I am not detached, Pack19 part4

[SteveLW]

What would you do? Please help me, as much as you feel you can /want. I think I am letting all that is happen lose me in a sea of fear and doubt.

Thank you! ((hugs)) Pack

"a sea of fear and doubt". What an apt and exact description. When you said that it took me back to January 2018. That described me perfectly. The fear and doubt is what motivates us to make DB mistakes. If we could remain strong and clear thinking we'd DB so much better. LH is quick to point out that if you read my threads, I made a lot of mistakes. He is absolutely right. And yet I feel looking back, because it was my 2nd sitch, I actually DB'd in the upper percentile of LBS DB-wise. But I certainly let fear and doubt inform my actions at times, so it is a demon that is difficult to get around.

So to your question, what would I do? Well all I can tell you is what I did. Though our sitches were different in a few ways, I think that you can look at this as a pattern:

1. Get into IC. IC is supremely important. It is something I refused to do for years. But when I finally did it, it paid huge dividends in getting me to recognize my lack of empathy, my selfishness, and my bad view of Rs that led me to behave in ways that pushed her away. The beauty of all of that was that these were improvements that would have made me a better person (and spouse) whether she stayed or left! (This includes reading books, and watching self-help videos online! Sometimes those were even prescribed by the IC.)

2. Commit to GAL. I am a huge believer in GAL and I think if more LBSs were better at it then they would be able to move forward in their sitches, regardless of eventual outcome. So many do GAL poorly and get stuck.

3. I would avoid dating and having sex with OW. For me, it would be until I was in a new MR with someone new, but for those with a different worldview, I would say avoid it until you have worked through all of the emotional baggage related to your WAW.

4. I would choose an end date. A drop dead date. A date that I could say "I gave it my all for X amount of time, and she has done nothing to suggest she is even remotely interested in recommitting back to marriage." For me it was 1 year post BD. But it could be whatever you can live with. 2 years, 5 years, 10 years? It just depends on how patient you are and want to be. But I can tell you, having an end date, for me, was so freeing!

5. Realize that you will be ok, post D! This is where this forum really came through for me! I got here desperate to save my MR. But the more I embraced my potential fate, and actually started to get excited about it, the better I got at the other aspects of DBing! My mistakes became fewer and farther between. When I consulted with a D lawyer the weight of the world lifted from my shoulders! The more I realized that I was going to be not just fine, but that I was going to flourish post D, the more empowered I felt! This is why I have such a deep admiration for folks like AS, R2C, and LH, because they are out living their best lives and flourishing post D. What inspirations! (There are others too!)

So since you asked, looking back, this was my pattern. There were lots of starts and stops, so I do not want to give you the impression that I was perfect. You will see one area I really struggled was in snooping. I got better over time, but those first 6-8 weeks post BD I was really bad about snooping on her. I also credit this forum for helping past that obsession (and it was an obsession for me!).

Pack, you are going to be awesome moving forward! No doubt about that.

[sandi2]

Why is she so vindictive and cold after a year and a half? Why does she always come up with a new excuse to bring me down and tell me I have not changed and why does she pride herself so much on her newly found life where I am not even a shade?

I have known people like your W who refuse to forgive, put away her anger, and to move forward. It's a fault within themselves. Even if she should marry another man, there will be a part of her that is left with bitterness, and it will, more than likely, affect her other relationships. At first, she'll try to make her new man sound as if he's everything you could not be. (That's just another sign she wants to throw it in your face to hurt you.) It's her vindictive desire to hurt you. Eventually, she'll adapt a negative attitude that all men are alike, meaning they are no good. [/i]

Is it your fault that she's filled with vindictiveness? No! Why? B/c every individual has free volition over their behavior. We choose how to act, how to respond, and how to treat other people. Rather than taking responsibility for herself, she has decided to put all her unhappiness on you and make [i]you responsible. Therefore, she walks around feeling justified b/c she can say it's all your fault. In other words, she thinks she gets off free to say & do whatever she wants without any accountability, by blaming you for the past. This attitude carries over to her having OM.

There is nothing you can do to change her mindset. In real life, I've seen a few of this type of men & women who come to the end of their lives and die.......full of bitterness at life and most everyone around them. They might have a few fleeting moments of happiness during their lifetime, but it was mostly shallow, due to holding onto anger. Their bitterness at their ex-spouse overflows into the other areas of their lives. The ex-spouse has no control over it. The ex-spouse has moved on, but the angry, vindictive, bitter spouse refuses to put away their negative feelings. I think she needs counseling to know how to manage those feelings.

I know myself and I know this will haunt me in my future. This having being able to get a second chance, even if it did not depend on me. This is why I said it will be painful. Also it will affect my children and I cannot protect them against it.

I do think there are some couples who cause more pain for the children by living together. If there is one parent who can't be loving and nurturing to the MR, and the children observe the animosity .........how will it influence their development, and their relationships in the future? I feel this situation with your W was so unnecessary, and could have been resolved if she would allow her hard heart to soften. But she has chosen to keep a hard heart and let old wounds fester.

There are a few things in life we don't get second changes. I can look back at many things I regret and it could put me in bed, sick in my soul that I did not do a better job. What good would it do me? What good would it do my family? For example, the mistakes I made when raising my children are long past (they are adults now), and there's no going back for a redo. We are not promised tomorrow, we only have today, so let's not waste it by haunting memories of what we did wrong in the past. Learn from the experiences, and don't repeat the same mistakes.

I encourage you to speak to your therapist about learning how to manage your negative thought patterns. For example, you said you "know" not having a second chance will haunt you in the future. It doesn't have to haunt you, Pack. You are setting yourself up by making these type of proclamations. Yes, you may always have regrets over the MR, but it doesn't have to haunt you every day until you die. You can learn how to process and manage your emotional pain, just like physical pain. I've never had cognitive behavior therapy, but the board has had members who did, and had very positive results. I honestly believe your entire life would blossom if you could change the way you think about some of these issues. (((hugs)))

God knows I gave it my best and I meant it when I promised her to love her and grow a family together.

And that's all you could do! No matter how sorrowful you feel about not getting a second chance, you can have peace knowing you tried your best. You have to claim peace, instead of claiming you'll be haunted.

I actually have a lot of hope for you, Pack. Now, when I make that statement.......where does your mind take you? Am I talking about hope for the M? Am I talking about hope for Pack's happiness and peace of mind? What do you think? When you first joined the board, you linked all future happiness to reconciliation of your MR. However, I think you are beginning to grow and can see farther. The need to save your M can blind a person to an extent. Like you, for instance, couldn't or wouldn't process what we told you, b/c all you saw was winning back your W. When that didn't happen, you blamed yourself. Yes, you made some mistakes, like most every LBH. Do I think those mistakes is why reconciliation never came? We'll never know, but just my intuition says your W believed you were the one who should make changes to please her. .......(which was never going to be good enough). You bought into the same mentality and believed you could make changes that would win her back. In the meantime, nothing you did satisfied her, b/c she had hardened her heart too much. What am I saying? It's all on her, now. There has been no reconciliation b/c of her. You tried for a second chance and she was having none of it. You can't make someone love you when they have a closed heart.

[Ginger1]

Honestly pack, I think she is so vindictive because you are still so attached. She still feels trapped and smothered in a way and she’s just going to be mean and vindictive because of that.

I imagine when you truly let go, she will not be so vindictive and mean, and coparenting will eventually happen.

Her vindictiveness is her trying to cut that rope you still have tied to her

[Pack_19]

Hi all,

Sorry I have not replied earlier. I tested positive for covid yesterday and I have had a couple of days with fever. I am in lockdown at home and thank God I did not see my parents except for a walk on the park with the kids. S7 and S2 are with W for 10 days at home and thanks to Pack all of them are getting a PCR test. I am still freaking out on how random this is, I was always proud that my life was between my desk at home and the exercise outdoors. I am a bit concern it might affect how good I was feeling physically but I have had not major symptoms.

I have been thinking a lot on how to face all that is happening and the attitude W has taken about our M and past. I think I need to find myself again and aside from all this desperation and fear I am suffering. The sad thing is that deep in my heart I still think that R would be the best for us four and my head keeps pushing me to fight when I know I should just leave her alone and rebuild myself as a man to 100%.

1. Get into IC. IC is supremely important. It is something I refused to do for years. But when I finally did it, it paid huge dividends in getting me to recognize my lack of empathy, my selfishness, and my bad view of Rs that led me to behave in ways that pushed her away. The beauty of all of that was that these were improvements that would have made me a better person (and spouse) whether she stayed or left! (This includes reading books, and watching self-help videos online! Sometimes those were even prescribed by the IC.)

I am in IC and it has helped me identify many communication and empathy issues but beyond that my IC seems to be focused on making me happy with the idea that W is free to leave me even if she loved me more than anything so I need to be able to live with that and move on. She has also worked with me on many conflict issues and my doubts on striking a balance between my career and the time I spent with my loved ones (majorly the kids).

2. Commit to GAL. I am a huge believer in GAL and I think if more LBSs were better at it then they would be able to move forward in their sitches, regardless of eventual outcome. So many do GAL poorly and get stuck.

The situation is not helping me here. I am stuck at home even for work and W has been going to a new office with new colleagues consistently since she moved back here. I have all the time I spend at sports and with my self improvement books but I am lacking a lot on the social life. I need to think about GAL activities that involve time out with new friends.

3. I would avoid dating and having sex with OW. For me, it would be until I was in a new MR with someone new, but for those with a different worldview, I would say avoid it until you have worked through all of the emotional baggage related to your WAW.

I cannot put myself together for this. I find myself wanting to give my W all the hugs, kisses, intimate moments, dates and all that I did not do when I was so stressed and miserable at home. I miss her smile, her voice, hugging her in bed and her hair all around my face. I know after all she has done I am very pathetic but that is just how I feel and my heart is still with her even when she only wants to hurt me.

4. I would choose an end date. A drop dead date. A date that I could say "I gave it my all for X amount of time, and she has done nothing to suggest she is even remotely interested in recommitting back to marriage." For me it was 1 year post BD. But it could be whatever you can live with. 2 years, 5 years, 10 years? It just depends on how patient you are and want to be. But I can tell you, having an end date, for me, was so freeing!

I have that, I have already talked to my L and I have a date on which either something has changed on her side or I will force myself to close the door and erase all the memories that are now pushing me to remain strong.

5. Realize that you will be ok, post D! This is where this forum really came through for me! I got here desperate to save my MR. But the more I embraced my potential fate, and actually started to get excited about it, the better I got at the other aspects of DBing! My mistakes became fewer and farther between. When I consulted with a D lawyer the weight of the world lifted from my shoulders! The more I realized that I was going to be not just fine, but that I was going to flourish post D, the more empowered I felt! This is why I have such a deep admiration for folks like AS, R2C, and LH, because they are out living their best lives and flourishing post D. What inspirations! (There are others too!)

This is something I subconsciously decided the first day I came here and read stories of others. I decided that there were things to change and that I was going to change them to be better off with or without W. I am currently very desperate to change all that is happening and start something new with W but it is just not going to happen and I am struggling so much to accept that...

So since you asked, looking back, this was my pattern. There were lots of starts and stops, so I do not want to give you the impression that I was perfect. You will see one area I really struggled was in snooping. I got better over time, but those first 6-8 weeks post BD I was really bad about snooping on her. I also credit this forum for helping past that obsession (and it was an obsession for me!).

Pack, you are going to be awesome moving forward! No doubt about that.

I talked to W yesterday for the kids and their test. She asked me how I was feeling and I said I was fine despite having some pain and cough. Somehow I thought maybe she would ask me today how I was doing. Obviously that has not happened, she told me last time we exchanged the kids she has answered me all questions about our R and she is not going to say anything new and that is how she feels now. I cannot imagine the mixture of bad feelings she has for me now, I expected more of the person I married to. I expected her to miss me, to talk to me during the separation, to have doubts, to want to spend family time together...

I dont know if she will ever realize the damage she is causing but I expected more from my W. Maybe she felt the same way about me when we were together and I let intimacy go down the drain and now she cannot fight for me because she does not value me at all. I need to leave, for good, and find myself as a man. I am too weak and clingy to be attractive.

Thanks for your help Steve, I can also be a (younger) man of integrity. You always help me, please continue to post!

((hugs)) Pack

[Pack_19]

I have known people like your W who refuse to forgive, put away her anger, and to move forward. It's a fault within themselves. Even if she should marry another man, there will be a part of her that is left with bitterness, and it will, more than likely, affect her other relationships. At first, she'll try to make her new man sound as if he's everything you could not be. (That's just another sign she wants to throw it in your face to hurt you.) It's her vindictive desire to hurt you. Eventually, she'll adapt a negative attitude that all men are alike, meaning they are no good.

Is it your fault that she's filled with vindictiveness? No! Why? B/c every individual has free volition over their behavior. We choose how to act, how to respond, and how to treat other people. Rather than taking responsibility for herself, she has decided to put all her unhappiness on you and make you responsible. Therefore, she walks around feeling justified b/c she can say it's all your fault. In other words, she thinks she gets off free to say & do whatever she wants without any accountability, by blaming you for the past. This attitude carries over to her having OM.

I hear your words Sandi, does this mean she is a bad person or is this the reaction to all those feelings of frustration and loneliness she might have experienced? You should have seen her last time we spoke, with her arrogant attitude telling me I had destroyed everything and these were the consequences of my acts. Then saying she had many new friends because she socialized a lot. How can I be so worthless in her eyes? She knows jealousy and fear of the divorce are my weaknesses right now and she does not miss a chance to use them. As I said above, it is time to find myself again, there is nothing I can do to change her.

I do think there are some couples who cause more pain for the children by living together. If there is one parent who can't be loving and nurturing to the MR, and the children observe the animosity .........how will it influence their development, and their relationships in the future? I feel this situation with your W was so unnecessary, and could have been resolved if she would allow her hard heart to soften. But she has chosen to keep a hard heart and let old wounds fester.

Thanks for the validation Sandi, I have always thought we could easily start something new but now I just look back in time and I think how on earth have we never done anything with the kids or talked on the phone? Did I really pressure that much? there have been times like summer where I totally left her alone to her life and fun. Now with the virus you can imagine a lot of people are calling me and asking how I feel. I have not received a single question from W, how sad is this for our kids? They will not have a healthy love model right now. I am only thinking about her voice and her hair and she cannot send me a message asking me how I am doing...

Learn from the experiences, and don't repeat the same mistakes.

This is written with fire in my head. Thanks a lot Sandi

I encourage you to speak to your therapist about learning how to manage your negative thought patterns. For example, you said you "know" not having a second chance will haunt you in the future. It doesn't have to haunt you, Pack. You are setting yourself up by making these type of proclamations. Yes, you may always have regrets over the MR, but it doesn't have to haunt you every day until you die. You can learn how to process and manage your emotional pain, just like physical pain. I've never had cognitive behavior therapy, but the board has had members who did, and had very positive results. I honestly believe your entire life would blossom if you could change the way you think about some of these issues. (((hugs)))

One of the things I am trying to change in myself is to be more positive and to become a source of encouragement and happiness. As part of this, I want to overcome those thoughts about the past I sometimes have. We have shared so many things Sandi, we traveled the UK by car when we were saving not too much monthly and when S7 was 2-3, we have lived in four different houses, she got her driving license in the UK, we have furnished our home, made good friends, she did an online masters and I got my courses to work where I do now. We moved to Germany, traveled there and across to Austria, she gave birth to S2, we had to learn German, we lived through the snow in winter and went to the lakes in summer. We had an aupair home, she found her first job, we bought a flat... why does she want to convince me all was bad and sad? She can leave and humiliate me but I will not let her speak ill of our M. It is too valuable for me.

And that's all you could do! No matter how sorrowful you feel about not getting a second chance, you can have peace knowing you tried your best. You have to claim peace, instead of claiming you'll be haunted.

When will that peace come Sandi? Am I really such a lousy DBer that I need D myself to move on? Whats wrong with my pride as a man?

I actually have a lot of hope for you, Pack. Now, when I make that statement.......where does your mind take you? Am I talking about hope for the M? Am I talking about hope for Pack's happiness and peace of mind? What do you think? When you first joined the board, you linked all future happiness to reconciliation of your MR. However, I think you are beginning to grow and can see farther. The need to save your M can blind a person to an extent. Like you, for instance, couldn't or wouldn't process what we told you, b/c all you saw was winning back your W. When that didn't happen, you blamed yourself. Yes, you made some mistakes, like most every LBH. Do I think those mistakes is why reconciliation never came? We'll never know, but just my intuition says your W believed you were the one who should make changes to please her. .......(which was never going to be good enough). You bought into the same mentality and believed you could make changes that would win her back. In the meantime, nothing you did satisfied her, b/c she had hardened her heart too much. What am I saying? It's all on her, now. There has been no reconciliation b/c of her. You tried for a second chance and she was having none of it. You can't make someone love you when they have a closed heart.

I know you mean for me as an individual. I feel like I have been played and that is was written that I was going to lose her. At home she said I had to change but she was sure she would never be attracted back to me. Then she told me the only way out was if I agreed with her perception of the M, then she said I hadnt changed and money was still my main worry, then she said if we were ever to R it would be by talking and not seeing a therapist, then she told me I had not changed because I had only accused her or being a bad mother. I never wanted to please her in the sense of transforming myself into something new. I thought she was on fire, she needed peace and quiet and I offered her support expecting that once calmed she would see the value in our M and family. Some of the changes I did thinking of her, surprise her with better sex, better conversation, better understanding when she comes back. Some others like the passion for sports or the promo at work were for me from the very beginning.

I struggle a lot with the idea that she loves the kids above all but she cannot get herself to open a door to the very father of those children. I honestly thought by now she would have seen more on the reality that our M was. I am going to work on myself and finding the man I can be.


P - Running and biking, find new routines to train my muscles. Keep up the good looks and the clothes. Practice my sexual kung fu
I - Promote to L6 at work, get new certifications and continue to read about NMMNG, attraction and how women interact with men.
E - Listen actively to anyone, develop empathy. NC towards W and respect her decision to not start something new. Read DR again, for my own peace. DETACH
S - Be optimistic about my future, accept I cannot control my way out of this.


thanks Sandi!

[SteveLW]

3. I would avoid dating and having sex with OW. For me, it would be until I was in a new MR with someone new, but for those with a different worldview, I would say avoid it until you have worked through all of the emotional baggage related to your WAW.

I cannot put myself together for this. I find myself wanting to give my W all the hugs, kisses, intimate moments, dates and all that I did not do when I was so stressed and miserable at home. I miss her smile, her voice, hugging her in bed and her hair all around my face. I know after all she has done I am very pathetic but that is just how I feel and my heart is still with her even when she only wants to hurt me.

[/quote]

Pack, I understand that very much. However, think about it this way. What if your W were to die, suddenly, instead of BDing. In other words, she was physically gone and you no longer had the possibility of hugs, kisses, intimate moments, dates. Her smile, voice, hugging in her bed and her hair all around your face, all would be gone with no possibility of return. The emotions we feel when a spouse leaves us is very similar to the same emotions if they were to die. But the way forward is the same! Learning to miss those things, be sad that they are gone forever, but moving forward with a focus on ourselves, to deal with the emotional baggage that we might have at our spouse's loss, and getting ourselves to a place where (especially since you are so young!) where you could move on healthy and happy with someone new. That is the point of avoiding dating and having sex until you are fully able to deal with the emotional baggage. Otherwise you will be using it as a way to mask your pain (unhealthy and unhappy), and you will be treating another individual unfairly because you won't be fully available to them emotionally. Lots of LBSs have tried to shortcut that to disastrous consequences. (There are a few examples on this board right now!)

So that is what I mean. There will come a time when you are emotionally ready to venture back into dating, but you aren't there yet. Keep working on you and you will get there.

[Pack_19]

Honestly pack, I think she is so vindictive because you are still so attached. She still feels trapped and smothered in a way and she’s just going to be mean and vindictive because of that.

I imagine when you truly let go, she will not be so vindictive and mean, and coparenting will eventually happen.

Her vindictiveness is her trying to cut that rope you still have tied to her

Hi Ginger1, thanks for the comment. I guess she feels as if I do not let her free from a M were she was not happy. I dont want a W that is tied to me by any kind of rope, I want a W that sees me and wants no other man in her life. I want someone who will value and love me more than I thought possible. I will work on dropping that rope and improving my GAL.

I guess knowing there were no major issued to explain how it all exploded so badly makes me think I am not trying to trap her in something rotten but just trying to show her we had very unfortunate circumstances.

I dont know what is wrong with me honestly. I really love this woman and I have many reasons to believe we could change and be happy and all I have done since this began is pressure her and remind her of all we have and how much I love our kids. I need to get a life and do it now, and a good one, one that allows me to grow again!

Thanks Ginger1!

[Mumin]

The sad thing is that deep in my heart I still think that R would be the best for us four and my head keeps pushing me to fight when I know I should just leave her alone and rebuild myself as a man to 100%.

The most powerful thing for me was to realize, no matter how much I wanted exactly what you described here, I knew it would never be right and it never work unless it came from her.
She HAS to be the one to initiate R or it will NEVER EVER work. Not a chance.
Put that it your mind then no matter how much you want to R, that realization should hold you back.

[sandi2]

I hear your words Sandi, does this mean she is a bad person or is this the reaction to all those feelings of frustration and loneliness she might have experienced? You should have seen her last time we spoke, with her arrogant attitude telling me I had destroyed everything and these were the consequences of my acts. Then saying she had many new friends because she socialized a lot.

IMHO, it's long past a reaction stage. Her actions reflect a desire to see you suffer. These actions have never lessened over the time you've been apart. Without her receiving professional therapy, I don't know that she'll ever try to pull herself out of this pit of bitterness.

Does it mean she's a bad person? All I can say is that she's not the girl you married.

How can I be so worthless in her eyes?

She had some vision of what she thought a MR should be, and when started seeing the other side, she chose to leave instead of giving it another chance. (I don't remember too much being said about how hard she worked to make the MR better.) With the contempt she holds, you will not be able to placate her into seeing you as worthy.
Give it up, let go of the rope, and GAL.

She knows jealousy and fear of the divorce are my weaknesses right now and she does not miss a chance to use them.

I think you know the answer to this ^^^^^^^. She uses your fear as though she is the executioner. You can't change her, b/c this is about her soul/heart...........not you. Do you understand what I'm saying? Stop making this all about you.

Now with the virus you can imagine a lot of people are calling me and asking how I feel. I have not received a single question from W, how sad is this for our kids? They will not have a healthy love model right now. I am only thinking about her voice and her hair and she cannot send me a message asking me how I am doing...

Your problem is still thinking of the two of you as a couple. Try to step back and see her objectively, not as your W. I know you love your children and are concerned about the impact on them. However, I think these feelings of her not checking on you are more about how it makes you feel. And remember, you told her no contact except for kid related......right? Now, if the kids had the virus, that would be another issue, but not checking on you should not be figured into any of this current sitch........other than it shows her lack of concern for you.

One of the things I am trying to change in myself is to be more positive and to become a source of encouragement and happiness.

I understand, Pack. But you can't force happiness on someone who refuses to be responsible for their own happiness. Make sense? No matter how much you want to be a source of happiness to your W, she has the freedom to deny it. This is a fact of life you must accept. You continue to hang on to the idea you can change her mind/feelings, and you can't.

When will that peace come Sandi?

When she is no longer relevant in your perception of who you are currently.

Am I really such a lousy DBer that I need D myself to move on?

Perhaps, but I don't like to identify you as a poor DBer. This sitch has been a painful experience and you feel responsible. You can use this experience as a powerful wake-up to your weaknesses, or you can grieve over the past for the rest of your life. I know you are working hard to improve yourself as an individual man. I also think you are a perfectionist at heart, and you are very hard on yourself when you don't measure up to your own expectations......plus the expectations of others. I know you are very sensitive to the thought of being a failure at anything.

Whats wrong with my pride as a man?

My guess is your fear of failure, loss, and abandonment. You can't see a happy future right now, b/c your fear blinds you.

I feel like I have been played and that is was written that I was going to lose her. At home she said I had to change but she was sure she would never be attracted back to me. Then she told me the only way out was if I agreed with her perception of the M, then she said I hadnt changed and money was still my main worry, then she said if we were ever to R it would be by talking and not seeing a therapist, then she told me I had not changed because I had only accused her or being a bad mother. I never wanted to please her in the sense of transforming myself into something new.

I think this speaks to the nature of your W. Don't be like a trained animal who follows the commands of their owner. You can break free. Haven't you jumped through enough hoops of fire? Just be your own man.

I struggle a lot with the idea that she loves the kids above all but she cannot get herself to open a door to the very father of those children. I honestly thought by now she would have seen more on the reality that our M was. I am going to work on myself and finding the man I can be.

She probably loves her children, but her immaturity and bitter feelings are the motivation behind her actions. You have been cut out of the picture she envisions. She no longer sees the four of you as a family unit. You wanted her to see the value in the M and the possibility of the future. You wanted her to think and feel like you wanted, but she doesn't.

P - Running and biking, find new routines to train my muscles. Keep up the good looks and the clothes. Practice my sexual kung fu
I - Promote to L6 at work, get new certifications and continue to read about NMMNG, attraction and how women interact with men.
E - Listen actively to anyone, develop empathy. NC towards W and respect her decision to not start something new. Read DR again, for my own peace. DETACH
S - Be optimistic about my future, accept I cannot control my way out of this.

Good goals!

[Pack_19]

Hi all,

I hope you are doing great! First some updates on how Pack's life is improving.
I have contacted a couple of driving schools to get the motorbike license and I have my eyes on what is going to be my first motorbike hopefully. I need to sell the house in Munich before I can buy a new car so this is a different path that hopefully will be more affordable.

I have identified three new certifications that will bump my professional profile, two from Amazon and one from Google and I am going for all three of them during this working from home time. I got a call the other day for a job with Apple but the job is in Barcelona and it requires attending the office regularly, I also interviewed with a couple of companies in London and I plan to use this when I need to discuss moving forward in my team this year. When these things happen it makes me question again how my future is going to be and if eventually I will have to decide between my career and spending more time with the kids because obviously our situation as a broken family is not going to change in the mid term. I talked to a friend for 2 hours yesterday and I was talking about choosing between boxing, functional training and crossfit as a new social activity that involves getting in better shape and he recommended crossfit so I am going to call next week to join with an old friend of mine who lives here in Seville. I look forward to meeting new people there.

I finished reading NMMNG and it is amazing the things that I have done in the past and not complained about as well as how I was never able to place myself first. I guess a lot of my barriers had to do with that overwhelming responsibility of maintaining a family since the very first day I started my first job. It is very difficult to think about this and put at one side the side of the story in W's head. I am sure she felt like her life was never going to be the same in the UK or Germany as it could be here, I dont really know and cannot guess now. She mentioned so many times that she could have been happy with me anywhere but that I was the problem that I have started to think by being a nice guy I lost all attraction and respect she could feel about me. Next book on my list, Hold on to your NUTS.

I am ready to set up my picnic and sit down back to the castle she has built. I have been throwing stones for too long. In my picnic I am really good at work and sports, my friends love spending time with me, so do my kids, we laugh and I feel great as a man. In my picnic I save a part of my salary for a sports car and a nice motorbike, I prioritize the time I spend on the bike and running and I read books to improve as a man and lover.

I have two demons fighting inside my head right now. One is telling me the best for us 4 is to find a way to start over, that I should be patient and just do my thing and learn for once how to DB properly and focus on myself. This demon is whispering to me, if you give up now, you will not be able to say I did all I could, because you have been a terrible DBer. Based on my past and my beliefs, this demon is a strong one, is telling me to eat up my pride and fight for this in a new way. The other demon is telling me to stop tolerating this behavior and start respecting me as a man and father. This second one speaks about how long it has been since we are separated and how very few signs of regret I have seen in W, as well as all the manipulation she has used to get her way. The second demon knows I am a great man and I deserve a woman who is crazy about me and would fight until the end of her days to have a great relationship with me. He tells me everyday how little W cares about our M and vows and he is pushing me to find a great live between here and Madrid or London.

I am scared of both of them, the first one has only caused me pain and misery for a year beyond limits. I have gone through something I would not wish my worst enemy to experience, my head is torturing me with memories of the four of us as a family and I have not been able to be the man I used to be even after a year after she left. The second one is pushing me to a new life that I know if I start, it will mean the end of my fight for this, but it scares me because as you know I feel that would confirm my failure to preserve the most valuable thing I had in my life.

I have set a soft deadline in May 2021 and a hard deadline in August 2021. I am finishing DR for the 5th time and I have set new roles for my picnic.

> I will stay strong and calm on every interaction with W, never mention any subject that involves throwing rocks to her castle
> There will be a change in the way we interact, we will talk about neutral subjects
> I am going to find the best version of me and become a confident, attractive and independent man who knows what he wants and goes the extra mile to get it.

Being at home with S7 for 14 days has been amazing. We have bonded a lot and I can tell he laughs with me. The negative aspect has been too much time thinking about the situation, the lack of change in W and how much time it has been since we started living these separate lives. Like I said, its time to lay down my picnic and find the best version of Pack, for my own happiness. Thank you all for your support and help! it means a lot to me!