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If Steve sounds jaded, my own partner gave me the "Oh, insurance, scheduling.. it'll take a week, no two, no four." When I got serious (MC in our case), she got serious, and now they happen within 1-3 days. I set-up same-day appointments when my ex-wife was suicidal. That did take almost an hour of calls.

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She said she is afraid that I wont be able to let it go and if she does anything wrong ill explode on her and bring up OM and so on etc, she just needs time to see if we can do this before she agrees to move forward together" that is what she said.


I've heard this same speech so many times, and it is nothing more than securing you as a backup plan. WW's have a knack for twisting things around and talk as if it's up to the H to do this & that before she agrees to go back to him. It's verse two of the old song, "It's all my husband's fault". Look, you are the betrayed, so it should be obvious who calls the shots for reconciliation.

Although I've not met her in person, I can tell she is not remorseful yet. Women can turn on tears and have the sad face when it works for them. If nothing else, what she said in the quote above is showing a woman who is not humble nor remorseful. Plus, she talks out of both sides of her mouth.

This is a critical time, Steve. This is when you really need to pump up GAL (without her involved in it). She wants you available for her (and of course, she makes sure to throw in the kids, b/c she uses them to her benefit). She doesn't want to set you free, yet she wants to be free. So all that malarkey about no interest in dating, means nothing! I'd dare say she is already looking around for the next guy. How nice for her, living with her parents, having you show up everyday to hangout, and being free to see other men. She even has built in babysitters.

She hooks you by waving the reconciliation cue card without mentioning that she's willing to do specific & necessary work..... or asking YOU what she would have to do to save the M. Look at it again. She's worried about which person? Herself! She doesn't want to feel uncomfortable. So, yeah, she had rather just pick back up without actually following any type of piecing plan. And you? Do you know what needs to be put in place, in order to heal and work on the MR together? Have you read any posts that talk about a plan or stipulations? If you just let her waltz back through the door without having her agreement to full transparency and no contact of any type with OM, and her agreement to professional marriage therapy.........then you're set for another repeat of the same old cr@p. I'm pretty sure I've posted to you on this very subject.

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I dont expect anything to really just magically get better. If we have not made any progress, if her actions dont match her words on our 10th anniversary coming up feb 19th im going to ask to push the divorce forward. I have not told her this but if she cannot start to work on the right path and show me something real in the next month and some change I got no reason to be married to her.


I suggest you don't tell her. If you want to set a date for yourself, there's no need to tell her she has to show you she's working to change. Here's the reason why. She can pretend to show you enough breadcrumbs, you'll convince yourself she is trying to change. Since you aren't detached as much you need to be, you're still hanging on to any grain of hope. It's easy to see what you want to believe. One reason for detaching is to help you stay objective and have 20/20 vision in what's really going on.

This critical time is where so many LBH's fail, b/c they let the WW come back too easily. Please post as often as you can. When we don't hear from you for several days, it worries me! ((hugs))


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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I warned you about this just over a week ago...

"She's not done with you yet, Steve. WW's are savage creatures. In the next few weeks, she's gonna pull out the big guns and you need to be prepared. She's gonna cry, tell you how much she loves you, and how bad she screwed up. Maybe about how OM is a monster and abusive. And you're gonna go right back to old behaviors to try to be the hero and save her. Trust me. I've been there. You need to have it cemented in your head that this is all part of the script and she doesn't mean any of it. I'm afraid if you're not prepared, she's gonna melt you like a popsicle on a hot day and you're right back where you started."

I know you have yourself convinced that you did the right thing, but helping her move was not what you needed to do. Her mess. Her problem. You could've just watched the kids that day or something, but you did not need to physically help her move. You just tattooed PLAN B on your forehead.

I also saw this quote you made in your last post of your previous thread in regard to something sge said while you were moving her crap. "Im a Nurse, I like to fix broken things and heal people, im not an archaeologist I dont want to dig up the past". Not gonna lie. I kind of got sick to my stomach when I read that. To me, that translates to, "It's OK, baby. I'm here to make everything better now. Everything you did and all those guys you screwed in the past doesn't matter" It made you look WEAK...

I'm sorry if I sound like I'm being mean, but you seem like a good guy and I wish you could see what everyone else does. This woman is no good. You made it through the hard part. I'd hate to see y0ou get sucked back in and have to go through it all again. Because you will if you give her another chance...


Me: 38
W:31
Kids: S16(mine from previous R), D10, S9, S4
M: 10 years
T:12 years
BD:Jan 3, 2018
W moved out: Apr 13,2018
Filed for D: Jun 2018
D final: Sep 2019

"Surrender to the Flow"...
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She has zero consequences, you have no boundaries and she gets to call the shots.

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DUDE YOU NEED BOUNDARIES AND YOU NEED TO ENFORCE THEM.

You like her attention. You are hoping that she will come back to you in some kind of miraculous way where she is suddenly "fixed".

That is a fantasy.

You have to be realistic, man. I know how bad it scks but you can't keep letting her string you along like this. If you don't stop, you are setting yourself up.

My XW said all kinds of stuff like that. A couple years after our D, XW and I went to dinner and she told me that she feels like she just needs to "work on herself" because if she "can't be good on her own she can't be good with another person in her life". I agreed. Couple days later she was banging some dude she met at a bar. Lol. She says things like this to me a lot, and then does the opposite. It's fine with me, I'm completely detached now but she is still out there doing girls gone wild. Her son tells me all about it, and it hurts him pretty badly.

You have got to break these puppet strings she has tied to you.


Save yourself. Nobody is coming!
BD:11/2017
Filed:12/2017
Final: 2/2018
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MTB I get it, and Joe im not saying your wrong either.

I said that comment about digging up the past because I was there to move furniature and get my kids out of that apt with OM and his kids not talk about the R. I have made it clear to her that what she did devastated me. She has said "I f'd up your life" she is aware of how painful what she did was to me, the kids and after her FIL ripped her a new one when she returned, to the rest of us. I wasnt there to cry a river about my pain or to recon, I was trying to get my kids to a stable environment. I can see how in the different context it can seem different.

Each time her and I have had issues I do 100% effort to reconcile I begged, pleaded, jumped over my own head.
This time I do not call, I do not text, I do not make plans. I do nothing but my own thing. (I will be reading over your stuff Sandi, I will be taking this very very slowly and carefully).

She makes all the calls, texts, asks me to come over, talks about the future, tries to talk about the R, I do not. I will not. And still I do not trust her or believe anything she says. She is confused and Im a framiliar man she can trust im sure thats all it is for now. Time will tell but I do not hold out hope she will truly change. But we will see, some people do when enough of thier life is messed up, when they hurt enough people. But still, I dont hold out much hope for her at this point. I never want to be thrown away like I was again, never want to feel what i went through again, I will be EXTREMELY careful with myself. I have my own life now, I do not need her, the fact she gets any of my time is a blessing that she does not deserve, And that's how I see it right now.

Last edited by Steve_; 01/15/21 08:34 PM.

T:11
M:10
K: D5, S7
BD: 9/1/20
WW continues to break up and recon with OM.
I paid last fees and pushed the D 5/3/2021
Default Dissolution granted 8/5/21.
Glad my D was not busted.
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Originally Posted by Steve_
the fact she gets any of my time is a blessing that she does not deserve, And that's how I see it right now.

Hey man if you want to continue blessing her like you have been, then you can't be upset at anyone but yourself when she crushes your heart again.


Save yourself. Nobody is coming!
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Steve_, where I see you struggle is when you WANT to do something you shouldn't, like helping her move. You were able to talk yourself into it to "help get your kids out of OM's house". What you fail to see is that these are little tests for your WW. To see how much she wanted out of OM's house. To see how much she really might be interested in a future with you. More than likely your discussion with her leading up to her moving went something like this:

Her: "I want to move out, it is over with me and OM. I want to know if there is a future for you and me."
You: "Are you really going to move out?"
Her: "Yes, but I have no where to go but to my parents."
You: -deep down excited, not for the kids but for yourself- "When are you moving?"
Her: "I'd like to this Sunday, but I don't have any help." or "I'd like to this Sunday if you can help." Depends on how subtle she was trying to be.
You: "Yes, I can help!"

I know there may be variations in how it went, but the point is that she was trying to manipulate you into rescuing her.

Imagine if:

Her: "I want to move out, it is over with me and OM. I want to know if there is a future for you and me."
You: "I can see you feel strongly about it being over with OM"
Her: "Yes, it is over, I want out but I have no where to go but to my parents."
You: "I can completely understand, I was in the same place just a couple of months ago.
Her: "I'd like to move this Sunday, but I don't have any help." or "I'd like to move this Sunday if you can help." Depends on how subtle she was trying to be.
You: "I will be glad to take the kids (if you don't already have them) so that you can take care of your move." or if you already have them "I have made plans for the kids and me for Sunday. Let me know when you are moving so I can make sure my schedule allows me to take the kids that day."

Nope, she snapped her fingers, Steve_ jumped again.

You continue to avoid my question: WHEN IS YOUR NEXT IC SESSION?


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
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I see what you mean Steve, yeah that does look bad now that you put it that way.
my next IC is with the VA hospital now, I just did the orientation and got an appointment for the 19th.
The provider I spoke with once and he had started me on some anti-depressants. Otherwise Ill begin
what the VA calls psycho-therapy on Tuesday.


T:11
M:10
K: D5, S7
BD: 9/1/20
WW continues to break up and recon with OM.
I paid last fees and pushed the D 5/3/2021
Default Dissolution granted 8/5/21.
Glad my D was not busted.
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Rooting for you buddy.

Dive head first into your therapy and commit to it. I know you’re a Psyche Nurse so I’m sure you understand that change takes time, a lot of time.

Tuesday could very well be the beginning a new life for you. Which path will you take? A repeat of your painful and devestating past, and teaching your children dysfunctional relationship skills? Or freedom, growth, stability, and happiness?

You can do this, Steve. I know you can.

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