Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 3 of 5 1 2 3 4 5
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 9,822
Likes: 226
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 9,822
Likes: 226
Originally Posted by AKuei
1. Leave her be


As Cadet says: Doing NOTHING is doing SOMETHING. When a LBS feels the need to act (illusion of action) sometimes the best thing to do is to step back and do nothing at all.

Admit it AK, and you struggling with expectations post the incident prove it, you were hoping to score points by taking care of her.


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Joined: Feb 2020
Posts: 64
A
AKuei Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Feb 2020
Posts: 64
Yup you're right Steve deep down I'm thinking along the lines of scoring brownie points.

Bad thinking on my end. I think I need to do something drastic to detach myself away from these kind of thoughts.


M(36), W(36), D(6), D(4)
M-7, T-8
Bomb Drop - Nov 28, 2019
W requested separation - Sep 30, 2020
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 9,822
Likes: 226
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 9,822
Likes: 226
DB is about baby steps, not drastic steps. Not sure what you mean by drastic steps? But if you cannot take the baby step of seeing her laying in her own misery and not helping her, then I am not sure you can take a drastic step towards detachment.

What do you mean by "drastic" step?


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 418
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 418
Lol, Steve I was going to comment on the same thing about drastic steps...

To me it sounds like it’s coming from a place of fear. If AK feels in order to dB he has to take these drastic measures it either sounds like from fear or a cop out to not simply look at what he can easily do today, taking those baby steps. I say cop out only because it looks like he’s hung up on getting brownie points and trying to nice his way back ... sounds like denial and bargaining. Doesn’t sound like acceptance to move on.

I was also going to add, did you read DR AK, are you adhering and putting the rules to memory. This for me is important, Do you believe your marriage is dead?

I can see where people get tunnel vision on saving their marriage not truly believing it’s dead. This is not a tangible thing. I feel once you understand and come to terms with it you begin other cycles of your grief... right now still seems like denial. If you haven’t checked into the stages of grief I suggest you do so to shed some light on where you’re at to see what you’re doing. Try to get to a place of acceptance and move on.

Before posting , I went back to read your sitch last night Ak. I was asking myself if you didn’t think repulsion enough was a motivator to let her be.


H 49 , W 47
T 23, M 17
S11, S5
BD: 7/18
IHS: 7/18 - 3/19
Physically Separated: 3/19-4/19
Piecing: 4/19 - Current

----
Joined: Feb 2020
Posts: 64
A
AKuei Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Feb 2020
Posts: 64
I guess my definition of drastic steps is kinda like trying my very best to leave her be and let her own her consequences.

I'm not going to deny that I am still in the early stages of detachment; vacillating between being nice to her and distancing myself.

I'm dipping my toes into acceptance; but there's still some portion of denial and bargaining in me that I need to get rid of (I'm still trying to work this out with my IC).

And i don't think there's a linear path to it; I have to be patient that I will jump back and forth but the main point is that I'm crawling forwards and not backwards.

When I look back a year ago where I was doing all sorts of push behavior, I'm confident to say that I've improved; maybe not significantly but good enough to give myself a pat on the back that I've tried my best.

And thank you all for the 2x4s; I need them to straighten myself!

And to answer Adam's questions; I'm gonna read DR for the 4th time this weekend... I've been reading Sandi's 37 rules every other day to try to drill them into my head. As for the repulsion part; it seems that I'm still not repulsed enough to leave her to her own devices. I will need more work on that area.

Water under bridge; I will dust it off and start all over again. Baby steps or not!


M(36), W(36), D(6), D(4)
M-7, T-8
Bomb Drop - Nov 28, 2019
W requested separation - Sep 30, 2020
Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 418
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 418
AK,

It's pretty simple to leave someone to face their own consequences, just means you do nothing. You move aside. Like that night prime example.

Let me tell you, in my sitch people were telling me to wake up. My marriage was dead, I was dealing with a WW and her heart was full of resentment.

You know there is an OM, she's out late at night. Spending nights on the weekend now? Yet you say you aren't sure if there is an EA/PA??? You're fooling yourself and you're stalling your progress.

YOUR MARRIAGE IS DEAD. I'm sorry to say that but it is for right now.

You're right grief is not linear. Take all the time you need to cycle through your feelings.

Okay about the DR book. You read it a few times. Great. So you remember where it says if they have one foot out the door you stop and go to the back of the book to the LRT? Well consider that where we are. You do nothing but leave her be. No pursuit, no pushing, no chasing. I feel that the DR book is good if you're patching up a rocky relationship with the W and yall are still on good speaking terms like pre BD, but post BD, treat em differently.

And since its a WW you're dealing with, have you read all of Sandi's posts on the WW mindset and the loss of respect for you as a man?

Sounds like you understand the push pull relationship and how that can be harmful. With the male being the chaser, coupled with possible case of NGS for nice guy syndrome, it'll more likely cause the woman to be repulsed from the chasing , begging, pursuing, trying to get them to see things. You'll come off as trying to control her.

The quicker you stop, the sooner she may feel less pressure from you. Doesn't mean anything to the already dead relationship, just means you aren't making it worse to where she feels like she needs to run to the courthouse for the D.

Now while you take the pressure off of her... here comes more of the baby steps of working on you. Asking yourself what went wrong. Were you a slob, fix it. Were you always yelling and mad, control those emotional outburst. Were you passive aggressive?

Learning to detach, there are baby steps to that like getting rid of the feeling that you needed to do something for her.
Some attachment issues may stem from NGS, nice guy syndrome, have you looked into that? Working towards identifying your issues and working on them one at a time is baby steps.

As the runner, they will need their space so as not to feel like you are pressuring them. As the chaser you will feel the need to be close to them. You're going to have to work on this dynamic with some self control.


H 49 , W 47
T 23, M 17
S11, S5
BD: 7/18
IHS: 7/18 - 3/19
Physically Separated: 3/19-4/19
Piecing: 4/19 - Current

----
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 9,822
Likes: 226
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 9,822
Likes: 226
Originally Posted by AKuei
I guess my definition of drastic steps is kinda like trying my very best to leave her be and let her own her consequences.

I'm not going to deny that I am still in the early stages of detachment; vacillating between being nice to her and distancing myself.

I'm dipping my toes into acceptance; but there's still some portion of denial and bargaining in me that I need to get rid of (I'm still trying to work this out with my IC).

And i don't think there's a linear path to it; I have to be patient that I will jump back and forth but the main point is that I'm crawling forwards and not backwards.

When I look back a year ago where I was doing all sorts of push behavior, I'm confident to say that I've improved; maybe not significantly but good enough to give myself a pat on the back that I've tried my best.

And thank you all for the 2x4s; I need them to straighten myself!

And to answer Adam's questions; I'm gonna read DR for the 4th time this weekend... I've been reading Sandi's 37 rules every other day to try to drill them into my head. As for the repulsion part; it seems that I'm still not repulsed enough to leave her to her own devices. I will need more work on that area.

Water under bridge; I will dust it off and start all over again. Baby steps or not!


AK how long are you willing to wait for her?


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Joined: Feb 2020
Posts: 64
A
AKuei Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Feb 2020
Posts: 64
Sorry for the delay in response. Needed to take a few days off the board to gather my thoughts...

Quote
YOUR MARRIAGE IS DEAD. I'm sorry to say that but it is for right now.

I've realised that months ago, I'm still in the bargaining stage to be honest. It's a steep hill to climb to acceptance but I'll get there eventually.

Quote
And since its a WW you're dealing with, have you read all of Sandi's posts on the WW mindset and the loss of respect for you as a man?

I believed I've read most of them. I've been doing my best to stand up for myself and the kids. I've been putting most of my focus on my kids and my work and myself. There are some nights where I'm so tempted to go pain shopping or even initiate a conversation but so far I've stopped myself.

Quote
Now while you take the pressure off of her... here comes more of the baby steps of working on you. Asking yourself what went wrong. Were you a slob, fix it. Were you always yelling and mad, control those emotional outburst. Were you passive aggressive?

Her comments during BD was that I was an absent parent, flying off to work for weeks and still have the cheek to take an extra 1-2 days to travel the country before heading home. Being sarcastic at times about women doing housework, having a short fuse towards the kis, etc. I made sure I do a 180 about those. My kids are closer to me than the W (because she's out socialising with her colleagues; who by the way were mostly divorced and kept dishing her ill advices), I've taken up most of the chores because I'm working from home; even cooking for the kids most of the days. No short fuses anymore, I just took a deep breath and stopped myself from screaming and tried to talk in a calmful manner. I've grown to like this version of myself better and I intend to keep improving on that.

Quote
Learning to detach, there are baby steps to that like getting rid of the feeling that you needed to do something for her.
Some attachment issues may stem from NGS, nice guy syndrome, have you looked into that? Working towards identifying your issues and working on them one at a time is baby steps.

Oh yes, I have NGS without a doubt. Always having a covert contract and having expectations. I'm working on getting rid of that so that I can be happy without expecting anything from anyone. The fear of not doing things seems to have an effect on me previously last time because NGS will tend to think that the inaction will further speed up the hatred of the W. I'm really taking baby steps here because it's so hard to shake of decades of habit. But I am starting to stop myself in the tracks if i know the things I'm doing are signs of NGS. Works MOST of the time though. Haha.

Quote
As the runner, they will need their space so as not to feel like you are pressuring them. As the chaser you will feel the need to be close to them. You're going to have to work on this dynamic with some self control.

The other night I lost the battle when she opened up a little and I kind of mentioned about our sitch as "been so long this is dragging on". She mentioned that her decision is final and she's perfectly fine with the current sitch (limboland). I told her I understand where you are coming from and I thanked her for confirming it. Had an anxiety attack after and once I calmed down I realised the folly I've made and I went back to re-read sandi's rules. I was so angry with myself how I slipped up on this.

I'm struggling to detach because when I try to detach, my face says it all. I will purposely avoid having eye contact with her, not being proactive in starting conversation (I don't see the need), my face just turns all serious and not jovial at all. How do I improve on this? However, when she approaches me for any comments on anything, I made sure to respond in a calm and friendly way.


M(36), W(36), D(6), D(4)
M-7, T-8
Bomb Drop - Nov 28, 2019
W requested separation - Sep 30, 2020
Joined: Feb 2020
Posts: 64
A
AKuei Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Feb 2020
Posts: 64
Quote
AK how long are you willing to wait for her?

I didn't set a hard deadline for this. I always think that when the time comes I will just know it. Recently it's quite apparent that I've been thinking about divorce a lot. Thought about what happens if i pull the trigger first.

Doesn't do us good to just keep dragging on like this. She might be buying time for her exit strategy for all I know. Waiting for her EA/PA to be ready I guess.

Trying to wrap my head around the alimony and stuff. I'll be reaching out to my lawyer in a couple of weeks to explore my options.


M(36), W(36), D(6), D(4)
M-7, T-8
Bomb Drop - Nov 28, 2019
W requested separation - Sep 30, 2020
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 4,627
Likes: 71
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 4,627
Likes: 71
Hi Akuei,
Originally Posted by Akuei
I'm struggling to detach because when I try to detach, my face says it all. I will purposely avoid having eye contact with her.. my face just turns all serious and not jovial at all. How do I improve on this?

For most people, what you describe above is not detachment. Is this the way you act this way around other people you're not attached to--e.g. colleagues, cashiers, or coffeeshop baristas?! I'm not so concerned about you not starting conversations. Averting eye contact (unless on an elevator, subway, or busy urban street) and looking stony serious (all the time) are not typically happy or attractive behaviors.

How to improve? You could reduce your logistical interdependence on and communication with your ex. Second, you could find your solo happiness--that may include finding active hobbies and relaxing pastimes you enjoy, self-work like turning off your inner critic, or working towards becoming whatever vision of success is uniquely Akuei apart from your ex. Being happy tends to make you look more jovial.

Originally Posted by Akuei
However, when she approaches me for any comments on anything, I made sure to respond in a calm and friendly way.

That's great!

Page 3 of 5 1 2 3 4 5

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard