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A Message from Michele
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Re: I hope it’s not too late.... (part 2) [Re: HopefulH] #2912744
01/15/21 07:32 PM
01/15/21 07:32 PM
Joined: Jan 2020
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Mumin Offline
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Mumin  Offline
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Good you are looking into it!
When I thought about it I actually listened to that one as an audiobook.
You can do that in a few days if you commit.

Last edited by Mumin; 01/15/21 07:33 PM.

Me: 34
Stbxw: 30
D:5 D:3
Mini bd: May/June 2019
Married: Aug 2019
BD: 6th Dec 2019
OM Confirmed: Feb 2020
March 2020: I filed for D
Waiting for D to be finalized and W to move out end of January 2021
Re: I hope it’s not too late.... (part 2) [Re: HopefulH] #2912791
01/16/21 04:25 AM
01/16/21 04:25 AM
Joined: Dec 2020
Posts: 57
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HopefulH Offline OP
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HopefulH  Offline OP
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Hello everyone..so I had today off work. Spent some time working in some stuff around the house. Wife left early afternoon, I know where she went. To OM house. Spent all day there. Just texted me saying “she wasn’t going to make it home tonight” “she will come get her work clothes tormorrow”. I haven’t replied and don’t plan on replying. Although she will probably blow my phone up and be all pissed off about it.. I am so close to just ending it and talking with her about it next time I do see her and just try to make it an easy and pain free process if possible. Or once I get situated going after the Adultry part. What pisses me off is how it is going to affect our kids or what she will tell them when I am at work to make me look bad. Or if she takes them and moves out (even though lawyer told me that would be stupidest thing she could do).

She’s only been with this guy a week maybe 2 if you count talking to him on the dating app she is on. I think she is basically a lost cause now, if she can go on one date and have sex with this guy the first time and has been like she has this week, I don’t think I could ever take her back.

Accidentally seen on her iPad while in room getting something that the OM bought her a archery bow. Funny that it’s the one I recommended she get a month or so ago when we were “better it seemed” . I couldn’t get in the iPad because it’s locked but when the ding went off I couldn’t help but look as it popped up in the screen. Also seen a message from her friend saying “yeah it’s a sucky realization” which to me means she either told her she is in love with this guy or that she wants to end the marriage.

I wish I wouldn’t have looked when the ding went off but it was a natural reaction I guess. Ok so enough about the evil W

Spent the day with kiddos and now I got to figure out what to do this weekend as I probably won’t see the W at all anyways. Tormorrow supposed to take them out to a city near us to have some fun. Now I feel like garbage but I have to make sure I am there for them because W sure as hell isn’t. Talked to a old friend that is about to go through a separation and divorce with his wife, was nice just talking for a bit about how we feel. Seems like a lot of guys I know are having same issue, maybe the COVID garbage didn’t help with a lot of things.

I think my biggest fears are Not being with my kids, starting over and the whole process of Separation and Divorce. I know I’ll be ok one way of another. At least during a separation I can work towards getting Adultery on her.
Idk anymore. One day at a time. Use this weekend to love my kids and spend time with them so in case something does happen.

Hard to set boundaries when she isn’t here but I know I have to work on some for when she is or if she comes back.

I’ll talk to you all more tomorrow.

Re: I hope it’s not too late.... (part 2) [Re: Adam04] #2912792
01/16/21 04:27 AM
01/16/21 04:27 AM
Joined: Dec 2020
Posts: 57
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HopefulH Offline OP
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HopefulH  Offline OP
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Originally Posted by Adam04
Originally Posted by Steve_
Im with Sandi, hate to say it but I see lots of vets on here that play hardball right off the bat, is it the right thing to do? probably, is it hard? definately, but ultimately you know your W and where you are at internally. Dont file for a D as punishment or some ulitmatium to make her see things. It wont work, and the WW/WAW can say "oh he gave up and filed, im a victim now" if you want to recon dont file until you dont want to recon.

Thats just my humble opinon. But drop the rope and follow Sandi's rules for sure. Easier said than done but as the Mandalorian would say "This is the way".


I agree with what Steve said.

It's a long, hard journey. As you get your ducks in a row, distance yourself more and more from her as you get back in touch with you. Find that self worth, self respect, & dignity... at some point you'll realize you are far better than how she is treating you and you'll figure it out.






I wish it wasn’t this hard. Either way I have to worry about financial implications for all this and his to get it done properly. Luckily I have time, maybe she will end up coming back to me but then I will have to decide if I want to chance taking her back. I’m so angry right now I just don’t see a future together.

Re: I hope it’s not too late.... (part 2) [Re: HopefulH] #2912795
01/16/21 05:38 AM
01/16/21 05:38 AM
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 2,250
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CWarrior Offline
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Originally Posted by HopefulH
Just texted me saying “she wasn’t going to make it home tonight” “she will come get her work clothes tormorrow”. I haven’t replied and don’t plan on replying.

Good job! "No Contact" means she takes up less of your head space AND gets a chance to miss you.

Originally Posted by HopefulH
I am so close to just ending it and talking with her about it

Truly ending it involves action--getting your own place, filing for divorce, etc.--talky talky isn't needed.

Originally Posted by HopefulH
next time I do see her and just try to make it an easy and pain free process if possible.

An attorney makes it simple. Talking to your STBXW about it does not.

Originally Posted by HopefulH
what she will tell them when I am at work to make me look bad.

Alas, you don't control what she tells them during her 50% custody--she is free to say bad things about you. There was a phase when my ex did just that. You can counter with the truth during your 50% custody. And, of course, your kids see who you are and how you treat people whenever they're with you.

Originally Posted by HopefulH
Now I feel like garbage but I have to make sure I am there for them because W sure as hell isn’t.

Props. I mean that. Focusing on your kids is huge.

Originally Posted by HopefulH
Talked to a old friend that is about to go through a separation and divorce with his wife

Props again! Great GAL work.

I'm sorry you saw those things you can't unsee. I agree it would be hard not to look when they pop right up. Keep up the good work and keep writing. You will get through this and find yourself stronger.


May'19 - Separation... Dec'19 - Breakup #1... Oct'20 - Breakup #2.... Jan'21 - Breakup #3
"We are never, ever, ever getting back together." -- T.Swift
Re: I hope it’s not too late.... (part 2) [Re: HopefulH] #2913005
01/19/21 05:53 PM
01/19/21 05:53 PM
Joined: Jun 2007
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sandi2 Offline
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Quote
Hard to set boundaries when she isn’t here but I know I have to work on some for when she is or if she comes back.


Your boundaries are about protecting your self respect.

She doesn't have to be there with you in order to dishonor you. Isn't she dishonoring you by bringing a third party into the M?

Let me give a popular example. Let's say one of your boundaries is not to tolerate an open marriage. You can't control her having sex with OM. Who do you control? YOU! Therefore, if your boundary is being dishonored, it's up to you to do some action that will demonstrate self respect. How do you enforce the boundary, if she won't honor it? You take the next step to remove yourself from the marriage relationship that's been violated. You stop serving benefits she gets from being married to you. You stop being her friend. See what I mean? You don't do this action with the hopes it will jar her senses, but you do this to preserve your own self respect.

If you will give an example of the boundary you can't set when she's not there........maybe we can help. I'm guessing it's some type of interaction?


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Re: I hope it’s not too late.... (part 2) [Re: sandi2] #2913523
01/26/21 12:11 PM
01/26/21 12:11 PM
Joined: Jun 2007
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sandi2 Offline
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Hey Hopeful, what's going on?


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Re: I hope it’s not too late.... (part 2) [Re: HopefulH] #2913524
01/26/21 12:29 PM
01/26/21 12:29 PM
Joined: Jan 2019
Posts: 283
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MrBrside Offline
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Originally Posted by HopefulH


I think my biggest fears are Not being with my kids, starting over and the whole process of Separation and Divorce. I know I’ll be ok one way of another. At least during a separation I can work towards getting Adultery on her.
Idk anymore. One day at a time. Use this weekend to love my kids and spend time with them so in case something does happen.



I think deep down this is the biggest fear of most LBS... that and losing the confort of the family enviroment they have built up over the years.

I realised in my sitch, that it was this fear that kept the begging and pleading.. and actually looking at everything through rose tinted glasses.

I can honestly say, my WW having an affair was the best thing to happen to me.. It brought me closer to my children and we get to do the things "we" want to do.. there are no more debates about going on holiday, or the WW complaining she doesnt like flying etc - We do day trips every weekend they are with me ( well when not in lockdown ) - they are happy and they love being with me.
WW are selfish, and your children will suffer. Your focus should be you and the children - forget the WW.. You and KIDS KIDS KIDS ! That should be your focus / purpose !

Trust me, in 2 years time you will look back and think WTF was i thinking in Jan 2021...


Previous username - Helpme123.. A name chosen at a desperate time..

Now Mr Brightside.. coming out of my cage, and doing just fine.
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