Steve_Letting go pt2

[Ginger1]

OMG. Steve. Just because you didn’t “drop the rope” isn’t the reason why she didn’t come back to the marriage after OW failed. It’s because she’s a sick messed up individual .

What has to do with you is the fact that you even wanted her to just come back to the marriage after OM failed.

In every situation you should imagine you are giving your son advice if he was a grown man in this situation. What would you say to hmm.

And like everyone keeps asking. What is your action plan to make sure you don’t get sucked back in? I still fear she says all the right things, you will right there with bells on. What are YOU doing to make sure you protect yourself from getting back in this absolute messy disaster?

[Steve_]

That’s just it a CW. There is no actions for me to take anymore. Never was honestly it’s like Corey Wayne says “illusion of action” I always felt that if I did xyz enough it would make her see abc. Nope. Just made her see me as unable to let go and dependent.

I’m doing IC, I’m taking antidepressants. I’m being honest about what I’m thinking for once and not trying to cover it up. And I’m coming here and getting 2x4’s. That’s it. I have stopped all contacting her, I don’t do it for any reason at all. What I had been doing is when she contacts me I always answer, always call back, etc. that I will also stop doing. I figured if I was not contacting and she was it’s okay. No, it’s not. Because I just put stock into a convo that I shouldn’t be having. I felt like it would be “rude” to ignore her. But it’s not, it’s actually respectful to myself to stop putting effort into someone who doesn’t give a rats ass about you. So my plan is to do less and less each day and become less and less available.

Personally my only actions I can take is to find a hobby I can afford that I can do. That’s probably the next thing, I’m also going to try to see if I can work from home somewhere like an advice nurse so when I got the kids or in my off time I can make some good use of it besides Netflix, cleaning or exercising. Need something else to do as well.

[Thornton]

I know it’s a challenge due to Covid, but I would recommend a men’s group for you.

There are NGS groups and I think there are some online as well. Also see if you can find any men’s groups on Meetup.

[JosephS]

I hope this time is different but you aren't saying anything different than things you have said before. We'll see though.

I recommend getting into things you always wanted to while you were with your ex but wouldn't have been allowed. For me it was cooking meals that were ridiculously involved, and my motorcycle.. (god i love that thing).

Find who you are without her...or better yet, re-discover who you are without her. You may find you enjoy life better without all that dead weight of anxiety around your neck.

[Adam04]

Steve,

It's going to be hard.

There are reasons for the 2x4s. Are you believing they aren't warranted? You haven't been hard enough on yourself so what else is there? You need structure in your life and your kids' lives. Welcome to the place to help you with that, where you can learn to regain some stability , some structure, some advice to put you on the right path, because from where I see it, you are attached at the hip with your WW whos is dragging everyone down with that sinking ship.

These 2x4s just tough love, if you will. Maybe I can draw a parallel here to help you put it into perspective that makes sense or not. Right now you're in the thick of it. Like your WW, she needs tough love. We are basically holding you accountable as you should hold your WW accountable for her actions. If something smells fishy or doesn't jive or makes sense, you get called out on it. You should be able to see thru your WW crap by now, call her out on it 100% of the time. She knows you, she knows exactly what she can get away with and she calls you out on it all the time. She knows she can still play games with you because you let her. That's also why people say to be careful in using what you get from here as tactics to getting her back, she can see thru that if its not genuine. The board also knows when something is off as well, so you get called out. I've seen people just as argumentative and defiant against the culture here on the boards, giving the proper 2x4s when needed. It's just people shooting it straight. There'll be people (LBS) rebelling just like their WW who don't want to face the truth. Well then now you get a feel for what it does to the other person to face that tough love. But this isn't harsh, not at all. I wonder if you can't take it, can you dish it? hmm..

A lot of people can't take the 2x4s, they will fight it. play the victim. Say they didnt sign up for this, all they wanted was help. They want it on their terms. I've read the stories of men coming here wanting the mittens on approach to coddling them and holding their hand while they've spent the last 1-2 years in bewilderment wondering what went wrong. They've gone to different ICs, they've been to several different support groups, they've dated several other women in the process, and they come here playing victim because they're the passionate, softy , sensitive type guy who always just wanted the family and a wife he can make happy. Don't be that guy.

Also, everyone here is here for a reason, we've all been down that road before. We empathize, sympathize, we grieve. We have people on both sides giving it to you straight and helping you, yes trying to help you if not get back to your old self, then to be reborn again a better person. The thing is you have to buy into DB as counter-intuitive as it may seem. The system can help save you and your kids, it won't save a marriage not like this. Maybe it will help you see things better for 2.0 somewhere down the road but not this one. It won't save your WW. Are you willing to lose it all, your w, the kids, and you because this can't last like it has forever. It'll either get worse or better. You can still decide to help make it get better as least for 2/3 of you.


Steve, you've said there is no more actions to take re: WW... you are so far from the truth. There are all the DB techniques to use. Do you have the DR book? Have you educated and acquainted yourself to switching your mindset from victim to survivor? How many times this week have you gone over Sandi's rules. Following those rules are actions. Actions that will GREATLY help your sitch. NC is only on of the main ones you should be using. Maybe I am misinterpreting what you really mean.. I think you really want to still save the MR so you are at your wits end and you feel like there is nothing to do. If you only really felt that way, it'll push you a little closer to acceptance and u can move on with the rest of the below easier.

REMEMBER GAL?? Get creative in finding something that is safe that you want to do. I was putting together puzzles in my off time from working out and spending time with the kids. I was enjoying my Friday evenings having a dinner salad by myself when I was reading books. I filled my drive in and from work with listening to pod casts. I broadened my interests to spiritual and to financial responsibility. I was putting into memory to not be passive aggressive with the W if we had a convo or just seeing her in passing with the IHS. I remembered to be calm. Short answers, upbeat. Aloof, dont linger. Dont be needy in her presence. Be strong. I bought into the the idea that I can't save my marriage but I can save me and my kids. I knew my marriage was dead and it was time to move on. I was able to accept it for what it was and gain some traction. There's a lot of little nuances, little things. Knowing or at least I thought I did when to say sorry or not saying sorry because it was weak, it'll fuel their self righteousness into saying they were right for blaming you. Most the time being quiet, listening, validating. Always always being mindful of will this help or hurt me now or in the long run. Is she being disrespectful, shoot it down. Do so with poise and being stern, like a man. Small things, have you been able to look her straight in the eyes without even faltering your words? Do you have self control with your words or know what you will say before you open your mouth? Or do you go full willy nilly? Have you identified your triggers? How are you handling those? What are you putting into place so that past slip ups wont happen again? Can you recall how many times you slipped up in the last two weeks and created action items for them? Alot of it will be self control.. work on your boundaries...

I'll go so far as to say this is what'll usually happen on a good day. You are in your right frame of mind. She texts. NP. You ignore, she texts again, you check, its not about the kids or that important. You ignore... She texts again and this time for whatever reason, she's hit the limit so you lose all self control. You get baited so you text back and then she says one of those oh so you decide to ignore me fine blah blah and u get hooked and say sorry, and it goes downhill from there. That's one example from a text. It can be filled in with any other scenario if it was a drop off with the kids to you finding out there is om#8. I bet when you do, you're going to go apesht. What if there is a drop offf with the kids and then there is om#8 right there? So how do you prevent that this time around? That little voice in your head? Bring him out. When he tells you dont do it, you listen. Keep him with you.

You can practice self control with the stop technique. You can jot down things to keep with you on how to respond. You can jog your memory with a to do list. You can get creative in areas you want to work on. You can stop playing the victim and learn now to be a survivor like right now. Are you going to spend the time to work on you to be better at handling these situations. You should be NC as much as you can, but when you do get together to discuss the kids, will you work on how you present yourself, how you say things, how you handle the situation?


The other post when you said your W manipulated you back into doing nothing every time. You know the saying, they can only do what we allow them to do. They can not, if we don't allow it.

[mtb1981]

It is painfully obvious that Steve wants his W back and his resignation to do nothing is still an attempt to win her back. To just sit back and let her run wild until she's done and comes back and does it again. It's sad. The only right thing to do in this sitch is to get the ball rolling on the divorce. For 3 reasons...

1) Steve's D is watching thinking this is normal behavior for a W and will follow in mom's footsteps.

2) Steve's S is watching thinking this is how marriage is and will follow in dad's footsteps and go through what he's going through now.

3) Steve seems to be a genuinely good guy that doesn't deserve to be eating all these $hit sandwiches his WW keeps feeding him. He deserves to be happy, and despite what he thinks, he will NEVER be happy with her. It just won't happen. Ever.

Stop being the martyr, Steve. You've fought long enough and put up a good fight. There is no shame in leaving this toxic relationship. If you're so worried about being the good guy and doing the right thing, get out of this relationship and stop subjecting yourself and your kids to this torture. You mention your military past. I wonder what kind of advice your military buddies would give you if you were sitting around with them and told them your W cheated on you 8 times and and basically told you to sit down and be a good boy while she plays GGW...

[SteveLW]

It is painfully obvious that Steve wants his W back and his resignation to do nothing is still an attempt to win her back. To just sit back and let her run wild until she's done and comes back and does it again. It's sad. The only right thing to do in this sitch is to get the ball rolling on the divorce. For 3 reasons...

1) Steve's D is watching thinking this is normal behavior for a W and will follow in mom's footsteps.

2) Steve's S is watching thinking this is how marriage is and will follow in dad's footsteps and go through what he's going through now.

3) Steve seems to be a genuinely good guy that doesn't deserve to be eating all these $hit sandwiches his WW keeps feeding him. He deserves to be happy, and despite what he thinks, he will NEVER be happy with her. It just won't happen. Ever.

Stop being the martyr, Steve. You've fought long enough and put up a good fight. There is no shame in leaving this toxic relationship. If you're so worried about being the good guy and doing the right thing, get out of this relationship and stop subjecting yourself and your kids to this torture. You mention your military past. I wonder what kind of advice your military buddies would give you if you were sitting around with them and told them your W cheated on you 8 times and and basically told you to sit down and be a good boy while she plays GGW...

AWESOME post! Steve, MBR has been in your shoes....you would do well to listen to this man.

Also: "To just sit back and let her run wild until she's done and comes back and does it again."

Steve that is a perfect description. That is what you do with a feral cat, not a wife.

[Steve_]

Yep you guys are right. Each day that passes I get less and less attached, more and more angry about what Ive allowed myself to become. Its just legit bullsht now. I am tired of being weak and pathetic. I fight the urge to just say f-off the next time she reaches out. So I will just say nothing until the inevitable time she asks why im saying nothing and I have already decided my answer will be simple "sorry you feel that way, just dont have much to say anymore" and thats that.

I am going to start preparing myself for the D. Im not going to run down there and finish the paperwork but I wont be trying to talk her out of it. The next time she brings it up im just going to say "ok, no problem" and get it done. That simple. I am not going to be the one to end the marraige but I absolutely will not try to save it anymore. Her mother convinced me not to sign the papers a week ago. The next time my WW throws it in my face im going down and signing.
yall can disagree with that and tell me I need to march down there and do it myself, maybe I should but I am just not ready for that. I will however continue NC, I am doing well, been about 3 days where I have said minimum or nothing at all. Im happy with that. It will get easier. Believe it or not I really have reached a point where I feel 100% defeated and dont feel like trying to do anything to save this M. I wont lie and say I have given up hope it can change, I still have a little, im still attached to the idea. But I do see the reality more and more each day and I really am in my soul absolutely certain I have done enough and I am not putting any more effort into this. Thats where Im starting at today.

[Ginger1]

So, what’s the plan for when she says “I want to come back to the marriage?”

[LH19]

I am tired of being weak and pathetic.

You actions do not match your words.

So I will just say nothing until the inevitable time she asks why im saying nothing and I have already decided my answer will be simple "sorry you feel that way, just dont have much to say anymore" and thats that.

Just for reference if you are trying to validate you never tell someone you are sorry they feel that way. That is invalidation.

I am going to start preparing myself for the D.

What does that look like?

Im not going to run down there and finish the paperwork but I wont be trying to talk her out of it. The next time she brings it up im just going to say "ok, no problem" and get it done. That simple.

Sounds like more words.

I am not going to be the one to end the marraige but I absolutely will not try to save it anymore.

What does trying to save it look like to you?

Her mother convinced me not to sign the papers a week ago.

So you are also taking orders from her mother? Or is this just another excuse?

The next time my WW throws it in my face im going down and signing.

Sounds like more words

Believe it or not I really have reached a point where I feel 100% defeated and dont feel like trying to do anything to save this M.

What does trying to save it look like to you?

I wont lie and say I have given up hope it can change, I still have a little, im still attached to the idea.

uuuuummmmmm yeah we know Steve

But I do see the reality more and more each day and I really am in my soul absolutely certain I have done enough and I am not putting any more effort into this. Thats where Im starting at today.

Steve you can't save a marriage when the other person doesn't want it saved

I am sorry Steve but this is another one of your nonsensical posts.