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Mumin #2929695 02/08/22 05:38 PM
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Mumin,

Great to hear an update, and glad you're doing well. Seems like significant progress overall.

Originally Posted by unchien
Originally Posted by Mumin
Laughed hard when re-reading this from unchien:
“I agree with the others that your boundaries will be tested. If you've ever seen "Jurassic Park", I like to think of my X as one of those velociraptors constantly throwing themselves into the electrified fence, just to test that it is still juiced. Boundaries require consistency over time. Kids do the same thing.”
Hilarious. Love that analogy.

Originally Posted by Mumin
In short I have been living a really good life, sure covid [censored] but I have managed real well in 2021. Excelling at work, excelling in the gym (235 workouts last year), dated/talked to a few women (one exclusive for a few months), building some stuff at home and really spending quality time with the kids every other week.
That's awesome. How do you fit in workouts during kid weeks? I'm struggling staying consistent there.

Originally Posted by Mumin
So yeah, I dated a girl and it was actually great. Though I ended it because I didn’t really feel that strong of a connection and she was sort of in a hurry. Hurry to define our R, hurry to talk about kids etc Which I am definitely not. She was also recently divorced but had no kids so the compatibility wasn’t great I guess. She did say I was the best she ever had and wished me well, so we ended on good terms. grin
I wonder if you may not have heard the last from her...

Originally Posted by Mumin
I feel I still have a lot to consider for myself and think about. Do I ever actually want more kids? Do I even want to get married again? Where do I want to be in 10 years?
Not that I need to completely decide and be final about it, but I need to have my priorities set and a "game plan". I realized this during dating.
Good to ponder those questions but your answers also may change over time and with the right person.

Originally Posted by Mumin
I believe she isn’t feeling great and perhaps the grass wasn’t perfectly green on the other side.
Why do you believe that? Any evidence to support it, or just a gut feel?

Originally Posted by Mumin
I am +99% certain I saw XW on tinder, though (to my knowledge) OM is still very much in the picture.
Unexpectedly seeing seeing XW's profile pop up as you're swiping has got to be an bizarre feeling LOL Maybe a bit validating as well once the initial shock subsides?

Originally Posted by Mumin
She used the word “slut” to describe herself…
Yikes! Would she really write that about herself?

Originally Posted by Mumin
She has however come around more and more to caring for the kids and doing her “duty” as a parent which is great. Initially my mental reflex was “OH, so now you care??!!!” but today it just makes me happy to see she cares. XW’s parents couldn’t even look at each other after their divorce, and still can’t. Initially I wasn’t sure if we might end up like that but now I am glad we are heading in a much better direction.
That's good. My ExW seems to be is trending that way as well.

Originally Posted by Mumin
The most notable situation for me was when I picked up the kids to celebrate Christmas with my family and they started telling me about how they celebrated Christmas day with OM and his family. I wasn’t aware they were going to do that and that really hit me hard. Not a great way to start a 5 hour drive.
I absolutely empathize. That feeling is completely reasonable. My guess is it gets better over time but may always be a twinge of pain associated.

Originally Posted by Mumin
Sort of babbling on here, but yeah you wanted an update. laugh
Originally Posted by Mumin
Hope veryone that supported me are doing great and again, THANK YOU!
Appreciate the update! Things sound good...keep it up!


Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
W files for D: Jul20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
Divorced: May '21
Mumin #2929699 02/08/22 06:04 PM
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A game plan of what you want in terms of marriage, kids, and where you want to be in 10yrs is great to attract like-minded partners. 10yrs ago I dated someone and was adamant I didn’t want marriage or kids. 5yrs ago I dated someone and was adamant I wanted both. I hadn’t changed. I could take or leave marriage and a second set of kids. What made me want it or not was the partner. I needed to believe their goal was me, not that fairytale. I’ve also met people who can’t legally remarry. There are alternate ways to show commitment. All that to say, “Probably” is usually enough! And your feelings may change over time e.g., as you get over your anger at being a single parent when you planned to do this as a duo, as your kids get older and you’re closer to an “empty nest”.



Mumin #2929768 02/09/22 11:56 AM
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Originally Posted by Mumin
235 workouts last year

Killing it! Keep it up, you must be looking good.

Originally Posted by Mumin
I feel I still have a lot to consider for myself and think about. Do I ever actually want more kids? Do I even want to get married again? Where do I want to be in 10 years?
Not that I need to completely decide and be final about it, but I need to have my priorities set and
a "game plan". I realized this during dating.

Its good to have these things in mind, but there's some saying about God laughing when you make plans. The answers to these questions may depend on who you meet and how you feel about them and their situation.


Originally Posted by Mumin
Initially my mental reflex was “OH, so now you care??!!!” but today it just makes me happy to see she cares. XW’s parents couldn’t even look at each other after their divorce, and still can’t. Initially I wasn’t sure if we might end up like that but now I am glad we are heading in a much better direction.

Good stuff for taking the high road and getting to this place, it is so important, and nothing is more unattractive than the bitter ex.

Originally Posted by Mumin
My change/growth isnt as strong a year ago. Life catches up to you I guess, and I don’t have that “burning platform” anymore.

But recognising is a great step, you can't fix what you don't recognise, so time to find a new motivation to keep improving and stay on top of your game.


Me: 40 W:41
T: 14 M: 11
S: 5

BD & OM Jun 2020
W moves out Aug 2020

"What happened happened, and couldn't have happened any other way...because it didn't"
Mumin #2929907 02/10/22 10:04 PM
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Still here, still reading from time to time

Keep doing what works for you and your kids Mumin! XW is not what she used to be. You can´t get the past back. Live your present.


WW H(me): 51
W: 47
T: 26 M: 21
S: 16
Piecing since 03/2016
Saw the light in the storm
Mumin #2930080 02/14/22 05:51 PM
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As always, Thank you S-XX, LH, BL, OB, CW, Neff for taking the time to reply!
I find that a little perspective and feedback is very encouraging!

Originally Posted by SteveLW
You do not miss her; you miss who she used to be. That version of her is gone, maybe forever.
Thanks for this reminder Steve, always important to make that distinction. My subconscious self isn’t really there yet.

Originally Posted by LH19
It goes in spurts. After awhile you get burnt out and need to take a break and then you start up again.
You are doing great! Chin up and tits out!

LH, thanks for this!

Originally Posted by BL42
How do you fit in workouts during kid weeks? I'm struggling staying consistent there.
Originally Posted by OB-iwan
Killing it! Keep it up, you must be looking good.

Certainly looking better than pre-BD. Sort of a halt in progression though.
BL, last year I tried to workout 7 days a week during the weeks without kids. When the kids are with me I try to involve them or give them some sort of activity. The gym I go to actually has "babysitting" for 60 minutes for ages up to 12. I use that 1-4 times per month.

Originally Posted by BL42
Originally Posted by Mumin
I believe she isn’t feeling great and perhaps the grass wasn’t perfectly green on the other side.
Why do you believe that? Any evidence to support it, or just a gut feel?

Originally Posted by Mumin
I am +99% certain I saw XW on tinder, though (to my knowledge) OM is still very much in the picture.
Unexpectedly seeing seeing XW's profile pop up as you're swiping has got to be an bizarre feeling LOL Maybe a bit validating as well once the initial shock subsides?

Originally Posted by Mumin
She used the word “slut” to describe herself…
Yikes! Would she really write that about herself?
Regarding green grass, I have over the past year heard some stuff from mutual friends about her mental well being.
Though to be honest, while she may not be doing great mentally she might still be satisfied with her decision to leave me. Though again, Im not sure shes "there" mentally to even realize she actually did make that decision.

Regarding XW on tinder again, I am not 100% sure it was her. But I didn't really feel much about her being there. It was the description slut (and other things she wrote) that hit me.

Regarding that description I have done a lot of thinking about our sex life, what her needs are and what were the dynamics in our relationship around that. (Below is a short notation of my thoughts around it.)

IF she is very experimental sexually and has a very strong sexual desire, then why couldn't she be honest about it with me?
The part about desire (though very complex in itself) I have sort of deciphered (read Intimacy & Desire). It was mainly about communication and expectations.
Regarding sexual experimentation my current belief is that she had a mental picture/model of herself that she just couldn't match with those desires. She was "the good girl" but her mind said otherwise. My belief is that this was a major (if not the most important) contributor to the D itself. T


Neffer, great to see you posting and alive! laugh


Me: 34
Stbxw: 30
D:5 D:3
Mini bd: May/June 2019
Married: Aug 2019
BD: 6th Dec 2019
OM Confirmed: Feb 2020
March 2020: I filed for D
Waiting for D to be finalized and W to move out end of January 2021
Mumin #2930081 02/14/22 05:51 PM
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OH and BenB, are you alive?


Me: 34
Stbxw: 30
D:5 D:3
Mini bd: May/June 2019
Married: Aug 2019
BD: 6th Dec 2019
OM Confirmed: Feb 2020
March 2020: I filed for D
Waiting for D to be finalized and W to move out end of January 2021
Mumin #2930085 02/14/22 06:24 PM
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Hi Mumin,

In my school days, "Stud" was a term affixed to guys with active sex lives, "Slut" to women. Many are reclaiming the term slut, rejecting the sexism inherent in its prior uses. For example, consider the popular 2009 book "The Ethical Slut", on the subject of polyamory. I had an acquaintance who, upon being left by her long-term partner, enjoyed sexual exploration--group scenes, domination, submission, body type differences--before eventually returning to monogamy. That book emphasizes honesty and transparency as the cornerstone or ethical exploration of one's sexuality.



Mumin #2930096 02/14/22 07:52 PM
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Mumin, you've got this! You are in good shape to move forward healthy and happy!


M(52), W(53),D(17)
M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Mumin #2930256 02/17/22 09:36 PM
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Originally Posted by Mumin
I set a few goals for the year and one is to COMPLETLEY let her go. I mostly have but as with any long-term love I can’t just forget about her. It's always been that way for me with GFs. I know, most of you might say “STILL??!”. But yeah, some unconscious part of me misses her and what we had from time to time.
The most notable situation for me was when I picked up the kids to celebrate Christmas with my family and they started telling me about how they celebrated Christmas day with OM and his family. I wasn’t aware they were going to do that and that really hit me hard. Not a great way to start a 5 hour drive.
Though to be clear, mostly I am doing real great and continue to move forward.

I am definitely not going to say "STILL?". It's been almost four years for me and I still miss the person he used to be and being a family. Last night I told my daughter about the first time XH met in person and he showed up with a bouquet of flowers and the biggest smile I had ever seen. I told her that I took one look at him and my heart just melted...and it was the same for him as he wrote a song about me that night...lol. I think she really appreciated knowing that but it was definitely a bittersweet walk down memory lane. But...like Steve said...that was who he used to be, not who he is now.

You're doing great Mumin. This stuff just gets easier as time goes on. (((HUGS)))


Me 53
H 48
B/G Twins 13
SD 21
Legal SA - January 2019
Divorce filed - June 2019
Divorce final - November 2019

Together 14 years
Married 12 years
BD1 - May 2014
BD2 - September 14, 2018

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