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Originally Posted by SaltyDog
Originally Posted by LH19
SD I am not saying to give up. I am saying to take some of your power back and tell her you are done with the nesting BS. You are not leaving your house and your bedroom anymore. She is welcome to stay at the whor3 house full time.

Trust me you will feel empowered.

Got it - I've been thinking more and more about this. The answer is "soon" but not sure how soon. There are still some benefits for me when I'm here and can really focus on me without the constant interruptions of home. I had 4 hours straight of reading/taking notes last night with zero interruptions and total focus. That just isn't possible at home with 3 kids and a dog and nobody else there to help. So I guess when I feel like these moments of clarity and confidence that I find while at the studio become the norm instead of just moments.

BS! Man up friend.

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Originally Posted by LH19
Originally Posted by SaltyDog
Originally Posted by LH19
SD I am not saying to give up. I am saying to take some of your power back and tell her you are done with the nesting BS. You are not leaving your house and your bedroom anymore. She is welcome to stay at the whor3 house full time.

Trust me you will feel empowered.

Got it - I've been thinking more and more about this. The answer is "soon" but not sure how soon. There are still some benefits for me when I'm here and can really focus on me without the constant interruptions of home. I had 4 hours straight of reading/taking notes last night with zero interruptions and total focus. That just isn't possible at home with 3 kids and a dog and nobody else there to help. So I guess when I feel like these moments of clarity and confidence that I find while at the studio become the norm instead of just moments.

BS! Man up friend.

I really wish you would stop sugar-coating things and give it to me straight!

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Originally Posted by SaltyDog
I had 4 hours straight of reading/taking notes last night with zero interruptions and total focus. That just isn't possible at home with 3 kids and a dog and nobody else there to help.

Hi Salty,

I get you're enjoying this place of peace and calm. It sounds like it fits a similar niche for you as an office, a quiet spot by a pond, or a table at a Starbucks--before COVID and winter. That explains why YOU want to be somewhere else for a few hours each day, even if your wife weren't in the picture. Many working adults feel the same way. What about dinner? What about bedtime? Do you prefer being alone then, or telling your kids a story and tucking them in? If you prefer their company, what keeps you from sleeping at home?

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Originally Posted by CWarrior
Originally Posted by SaltyDog
I had 4 hours straight of reading/taking notes last night with zero interruptions and total focus. That just isn't possible at home with 3 kids and a dog and nobody else there to help.

Hi Salty,

I get you're enjoying this place of peace and calm. It sounds like it fits a similar niche for you as an office, a quiet spot by a pond, or a table at a Starbucks--before COVID and winter. That explains why YOU want to be somewhere else for a few hours each day, even if your wife weren't in the picture. Many working adults feel the same way. What about dinner? What about bedtime? Do you prefer being alone then, or telling your kids a story and tucking them in? If you prefer their company, what keeps you from sleeping at home?
That's an interesting point and not something I had thought of. Using this place as an "office" when it is my time but then, like work, going home afterward. Hmm....I gotta think more about that.

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On that same topic of stopping the nesting and sleeping in my own bed - how does that work when you're trying to make it so the WW doesn't get to have her cake and eat it to. Me sleeping in the same bed as her is something she would enjoy. When we have stayed the night together we are much closer than we used to be before all the BS. I see it as her being able to enjoy the comfort of us being together rather giving her a chance to miss that. Or am I off base?

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Hey Dawg....it's been a minute....

I have been reading though. I'm trying to get a read on you. Trying to get a good view of who you are , stripped of your current situation.

I feel like you are constantly on the edge of having a good excuse for just not doing better for yourself.

I feel like you are always looking for the easy way out of this situation.

I feel like you are still trying to hold her accountable for your decisions, and holding her responsible for your emotions.

What LH and everyone else is trying to get you to see, is that taking back YOUR power isn't totally about the bedroom, or the house, or whatever physical thing that is presenting itself that particular day...

Taking back your power is about holding yourself responsible for all that crap in your life.

Understanding that she isn't consciously doing any of this to deliberately hurt you, or wound you. she is doing this for herself. And if you can step back and see the good in this.....at "end game" , it will be for you too ...

IF you allow that to happen...

Your job right now is to grow, learn, heal, and work on yourself, and just making better choices and decisions for yourself and your life.

It isn't about "winning" or "losing"...

It isn't about "punishing" her....

Some days, it's about surviving, some days it's about thriving. THAT my friend....is YOUR choice.


What defines you, as a man, isn't about what happens TO you, it's about what you do after that....

You should never be defined by having a ring on your left hand, nor should you ever be defined by the worst thing that you have ever been through.....


All of this Dawg, is your choice....

You choose to stand, you choose to fall...

You choose to thrive, you choose to fail...

It's all on you....

Soooooo.....

What do YOU want ????


How do you get there ???

How will you know when you get there ???

How do you stay there once you get there ????

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Hey Mach - always enjoy your responses and questions!
Originally Posted by Mach1
I have been reading though. I'm trying to get a read on you. Trying to get a good view of who you are , stripped of your current situation.

I feel like you are constantly on the edge of having a good excuse for just not doing better for yourself.

I feel like you are always looking for the easy way out of this situation.

I wouldn't argue with most of this. I also read through my posts recently and it wasn't pleasant. Like I mention in one of my previous posts, I've been (and am) the type to choose something certain that s*cks instead of something uncertain that might be better. I see that and I know that, but making that change is another story.
Originally Posted by Mach1
I feel like you are still trying to hold her accountable for your decisions, and holding her responsible for your emotions.
This I would argue. I am responsible for my emotions and my decisions, not her. In the past in our R I definitely blamed her and resented her for my emotions but looking back now that was 100% on me for not speaking up and for being a "Nice Guy."
Originally Posted by Mach1
What LH and everyone else is trying to get you to see, is that taking back YOUR power isn't totally about the bedroom, or the house, or whatever physical thing that is presenting itself that particular day...

Taking back your power is about holding yourself responsible for all that crap in your life.

I get that. And I am working on it and I feel like I am making headway. I know in the past I was the type to let her make the decisions and I went along for the ride and avoided conflict like the plague. Making these changes is uncomfortable and against my past nature, but I realize in order for me to be happy (with or without her) I need to make these changes.
Originally Posted by Mach1
Understanding that she isn't consciously doing any of this to deliberately hurt you, or wound you. she is doing this for herself. And if you can step back and see the good in this.....at "end game" , it will be for you too ...
This is a realization I came to recently as well and I do see "the good" in this. Had she not done this I would still be the same person I was - depressed, going through each day numb, no drive, drinking, and just feeling unsatisfied. Her doing this was the kick in the ass I couldn't give myself. I don't blame her for bailing. She was stronger than me and able to stand up and say "I'm not happy and things need to change." But I'm also working on getting past blaming myself as well and forgiving myself. that part is hard.
Originally Posted by Mach1
It isn't about "winning" or "losing"...

It isn't about "punishing" her....

I haven't experienced that (yet). I don't feel like punishing her. In a lot of ways I pity her. Beyond me and our current situation she's got a lot of broken stuff to work on. That's not to say I'm perfect, but she's wayward also in that she's lost herself and she's grasping at anything at this point. She mentioned going to Africa and living off the grid at one point. I nodded politely. I guess that's why I have low expectations of us ending up together. She's so lost right now I don't know if she'll ever find her way and I also don't know once she does that I will want to be with her. Because I sure as sh!t am not moving to Africa.
Originally Posted by Mach1
Some days, it's about surviving, some days it's about thriving. THAT my friend....is YOUR choice.
I can honestly say that since the BD I have had more days of thriving than I had in the year prior. I've also had some of the worst days of my life. But at least I'm feeling them again. I don't like hurting, but I don't want to be numb again. I want to experience things again rather than just going through the motions.
Originally Posted by Mach1
Soooooo.....

What do YOU want ????

How do you get there ???

How will you know when you get there ???

How do you stay there once you get there ????

These are all the things I'm working on figuring out every day. I also look in the mirror each day ask myself "Who am I?" Seems silly but it centers me a bit and gets me to focus on that very basic question. Of the things you listed above, the one that I am the most scared of is "How do you stay there once you get there ????" because I can think of nothing worse than going through all of this only to fall back into the old patterns. I mentioned it to LH19 at one point that if I had gone hard on DBing back in November or so, and it worked and she changed her mind and came back, would I have stuck with that path? Knowing me, I don't think I would've and I'd be right back here in 6 months or a year.

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These are all the things I'm working on figuring out every day. I also look in the mirror each day ask myself "Who am I?" Seems silly but it centers me a bit and gets me to focus on that very basic question.


How would it work if you looked in the mirror and told yourself who you were going to become? Give yourself an assignment or small goal for that day that would help you make a step closer to growing into the man you want to be.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Originally Posted by sandi2
Quote
These are all the things I'm working on figuring out every day. I also look in the mirror each day ask myself "Who am I?" Seems silly but it centers me a bit and gets me to focus on that very basic question.


How would it work if you looked in the mirror and told yourself who you were going to become? Give yourself an assignment or small goal for that day that would help you make a step closer to growing into the man you want to be.


I like that idea. For the assignment I've already got ideas. One thing I am trying to incorporate is doing at least 1 thing I am uncomfortable with every day. Something that I would normally avoid. As someone who always tends to avoid conflict or uncomfortable situations it is kind of a slow inoculation to those feelings.

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I like that idea. For the assignment I've already got ideas. One thing I am trying to incorporate is doing at least 1 thing I am uncomfortable with every day. Something that I would normally avoid. As someone who always tends to avoid conflict or uncomfortable situations it is kind of a slow inoculation to those feelings.



Great! smile

Just remember to stay balanced.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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