She asked about the screwdriver again. "You can put it in the shed and I will pick it up, you'll have it back tomorrow" I will reply with a boundary later today.
I am very glad we have a good dialogue (every week) about the kids and I really hope we can continue to have that. But I want it to be about the kids only. So I will tell her that.
Me: 34 Stbxw: 30 D:5 D:3 Mini bd: May/June 2019 Married: Aug 2019 BD: 6th Dec 2019 OM Confirmed: Feb 2020 March 2020: I filed for D Waiting for D to be finalized and W to move out end of January 2021
WW have no sense of boundaries.. They act on what they want or feel entitled to.
Look at it from a logical persons point of view. If i needed a screw driver i would go out and buy a set. They cost peanuts and are useful to have. Its a no brainer.
If i needed something like a tile cutter which i would never use again, thats different.. Would i ever ask my WW step dad to lend me his - not in a million years. I would rather buy my own or rent one.
Within a week of leaving, my WW asked to borrow a spade to do some gardening. I ignored, and got several s&&&y replies for ignoring.
BUT i'm glad i did ignore.
Since then she has asked me to look at her car (i'm very good with cars), and i told her to take it to a garage - so she put the guilt trip on me.. Again, selfish, WW mindset. She told me our children would be in the car and i was risking their lives ( in reality it was losing water and the radiator fans were constantly kicking in from what i could hear ) - I calmly replied withr "Well the children are with me for the next 3 days, so thats plenty of time for you to get it sorted"..
Always remember - She FIRED YOU as the husband. Give a WW an inch, she will take a mile - and some !!!
As for the good dialogue.. I've followed your sitch and your WW isnt the most stable of people. Just protect yourself and your children, as i dont believe WW will keep it "happy dialogue" once she loses more control.
Previous username - Helpme123.. A name chosen at a desperate time..
Now Mr Brightside.. coming out of my cage, and doing just fine.
WW have no sense of boundaries.. They act on what they want or feel entitled to.
Look at it from a logical persons point of view. If i needed a screw driver i would go out and buy a set. They cost peanuts and are useful to have. Its a no brainer.
If i needed something like a tile cutter which i would never use again, thats different.. Would i ever ask my WW step dad to lend me his - not in a million years. I would rather buy my own or rent one.
Within a week of leaving, my WW asked to borrow a spade to do some gardening. I ignored, and got several s&&&y replies for ignoring.
BUT i'm glad i did ignore.
Since then she has asked me to look at her car (i'm very good with cars), and i told her to take it to a garage - so she put the guilt trip on me.. Again, selfish, WW mindset. She told me our children would be in the car and i was risking their lives ( in reality it was losing water and the radiator fans were constantly kicking in from what i could hear ) - I calmly replied withr "Well the children are with me for the next 3 days, so thats plenty of time for you to get it sorted"..
Always remember - She FIRED YOU as the husband. Give a WW an inch, she will take a mile - and some !!!
As for the good dialogue.. I've followed your sitch and your WW isnt the most stable of people. Just protect yourself and your children, as i dont believe WW will keep it "happy dialogue" once she loses more control.
This is the key in my opinion. The thinking here from the WW is "Oh he'd take me back anytime I want him to, so borrowing a screwdriver will be a piece of cake!" That is a double entendre! Piece of cake as in easy, and piece of cake as in having their cake and eat it too! Cake eating is the worst thing you can allow a WW to do. They will take you all the way to the bank eating cake if you allow them.
I love what you did here MrB. So many LBSs make excuses to keep acting as the SPOUSE of the WS/WAS. "But it is the car my kids will be in, I do not trust any other mechanic to work on the car." We see that thinking/behavior all the time. So good job, this is perfect and how LBSs should be dealing with their WAS!!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I love what you did here MrB. So many LBSs make excuses to keep acting as the SPOUSE of the WS/WAS. "But it is the car my kids will be in, I do not trust any other mechanic to work on the car." We see that thinking/behavior all the time. So good job, this is perfect and how LBSs should be dealing with their WAS!!
Oh it gets better.. She had to leave the car with the garage and had the nerve to ask me for a lift back home!.
I told her it was only a mile, so she could walk / run home... lol..
Shame it wasnt raining lol
WW's will always push boundaries. My ex stands no chance of breaking mine lol
Previous username - Helpme123.. A name chosen at a desperate time..
Now Mr Brightside.. coming out of my cage, and doing just fine.
WW have no sense of boundaries.. They act on what they want or feel entitled to.
Look at it from a logical persons point of view. If i needed a screw driver i would go out and buy a set. They cost peanuts and are useful to have. Its a no brainer.
If i needed something like a tile cutter which i would never use again, thats different.. Would i ever ask my WW step dad to lend me his - not in a million years. I would rather buy my own or rent one.
Within a week of leaving, my WW asked to borrow a spade to do some gardening. I ignored, and got several s&&&y replies for ignoring.
BUT i'm glad i did ignore.
Since then she has asked me to look at her car (i'm very good with cars), and i told her to take it to a garage - so she put the guilt trip on me.. Again, selfish, WW mindset. She told me our children would be in the car and i was risking their lives ( in reality it was losing water and the radiator fans were constantly kicking in from what i could hear ) - I calmly replied withr "Well the children are with me for the next 3 days, so thats plenty of time for you to get it sorted"..
Always remember - She FIRED YOU as the husband. Give a WW an inch, she will take a mile - and some !!!
As for the good dialogue.. I've followed your sitch and your WW isnt the most stable of people. Just protect yourself and your children, as i dont believe WW will keep it "happy dialogue" once she loses more control.
This is the key in my opinion. The thinking here from the WW is "Oh he'd take me back anytime I want him to, so borrowing a screwdriver will be a piece of cake!" That is a double entendre! Piece of cake as in easy, and piece of cake as in having their cake and eat it too! Cake eating is the worst thing you can allow a WW to do. They will take you all the way to the bank eating cake if you allow them.
I love what you did here MrB. So many LBSs make excuses to keep acting as the SPOUSE of the WS/WAS. "But it is the car my kids will be in, I do not trust any other mechanic to work on the car." We see that thinking/behavior all the time. So good job, this is perfect and how LBSs should be dealing with their WAS!!
I agree with you guys too and I want to reiterate the simplicity of it for anyone reading:
She is not your woman, act accordingly.
Even worse she is an ex, I'd help a neighbor but not an ex.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Thanks again everyone for your answers! MrB, Steve and Ovr I am very glad you have been on my thread.
I did end up sending something. Before I read these recent posts, but I am still glad I sent it. As said yesterday I have never really told her I dont want to be friends and/or set any clear boundaries around "us" and she wasnt getting it.
I sent something to the effect of: "I am not sure you understand how much you hurt me. Though I wish to keep having a dialogue around the kids, talking/texting just you and I as if nothing has happen just wont work for me". (Bit more text but sort of like that).
She responded with a lot of text, first a couple of sentences and then a lot more a few hours later. First she sent the most formal piece of text to ever come out of her mouth: "Given the circumstances I understand you have been treated in such a way that is wrong and without respect".
A few hours later was much softer. "We should have talked more... bla bla" "From now on I wont ask about general stuff or just pop by." "I understand its not enough but from the bottom of my heart I am sorry for how I have hurt you."
She also sent (really the only important text) "We shall of course continue to have a dialogue about the children. I will respect how you feel towards me".
So yeah I am glad I sent it, 2X4's are welcome if you see fit! Anyway, I glad I was clear on a boundary and I'll be glad if she sticks to it for a while. Long-term setting this course is very good, she will know my position/boundary much better and I (yes the nice guy) will have an easier time defending/enforcing it.
Me: 34 Stbxw: 30 D:5 D:3 Mini bd: May/June 2019 Married: Aug 2019 BD: 6th Dec 2019 OM Confirmed: Feb 2020 March 2020: I filed for D Waiting for D to be finalized and W to move out end of January 2021
No 2x4 from me! The 2x4s come from me when someone explains their position rashly, verbosely, repeatedly, or for a reaction. It sounds like you know this is what you want and she received it well. It also sounds like a true boundary in that it is there to protect you and not a ploy to win back her affections.
"I am not sure you understand how much you hurt me.
Definitely would not have included that
Originally Posted by Mumin
Though I wish to keep having a dialogue around the kids, talking/texting just you and I as if nothing has happen just wont work for me".
Not to nick pick but I would have used "doesn't work for me"
Originally Posted by Mumin
(Bit more text but sort of like that).
How much more?
Originally Posted by Mumin
"I understand its not enough but from the bottom of my heart I am sorry for how I have hurt you."
Wow! Most don't get that much
Originally Posted by Mumin
"We shall of course continue to have a dialogue about the children. I will respect how you feel towards me".
You will be tested
Originally Posted by Mumin
Anyway, I glad I was clear on a boundary and I'll be glad if she sticks to it for a while. Why do you care if she sticks to it? [quote=Mumin] Long-term setting this course is very good, she will know my position/boundary much better and I (yes the nice guy) will have an easier time defending/enforcing it.
Thank you CW, I am protecting myself and my own time. This whole thing is complex as I want to protect our dialogue around the kids. This was my first real step since physical separation to also protect myself.
Originally Posted by LH19
Originally Posted by Mumin
"I am not sure you understand how much you hurt me.
Definitely would not have included that
I guess not.
Originally Posted by LH19
Originally Posted by Mumin
Though I wish to keep having a dialogue around the kids, talking/texting just you and I as if nothing has happen just wont work for me".
Not to nick pick but I would have used "doesn't work for me"
In my language this is actually closer to what I said.
Originally Posted by LH19
Originally Posted by Mumin
(Bit more text but sort of like that).
How much more?
It was four sentences in total.
Originally Posted by LH19
Originally Posted by Mumin
Anyway, I am glad I was clear on a boundary and I'll be glad if she sticks to it for a while.
Why do you care if she sticks to it?
This is a very good question LH! Thank you! Sure made me reflect and you are so right! I dont care, its my boundary, I will protect it and what she does really shouldn't bother me.
Originally Posted by LH19
Originally Posted by Mumin
Long-term setting this course is very good, she will know my position/boundary much better and I (yes the nice guy) will have an easier time defending/enforcing it.
You got to get stronger M
Please elaborate more specifically if you have time. Do you mean the part where I need to tell my boundary before protecting it?
Me: 34 Stbxw: 30 D:5 D:3 Mini bd: May/June 2019 Married: Aug 2019 BD: 6th Dec 2019 OM Confirmed: Feb 2020 March 2020: I filed for D Waiting for D to be finalized and W to move out end of January 2021
I always have time for you M. What I mean is when you truly don’t care what she thinks. When you can ignore the request of the screwdriver and it doesn’t eat at you. I think you are making progress but you are stuck on the last hump before getting over the hill. I think you still want to recon when I would prefer for you to really see her for who she is and for that image to turn your stomach.
