I will commit to myself to stop all “feelings” and just deal with it.
That can be a dark alley, Steve. You say you've been down it twice--drinking, getting lost in online games. How else do you "stop" your feelings? When you move on, you will feel a lot. Anger, Bargaining, Depression. Those sound less abstract when you live them. A good thing about moving on, is there's an end in sight--Acceptance. Unlike the roller coaster you're on now with your kids, which could loop indefinitely.
Exactly what joe said. You aren’t doing the feeling. You are avoiding the feelings. You don’t let yourself let go and feel the 5 stages grief. You are stuck in a cycle of awful feelings. You can have to stop all feelings. You have to work through then instead of staying where you are. You stopping feelings is not the answer. You need to let you logical mind chime in and help you deal with your feelings.
Take small steps. The first is stop engaging with her at all. Unless it’s logistics abou kids. Other than that. Cut the conversation. . Di e. Your logical mind can step right in there .
Part of the problem Steve is your %##%y W says things like right now and maybe in the future and that gets you stuck in the denial stage. That’s the only thing your brain concentrated on because it lessens the pain.
Even though your W has zero thoughts of following through. She has zero attraction for you and never will unless you make serious changes.
I know the pain you are going through. This won't break you. Think of how much you've been through in this marriage already - you are stronger than you know. Tell yourself this every day.
Your heart is having a hard time accepting things, I totally get that. What worked for me is starting with a winning attitude/mindset. I made up my mind that I was not going to let my sitch keep me down. You may take a blow, but you get up and keep going. Next, I controlled my thoughts. If you haven't read the Stop Sign Technique in DR please do. I used that to stop negative thoughts and focused on positive, productive thoughts for every goal, task, or activity throughout my day. Then you control your actions. Do your the right thing and not the thing that you want b/c it is easy. Eventually, your emotions will come along.
Attitude, thoughts, actions, emotions - in that order. Again, it may seem tough right now, but I know you've been through tougher. You can do this.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
For now I’m going to focus on the attachment issue I got and just try my hardest to stop. Drop the rope and just stop.
I am just hurting myself having hope and doing what I think “a good man would do” I’m tired of it. I’m just going to stop doing anything. Nothing has worked so I will just stop, lose interest, get off the stupid drama bus full of games. I’m sick of it. I keep saying to her I’m tired of this and doing it anyways. Time for talking is over, time for listening is over. I’m just done. There isn’t a damn thing I haven’t tried except legitimately giving up on my M so that’s what I’m going to do. Sure it will be hard but I need to just accept it already. I get it. I’ll get there. With our 10 year anniversary coming up in about 2 weeks and the fact we are still married doesn’t give me hope it actually pisses me off that I’m hanging around waiting for someone to change and care who doesn’t. That makes me feel weak, pathetic and less of a man. And that is what I’m focusing on, becoming more of a man not less. I need to stop letting this woman’s value of me determine my worth. I will try harder than ever to detach ASAP. I gotta face the fear and do it. I already lost a long time ago anyways, nothing to lose now.
T:11 M:10 K: D5, S7 BD: 9/1/20 WW continues to break up and recon with OM. I paid last fees and pushed the D 5/3/2021 Default Dissolution granted 8/5/21. Glad my D was not busted.
May's reply from the last time you said this, with some great questions for you--
Originally Posted by May
Hi Steve,
I'm sorry this is all happening. But I'm very, very confused. I've been reading along this whole time and I have lost count of how many times you've said basically what you just said above-- she said X, now I totally get it, I'm done. i'm going NC. It feels a bit like Groundhog Day.
Can you share some actions you'll take this time (different from before) that will help you break this cycle? Maybe it is time for parenting app that you can communicate through if necessary and you can block her number? How are you going to protect your children?
I’ve seen people deflect like this when they don’t even acknowledge people directly. They address each individual response with a blanket one.
There’s so much to work, I find it strange people can jump the gun to D to try and wake their spouse out of it and there are cases like these where D is best but the LBS is so lost. I don’t know how many times Steve is going to say people say he’s a good man he knows he’s a good man , just reeks of NGS.
Steve shouldn’t really give a flying f what others think of him and should focus on what is right. It sounds like to me his responses are to appease the forum. I hear you guys , yes I’ll drop the rope , I will do this or that ... like still trying to get approval. Overlapping layers of issues. Where is the work bing done? There’s all sorts of ways to slowly detach but he’s gotta want to do it even if he doesn’t like it or he’s gotta force himself hen he doesn’t want to. I know that’s hard...
There’s so many opportunities to Improve in so many ways. I like that Steve is n IC but there has to be implementation. What is the plan...???
She calls and blows up his phone, What’s the plan? She talks to him during dropping off and picking up the kids, how’s he going he to prepare himself to fight urges to want to speak to her. IMO that mental preparedness needs to be practiced ahead of time.
H 49 , W 47 T 23, M 17 S11, S5 BD: 7/18 IHS: 7/18 - 3/19 Physically Separated: 3/19-4/19 Piecing: 4/19 - Current
Yeah it feels like every thing Steve has done has been to try to get her to notice. Moving out of her parents into his own place. Helping her move out of OM's and into her parents. Etc.
Steve _, DBing never works of you're doing it for her benefit, to see if she takes note. WASs can spot manipulation at 100 yds, because they're masters of manipulation. It is like trying to out venom a cobra.
Until you truly drop the rope you'll continue to be stuck and not moving forward.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
The difference now is that I've had a chance to see it for what it is. Unfortunately since I was unable to drop the rope and let go she had no reason to return to the M after OM failed. Now shes running wild knowing im in her back pocket. Each and every time I would try to distance myself she would immidiately blame me, I would say "im done" and she would say "wow I guess you changed your mind again" or "lets just get the divorce then" or whatever to manipulate me into not taking any action.
I see it now. its just a game. all it is there was 0% actual truth to any of it. Thats what is differnt, I got no choice now but to stop. its killing me not to.
T:11 M:10 K: D5, S7 BD: 9/1/20 WW continues to break up and recon with OM. I paid last fees and pushed the D 5/3/2021 Default Dissolution granted 8/5/21. Glad my D was not busted.
What are some ACTIONS you'll take this time, different than last time? What do you think of using a parenting app and blocking her number to limit communication? How will you protect your kids from her?
Originally Posted by May
Can you share some actions you'll take this time (different from before) that will help you break this cycle? Maybe it is time for parenting app that you can communicate through if necessary and you can block her number? How are you going to protect your children?
