Steve, funny story! It sounds like she wasn't at a point in her life where she wanted a monogamous relationship and you were--glad you were able to walk away and find what you needed.
I don't understand how it has been so easy for W to put behind our M, the 10 years of memories and shared value we have.
So Pack first you don't really know if this is easy for her or not she is never going to show you her true feelings. Second she has been probably detaching from you and the marriage for years and you just were not aware.
Yes! When I was a WAH, it may have seemed sudden to my wife, but I'd been giving the relationship time for 18mo before I finally stepped away. Your grief and hers are likely just on different timelines.
I always had very strong self esteem except when it comes to women. Is like I always thought I was not too attractive or really understood how women work. In all other aspects, I have never doubted my worth as a man. This is why for me it has been so revealing to learn from the books you recommend here about women and relationships. I think that feeling of me not being attractive is what has led me to chase and bother W. I will work on that.
Hi Pack, hmm.. I question this story that your choices were driven by a Pack who had an amazing life solo and was only insecure around women. If you were amazing on your own, you wouldn't accept someone into your life who brought down the quality of your life--even if they were your only option. This reminds me of when I was a child, a saying, "I wouldn't date you if you were the last person on Earth."
Sorry for the long post! But I really wish some of our non-married posters would read stories like this and realize that they've been given a gift of seeing who their SO is BEFORE they make a life-long commitment to them.
Hi all! Firstly LH thanks a lot for your comment, I know my happiness is not linked to a traditional family. As days go by, and W continues to behave the way she does, I see it more and more obvious. I am no longer her safety net, there is a seed growing in my head and my heart, that I deserve better, that I will not tolerate what she is doing with our M and family. Yes we had issues, does that mean she gets to blame it all on me, destroy our life and run away with OM? No!
Steve, I can give you a list of red flags. 1. wedding story 2. yes she loves going out and dancing, and she used to drink a lot before we were on a long R. When we were dating, once I planed a weekend at the beach with her, she went out the night before with friends and did not show up Saturday morning. I spent the whole Saturday playing the PS and feeling like crap. 3. The day I gave her the engagement ring after a romantic walk in the Alcazar in Seville and italian dinner, she went to the wedding of one of her best friend's sister (a friend's SISTER!!!). The day after I took S7 (who back then was a baby) to a walk to the park. I should have asked her for the ring back and cancelled everything. 4. Guess the first thing she did after our S when we came to Seville? Build a super-single life with her support cousin, going out when I had the kids and (yes you guessed it) drinking again (after S2 was born she stopped all alcohol even with beer)
I have an amazing job and I am a rock physically now, seriously, what the hell am I doing chasing this? To answer to LH, it was the pressure with my children and giving them what is "best" what led me to all the pursue.
I try to never think about these red flags because I think focusing on the bad things is just the easy way out for me. I hope you all can continue to help me and understand me.
Thank you all, please keep posting. ((hugs)) Pack
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Me 29 W:29 M: 5yrs T:10yrs S:6 yrs S:1 yr BD: "I want a D" 08/09/19 Sep: 10/27/19
Hi LH! So the book about multiorgasmic man has all these breathing and muscular exercises to gain better control over ejaculation and so on. Then you have a lot of content on healthy masturbation and understanding your body in a better way. When I am in between physical exercise or have some calm time or in bed, I repeat these exercises. I have not been able to test if they work as I am not seeing anyone so my sex life is non existent but I can say there have been good results when alone! hahaha
I think dudes just need to get out of their own heads in regards to sex. Thinking/worrying about your performance should be avoided. Positive thoughts. And avoid too much masturbation. That can numb your member and affect performance.
Hi LH! So the book about multiorgasmic man has all these breathing and muscular exercises to gain better control over ejaculation and so on. Then you have a lot of content on healthy masturbation and understanding your body in a better way. When I am in between physical exercise or have some calm time or in bed, I repeat these exercises. I have not been able to test if they work as I am not seeing anyone so my sex life is non existent but I can say there have been good results when alone! hahaha
I think dudes just need to get out of their own heads in regards to sex. Thinking/worrying about your performance should be avoided. Positive thoughts. And avoid too much masturbation. That can numb your member and affect performance.
I agree with Harvey. Just don’t be selfish and make sure momma gets hers and the rest will work itself out.
Yes! Being great in bed isn’t complicated. Strive to ensure you’re both pleased, be creative and try new things instead of being formulaic, and communicate about what you each enjoy.
Work on that self-esteem! That takes time to improve.
I understand you don't want to focus on bad things that happened in the past, but you should have initially told us she had cheated on you. It significantly changes the picture, IMHO. We spent many months viewing this as a WAW sitch!
All this time you have been obsessed with her (b/c she rejected you), and you couldn't understand why she would act the way she does. Why couldn't you have just been honest with us?
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I reacted in the absolute opposite way. I was thinking, she does not deserve me and I am not going to tolerate this from anyone in my life.
That's exactly the way you should have handled it this time!
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thanks for all the comments again! I don't worry too much about that but I was never the one to last too long and W was not very understanding. She would instead act upset. It created a kind of fear in me, I wanted to have way more sex but I felt like I was going to let her down. It is hard to explain, anyways, these exercises and keeping a healthier mind as you say will help me!
Originally Posted by sandi2
I understand you don't want to focus on bad things that happened in the past, but you should have initially told us she had cheated on you. It significantly changes the picture, IMHO. We spent many months viewing this as a WAW sitch!
All this time you have been obsessed with her (b/c she rejected you), and you couldn't understand why she would act the way she does. Why couldn't you have just been honest with us?
Hi Sandi! Apologies if I give the impression of hiding that, I never intended to. It happened as we were 20, she got really drunk and then spent moths trying to apologize but as I said I was not ready to listen. I thought it was a totally different thing because now we were 29 and had two kids and a family life that has nothing to do with the situation back when we were dating. Maybe is the way I perceive it, I am just trying to explain why I did not give it so much importance.
Could you explain why you feel this changes the picture? How something that happened so long ago impact this? Is she really not behaving like a WAW?
I have tried to give you all the truth but I just never went before us getting married. One day at home in Munich when we were in our domestic separation she told me she thought I had been paying her back for what happened that day. She said this full of bitterness.
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That's exactly the way you should have handled it this time!
I know, but it does not feel the same when you are young and have no responsibilities to tell a GF, screw you I will not tolerate this behaviour, and to do the same with your W and the mother of your 2 children when you have a family and a life with them.
I have started to work very strongly on NC, I do not stop a second when we exchange the kids and I ignore her PM when she complains about me not being available every time she calls the kids (I just dont have my phone on me 100% of the time). I ask them to call her later or send her a voice note.
I am reading Holding on to your nuts and I am very focused on me now. I think a lot about how long it has been since this began. I can see many changes in me I want to keep as a man, but I am scared my mind will never be able to put a healthy end to this suffering I have inside. I cried this morning while having breakfast after I left the kids at school, I have been feeling very lonely lately but I try to use it as motivation to push me to be happy alone, single, divorced or whatever is it that I am now.
Thanks a lot for all your posts and support! It means a lot to me! ((hugs)) Pack
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Me 29 W:29 M: 5yrs T:10yrs S:6 yrs S:1 yr BD: "I want a D" 08/09/19 Sep: 10/27/19
That's exactly the way you should have handled it this time!
I know, but it does not feel the same when you are young and have no responsibilities to tell a GF, screw you I will not tolerate this behaviour, and to do the same with your W and the mother of your 2 children when you have a family and a life with them.
So what would she have to do before it trumped being your W and mother of your 2 children? Sleep with more than one other guy? Where do you draw the line that being your W and mother of your 2 kids no longer gives her a pass?
Originally Posted by Pack_19
I am reading Holding on to your nuts and I am very focused on me now. I think a lot about how long it has been since this began. I can see many changes in me I want to keep as a man, but I am scared my mind will never be able to put a healthy end to this suffering I have inside. I cried this morning while having breakfast after I left the kids at school, I have been feeling very lonely lately but I try to use it as motivation to push me to be happy alone, single, divorced or whatever is it that I am now.
Being sad and lonely is part of the journey. No one on this board ever says that the journey to better days in the future won't have pain. It is kind of like road construction. They put up signs that say: "Short-term inconvenience mean long-term relief!" You will feel sad. You will feel lonely. But that short-term pain will lead to long-term being stronger, happier and more awesome. So when sad and lonely remember that it is a temporary state.
It makes me think about the show Everyone Loves Raymond. Raymond is talking to his single brother that lives alone, and they are comparing who has it worse. Raymond says to him in the discussion: "You are lucky, at my house I am just happy if I can get 5 minutes in the bathroom alone without maniacs pounding on the door!" So look at the bright side of being on your own. I was a bachelor for several years before I met my W. I remember as we got more serious I actually struggled with her being there so often, and not having "my space". Enjoy your "space"! (I know, easier said than done.)
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
