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scout12 #2918064 04/22/21 11:04 AM
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I wish that grey rock was more effective with him! For example, when he refused to handover S3 at the kerb, I just met him at the door and said nothing. When he told me he was keeping him overnight, I didn’t respond. When he told me he was bringing him back late, I didn’t respond. It’s almost like he takes my withdrawal and protective barriers around myself as a personal attack. My coolness pokes his conscience, perhaps. I have this constant low level fear that he will escalate and involve S3 to provoke some kind of reaction because it does takes a lot to make me engage nowadays. My communications are brief, professional, and breezy. I use respectful but firm language. I can usually pick when he gets triggered— it’s when I refuse to go along with something, or hold him accountable to a prior agreement. For example, the thing that triggered the ‘kidnapping’ last year was me simply saying no to the last minute unscheduled sleepover he wanted. He even said so when we had that argument about it on the phone— “You wouldn’t let me have him, so I had to take him.” I don’t think that fear will ever completely leave me, to be honest.


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scout12 #2918097 04/22/21 09:02 PM
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Your best hope is that he will tire of being daddy and start to cancel more often. I expect that to start happening once he realizes he can't get your goat. This is not a guy who is really interested in being a parent. Give it time.

scout12 #2918240 04/27/21 02:26 AM
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Yeah, it'll be interesting to see how this all pans out. Aside from those challenges, it's been a positive change so far.

This morning I explained to S3 that he's staying at his dad's house tonight. He got all gloomy and said he didn't want to go. Concerned that something was wrong, I asked why he felt that way. He said "because Dad is a rude man who does stinky farts and doesn't say excuse me." I just about died trying to hold in my laughter!

Before he leaves for each visit, he has been talking through the steps of what happens over there, eg. "After Dad picks me up from daycare, I'm going to watch Star Wars, eat dinner, have a bath, go to sleep, then come back home for cuddles and kisses with you." I'm glad he's able to talk it through and understand the process and reassure himself.

Things could be much worse. I'm very grateful.


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scout12 #2918241 04/27/21 05:41 AM
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ROFL!!!!! Omg, so funny. And what a relief!

scout12 #2918485 05/04/21 11:44 AM
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Here’s the next round of tomfoolery...

Last week, X had S3 for a sleepover and asked if he could drop him off half an hour early in the morning. I said yes and got up early to shower and make sure I was ready at 7:30am so I could take S3 to ballet class at 8:30. He didn’t arrive until 7:50 with no notice given.

When I offered a possible makeup date for his forfeited time due to Mother’s Day, X said he wasn’t interested and could he move the sleepover to his own birthday weekend in September. We already have provision for S3 to spend time with the birthday parent in our agreement.

Today, I took S3 to the hospital for a suspected broken collarbone (fortunately just a neck sprain). When I informed X, he sent back a rambling message that he wouldn’t take S3 on any adventures and would just snuggle and feed him custard, and was I cool with that? I just said OK.

Then when I picked him up after his visitation dinner tonight, he was unbathed, teeth unbrushed, dressed in clean pyjamas but dirty socks and shoes. He said they were too busy watching TV to have a bath. And there was no custard, only burgers and chocolate.

Please let him lose interest soon!


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scout12 #2918489 05/04/21 01:00 PM
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Ok girl - I’m gonna tap you with a little 2x4:

None of the things you describe here are anything but minor annoyances. Honestly, if these were the worst things he ever did, you’d be quite thrilled.

If you don’t let go of all this little stuff it’ll drive you crazy. Even loving dads in intact marriages do things differently than their wives, and prioritize different things. Yes, it’s annoying for you to be the only adult in the room, and I believe your ex is a sociopath - but none of THESE things are important. Let go of your expectations and your need for control over these little things. Save it for the stuff that really matters.

scout12 #2918490 05/04/21 01:04 PM
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PS - I suspect what bothers you the most is his rambling letter and his attempt to make himself sound like the doting father. Yes, barf. But better than some alternatives.

scout12 #2918529 05/04/21 10:29 PM
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Yes, for sure! None of this garnered a response from me IRL. Just adding it to the record here. I was glad for the rambling message knowing that S3 would be taking it easy at his dad's house.


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scout12 #2919517 06/05/21 03:10 AM
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Today is two years since D-Day. X dropped the bomb that night and moved out three days later and never came back. Talk about a whirlwind! I’m really proud of how I’ve handled everything, for trusting my instincts, and discovering my core of ironclad principles, for demanding respect, and most importantly, demonstrating all of this to my son. In the immediate aftermath, I worked full-time, travelling two hours a day to and from the office, while raising a one year old on my own, negotiating a half million dollar divorce, and dealing with PTSD and ongoing narc abuse in counselling.

I am so thankful every day that he is gone. He doesn’t seem to have gotten the message that two years has passed because he continues to try to triangulate with me. He lives with OW and just informed me gleefully they are going on a two week holiday in July so he can’t look after S3. Cool, have fun, see ya (I said in my head, didn’t respond IRL). I kind of hope they get engaged because I feel so much better about having a third party present when S3 goes there.

He keeps trying all the tricks in the book to get me to engage via the only tool he has in the box - our son. He stopped paying child support, so I arranged for CSA to collect. He refused to hand over S3 unless I came to the front door, even though the court order says kerbside pickup and we’d been doing that successfully for a few weeks, so now I knock and return to the car to wait. He flouts the court order in some way at every changeover and I swear he sits in the car watching for my reaction. I feel like asking “why are you so obsessed with me?” LOL. Finding the humour, and not reacting, really helps handle what is going to be a long, hard slog of sharing a child with an NPD individual.

Today is also the first full weekend that S3 is spending with his dad. He pulled me aside before he left and said with a tremble in his voice “I don’t want to go with my dad”. He hid behind me when his dad came to the door, and refused to go to him for a cuddle. X told me he was going to drop him off at his parents for the night, which seems to defeat the purpose of spending the weekend, but whatever. S3 was brave and off he went calling out “love you, mama”. So now I’m off for brunch and a massage!

I don’t envision there being much more to update in my journey, so thanks to all who have read or commented or ever just held space for me in your thoughts. I will be holding space for you all!


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scout12 #2919518 06/05/21 03:32 AM
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You need to join us in the Surviving the Big D forum!

So sorry you have to deal with the ex’s weirdness. I’m with you on hoping he marries OW. Safer for your son. I imagine ex is driven crazy by the fact that you didn’t curl up and die! You are so much better off without him.

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