She's OUT! #7

[BL42]

Mumin,

I've been meaning to comment recently but things have been hectic with kids/work/covid...etc.

First off, congratulations on her moving out! I mean that. We both came here not wanting our Ws to move out or to get a divorce, but we couldn't/can't control it. The 4-5 months of IHS separation in my sitch was awful. Constantly worrying about OM and walking on eggs shells. Once W moved out it gave a big sense of release, freedom, and ability to detach. I imagine you're experiencing the same now, so make the most of it.

This morning I re-read your entire sitch (all 7 threads), and two things stood out way back at the beginning that were maybe glossed over a bit in the discussion...

• Married Name - Unless I misunderstood, you took your W's last name when you married? Can you explain that in more detail? It's more common than it used to for the woman to keep her own name rather than taking the man's. Even that would bother me a bit personally because it's a social convention they're bucking against me (why if they're "all in" wouldn't they want to embrace it?). But, maybe that's just the times. However, rarely hear about a man doing a complete 180 and taking the woman's name. Perhaps I'm making more of it than there is, but I wonder what the thought process was there.
• Sitch Prior to Marriage - You live together 12 years and had two children yet only got married a year and a half ago, and only after you already had a "mini-BD" and suspected OM. Why is it you waited ten years and after two children to get married? That length of relationship and the two kids being a big influence would usually (for better or worse) dictate a marriage before then.

Anyway, these two items stuck out to me and makes me wonder how the first 10 years were. Were there problems and red flags before the last two years? I don't mean to be harsh, but wonder if you've now reflected and see things differently than you did a year and a half ago.

I think LH19's comment was spot on...

You should have never gotten married. You married a woman who was and still is in an active affair. Not having sex 6 months prior to your marriage is a serious red flag that will be unacceptable to you moving forward. Right now your W is unsure where she stands with the new guy and that is why she went through with the marriage because he is unwilling to commit. If he was he would have talked her out of getting married. Right now she has no respect for you mostly because you are willing to share her with another man. If you are doing this she will never be able to feel safe with you.

Things you need to stop immediately. Stop making appointments for MC. If there is another appointment ever made again it will be by her. No more leaving your house. That is your castle and you will not spend another night in that shitty apartment. She can live and stay wherever she wants and it doesn't effect you in anyway. Stop playing computer games. It is unproductive and unattractive for a 30 year old man.

Every move you make needs to be made from a place of strength. Take the focus off you W and place it on you and your children. If you do this your w will notice and possibly rethink her decisions.

Anyway, congrats again on your new-found freedom. Sounds like you're doing great with the kids and a lot of work on itself. You and I each have 2 kids of similar age and going through similar sitches, so I wish the best for both of us!

[OnlyBent]

What’s the latest Mummi?

[Mumin]

Haha OB are you calling me a mummy or your mummy?!

Thanks to everyone weighing in!
XW's communication stays strange, she removed another two messages from Messanger and since I read the notification I know at least one was bout the kids so I really dont understand it.
I might bring communication up as a topic up to "clear the ice" but waiting it out rn. Actually had to meet her physically this week when handing over D6. Nothing special to add except that she once again invited me to her new apt.
She said next time you are welcome to come up (I had previously asked her to meet us at the parking).
I just said, ok. D6 was there so couldnt really say anything else.

Mumin,

I've been meaning to comment recently but things have been hectic with kids/work/covid...etc.

First off, congratulations on her moving out! I mean that. We both came here not wanting our Ws to move out or to get a divorce, but we couldn't/can't control it. The 4-5 months of IHS separation in my sitch was awful. Constantly worrying about OM and walking on eggs shells. Once W moved out it gave a big sense of release, freedom, and ability to detach. I imagine you're experiencing the same now, so make the most of it.

This morning I re-read your entire sitch (all 7 threads), and two things stood out way back at the beginning that were maybe glossed over a bit in the discussion...

• Married Name - Unless I misunderstood, you took your W's last name when you married? Can you explain that in more detail? It's more common than it used to for the woman to keep her own name rather than taking the man's. Even that would bother me a bit personally because it's a social convention they're bucking against me (why if they're "all in" wouldn't they want to embrace it?). But, maybe that's just the times. However, rarely hear about a man doing a complete 180 and taking the woman's name. Perhaps I'm making more of it than there is, but I wonder what the thought process was there.
• Sitch Prior to Marriage - You live together 12 years and had two children yet only got married a year and a half ago, and only after you already had a "mini-BD" and suspected OM. Why is it you waited ten years and after two children to get married? That length of relationship and the two kids being a big influence would usually (for better or worse) dictate a marriage before then.

Anyway, these two items stuck out to me and makes me wonder how the first 10 years were. Were there problems and red flags before the last two years? I don't mean to be harsh, but wonder if you've now reflected and see things differently than you did a year and a half ago.

I think LH19's comment was spot on...

You should have never gotten married. You married a woman who was and still is in an active affair. Not having sex 6 months prior to your marriage is a serious red flag that will be unacceptable to you moving forward. Right now your W is unsure where she stands with the new guy and that is why she went through with the marriage because he is unwilling to commit. If he was he would have talked her out of getting married. Right now she has no respect for you mostly because you are willing to share her with another man. If you are doing this she will never be able to feel safe with you.

Things you need to stop immediately. Stop making appointments for MC. If there is another appointment ever made again it will be by her. No more leaving your house. That is your castle and you will not spend another night in that shitty apartment. She can live and stay wherever she wants and it doesn't effect you in anyway. Stop playing computer games. It is unproductive and unattractive for a 30 year old man.

Every move you make needs to be made from a place of strength. Take the focus off you W and place it on you and your children. If you do this your w will notice and possibly rethink her decisions.

Anyway, congrats again on your new-found freedom. Sounds like you're doing great with the kids and a lot of work on itself. You and I each have 2 kids of similar age and going through similar sitches, so I wish the best for both of us!

BL I appreciate you posting here. We have similar sitches and I likewise wish you the best! Just the fact that you re-read everything, Thank you!
You are so right that LH was spot on, thanks for bringing that post back.
However I can confidently say that today, in that same situation I would not have gotten married and frankly wish I hadn't.

Regarding your two points .

Married name
First and foremost its a cultural thing. This is not uncommon where I live.
Secondly I liked the name. Her family has cultural history (well known in some groups) and its a unique name.
My family name is the least unique in the entire country.

Sitch Prior to Marriage
There is of course some history but again, not getting married is a cultural thing. Two of my mothers brothers and sisters have several kids and have never gotten married. Though again, I would NEVER get married in that same situation. I had blind trust in her and chose to believe her words. I was a nice guy (still am to a large extent) and I was a fool. I convinced myself it wasnt about me/us, it was about her. The mini-BD was her saying she wasn't sure about things but when I brought the wedding up (a months later) she still said she wanted to proceed. I grabbed on to the hope in those words like a mad man.

Can add more later. Have meetings now.

In general I am up to my ears in work, taking care fo kids (school has been shut down) and exercise.
Trying to fit in some DIY and plans for the house.
Will probably rent the house out for 1-2 weeks during summer to make som extra money.

[Mumin]

XW: Hey can I borrow your screwdriver? Putting up curtains.
She also came by the house this morning without notice to bring by kids stuff.

Need to set some boundaries and/or tell her I’m not her buddy.

[LH19]

Nope. I feel like you’ve told her that multiple times. Time to get tough my man. You ignore the screwdriver text and a simple text simply asking her to text your before unexpectedly dropping by.

It took my exw a really long time to get it but she did.

[ovrrnbw]

Actions are greater than words, Mumin.

I'd assume what she is doing is using you for her own reasons. You don't have to lend her anything. I know plenty of people who don't lend tools b/c they may never get them back and it's true. Sounds like you have a good reason now.

If she drops by, it's hard to just ignore her since y'all have kids. Let it roll off your shoulders like water off a duck's back.

[Mumin]

Hey LH and Ovr, thank you for quick replies!
There actually was a text on a channel we seldom use anymore... will let that one slide for now.

Regarding telling her, I really haven’t.
I have drifted it here a couple of times since I have considered it often but always resort to showing with actions or ignoring.
I have never told her I don’t want to be friends.

[LH19]

M,

If you continue to ignore the screwdriver texts she will eventually get the hint.

[Traveler]

Hi Mumin,

Your choice to give or not give the screwdriver is what sets your boundaries. Most boundaries need little to no communication, and a need to announce them is often a sign it's more than a boundary. Good job writing out your thoughts and taking time to reconsider whenever you're tempted to send her deep messages.

[LH19]

When it comes to intimate, personal and professional negotiations, the person who has the most to lose is in the weaker position of leverage. By knowing what you want and loving and valuing yourself, you can set and enforce healthy boundaries to make sure everyone in your life belongs there because they have proven through their actions that they deserve the gift of your time. This ensures that you never settle for less than what you are capable of having and creating in your life, because those that are not a match simply get bounced out of your life permanently.