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(((Sage)))

I am late to the game here, but I hope you are still feeling better and stronger and, like WF says, turning that compassion toward yourself.

Originally Posted by Sage4
I just so desperately want to authentically be me. Kind, loving, compassionate, considerate of others, accommodating where I can. A good friend. A good person. My R with H is the only inauthentic arena of my life and it is killing me. I don't know how to act. I don't know what to do.


I empathize with this so much. I remember writing something very similar not too long ago, struggling with feeling inauthentic, false around my H. I still feel this way sometimes. But your H's reaction to your vulnerability and honesty reminds me why it just won't work. They're just really unable to handle it--to see it, to, as Gerda says, see us, empathize with us, or even mostly, it seems, when they are in this state, to receive compassion. Maybe deep down your H doesn't believe he is worthy of your kindness or love, or of kindness or love.

At any rate, regardless of what you can or can't express to your H, you are authentic. You are kind, loving, compassionate, a good friend, a good person, all of that and more. His behavior doesn't change who you are.


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Hi friends! I have missed writing here and thought I was long overdue for an update. I hope to get a chance to post on your threads, but I have been reading along and cheering from the sidelines to your wise words and perspectives on your own and other’s sitches.

It has been a very up-and-down tumultuous spring; there have been so many great developments in certain aspects of my life (professionally, my kiddos, my mental attitude) and some really hard ones (my M). After attempting to go-it-alone with divorce settlement talks, we have finally hired Ls. Collaborative divorce lawyers, which feels very much in line with my values and ethics and I have hope that it will keep things cleaner than they could be with traditional Ls.

I can proudly say I am firmly detached and really ready for the D process to begin in earnest and conclude sometime this year. The further out from my marriage I get, the more I see how much imbalance existed in it and how I have spent the past 10 years merely surviving instead of thriving.

I don’t want to get into details, but H is not the person I thought he was, in any sense of the word. I know that D can bring out the worst in people, so I am allowing some wiggle room there, but there are some deep personality traits that I now see I unconsciously enabled and compensated for in our R. The freedom and sense of peace and happiness I now feel, nearly a year out from separation, as well as the complete absence of some mystery health issues I faced for years is enough to tell me that this is truly the right path for me and my future. All of this notwithstanding, I have had recent bouts of questioning my sanity and culpability, to an unhealthy extreme at times. But having good therapy, wise friends, a supportive community and internet resources such as this community have given me the tools to understand that perhaps I am not as crazy as I allowed myself to believe.

As I begin to work with my L and understand that my rights are (or should be) equal to his in terms of how our life is structured moving forward, I am overwhelmed with such relief. There is a very real possibility that at the end of the day, my life is going to be easier than it ever has been, by order of magnitudes due to our wildly imbalanced professional and personal lifestyle. I wish I had taken all of your advice to retain a L long ago.

Hindsight is of course 20/20 and I hope that this next little tidbit may be useful to a future reader going through something similar. Much of this is an echo Gerda’s post of a few weeks ago, a worthy read for all. But here is my current feelings about what I have experienced in this hard, painful process:

I am a strong, independent woman who always trusted my intuition and felt assured of my decision-making capacity (and my ability to pivot should I make a poor decision). I felt healthy, strong and mentally balanced. I felt like I had internal resources in excess and as such, when H came flying at me with all his accusations about my character, my conduct during our M and my reaction to his blindsiding ILYBNILWY, I listened and internalized them much, much more than I ever should have. He played on my strengths and used them as fuel as to why he had to leave 15 years of misery. I trusted him and allowed him to tear apart everything that made me, me. All the sides of me that I valued, that other people in my life valued, that honestly was what attracted him to me in the first place, became a burned-out village, smoldering in spots and no longer recognizable.

I did this. I allowed this to happen. My eagerness to grow and change, my desire to save my M, and my curious nature, coupled with the codependent dynamics that have existed in our M allowed this to happen. And as I am rebuilding that village, I am able to see where the weaknesses existed, some of the huts were dry tinder begging for a spark. And now I get to rebuild it all of bricks and stone if I wish. Or not. But it’s mine and it’s me and I get to decide what rises from the ashes.

The deep irony in all of this is that I have daughters who are so much like me. Strong, independent, self-assured, but also open, loving, caring and community-minded. If I let H continue to tear down those essences of me, I am allowing him to vicariously do the same for my daughters. Not on my watch. And I will lead them by example. You too, dear daughters can be strong and capable. Don’t ever apologize for that; it is celebrated in men. And you can also be kind and loving and empathetic. You can hold it all, and you will.

The pendulum has had some wild swings in this regard: in staking my claim to what is my equal right, I have experimented with going forcefully in the other direction (‘I have to stand up for myself! Bring out the big guns!’) when a more balanced tact would have sufficed. I forgive myself these extremes, have apologized where necessary; I am learning as I go. And having a compassionate legal team on my side has helped ballast the boat, I don’t have to go it alone.

I am still in the midst of some hard stuff. Triggers occur daily. I am traumatized on a lot of levels. But I am just enough above the clouds to see that this isn’t going to be forever, that time will heal me, H and the children. That H and I will likely come out the other side in a few years and be able to communicate normally, put our children first and both lead successful lives. That’s my north star anyway.

Thanks for reading, I adore you all.

Xx
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Hello Sage

What a good update. You sound great.

Nice to see you both have lawyers involved and are proceeding in a cordial and reasonable manner, and in line with your ethical views.

Originally Posted by Sage4
I am just enough above the clouds to see that this isn’t going to be forever, that time will heal me

Awesome!

Rise from the ashes my friend. You’ve got a good heading in that North Star of your’s.

D


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hi dear Sage,

No words of wisdom from me... just wanted to say that you're doing so, so well. You sound healthy and clear-eyed and STRONG. You've got this, my dear.

xx May


Me (46) H (42)
M:14 T:18, D9 & D11
4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs
9/20 - present: R and piecing
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Sage (and May22!), I always think of you and wish I knew you IRL. You are doing amazingly. Look how fast you came to see clearly, compared to poor little Gerda, walking barefoot in the snow. But we are both always looking up, shouting with joyful hope, Look up! like you ice skating with your darlings....

Last edited by Gerda; 07/14/21 03:35 AM.

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Originally Posted by Sage4

I can proudly say I am firmly detached and really ready for the D process to begin in earnest and conclude sometime this year. The further out from my marriage I get, the more I see how much imbalance existed in it and how I have spent the past 10 years merely surviving instead of thriving.


^^^ this. YES. I so relate!

Originally Posted by Sage4

I don’t want to get into details, but H is not the person I thought he was, in any sense of the word. I know that D can bring out the worst in people, so I am allowing some wiggle room there, but there are some deep personality traits that I now see I unconsciously enabled and compensated for in our R.


^^^ again, this. I could have written this myself. The thing is, I thought that love would heal him. I thought that love was more powerful than the damage wrought by his parents. Boy, was I wrong. Or maybe love will heal him, but years and years and years from now. What I've learned is that love will heal me and that's far more important. I suspect you're learning that too!

Originally Posted by Sage4

I am a strong, independent woman who always trusted my intuition and felt assured of my decision-making capacity (and my ability to pivot should I make a poor decision). I felt healthy, strong and mentally balanced. I felt like I had internal resources in excess and as such, when H came flying at me with all his accusations about my character, my conduct during our M and my reaction to his blindsiding ILYBNILWY, I listened and internalized them much, much more than I ever should have. He played on my strengths and used them as fuel as to why he had to leave 15 years of misery. I trusted him and allowed him to tear apart everything that made me, me. All the sides of me that I valued, that other people in my life valued, that honestly was what attracted him to me in the first place, became a burned-out village, smoldering in spots and no longer recognizable.


whoa boy, can I get an "Amen"!

Originally Posted by Sage4

I did this. I allowed this to happen. My eagerness to grow and change, my desire to save my M, and my curious nature, coupled with the codependent dynamics that have existed in our M allowed this to happen. And as I am rebuilding that village, I am able to see where the weaknesses existed, some of the huts were dry tinder begging for a spark. And now I get to rebuild it all of bricks and stone if I wish. Or not. But it’s mine and it’s me and I get to decide what rises from the ashes.

The deep irony in all of this is that I have daughters who are so much like me. Strong, independent, self-assured, but also open, loving, caring and community-minded. If I let H continue to tear down those essences of me, I am allowing him to vicariously do the same for my daughters. Not on my watch. And I will lead them by example. You too, dear daughters can be strong and capable. Don’t ever apologize for that; it is celebrated in men. And you can also be kind and loving and empathetic. You can hold it all, and you will.



I am so very glad you see this. I remember in the last few years of my marriage worrying about what messages were we giving our son - of how a man treats a woman or regards women generally, of how a woman treats a man or allows herself to be treated by a man. You are giving your girls the best example of womanhood, Sage. Brava!

Originally Posted by Sage4

I am still in the midst of some hard stuff. Triggers occur daily. I am traumatized on a lot of levels. But I am just enough above the clouds to see that this isn’t going to be forever, that time will heal me, H and the children. That H and I will likely come out the other side in a few years and be able to communicate normally, put our children first and both lead successful lives. That’s my north star anyway.

Thanks for reading, I adore you all.

Xx
S


And Sage, even if you aren't able to communicate with him normally, that will be ok too. It was never about him anyway - it's about you, and where you go from here. Stay true to yourself, your values, your core and you will thrive!


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
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That this too, was a gift."
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Wow Sage, you sound so well and strong! Reading your post, I have some of the same feelings about my H and my marriage. Parts like this:

Originally Posted by Sage
I don’t want to get into details, but H is not the person I thought he was, in any sense of the word. I know that D can bring out the worst in people, so I am allowing some wiggle room there, but there are some deep personality traits that I now see I unconsciously enabled and compensated for in our R. The freedom and sense of peace and happiness I now feel, nearly a year out from separation, as well as the complete absence of some mystery health issues I faced for years is enough to tell me that this is truly the right path for me and my future. All of this notwithstanding, I have had recent bouts of questioning my sanity and culpability, to an unhealthy extreme at times.


It's a hard thing to admit when we realize that we, consciously or unconsciously, enabled or compensated for the personality traits that turned out to be toxic with our spouses. And to identify the impact on our health and well being, and know that we allowed it to happen to us, even if we didn't realize it. Kudos to you for putting yourself first, for being graceful in the way you are moving towards your future but with your needs first in mind. And for recognizing the path you are showing your daughters. Stay true to yourself, continue to walk with grace and the future is yours.

Triggers, feelings, and sadness are all part of the process. Know that we are here walking this journey with you, sharing in your struggles and cheering you on! Stay strong! So happy to see your change and growth! You inspire me more than you will ever know!

El


Me 52, H 56
T10 M7, 2nd MR for both
2 Step Sons (19 and 21)
BD: Fall 2020
D finalized: July 2022
XH Married AP soon after D day.



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Hi friends, thank you for the long-ago replies, it meant a lot to me even if I wasn't able to respond.

Today was a hard day. My kids went to their Dad’s for the first time in 2 weeks and their absence has hit me really hard. Last night we walked to the beach. It was an oddly humid and warm evening for this time of year and one child suggested we take a walk to the beach and another suggested we wear swim suits. We all grabbed a towel and headed down the road. It was one of those puppy-pile walks, hands and arms entwined. Laughter, smiles, discussion of the school day, a perfect sherbet setting sun. So. Much. Love. We walked to a log that was washed up in a storm last winter and at full tide the end of the log reaches to a deep part of the water. We have been meaning to jump off this log all summer. Last night was the night. We teetered out, all five of us, and then a neighbor and her kids driving by stopped to cheer us on as we dove into the icy water over and over. It was magical.

An older friend of mine emailed this morning to say that she lost her husband last week. And a young family in my community is in the process of losing their father/husband to cancer. This family is from India and the mother has no idea what she is going to do when her husband passes; her kids only know life in the US but she has no family here and has never worked.

The word ‘robbed’ has been floating in my brain all morning… I feel robbed of part of my children’s daily life, my friend was robbed of growing old with her beloved, and this sweet, kind, generous family is being robbed of their father and the only life they have ever known.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not one to dwell in too much victimhood, so the word ‘robbed’ isn’t in my daily repertoire, but in this moment I am so deeply feeling the suffering of others and by extension, my own suffering. I just need to cry on shoulders that know, so here you are.

---

In other worlds, H and I are back working through our collaborative divorce after a summer’s hiatus (due to scheduling). Somewhere over the summer, I had a realization that the only way I am going to get what I need in 2, 5, 10 years is to petition for it now, hard. I have been exploring the ‘mental load’ that I have taken on in our M and reflecting on how much I really want to inherit post-D. Or how much I actually CAN inherit and still achieve my own professional and personal goals, which are ambitious but not unattainable, if I have the right financial and child-raising support. So I started writing lists of all the things I do in a day/month/year with regards to child rearing. And separating out what is personal (ie housekeeping/house holding) and what is obligatory child maintenance (dr’s appts, school supplies and paperwork, sports-related, etc). So that we can address and split those duties equitably between us. H is a capable human, a good (enough) father and there is no reason why he can't take on half of this responsibility.

But I am finding that the default in the divorce process is to silently let the mental load fall on the mother's shoulders. I am having to think on my feet, project years ahead of my current situation and advocate for myself. Why are there no guides or books for this sort of thing? Gerda, want to co-author something with me?

All this work I am doing advocating for myself, the financial 'right-sizing' and shifts in the mundane parental obligations still do not fill the empty hole of sadness I have of being left for another woman, of not being 'good enough' as a wife or partner, or that somehow for some reason I deserve to be a single mom to four kids who were created with love and intention.

I am working through all of these feelings slowly in trauma-informed therapy. My new IC specializes in narcissistic abuse and is absolutely amazing, but there are moments when I still succumb to the sting of being a LBS.

I hope to be more active on here. I, like some of the other posters on here with similarly disordered spouses, am concerned about my privacy due to some nefarious activity on my ex's part, but at this point, the support and conversation means more to me than the fear of being 'discovered' telling the truth about the end of my M.

With love, empathy and the strength to endure it all,
S

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Hello Sage

Oh how I miss those puppy-pile walks and hugs and such.

I so love your story of all five of you diving off the log and into the cold water.

Then another curve ball. Your friend’s husband and a young family’s father/husband.

Events happen which stir inside us. Robbed is a normal feeling that surfaces for all of us. Robbed is the epitome of loss. We feel robbed, powerless, helpless. Anger, depression, all that grief we struggle through until we realize and accept.

You are among those that understand. And you are welcome to cry upon my shoulder, virtual as it may be. (((Hugs)))

Originally Posted by Sage4
H is a capable human, a good (enough) father and there is no reason why he can't take on half of this responsibility.

A very healthy attitude my dear. Good for you.

Originally Posted by Sage4
All this work I am doing advocating for myself, the financial 'right-sizing' and shifts in the mundane parental obligations still do not fill the empty hole of sadness I have of being left for another woman, of not being 'good enough' as a wife or partner, or that somehow for some reason I deserve to be a single mom to four kids who were created with love and intention.

I too have had that emptiness and sadness of being left for another. The doubts, the questions of why, the wondering if I was not good enough. You know well enough H’s journey and choices are about him not you.

My four children, like your’s, were created will love and intention. Years and years of happy family life.

Did I deserve to be a single Dad? Well of course not. No more than you or anyone deserved the fallout from their spouse’s behaviour.

Yet….

And bear with me for a bit.

I became a Dad who did deserve it. A much better word would be - a Dad who earned it.

A single parent is nothing short of miraculous. The loving relationship between single Dad or Mom and their kid(s) is so very strong. The shared bond has a touch of the divine after experiencing such upheaval. Be a strong stable forgiving parent amidst all the wreckage of your marriage, for we only lost our spouse not our family.

Sage, I’d never wish this journey upon anyone. And yet, it is such a blessed opportunity. Become the Mom who deserves such a blessing.

And by the way, I believe you already are, you just don’t realize it. And that is the big step of grief. Realizing and accepting. Through loss we gain. Maybe even more than we lost. Gosh, what a counterintuitive journey huh?

Originally Posted by Sage4
I hope to be more active on here. I, like some of the other posters on here with similarly disordered spouses, am concerned about my privacy due to some nefarious activity on my ex's part, but at this point, the support and conversation means more to me than the fear of being 'discovered' telling the truth about the end of my M.

Good for you my friend. Let go your fear and share whenever and whatever you are comfortable with.

In time this all becomes as easy as jumping off a log.

(((Sage)))

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{{{{{{{Sage}}}}}}}
When my son went with his father it was like walking around with my heart outside of my body until he returned home. What got me through was starting to volunteer at a place that means a great deal to me. I would leave before my son was picked up and spend that first day doing something else for someone else. It got me out of myself and saved my sanity. Sure, I returned home to an empty apartment, but I was usually exhausted, because there was a physical labor component to the work, exhilarated, especially if I got some one on one time with the animals, and most importantly, my mind and heart had a little bit of peace. The next day or two weren't easy, but usually by Wednesday (Sunday was the day he would go with his dad) I was starting to explore what I wanted to do with my alone time.

I would schedule things for the weeks I didn't have my son. It actually wasn't bad once I got used to it.

All that said, yes. I felt robbed. But, despite being left, despite my view on how good (or lacking) he was as a dad, my son still needed to spend time with his father. That's what got me through. If any of that resonates with you, then I'm glad I took the time to re-live it.

xoxoxo


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
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