No comment on the effect internet dating might have on your son?
My son is away at college.
But, I am aware of his opinion. He does not want STBXH in my life or his. And, that he is completely fine with me dating and finding someone new.
Yeah, ok. Again, it is your life, your decision, but I worry about the impact on him and the message it sends that you HAVE to HAVE a man (woman for him) in your life in order to be happy. And that being a fulfilled individual first is not important.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Please correct me if I am wrong, but is this the son that graduated sometime ago who you threw a party for that you and your son were hurt and disappointed that your STBXH didn’t come even though he promised? Weren’t you leaving hints in his mail because you didn’t want your son to be disappointed? Maybe I’m misremembering, but didn’t your STBXH help your son with so much growing up? Why does he hate him now?
Also, I thought you had to go get your son from college because he made some seriously bad decision that was potentially life altering? I could be misremembering that too.
What I really don’t understand is you refuse to go to a therapist because of a bad experience but your spouse was abusive and you won’t let go.
I’m also confused how you see CWarriors ex stepped over a line by going into his backyard without his permission to get her stuff (she absolutely crossed a boundary) but you thinks it’s perfectly ok to show up to someone’s house you really don’t know even a little bit.. naked.
You’ve been posting for a year give or take and have made really no progress. Heck you could make an argument you’re worse off. It really has turned into what’s going to happen next, stay tuned.
You really do need therapy. You’ll say you’re making progress at your own pace and you’re doing this or that or will ignore, but you really aren’t. Good luck KC. I do wonder how much longer you’ll post if you post at all. You didn’t just get a 2x4, you got a rail road tie, but it was spot on. You do have so so many inconsistencies in your thread.
Me: 40 EX:37 Together 17 years Married 16 years 5 kids, 20,18,15,14,11
No comment on the effect internet dating might have on your son?
My son is away at college.
But, I am aware of his opinion. He does not want STBXH in my life or his. And, that he is completely fine with me dating and finding someone new.
Yeah, ok. Again, it is your life, your decision, but I worry about the impact on him and the message it sends that you HAVE to HAVE a man (woman for him) in your life in order to be happy. And that being a fulfilled individual first is not important.
I don't have to have a man.
Not sure where you got that from... I get it... I'm moving on and dating but I don't have to have a man.
I raised my son from birth to 8yr old as a single woman. I traveled this country extensively as a single woman and ALONE. I'm comfortable in my own skin to go to dinner in a resturant alone. I'll go to events alone... I'll go to movies alone.
I don't have an issue being alone.
I'd like to be more social so I hit the dating apps. Tons of guys wanting to be friends and to hang out and be a support system for me... I just got caught up in one that took more of my heart than I planned.
Yes, I get that I'm still processing things from my M and my STBXH.
Please correct me if I am wrong, but is this the son that graduated sometime ago who you threw a party for that you and your son were hurt and disappointed that your STBXH didn’t come even though he promised? Weren’t you leaving hints in his mail because you didn’t want your son to be disappointed? Maybe I’m misremembering, but didn’t your STBXH help your son with so much growing up? Why does he hate him now?
There was abuse in house. He also disappointed S19 again by not coming to his Graduation and not following through with taking him to dinner or even ever calling him again.
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Also, I thought you had to go get your son from college because he made some seriously bad decision that was potentially life altering? I could be misremembering that too.
You are thinking about my SS21
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What I really don’t understand is you refuse to go to a therapist because of a bad experience but your spouse was abusive and you won’t let go.
I don't expect anyone too. I've never shared that
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I’m also confused how you see CWarriors ex stepped over a line by going into his backyard without his permission to get her stuff (she absolutely crossed a boundary) but you thinks it’s perfectly ok to show up to someone’s house you really don’t know even a little bit.. naked.
I was INVITED. He asked me to come over and he said to be naughty.
Big difference there.
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You’ve been posting for a year give or take and have made really no progress. Heck you could make an argument you’re worse off. It really has turned into what’s going to happen next, stay tuned.
You really do need therapy. You’ll say you’re making progress at your own pace and you’re doing this or that or will ignore, but you really aren’t. Good luck KC. I do wonder how much longer you’ll post if you post at all. You didn’t just get a 2x4, you got a rail road tie, but it was spot on. You do have so so many inconsistencies in your thread.
My timeline for healing is my own.
I accept my faults and I forgive myself. I see huge changes on myself as do my closest friends and support group. I know where I still struggle.
I will say there is a great deal of judgement around this board.
Because I'm choosing to date that equates I must feel I need a man... wth. I've never ever needed a man. I'm the most independent person. It drove my STBXH nuts that I did not need him. Wanted him yes but never needed him.
I never said you needed a man. IMO you need therapy.
I’m sorry you feel judged. Maybe I’m misinformed or under the wrong impression what this board is about. I was under the impression it was about saving yourself and becoming the best version of you and the effect of that would be saving your marriage. I’m glad your closest friends have seen the major changes, but are they seeing what’s real or what you want them to see? Because the impression you leave here is you just keep doing the same thing over and over again hoping for a different result.
One moment you’re on a dating site looking for a friend, than a booty call, than you fall for a man. Yet you stay on the dating apps even though you ran through the gambit.
Again I could be wrong, I don’t know you at all and only through this forum. But the impression you leave me on here is you have very little self respect and only get your self worth through attention of others. Thus why you ignore the good advise here, brag about how good you look, how many men are paying attention to you, all while still wanting your ex back.
I’m gonna go a head and wish you nothing but the best, but bow out gracefully at this time. I think the others are right when they say you come on here when you need attention. You don’t seem willing to do what it takes to fix yourself.
Seriously good luck, I hope you get therapy and don’t just jump into another relationship hoping to mask the issues you have. I will be rooting for you and wish you nothing but the best, but I don’t think it’s worth commenting anymore.
Me: 40 EX:37 Together 17 years Married 16 years 5 kids, 20,18,15,14,11
No comment on the effect internet dating might have on your son?
My son is away at college.
But, I am aware of his opinion. He does not want STBXH in my life or his. And, that he is completely fine with me dating and finding someone new.
Yeah, ok. Again, it is your life, your decision, but I worry about the impact on him and the message it sends that you HAVE to HAVE a man (woman for him) in your life in order to be happy. And that being a fulfilled individual first is not important.
I don't have to have a man.
Not sure where you got that from... I get it... I'm moving on and dating but I don't have to have a man.
I raised my son from birth to 8yr old as a single woman. I traveled this country extensively as a single woman and ALONE. I'm comfortable in my own skin to go to dinner in a resturant alone. I'll go to events alone... I'll go to movies alone.
I don't have an issue being alone.
I'd like to be more social so I hit the dating apps. Tons of guys wanting to be friends and to hang out and be a support system for me... I just got caught up in one that took more of my heart than I planned.
Yes, I get that I'm still processing things from my M and my STBXH.
Every day is a step to what I want my life to me.
Apparently I struck a nerve. And you misunderstood. Didn't say you needed a man, I said the dating while still married sends that message. Whether it's true or not, it appears that you do. Just my opinion. And apparently my opinions are no longer welcome here so I'll just say good luck, and bow out of your thread. I truly wish for nothing but the best for you and hope you find whatever makes you happy.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I come to the board to be honest about my emotions, my frustrations which we all know can change not only from day to day but hour by hour.
The rollercoaster is real and I won't hide that I'm on it.
I write down every day 3 things I'm grateful for.
Its just always pointed out where I'm wrong for this or wrong for that. I'm not living a perfect life. I have moments where I'm sure I've failed myself more than I should but I also have days where I've done pretty freaking well.
None of us that come here have the ability to flip a switch and just be like... OK I get it... done over it... peace out.
Its a journey... its a process... Its ups and downs and it needs to be real.
I read what everyone writes. I write out things that I need to focus on. 90% of my day is good but sometimes that 10% of frustration creeps in and I put it out here and suddenly I'm being told that I put out the aire of that I need a man. WHAT?? I get it... that you all are only seeing the 10% I put out here.
I respect your opinions very much and I'm not hostile to anyone. I've admitted dating may not be the best way moving forward. Its all a learning curve for me and my journey through this isn't going to look like yours because my past experiences are unique to me. I'm not saying I'm right but I'm not out there telling people they so duper awful and wrong.
I'm not out there telling people they so duper awful and wrong.
I have definitely not told you you're duper awful, or super-duper awful, or even just plain awful. I believe there is a compassionate and nurturing side to you and that you could be a great partner to someone.
Originally Posted by KitCat
I've admitted dating may not be the best way moving forward.
Simple then--STOP--if you believe it's not the best way forward. Post here if you need support to stop. Acknowledgment, if that's what the above was, is the first step. If you believe dating may be your best way forward, own that. Some reasons your dating gives me pause--you had an abusive ex and haven't done the work to fix your picker making it more likely you'll end up in another abusive relationship, pilot had anger issues and you ignored each time I noted that (just as I had a blind spot for my ex trespassing into my backyard), you're sharing personal details with people you hardly know out of fear of rejection, you began before you were over your ex, you transferred your angst about your ex to angst about pilot, you struggle to enjoy being alone, you're not facing what you're doing ("it's just for friends"--WAIT NO! It's more), and the amount you focus on dating. All quick impressions, of course, and some may be patently wrong.
I hope I have imbued this post with more of a "caring/concerned" vibe than an "awful/wrong" vibe. If not, know that was the intent and I've appreciated your comments to me and am sending ((hugs))!
Most of us on this website are IMO, empaths, not judges. We truly like helping people become the best versions of themselves so they can go on to lead happy lives either in a repaired relationship or in a new HEALTHY relationship.
I've seen so many people take time out of their day to post well thought out, meaningful, and thought provoking messages to you. A majority of those, you simply didn't even acknowledge unless the narrative aligned with what you wanted (ie dating).
If this website is about repairing broken marriages (let me rephrase, repairing non-abusive broken marriages) or bettering ourselves so that we can have a healthy relationship in the future, what is it you are hoping for when you ignore all advice given only to continue to date when IMO and the opinions of everyone here, you have no business doing at this time? We don't say that to be jerks or judge you. We say that because you are setting yourself up for more BD's.
All the advice here has been consistent, but you continue to ignore it. Why not have a little faith that we know what we are talking about and invest in yourself?
It's frustrating for me because I would love nothing more than to watch you heal, rise from the ashes, and then begin to date in a healthy way. You will say "yeah, I get it. I'm broken etc" but then do just the opposite of what you should be doing, which makes me feel like the time I spend on your thread is just a waste of time and not even response worthy.
I'll ask you again... what is it you are hoping we can help you with? Because no one here can give you advice on how to date while broken, or fix things with Pilot. You will continue to spiral over and over and over and over and over again until YOU do something different. Help us help you!
"Only a fool learns from his own mistakes. The wise man learns from the mistakes of others" -Otto Von Bismarck
