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Try to see the upside of losing hope: you get to put that energy into fun and personal growth rather than pursuing a cheater who has left you in reality, though you are still married.

If you're still here in 3 months I bet you don't want her back.

Now go work on new relationship skills and heal from this mess.

Good luck,


H 34
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It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
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Ace_32 Offline OP
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Ovrrnbw, true i think that my hope is what has been holding me back from moving forward but it was also what kept me going the first few months. Can hopefully start focusing my energy and attention on myself more from now on.

Also believe that this might be the case, but my emotions are all over the place still.

Trying to heal, its a very slow process. Thanks for the encouragement


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Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.

Originally Posted by Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.

It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.

We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.

Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.


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Thanks Cadet, haven't seen her in 6 months and we live far apart from each so shouldnt be a problem. Also didnt mention to her that i am looking at the DB site.


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Originally Posted by Ace_32
Hi everyone,

Been reading the forum for about 2 to 3 months already and reading what everyone is going through, its comforting to know that im not the only one going through this but also sad to know how many others are suffering through this.

My wife left about 6 months ago and moved back accross the country to where we stayed together for 4 years, she took a job there less than a month after we moved to be closer to our families. She is 24 and i am 32, been married for 3 years and together for 6, no children luckily. Havent seen her since then and she has been getting progressively colder towards me and would send me long messages blaming me for everything and saying its my fault she left, i made alot of the mistakes that this site warns against (begging, pleading, reasoning and trying to fonvince her to give us another chance). I found out a few days ago that she is seeing a friend of mine, i guess he was a bit her friend too while we were together. She is planning on filing for divorce soon.

I have wanted to make this marriage work and i havent been able to detach fully, the last few days i have kind of given up hope and think that divorce is better. She cheated on me before we got married and she blamed me for that too. She did show a bit of remorse and i forgave her but the last year before she left she would go see friends and stay out till 1am sometimes and would message other guys and when i got upset or confronted her she would always say she did nothing wrong. I know i am a difficult person and i was controlling and i didnt try connect with her emotionally as i should have, she did try talk to me about her unhappiness but i was always too stubborn to make the change in myself. I believe this is all happening for a reason and i have been growing in my faith and reading alot these last few months. If it is in gods will then we can make it work, whether the divorce goes through or not.

Not sure what advice i am looking for, just wanted to share and if anyone can give some advice it would be great.


Ace, sorry that you are going through this. I know this has to be the most painful thing emotionally you've gone through. The pain of a S stepping outside of the MR and involving a third party is devastating.

If I read this right you were 29 and she was 21 when you married. she was 18 and you were 26 when you started dating. Before I met my W I dated a 19 year-old. I was 27, so the age difference is almost the same. The R didn't last for one big reason: we both were in completely different places in our life. I was established, earning good money living on my own, with an eye to the future. She was in college, living for the moment, really wanting to have fun. She wasn't ready for as serious, committed relationship even if sometimes she verbalized that it was what she wanted. After we broke up I moved on and met my now W. The 19 year-old went through several years of dating around, breaking hearts, and eventually settled down and married in her mid-20s.

I have seen that sometimes a late-teen, early-20s, woman will set aside the "party girl" mentality of their college years, but then at some point become resentful, especially if she has done so to be with someone that is several years older in a different place in their life. My guess is that there is a bit of this going on with your W. I know that hearing this doesn't make it any easier, but I am trying to show you what you may be up against here.

So obviously the best thing that you can do is just to let go, move forward, focus on you, and leave her to deal with her own issues and feelings. I see you mentioning you were controlling, would you describe your relationship with her, especially as she started to rebel with the going out and staying out late, messaging other guys, as more of a father-daughter dynamic? Your goal is to focus on yourself, leave her to figure things out. Depending on how patient you can be, she may wake up one day (probably WAY in the future, think years) and realize that what she had was really what she wanted. But that awakening has to come from inside of her, there is nothing you can say or do to cause that to happen.

That last part is one of the hardest things for LBSs to get a grip on, that they have NO control over the situation. Since you admit to being controlling (I suffered from that too), it can be a particular struggle for you. LBSs struggle with the lack of control: lack of control over their WAS, over their situation, and over what the future holds.

I like your attitude about leaving it to God's will. That shows a desire, intellectually if not emotionally, to accept your lack of control. Foster that. Channel that. Use that attitude to go out and GAL! LBSs that GAL the least struggle the most (the board is full of examples). Continue to 180. If she decides to come back and give it a shot, show her that you are no longer controlling, and change that father-daughter dynamic that may have crept into your interactions. Continue to self-improve! (You mention faith, I am a big believer in reconnecting with your religious beliefs through times like this if you are so inclined.) And finally, work on detachment. You say you struggle to detach, everyone does. It is a rare person that can get what detachment really means, and employ it right away. So keep working on it. It is a journey, it isn't a light-switch. So keep trekking towards it.

Ace, keep us updated. We are here to support and help as much as we can.


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Ace, I also highly suggest IC. It helps keep you focused on yourself. And can help make sure your controlling nature is dealt with for future relationship success, whether with your W or someone new.


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Hi Steve,

Thanks for your detailed response, think you are spot on with alot of what you said. Both our birthdays are in December so basically exactly an 8 year gap.

I didnt have many friends when we lived there together, all my family and friends were on the other side of the country and i was codependent on my wife and wanted to do everything together. The OM was probably my closest friend while i was living there for the last 2 years and i cant help but think that she does these things on purpose to hurt me, she can be quite vindictive in my opinion especially when she is upset with me. He is 5 years older than me, so 37 which is a huge age gap for her. He is basically an older less successful but probably more fun version of me.

I do agree that it probably become a father daughter type dynamic because i had life experience and i thought i needed to control everything and i was supporting her for the first few years until we found her work. I studied for many years and finally qualified as a Chartered Accountant last year, i was going to help her start her studies this year. Agree with what you say as well about it was maybe what she thought she wanted at the time but she started rebelling and wanting to party more and kept saying how young she is.

In the beginning she fell for me very hard and i dont know if i was ever in the same place as her the first few years, the dynamic started to shift the last few years though. We are both christians but we both drifted away and didnt do enough or live the right way during our marriage. One of the main reasons we got married was actually because she didnt want to have sex before marriage, which is ironic considering she cheated on me after that.

I started IC with a christian psychologist last week and having another session or 2 this week. I understand that it vould take her years to realise, i fear that it will be too late then and i wont want her back because of all the hurt she has caused. I realised a long time ago that this isnt in my control but it didn't stop me from trying to take back control.


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Quote
She cheated on me before we got married and she blamed me for that too. She did show a bit of remorse and i forgave her but the last year before she left she would go see friends and stay out till 1am sometimes and would message other guys and when i got upset or confronted her she would always say she did nothing wrong.


How do YOU see it? Did you force her to cheat?

If she really believes that she's done nothing wrong, then she has no high standards or principles by which she conducts herself. IMHO, she gives you this sort of answer to avoid responsibility and to leave you feeling powerless. The only person you can control is Ace. It's time to get your power back.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Hi Sandi,

Thanks for your message.

I do have alot of regret about my part in the failure of our marriage, i never agreed with her blaming me for that and not taking responsibility for her own actions. She would justify herself by blaming me.

I also think that she doesnt have very good morals and it is evident but what she is doing. Trying to pick myself up slowly and get my confidence back.


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Quote
I do have alot of regret about my part in the failure of our marriage, i never agreed with her blaming me for that and not taking responsibility for her own actions.


Right! It's one thing to recognize your part of the breakdown, but you are not responsible for her affair.

Quote
She would justify herself by blaming me.


Exactly! Right out of the WW handbook.

Quote
I also think that she doesnt have very good morals and it is evident but what she is doing. Trying to pick myself up slowly and get my confidence back.


Ace, I want you to understand that your W's lack of morals and/or waywardness is not a reflection of who you are as a man. In fact, it's not about you.........it's all about her. If your confidence has been affected, then IMHO, it's b/c you've allowed yourself to believe you weren't good enough and she's replaced you with another man.

Do you believe your W's behavior defines you as a man? You said you didn't think she had very good morals, and her actions have backed it up. Does that mean you have a lack of morals as well? Of course not! Every thing she's done has come from her own free volition. IMHO, how you choose to respond to this disrespect toward you and the MR will come closer to reflecting who you are as a man. Am I making sense?

A lot of us grew up believing we were suppose to make our spouse happy. If our spouse is unhappy, depressed, upset, etc..........do we take ownership of why they have these feelings? A lot of H's do, and will even apologize for something or anything just trying to put her in a better mood. Some guys have no idea, but they think by saying "I'm sorry", it fixes the situation.

Actually, everyone is responsible for their own happiness. Your WW is currently operating strictly from selfish emotions. Emotions were not designed to think. Therefore, you can't reason with her. Having relationship talks do not work with wayward spouses. It's like dealing with a rebellious teenager. You have to know your own self value and where you draw the line to protect your self respect.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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