Before he went away, X expressed interest in finalising the new parenting plan when he returned.
I'd already prepped the paperwork with my lawyer in January, but the hiccup over the birthday party made me hesitant to do anything that could trigger an outburst. He tends to arc up whenever he is a) contacted by my lawyer, or b) asked to commit to anything.
So with the party out of the way, I instructed my lawyer to send the paperwork this week. It details everything we agreed upon last year. Let's see if he is willing to sign a document that legally holds him accountable as a parent. We haven't had any response yet.
I've been rewatching Mad Men lately and this quote made me think. Emphasis mine.
“I don’t think I ever wanted to be the man who loves children,” Don tells Megan. He goes on:
"But from the moment they’re born that baby comes out and you act proud and excited and hand out cigars but you don’t feel anything. Especially if you had a difficult childhood. You want to love them, but you don’t. And the fact that you’re faking that feeling makes you wonder if your own father had the same problem."
Becoming a father was the downfall of X. And knowing what I know of his angry, distant father... maybe that's why.
Last edited by job; 02/06/2102:49 PM. Reason: added link to previous thread
These broken people have an uphill battle which started when they were children. Many of a person’s traits, their beliefs and values, their biases and prejudices, their strengths, and their failings got root when they were young by the actions of their parents.
I can completely see how one feeling empty and hollow regarding their own children would think the same of their Mom and Dad. The idea that their parents are as empty towards them as they are too their kids would turn their world on edge.
I know my Dad (and Mom) loved and love me. My Dad is a great man and father, and I followed his footsteps. I do him proud, and he tells me.
XW’s Mom was a horrible shrew. And her Dad basically followed along. Her Mom told her, to her face, in front of me, that children are a terrible burden, and to never have any. And of course don’t forget they cuts ties with her, never having even seen their four amazing grandchildren.
I suspect you can imagine how high in regard I was held in their eyes. Lol. If they would treat their own flesh and blood that way, well... not much chance for DnJ.
My parents welcomed J with open arms. She quickly became a daughter; something I’ve done with my boys GFs. J became sister to my sister, all well before we married. Truly, she had an excellent family (in-law). One would think that would be that. But no. Her unknown and unrealized wounds run deep and would not remain silent.
From what I’ve pieced together over the years, and the various clues and things the odd relative says and does, I suspect XW’s traumas run similar to rape and sexual assault. That, especially as a young child, is going to mess someone up pretty bad. Yet, I didn’t know. And for all those years W never suffered or showed any signs of such a horrible past. And here we are. Denial is a powerful needed force. It protects one’s very psyche from that which would shatter them.
Until about a year before BD, our children were loved - absolutely - by both me and J. That love was displayed, felt, said; God knows we had a wonderful life.
The good things and how to stop this being passed down. My kids knew their loving Mom. For most of their lives they had W/Mom. Post BD, of course I love them. And we discussed this. Information is power. Power to understand. Power to empathize. Power to forgive. My children, which I include my in-law children (so 7 of them), all know about the fragility of the mind and the reality one creates.
S2 will not remember the divorce. In his life your situation is completely normal. Which is such a good thing. My kids see people in wheelchairs as completely normal, they all grew up knowing grandpa in a wheelchair (Dad became paralyzed months after my second son was born, so 21 years ago).
Getting a formal binding parenting agreement signed and in place will provide much stability and foundation in both your and S2’s lives.
For those reading along, or who stubble upon this great gal’s thread in some future date - having a vanisher MLCer is quite a blessing.
My goodness, I didn’t mean to write so much. I was just here eating supper, reading your posts, and started typing. By the way, supper was thick cut slabs of beef cut from an angus roast, three boiled potatoes, all smothered in brown gray. And some cheery tomatoes on the side. Yummy!
Have a great day.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Love that show. That quote hit home for me. Cheering for you that all goes well mama.
~Never Give Up ~ 2019 Mar BD June BD Dec Aow/xgf 2020 Jan he wants D Feb he flys2 ow Mar returns stuck here C19 Lckdwn Apr he leaves for work until Nov Oct D FINAL 2020 Living MY Happiest Life Ever
Love that show. That quote hit home for me. Cheering for you that all goes well mama.
~Never Give Up ~ 2019 Mar BD June BD Dec Aow/xgf 2020 Jan he wants D Feb he flys2 ow Mar returns stuck here C19 Lckdwn Apr he leaves for work until Nov Oct D FINAL 2020 Living MY Happiest Life Ever
I've been rewatching Mad Men lately and this quote made me think. Emphasis mine.
“I don’t think I ever wanted to be the man who loves children,” Don tells Megan. He goes on:
"But from the moment they’re born that baby comes out and you act proud and excited and hand out cigars but you don’t feel anything. Especially if you had a difficult childhood. You want to love them, but you don’t. And the fact that you’re faking that feeling makes you wonder if your own father had the same problem."
Becoming a father was the downfall of X. And knowing what I know of his angry, distant father... maybe that's why.
I'm curious, how was his reaction then when he knew you were pregnant? Was he happy back then?
Me(45)EXH(44) M:15 T:18, S19, S16 & S16 04/19-02/20 ILYB & OW1 12/20-08/22 OW2 (+pregnant-his child) 03/22-Divorce official 06/22-08/23 Reconnecting 09/23-possible back with OW2
Amen. Reading about five year plus situations makes me feel pretty grateful that X was in such a hurry to start his new life that he settled property and finances early on to get his hands on $$$.
If there is one thing I’d advise everyone who comes here in the future, it’d be to settle that stuff ASAP while/if you work on the relationship in the background. Easier said than done, I know. But you have the best chance of success getting them to agree to a favourable settlement during that short window while they are feeling guilty or high on affair fumes.
My two cents!
Quote
I'm curious, how was his reaction then when he knew you were pregnant? Was he happy back then?
Our son was planned. We got married May 2016, started trying January 2017. As far as I know, we were both happy. We were newlyweds! He still had an anger problem and some unpleasant characteristics, but I didn’t know anything about emotional abuse or narcissism at the time. I fell pregnant May 2017. Things were already going downhill, or more accurately, he was becoming more abusive as I no longer poured all of my energy into keeping him satisfied.
I’ve rehashed some of this before, but the gist is that he had no patience for the toll that pregnancy took, no appreciation for the effort and aftermath of giving birth, and no respect for the role of motherhood. And seemed to get no enjoyment from the baby’s presence.
The highlights:
- The day before my positive pregnancy test he yelled at me saying I’d ruined the experience for him. I was literally in the middle of excitedly explaining how my elevated BBT meant we might be successful this cycle. This made my cry, which made him angry with me.
- He started spending long hours at work. This was around the time he hired OW (who was only 18 at the time— to this day I still feel disgusted at how predatory he acted as a married 27-year old man with a baby on the way. He totally exploited his position of power as her boss).
- He applied for a leadership program that would start the same week S2 was born. I don’t think that was a coincidence. This required him to spend a day a week at the company head office an hour away and attend a conference a few states away while S2 was a newborn.
- This is fairly stupid, but one time while heavily pregnant, I called him at home to say I’d had a bad day at work and just wanted to eat my leftover cheese fries when I got back. He got off the phone and ATE MY CHEESE FRIES. Then when I got home, he tried to convince me that I’d promised he could eat them (?) and I had no right to be upset (??) and in fact, now he was angry with me for being a b!!tch (???).
- The morning after S2’s birth, he didn’t come back to the hospital when expected. I’d asked him to pick up breakfast as I was starving. He was incommunicado for a couple of hours and late with my breakfast. He then went out to eat with MIL who grilled him over the decision not to circumcise the baby. He threw me under the bus saying (untruthfully) that he had no say.
- After we’d been home a few days, I was sitting in the baby’s room rocking him to sleep. I was exhausted and shell-shocked and trying to cope with a fairly significant birth injury (S2 had a nuchal hand presentation) so I was crying. He came in and handed me a chore list, saying “that’s your half, and I’m not cleaning the cat litter anymore”.
He left 15 months later and things just got worse over that period of time. He became less engaged, more resentful, more avoidant, more neglectful of the baby.
I had a rare night out to see Book of Mormon with a friend just after the baby turned one. S2 was sick so I’d left instructions to give him Panadol and not let him cry in his bed. I got home at midnight to every light in the house blazing, a sick screaming baby in the cot, and X sleeping with a pillow over his head to muffle the noise.
I’m so glad he’s gone.
Last edited by job; 02/10/2104:22 PM. Reason: edited language
Oh, and thank you for sharing what you know of XW’s past, DnJ. It’s not hard to feel empathy for these people despite what they’ve done. The vanishers in particular, as I mentioned on bttrfly’s thread. There is something truly broken within them.
Ugh. What an a$$! I think it is a blessing that he is a vanisher. The less exposure you and your son have to that kind of negative energy, the better. Your story about the cheese fries is not stupid. It is a great example of the kind of narcissistic personality you were/are dealing with.
I agree with you about getting the finances in order ASAP. In my sitch, XH wanted everything settled within months of him moving out and while I didn’t want to, I knew that it would be in my best interest to do it and that when the hurt had faded, I would be glad that I did. A lot of LBS’s seem to believe that if they stall and put it off, they have a better chance of saving the marriage. I think if the WAS has gotten to the point of offering settlements, they have genuinely made up their mind and efforts to stall are only delaying the inevitable. XH offered me a really good deal and I knew that I would be an idiot not to sign on the dotted line. Two years later...I am so happy that I did. It is way easier to heal when you aren’t dealing with conflicts over property and money. I am crossing my fingers for you that he signs and you can get on with your life. (((HUGS)))
