AKuei, your STBXW expressed feeling gratitude, but could have just as easily expressed feeling violated. Please take-away from the forum reactions how important it is to honor when someone says "No". We get it's hard when struggling with emotions and facing unusual situations late at night.
LH, I'm trying to acknowledge that it would be hard for AKeui to see a loved one covered in vomit and not help while being clear "No" should be honored, undressing her when she said "Leave me alone" is a problem, and the boundary violation was severe enough legal consequences could have been possible.
LH, I'm trying to acknowledge that it would be hard for AKeui to see a loved one covered in vomit and not help while being clear "No" should be honored, undressing her when she said "Leave me alone" is a problem, and the boundary violation was severe enough legal consequences could have been possible.
He was thinking too much about having sex with her, to consider any legal consequences. Probably doesn't listen to other things she says either, but IDK. There are some men who just believe they know what's best to do, regardless of what she's saying. How many movies have we seen that had similar scenarios?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Quick journaling because something happened last night which I think isn't good for me at all. I'm pretty sure like I've broken the DB rules.
W came home last night super drunk and was making the toilet bowl her bed. I went in to check on her because I wanted to use the bathroom and found her there. Gave her something warm to drink, carried her to her bed which kinda messed up my still-recovering-from-ops-right-knee, changed out her clothes which she didn’t resist and tucked her into bed.
I’ve not been so up close with my W for a year plus and I was contemplating to be intimate when she was naked. But I managed to compose myself and did the right thing by not taking advantage of the situation. Throughout the process she only muttered one phrase softly, “Leave me alone” while I was changing out her clothes which she wasn’t resisting at all; in fact she went along with it.
She thanked me the next day and went radio silence again. I’m trying so hard not to expect any form of gratitude in return and boy was it hard but I managed to pull thru!
Also I had my usual therapy today as well. I have a gut feeling that my therapist is gearing me up on the prospect of divorcing. I'm not repulsed to the idea; I told her I'm not in a position to put a hard date to it yet as I'm still a work in progress. When I can't even answer the question of what do I really want confidently, I shouldn't be making hasty decisions.
W's inaction is in a way giving me time to focus and work on myself. My current focus in order of priority: Kids, work, GAL, health. I'm trying not to allow any breathing room to analyze my W's actions and words. I might slip here and there but baby steps... baby steps. I don't think I'm on a countdown timer yet so I'll take all the time I can have to work on myself.
AK, you do realize she fired you as her H, right? What you did for her is what a H would do for his W. You ain't that and she ain't that. So why didn't you just leave her to her own misery?
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
This drunk episode reminds me of a one night stand I had when my wife had run off with OM.
I met the woman in the bar, she was extremely drunk and I was half cut also.
She invited me back with her. Some time after "doing the deed" she collapsed drunk on the bathroom floor. For want of any other options, I simply put her in the recovery position so she wouldn't choke on her own vomit, and left. I'm pretty ashamed of this and should have never have gotten in the taxi with her to begin with.
Next time this happens (and it will), do nothing other than put her in the recovery position. No moving her or removing her clothes.
Let her throw up all over her clothes.
Let her wake up with her tongue hanging out of her mouth, pressed against the base of the toilet.
Help her to enjoy the consequences of her choices.
You'll be blamed for not "helping" her and reminded of what a rubbish husband you are but have none of it. Do the right thing. Allow natural justice!
Me: 46 W: 46 T: 23 M: 20 DS12 DD11 DS5
W left: 01/28/08 Discovered OM: 02/26/08 W back for 9 days: 04/08 W returned 05/21/08 EA/PA - 01/08-07/09 W's MLC 2008-2014 (realised this much later)
Thank you all so much for chiming in... I might have left out a few details so it's natural that I appeared as creepy (i read back my post and I face-palmed myself too... haha)
I'll try to answer all the questions to my best!
Ginger1: That was one of the thoughts that crossed my mind; if I could recall a few major thoughts which happened in just a few seconds 1. Leave her be 2. Take advantage because of the lack of intimacy 3. Berate her for getting so drunk 4. Change out her clothes and put her to bed (eventually I took this option)
Adam04: I do have another toilet but the tenant was using it. Initially I wanted to use the bathroom but she was hogging it for hours; thus I wanted to make sure she didn't die in her own pool of puke. As for changing out her clothes; we have this habit of not lying down the bed without clean clothes + her dress stinks of cigarette smoke and greasy food (runs in the family; call us germophobes...) I asked her a few times if she would like a change of clothes, she responded with nods and a weak "Yes"
CWarrior: She didn't resist at all. Her statement of "Leave me alone" came towards the end of the changing out. She even sat up to allow me to access her dress and bra. I proceed to do it and was careful not to touch any lady parts.
sandi2: that thought of sex was a fleeting moment; no more than 2 seconds. I didn't venture into the legal consequences because I killed that thought with other thoughts and just tucked her into bed. Just wanted to be honest with myself and journal all the crazy thoughts I had at that moment
Steve85: Yes, exactly. When i returned to my side of the bed I started rethinking. "Wait a minute... I was fired and I'm helping her in her mess? What in the flying F was i thinking?!?!." But water under bridge; the next thing I could control was to avoid expectations. So far it's doing good. When she texted me the next day to thank me and said she hope she didn't mess up the toilet too badly, I took hours to respond with "No worries"
GH31: That's a good recommendation. I will seriously consider that if there's a next time. No point for me to make her all comfy and such.
M(36), W(36), D(6), D(4) M-7, T-8 Bomb Drop - Nov 28, 2019 W requested separation - Sep 30, 2020
