Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 10 1 2 3 9 10
#2912646 01/14/21 06:24 PM
Joined: Mar 2019
Posts: 511
S
Steve_ Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Mar 2019
Posts: 511
Link to my previous thread.

https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2911026&page=11

So an update:

Helped WW move all the way out of OM with a couple family members and friends. Her FIL ripped her a new one when she moved back into the IL's home. I made sure her and the kids were situated. I still remain in my own apartment. WW wanted to have the "talk" about our future. She asked me if I want to get the divorce, she said something told her not to do it and right now she is not sure if we should get the divorce and start over or just stay M. I told her that it was not important to me either way. She asked for time to figure herself out, she said she doesnt want to be with anyone and wants to be alone for awhile. I encouraged that and told her that it is very important that she does take some time to figure herself out. She told me she doesnt want to divorce me but needs to be alone and not with anyone for awhile. I told her that if she plans on dating, seeing other men, living a single party life sleeping with others than I would prefer to continue the divorce. She told me she has 0% intrest in other men and she apologized for destroying my life, she told me that she realized that no other person will ever love our kids like I do and no other man will ever love her the way I do. She seems remorseful and regretful more than she has been. She also seems respectful and is not attempting to just pick up where we left off.

I know that our M is broken, she is broken, at this time I have become used to the fact that she is lost and nobody can do anything for her but time and reality. She asks that we spend time together as friends and go from there and rebuild our relationship the right way I told her I will not accept strictly platonic friends and If she is not interested on working on the M there is no reason to stay married. She agreed to my terms on not seeing others and working on the M slowly over time. She has asked me to spend time with her and the kids daily since she moved in, I have spent some time with them but I do not stay when she asks me to stay. Sometimes she is affectionate sometimes she is not. But she is always happy to see me. I know that she will need to do some serious internal work but she has agreed to therapy and to just work on herself for now.

I have no expectations of her, I feel like I will be let down. I do not expect her to change and I expect to be D'd a year from now simply because I wont tolerate disrespect anymore or any OM. So we will see.


T:11
M:10
K: D5, S7
BD: 9/1/20
WW continues to break up and recon with OM.
I paid last fees and pushed the D 5/3/2021
Default Dissolution granted 8/5/21.
Glad my D was not busted.
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 9,420
Likes: 53
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 9,420
Likes: 53
Oh boy, Steve_. You really do not want to DB, do you? Helping her move back to IL's? Having this back and forth with her? It bothers me that you feel these were the right things to do.

And I fear you are still putting value in her words because it is what you like to hear.

Originally Posted by Steve_
She told me she has 0% intrest in other men and she apologized for destroying my life, she told me that she realized that no other person will ever love our kids like I do and no other man will ever love her the way I do. She seems remorseful and regretful more than she has been. She also seems respectful and is not attempting to just pick up where we left off.


-insert eye rolling smilie-

Steve_ you shouldn't trust this woman as far as you could pick up a semi-truck and throw it. She is in a bad way right now and she is saying what you want to here to manipulate you. Your answer to whether or not to get a D was weak. Never mind that you should have never had the discussion with her, you should have said "I am moving on with my life." Most of the time "moving on" is the wrong term (move forward is better) but in your case I honestly think you SHOULD move on with your life.

Steve_, I know you continue to make excuses as to why you can't DB. How is therapy going?


M(52), W(53),D(17)
M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Joined: Mar 2020
Posts: 431
Likes: 4
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Mar 2020
Posts: 431
Likes: 4
Hmm...good luck. I mean that. I just don’t think there is much to add. Still all the focus on her. Still doing her favors. She had other family members helping her move. You didn’t need to. You could have spent that time with the kids and not her. She’s still keeping you as a back up plan just in case nothing better comes along and you’re playing into it. She hasn’t changed. She’s just changed tactics. I guarantee she never goes to therapy and if she does. One or two sessions max and will be cured of all that ales her.

I do hope you are still continuing therapy.

I really can’t add much, I’m just....flabbergasted really.

Good luck Steve. Seriously I hope you’re ready because the moment living with mom and dad gets old she’s coming back. I give it 2 weeks because she doesn’t like anyone stepping on her toes or getting in the way of what she wants. And you don’t do either...


Me: 37
W: 34
Together 17 years
Married 16 years
5 kids, 17,16,13,12,8
Joined: Mar 2019
Posts: 511
S
Steve_ Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Mar 2019
Posts: 511
I do catch myself doing that Steve. I really did feel like getting my kids the hell out of there was the right thing to do. As far as my W is concerned i DO NOT trust a single word she says. As far as I know she has me on pause while she shops for next OM. That is pretty much what I expect. I am only reporting what has happened. As far as I am concerned I have seen no actions on her part to indicate change so I am not investing much into this. I do what I feel is the right thing to do but I do not have any real true hope that she can actually change. I am not giving her the benefit of the doubt, just the doubt.

I am focusing on being positive and just being the person I want to be. She can do whatever she wants and it is out of my hands.

Last edited by Steve_; 01/14/21 06:51 PM.

T:11
M:10
K: D5, S7
BD: 9/1/20
WW continues to break up and recon with OM.
I paid last fees and pushed the D 5/3/2021
Default Dissolution granted 8/5/21.
Glad my D was not busted.
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 4,414
Likes: 53
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 4,414
Likes: 53
Hi Steve85,

Originally Posted by Steve_
It bothers me that you feel these were the right things to do.

I suspect he knows they were not, hence not stopping by to ask for advice, as he repeated past choices. Change is hard, Steve has gone to IC a couple times. I hope he continues that work. If so, I believe he’ll get there!



Joined: Nov 2013
Posts: 2,788
Likes: 2
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Nov 2013
Posts: 2,788
Likes: 2
DB 101 - Believe nothing she says.

Originally Posted by Steve_
She asked for time to figure herself out, she said she doesnt want to be with anyone and wants to be alone for awhile.


This is a lie.

Originally Posted by Steve_
She told me she has 0% intrest in other men and she apologized for destroying my life, she told me that she realized that no other person will ever love our kids like I do and no other man will ever love her the way I do.


Lie #2.

Originally Posted by Steve_
She seems remorseful and regretful more than she has been. She also seems respectful and is not attempting to just pick up where we left off.


This is you lying to yourself.


Originally Posted by Steve_
She agreed to my terms on not seeing others and working on the M slowly over time.


Lie #3.


Originally Posted by Steve_
I have no expectations of her, I feel like I will be let down. I do not expect her to change and I expect to be D'd a year from now simply because I wont tolerate disrespect anymore or any OM. So we will see.


This is the one truth in your post.

Joined: Nov 2013
Posts: 2,788
Likes: 2
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Nov 2013
Posts: 2,788
Likes: 2
You know how you can tell when she is lying, Steve? When her lips move and words come out of her mouth.

Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 8,137
Likes: 129
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 8,137
Likes: 129
So Steve as usual that was a tough read.

Originally Posted by Steve_
She asked for time to figure herself out, she said she doesn't want to be with anyone and wants to be alone for awhile.

So this starts out great. That is what she should be doing which includes IC.
Originally Posted by Steve_
I encouraged that and told her that it is very important that she does take some time to figure herself out.
Perfect response from you so you are off to a good start. But.................
Originally Posted by Steve_
She told me she doesn't want to divorce me but needs to be alone and not with anyone for awhile. I told her that if she plans on dating, seeing other men, living a single party life sleeping with others than I would prefer to continue the divorce. She told me she has 0% interest in other men and she apologized for destroying my life,

So this sounds like a boundary. What are the consequences when she breaks the boundary?
Originally Posted by Steve_
She told me that she realized that no other person will ever love our kids like I do

WTF? Took her that long to realize that no man would love your kids more then you????
Originally Posted by Steve_
She seems remorseful and regretful more than she has been.

What does that look like?
Originally Posted by Steve_
She also seems respectful and is not attempting to just pick up where we left off.

How is she being respectful? Being true to her word and taking it slow?
Originally Posted by Steve_
I know that our M is broken, she is broken, at this time I have become used to the fact that she is lost and nobody can do anything for her but time and reality.

Sooooooo time and space?????????????
Originally Posted by Steve_
She asks that we spend time together as friends and go from there and rebuild our relationship the right way I told her I will not accept strictly platonic friends and If she is not interested on working on the M there is no reason to stay married.

I thought she needed time alone to figure herself out????????????
Originally Posted by Steve_
She agreed to my terms on not seeing others and working on the M slowly over time.

Wow. That was awful nice of her. But again, sounds like a boundary, What happens when she breaks it?
Originally Posted by Steve_
She has asked me to spend time with her and the kids daily since she moved in, I have spent some time with them but I do not stay when she asks me to stay.

Oh spend time together daily. What happened to slow and figuring herself out?
Originally Posted by Steve_
I know that she will need to do some serious internal work but she has agreed to therapy and to just work on herself for now.

But your affectionate and seeing each other daily. When is her first appt?
Originally Posted by Steve_
I have no expectations of her, I feel like I will be let down. I do not expect her to change and I expect to be D'd a year from now simply because I wont tolerate disrespect anymore or any OM. So we will see.

You are a wise man Steve.


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

�Happiness equals reality minus expectations�- Magliozzi
Joined: Mar 2019
Posts: 511
S
Steve_ Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Mar 2019
Posts: 511
If she crosses my boundaries I am going to the lawyer's office and filing the final paper for the D. Point blank and period. She will either learn from this or she wont thats that.

She says she doesnt want to be in a relationship now but asks to rebuild ours slowly so she pretty much says "hang out with me and the kids, lets start over and take it slow, rebuilt the connection and go from there, dont expect to just pick up as if we are married and perfect. She said she is afraid that I wont be able to let it go and if she does anything wrong ill explode on her and bring up OM and so on etc, she just needs time to see if we can do this before she agrees to move forward together" that is what she said. I do understand that she is concerned that I would be seriously pissed off and so on, anyone would. But I am not holding on to anger, Im not holding on to anything here. I dont expect anything to really just magically get better. If we have not made any progress, if her actions dont match her words on our 10th anniversary coming up feb 19th im going to ask to push the divorce forward. I have not told her this but if she cannot start to work on the right path and show me something real in the next month and some change I got no reason to be married to her.


T:11
M:10
K: D5, S7
BD: 9/1/20
WW continues to break up and recon with OM.
I paid last fees and pushed the D 5/3/2021
Default Dissolution granted 8/5/21.
Glad my D was not busted.
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 9,420
Likes: 53
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 9,420
Likes: 53
Originally Posted by Thornton

Originally Posted by Steve_
She seems remorseful and regretful more than she has been. She also seems respectful and is not attempting to just pick up where we left off.


This is you lying to yourself.



This was the most troubling thing in his post. He says he believes nothing she says......but the falls for this manipulation. She hates living at her parents. She would move in with Steve_ in a heartbeat.....and be on the look out for OM #8......


M(52), W(53),D(17)
M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Page 1 of 10 1 2 3 9 10

Moderated by  Cadet, job, Virginia 

Link Copied to Clipboard