Midlife Crisis and Affair with Past GF

[Elbereth]

Think about this. What if he weren't your husband? What if he was a family friend who wants to hang out? Once you decided you weren't comfortable seeing him for COVID-safe reasons, wouldn't you just... not see him? You wouldn't have to explain anything, even.

So maybe try this on for size: "If you return from this trip and aren't prepared to quarantine in the house and get a COVID test after 3 days, I'll be at a hotel." The boundary protects YOU, it doesn't control his behavior.

Hello. If this was a family friend I could just say, yeah you can't come over to my home. But it's not. This is his home as much as it is mine. Don't get me wrong, I do recognize that there is a tiny bit of control in my boundary about him seeing OW and asking to protect me from Covid. But I feel sort of trapped in this one, because I am at risk no matter what I do unless I leave or get a restraining order. And my lawyer said I should avoid leaving the home for legal reasons. So as I recognize this one is hard to enforce and isn't solely the best type of boundary, I felt that at least putting it out there was the right thing to do...and I did say I am not asking you to not see the OW. Just keep the family safe just like you will avoid your friends if you are exposed to another pod. I feel it's really one of those boundaries that are very hard to enforce without also causing myself harm (disrupting my life, my sons life, my legal standing in the home). So I will just keep my distance and wear a mask. I can't control what he does in this scenario either.

I have another question for everyone. If I am "dropping the emotional rope" and embracing that, does that also mean I should NOT wear my wedding ring anymore? Does keeping it on, the WANT of keeping it on, not really emotionally letting go? I did have it sized for my opposite hand, and could wear it there as I love the ring (and it is not a classic diamond ring, its more unconventional). What are your thoughts on rings?

[SteveLW]

I have another question for everyone. If I am "dropping the emotional rope" and embracing that, does that also mean I should NOT wear my wedding ring anymore? Does keeping it on, the WANT of keeping it on, not really emotionally letting go? I did have it sized for my opposite hand, and could wear it there as I love the ring (and it is not a classic diamond ring, its more unconventional). What are your thoughts on rings?

Personally I believe you wear it because you are married. The day you are no longer married, you remove it. Others have differing opinions. You have to make the choice for yourself. I am not sure having a ring on your finger prevents you from moving forward with dropping the rope, but you have decide if it does or doesn't for yourself.

[Eagle3]

Dear Elbereth,

Just read your thread as well. Sorry you are here...

In regards to your wedding ring,
Follow your heart. If you want to wear it, then wear it. If you don’t, then take it off.
Simply do what you feel is right for you.

[Joe2017]

I removed mine the moment I saw her leaving hers at home. And guess who said something first about a wedding band not being worn? Not me. Waywards are weird like that.

[may22]

Hello. If this was a family friend I could just say, yeah you can't come over to my home. But it's not. This is his home as much as it is mine. Don't get me wrong, I do recognize that there is a tiny bit of control in my boundary about him seeing OW and asking to protect me from Covid. But I feel sort of trapped in this one, because I am at risk no matter what I do unless I leave or get a restraining order. And my lawyer said I should avoid leaving the home for legal reasons. So as I recognize this one is hard to enforce and isn't solely the best type of boundary,

IDK, I think if you choose to go to a hotel because your H is putting you at risk of COVID and would not agree to safe behavior (quarantining and testing) I would be floored that it would impact your ability to keep the home in a D. Keep records of all of it. It isn't like you're moving out. You are protecting your own health. (That being said, I think it if was me, I'd do exactly what you're planning on doing-- wearing a mask and keeping your distance. It might be kinda fun to ostentatiously follow him around with a bottle of Clorox and paper towels too and wipe everything he touches, but that probably isn't exactly DBing. )

I don't think there is anything wrong with asking him not quarantine and test. It is perfectly reasonable to ask someone who lives with you (H or not) to protect your health and that of your children. But I just wouldn't call that a boundary. It isn't. The boundary would be "I won't be around you if you refuse to quarantine" (and then you'd have to follow through by leaving). The control attempt is you must quarantine and test if you see OW on this trip before returning to (your) home and seeing (your) children. Do you see what I mean?

On the ring-- I agree 100% with the others. This is totally your call. I thought about this a LOT too. My H takes his ring on and off all the time for yoga and surfing, and I used to watch like a hawk (not say anything) to see when he took it off, how long it took him to put it back on, etc. Before the A, it was really rare for him to forget to put his ring back on. During the A it would be off more than it was on. He told me it didn't really mean anything, but admitted that because he wasn't feeling positive about our M (this was before I knew about the A, just that he wasn't "in love" with me anymore) he wasn't incredibly motivated to put it back on. I took some comfort in the fact he always wore it when he traveled-- somehow I felt like that meant something. Recently I asked him if he just took off his ring as soon as he got to AP's city and left it in his toiletry kit the whole time-- he said yes. So here I was reading into his wearing the ring as he left the house and thinking it meant something, when it meant nothing. Gross.

I wore my ring the whole time until this past September, when I finally was ready to D him. He was looking for an apartment, back in touch with AP, and I was done. I took off my ring then. I don't know if that meant anything to him, but I know he noticed. (And note-- I did not take it off to produce any response in him. I actually didn't think he would notice or care. I took it off because I was ready to D him.) When he changed his mind and wanted to try to R, he put his ring back on but I did not. I actually left it off for weeks, until I decided to put it back on for practical reasons (we were doing some renovations and I didn't want to leave my ring around the house with workers coming in and out all the time). Now, he always always wears his ring-- even if he goes surfing he sometimes gives it to me to hold for him rather than put it away.

The only thing I would add to the advice on the ring beyond doing what feels right to you, is not to force anything. Be patient with yourself. This is all hard, really hard, and takes time to properly process. Give yourself a break. One piece of advice that is repeated here a lot that I think is golden is to not react out of emotion on anything. Even when thrown into an unwanted R talk, just validate your way out of it and escape so that you have time to calm yourself, think rationally about what is happening, and decide how you want to respond. You have time on the ring question. Don't stress out about it.

((Elbereth))

[Elbereth]

Thanks all. I guess for now I think I will wear the ring as I'm still married and right now my heart says I should even if I can't explain why.

But thinking about all of this and about letting go/detaching/dropping the rope kind of had me pretty depressed last night. I had a good cry. Also, a friend called and was questioning my actions and I'm really getting tired trying to justify my behavior/feelings to others that do not understand my situation. So, even though I did discuss my feelings with her last night, I think more and more I am going to limit my discussing with most people. I hadn't done that prior to joining this forum, and realize that I really should have. Also, H has been open with people too about what is going on to. It seems more people than I prefer know what is going on, which won't help us if we do reconcile. It's very frustrating and I wish things had remained more private. I know they care and want to help. But I can't help feeling frustrated. And judged by some too.

H did pop in this morning to get some things and left. He wasn't wearing his ring. He was friendly, and I was as well, even though I avoided him as much as I could.

Reading Wayfarers posts really got to me as well. Her feelings about things ring so similar to myself but she is so much better at explaining it. Reading her words made me cry a lot, as if seeing the words to go with the feelings I am feeling and completely relating brought a lot to the surface. I'm reading your story now May starting a few threads back. You and I are both ones to struggle with control. I have to say how helpful this forum is to be able to see everyone's stories, struggles, etc, as well as triumphs (big and small). It really is helpful to learn and to grow, but also comforting to realize we are not alone. I do wish we could sit in a group setting and hug each other though!

Hugs to all of you...virtually.

[Elbereth]

Journaling mostly, but the last few days I've been a bit down and disconnected. It's really hard with the pandemic as it's hard to get out of the house to do new activities or see friends. I do get out to walk and exercise, but when the weather isn't so nice, I've not been outside a long as I would like. I am considering taking an intensive training course. It would give me something to focus on as well as something for my resume.

My H has not been here, and I haven't asked where he is staying. He had mentioned he would have an Airbnb this month, so he might be there or he might be at his friends house nearby. He still has things in the basement, whatever that means. During our last R talk (that he initiated), I stated "what is the rush to get a D?", and encouraged him to take some time to figure things out, so I'm giving him the space I said I would. Plus, with not knowing if he was with the OW earlier in the week, the space is good for the whole 'exposure to covid' issue.

I'm digging into DR book and setting goals and thinking about my own behaviors to change. Thinking back, I am my mother in many ways. It is true you learn from your parents and my parents marriage is not a good one. I see how some of my ways of communicating my desires were not aligned in the way that my H would respond to them. I'm very direct, blunt, and analytical, so to me explaining my feelings and expectations fully seems so logical. Well, reading the forum and the book is showing me that it's okay to be the way you are, but if it is not working, you need to change your approach. I just wish I had found this book before all of this happened. I do feel that the way we communicate and deal/not deal with issues was the main reason for our problems. I also recognize that it isn't just my ways, H has his own ways of communicating (and avoiding), so what we have been doing was not working. I'm hoping that as I drop the first dominoes that it helps to change the dynamic. And at least now I will learn tools for the future regardless of this MR or another.

S18 goes to his bio-Mom's house soon. He will pop in often as he does. I miss him when he's gone but also enjoy the time alone and not having to cook, clean, etc. But I do worry about him, he seems very unmotivated with school, frustrated about losing his senior year experience, and loss of sports. It's been hard to tell if what is happening between H and I is really affecting him or not on top of everything else. He's very closed off and doesn't want to talk to about things. I worry for his future, his motivations and drive, and his relationships.

I'm still reading others sitch's on the forum too. I've not added much responses yet, but I hope as I start to really feel like I'm 'walking the DB walk' I can also offer encouragement and advice like you all have for me. I guess that is enough rambling... I hope everyone has a weekend of positives.

[Traveler]

Hi Elbereth,

I do get out to walk and exercise, but when the weather isn't so nice, I've not been outside a long as I would like.

I had to add gloves and ear warmers to my wardrobe--I agree, being outside on windy, chilly winter days is more challenging than in the summer. Luckily, it doesn't dip below 40 in the day where I am.

I'm digging into DR book and setting goals and thinking about my own behaviors to change. Thinking back, I am my mother in many ways. It is true you learn from your parents and my parents marriage is not a good one. I am considering taking an intensive training course.

Good plan and reflections. I try to balance GAL activity with inner work and acknowledging my feelings.

I'm still reading others sitch's on the forum too. I've not added much responses yet, but I hope as I start to really feel like I'm 'walking the DB walk' I can also offer encouragement and advice like you all have for me. I guess that is enough rambling... I hope everyone has a weekend of positives.

Wishing you the same! We are all works in progress! Namaste, Elbereth, keep up the solid work.

[Elbereth]

I had to add gloves and ear warmers to my wardrobe--I agree, being outside on windy, chilly winter days is more challenging than in the summer. Luckily, it doesn't dip below 40 in the day where I am.

Yeah, thankfully it doesn't get too cold where I am at too. I've bundled up and braved it, but sometimes when its cold, wet and gloomy, it gets harder to be motivated! But I am trying to go for at least an hour walk each day.

Good plan and reflections. I try to balance GAL activity with inner work and acknowledging my feelings.

Thanks, I see that doing that is important.

Wishing you the same! We are all works in progress! Namaste, Elbereth, keep up the solid work.

I definitely feel like a work in progress, but I know I am strong and will grow from this experience regardless. I do feel like I lost myself over the last few years, so even though I am sad, confused, and all from the turn my life has taken it has reminded me to focus on the things that are important to me again, and return a bit to putting myself first again. At least that is a goal!

[Elbereth]

H just popped in. Seems he is living in his "other" place now. An Airbnb. I was friendly, but I walked away first. He was friendly too. It's possible that was where he has been his whole time on vacation. I have no way of knowing...and not asking.