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A Message from Michele
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Re: Steve_Treading Water [Re: Steve_] #2913036
01/20/21 06:09 AM
01/20/21 06:09 AM
Joined: Mar 2019
Posts: 368
S
Steve_ Offline OP
Member
Steve_  Offline OP
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S
Joined: Mar 2019
Posts: 368
An update. Lot has happened.

Wife continues the story that she wants to be friends, doesnít want more and wants me to give her room to breathe without rules right now. Essentially itís ďlet me do what I want or you lose meĒ I swallowed that pill for a few days on the premise she wasnít trying to be with anyone else. I come by like a idiot to bring her chocolate because I made a big deal about having no more OMís and she was not home. Turns out she went to OMís place for various excuses. I lost it. Lied to again. Called her sister/ BFF and unloaded. Her sister unloaded on her for giving me and my kids hopes. OM finds out I love my wife still and begs me for forgiveness says he will end it with her and he doesnít want To marry her. OM says that he has no idea why she would leave a man like me. WW gets pissed she got busted, denies any emotional reasons for going there, calls me a stalker etc etc and reiterated how she wants to have no rules and so as she wants but be friends and rebuild our relationship.

Well I went there and saw her to drop the kids. Then it hit me like a ton of bricks. I was like.... Iím still in love with you WW I cannot sit here and pretend to be buddies and pals and get my own hopes up or my kids hopes up. I want to have a relationship we feel happy In, your not happy when you feel like you have to be with me. And Iím not happy being only a friend. I want you to be with me and faithful to me and for us to be together. You donít want that. It breaks my heart but I have to be honest we are not on the same page. She asked me to contact the lawyer to finish the divorce tomorrow. And that is exactly what I will do. Enough people have told me I am good man that they all can see loves her and sheís a moron. I realize that being friend zoned means no respect from her or my kids and most importantly myself. I may lose my wife but at least I wonít have to hate myself for being a little B and letting her dictate the rules of our M when she walked out of it. Iím scared, Iím hurt but I wonít lie to my W. Iím not okay with just being friends. And if I went along with that itís more pain for me and my kids. So I will finish the D this week and it hurts but I feel I am doing the right thing.


T:11
M:10
K: D5, S7
BD: 9/1/20
She moved in with "roomate" 10/15/20
OM "a friend" confirmed 10/27/20
OM gone 01/20/2021.
She doesnt want to Recon "yet"
Re: Steve_Treading Water [Re: Steve_] #2913039
01/20/21 07:16 AM
01/20/21 07:16 AM
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 6,139
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LH19 Offline
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LH19  Offline
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Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 6,139
Steve,

I hate to say it but your W is right you do come off like a stalker. You donít listen to her. In fact you donít listen to anyone. Continue your therapy and be a rock for your children. Thatís all you can do.


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

ďDon't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.Ē- Will Smith
Re: Steve_Treading Water [Re: Steve_] #2913040
01/20/21 07:33 AM
01/20/21 07:33 AM
Joined: Oct 2020
Posts: 306
O
OnlyBent Offline
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OnlyBent  Offline
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Joined: Oct 2020
Posts: 306
Originally Posted by Steve_
An update. Lot has happened.


Really? Seems like more of the same to me.

Originally Posted by Steve_
Essentially itís ďlet me do what I want or you lose meĒ


ďGreat, enjoy your new life, all the best!Ē


Me: 38 W:40
T: 14 M: 11
S: 4
BD1: IHS Nov 2019
BD2: ILYBNILWY Jun 2020
OM since Jun 2020
W moves out Aug 2020

"If you don't create a beautiful future, your brain will do one for you and it's not good"
Re: Steve_Treading Water [Re: Steve_] #2913041
01/20/21 07:44 AM
01/20/21 07:44 AM
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,638
S
sandi2 Offline
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sandi2  Offline
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Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,638
I have written about why it doesn't work for the H trying to be just friends with his WW. You have pretty much said what I've tried to explain to others. When the H goes along with the WW wishes to be just friends, he has a completely different mindset from his WW's mindset. He thinks that being her friend will eventually draw her back into a MR. It doesn't. It does not work with wayward wives. She really doesn't want anything more but to be friends, and she will "use" his availability and will continue to manipulate him like crazy.

Quote
I come by like a idiot to bring her chocolate because I made a big deal about having no more OMís and she was not home.


Steve, you don't get it. The problem has never been OM! You seriously think if OM wasn't in the picture she would be ready to do the necessary work to reconcile? No, the real problem is your WW's mindset. Her heart is cold and rebellious. Her words could be taken out of the WW's manual. She's like a teenager. She wants the benefits of both worlds (single and married), without responsibility. She wants to be free to do whatever she desires, and give no account to anyone.

Quote
Enough people have told me I am good man that they all can see loves her and sheís a moron.


I've watched your posts and see how often you write about other people taking your side or think you are a good guy. You talk with her sister, and seem to feel better when she gets mad at WW and tells her off. You've talked about how much your in-laws love you, and how other people like you and see you as a good man. What is this all about? Even the OM bows out b/c you're such an incredible man........and he begs for your forgiveness? shocked


I'll tell you why I think board members get so concerned when a newcomer suddenly goes silent during a crucial point in the sitch. Timing is critical, and usually the newcomer doesn't want to hear our advice about something recently happening. In other words, he just wants to go with his heart and use the same behavior as in previous times. I remember working with more than one LBH who had horrendous WW's, and at the most critical point of the sitch, they suddenly dropped out of sight. So, I'm really glad you've given an update. Don't stop posting just b/c of divorce.

Quote
I may lose my wife but at least I wonít have to hate myself for being a little B and letting her dictate the rules of our M when she walked out of it.


IMHO, this statement links with what I previously said about your lack of self esteem.

Quote
Iím scared, Iím hurt but I wonít lie to my W.


Instead of making it sound as if your honesty is attached to your W (like she's so special)........it should be based on your integrity. Make sense? You are a honest man b/c of you.....and it has nothing to do with her.

Quote
So I will finish the D this week and it hurts but I feel I am doing the right thing.


This is what separates the boys from the men.

(((hugs)))


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Re: Steve_Treading Water [Re: Steve_] #2913044
01/20/21 09:11 AM
01/20/21 09:11 AM
Joined: Jan 2019
Posts: 283
M
MrBrside Offline
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MrBrside  Offline
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Joined: Jan 2019
Posts: 283
Originally Posted by Steve_
So I will finish the D this week and it hurts but I feel I am doing the right thing.


Steve,

Doing the right thing is a lot more than filing for Divorce.

Thats like an addict going to addicts annonymous.... Wooo.. You came to AA ... Doesnt mean you are no longer an addict.

In your case, you continue to ignore advice and follow your own path...

You suffer, your kids suffer and you still don't get it.

I wonder if you ever will - as thats your issue - WILL - You have zero will power to break this addiction.

I feel sooooo sorry for your children.

You cant control how bad their mother is.. You could offer then a rock for the time they are with you.. That doesnt seem to be the case, which is very sad.


Previous username - Helpme123.. A name chosen at a desperate time..

Now Mr Brightside.. coming out of my cage, and doing just fine.
Re: Steve_Treading Water [Re: Steve_] #2913046
01/20/21 09:53 AM
01/20/21 09:53 AM
Joined: Jan 2020
Posts: 506
M
Mumin Offline
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Mumin  Offline
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M
Joined: Jan 2020
Posts: 506
File for D.
NC for her (meaning never ever in you life talk to her again), email about kids only.
IC for you. Preferably once a week for at least 2-3 years.

Thats it.
Probably wont comment on your thread more.


Me: 34
Stbxw: 30
D:5 D:3
Mini bd: May/June 2019
Married: Aug 2019
BD: 6th Dec 2019
OM Confirmed: Feb 2020
March 2020: I filed for D
Waiting for D to be finalized and W to move out end of January 2021
Re: Steve_Treading Water [Re: Steve_] #2913047
01/20/21 10:24 AM
01/20/21 10:24 AM
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 5,518
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Ginger1 Offline
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Ginger1  Offline
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Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 5,518
Your poor children. LH says be a rock for your children, but you are being the complete opposite.
Your poor kiddos have no rocks right now . Just 2 parents that are playing some really twisted games and they are the ones who will end up paying the price.

You brought childcareís to a woman who is evil. Makes sense

Re: Steve_Treading Water [Re: Steve_] #2913055
01/20/21 01:16 PM
01/20/21 01:16 PM
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 8,417
S
SteveLW Online
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SteveLW  Online
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Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 8,417
Steve, good luck. I hope for nothing but the best for you in the future.


M(51), W(52),D(17)
M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Re: Steve_Treading Water [Re: Steve_] #2913060
01/20/21 02:42 PM
01/20/21 02:42 PM
Joined: Nov 2013
Posts: 2,687
Colorado
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Thornton Offline
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Thornton  Offline
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Joined: Nov 2013
Posts: 2,687
Colorado
Hey Steve - what's the definition of insanity?

Re: Steve_Treading Water [Re: Steve_] #2913062
01/20/21 03:08 PM
01/20/21 03:08 PM
Joined: Mar 2020
Posts: 351
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JosephS Offline
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JosephS  Offline
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Posts: 351
This was sad to read but not at all surprising. She told you she didnít want a relationship. I donít know why her acting as if sheís not in a relationship was so surprising.

You can not control her no matter how much you attempt too by being nice, or giving ultimatums or running to her family every time she upsets you. (Btw, you really need to stop running to her family for more than one reason) She is her own person with her own ability to make decisions. Right now she is making decisions that show she has very little self respect but even less for you as a partner.

This reads (and I hope Iím wrong) like everything youíve done has been for yourself and nothing is or has been about the kids. You need to start focusing on your children and stop worrying about your W and what sheís doing.

Thereís no possible way you being in love with her hit you like a ton of bricks. Youíve made that crystal clear in every single post. You need to start being honest with yourself so you can face reality and really make some good progress in the future with yourself, kids and therapy.

Just as FYI being friends with your ex doesnít hurt your kids. It hurts you and only you. I personally know couples that are divorced and still good friends and co-parent very well and their kids are happy, adjusted, and most importantly loved. Your children are not a tool to attempt to control her. You also have claimed in previous post you wonder if your W was neglecting your children and you were going to start documenting things and potentially restricting access. It really feels like you only did this to attempt to control your W looking back. I am really curious what was the point of that. Was it to document things in an attempt to tell your W if you stay with the OM youíll keep the kids away from her? Because if she was this neglectful mother worth documenting why are you so adamant you two get back together and live together and be together. Why can you not put your children ahead of yourself? Why can you not be their rock?

Good luck Steve. You are at a major crossroads in your life. You donít seem to have any respect for yourself so Iím not sure how you can expect anyone else too either. You are teaching your children that both you and your W behavior is acceptable.


Me: 37
W: 34
Together 17 years
Married 16 years
5 kids, 17,16,13,12,8
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