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A Message from Michele
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The light approaches... slowly #2912450
01/12/21 07:43 AM
01/12/21 07:43 AM
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 1,537
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unchien Offline OP
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unchien  Offline OP
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U
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 1,537

Re: The light approaches... slowly [Re: unchien] #2912462
01/12/21 03:14 PM
01/12/21 03:14 PM
Joined: Mar 2018
Posts: 446
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97Hope Offline
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97Hope  Offline
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Posts: 446
Hi U!

Ugh. I'm in the last gasps of my D proceedings as well and my X is re-writing history.
Unlike you, I never hear directly from him.

Stay strong!! Thanks for sharing. It is encouraging to see how far you have come!!

x

Re: The light approaches... slowly [Re: unchien] #2912479
01/12/21 06:17 PM
01/12/21 06:17 PM
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 1,537
U
unchien Offline OP
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unchien  Offline OP
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Joined: May 2019
Posts: 1,537
Hey 97 - Sorry to hear that. I would be able to ignore the history re-writing if our kids were not involved.

Re: The light approaches... slowly [Re: unchien] #2914784
02/10/21 05:03 PM
02/10/21 05:03 PM
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 1,537
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unchien Offline OP
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unchien  Offline OP
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Joined: May 2019
Posts: 1,537
It's been about a month since I posted here.

My D proceedings are spinning into a death spiral with respect to finances. I don't want to get into the particulars as usual for privacy and legal concerns. I'm spending a lot of time trying to figure out how to hit the eject button and parachute out. Unfortunately I live in a state that is very bad for the primary wage earner in these situations. It's going to be really tough for a long time. I'd like to settle but my STBXW has not been open to negotiating.

It's almost been 2 years now, but I recall finding this site and vets like LH19 advising me not to move out of my home. I still contest it was the right move -- but only because of how my custody situation played out. I have my kids equal time now and I do not regret any steps I took along the way to achieve that goal, no matter the financial cost or emotional toll it took on me. I love spending time with my kids and I know these years when they are young are precious.

Financially leaving the house has only further entangled matters. An absolute disaster.

The glimpses I now see of my STBXW -- through court filings, or things my kids will say to me off-hand, or through the rare times we communicate on the court-monitored application -- still stun me a bit. I accept that there is a lot of resentment and emotional reasoning driving her. But I am a little shocked it has devolved to this level. She is incredibly manipulative - for instance, contacting teachers and doctors through back-channels to perpetuate her false narrative. I could post things for days here about what has been happening.

I feel like I've lost some faith in humanity along the way. I trust people a little bit less now. Even good people who I have no reason to distrust. I know there are evil, terrible people in the world. But this was a woman who at one point I decided to spend my life with, have kids with, build something together. You always hear about these high-conflict D's and think both people are crazy and have explosive personalities, that they must "feed off the conflict" or have personality disorders or some other thing wrong with them. "No way this could happen to me, even in the worst-case scenario."

It happens. It's hard to come to terms with that.

Re: The light approaches... slowly [Re: unchien] #2914799
02/10/21 07:00 PM
02/10/21 07:00 PM
Joined: Oct 2020
Posts: 149
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NickWing Offline
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NickWing  Offline
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Originally Posted by unchien


But this was a woman who at one point I decided to spend my life with, have kids with, build something together. You always hear about these high-conflict D's and think both people are crazy and have explosive personalities, that they must "feed off the conflict" or have personality disorders or some other thing wrong with them. "No way this could happen to me, even in the worst-case scenario."

It happens. It's hard to come to terms with that.


Brother, you said it. I was with my STBXW for 4 years before we married, and I wasnt young, I was 34. So I plenty of experience and plenty of time to judge who I was getting. She was my soul mate.

Now mine can't wait to get me out of the house so she can bring OM in. No morals at all.


Me 57/W 53, M 23, T 27

D21/D17

BDay 6/29/20, ILYBINILWY

IHS 10/5/2020
Re: The light approaches... slowly [Re: unchien] #2914811
02/10/21 08:15 PM
02/10/21 08:15 PM
Joined: Sep 2019
Posts: 1,318
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may22 Offline
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Joined: Sep 2019
Posts: 1,318
So sorry to hear that this keeps stretching out, but really happy to hear that you've now got 50/50 time with your kids. That is the most important thing, by far.

I have a very good friend who went through a difficult divorce and she has said the same thing to me, that she felt she had lost some faith in humanity and the ability to trust. I think that is totally understandable even as it feels heartbreaking... but I also don't know that you need to accept that as truth, forever. That is your truth today. In five years maybe you'll feel differently again. My friend has gained back a lot of what she had lost in terms of her ability to trust, and is in a relationship with a wonderful man. So don't write off the future. You've grown enormously through this entire situation and I am willing to bet your growth will continue. You are a very compassionate person. Don't forget to extend some of that towards yourself.


Me (45) H (41)
M:13 T:17, D8 & D11
4/19 BD #1 ILYB
8/19 BD #2 Long-distance EA
12/19 BD #3 Actually 2 year PA
2-5/20 R attempt #1
6/20 limbo again, back in contact with AP
9/20-present R attempt #2
Re: The light approaches... slowly [Re: unchien] #2917645
04/10/21 06:15 PM
04/10/21 06:15 PM
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 1,537
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unchien Offline OP
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unchien  Offline OP
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Joined: May 2019
Posts: 1,537
Wow, 2 months has flown by. I have equal time with my kids, and with remote school and work and dealing with my second job (legal work) I am super busy. It's a circus at my house sometimes.

My D is still creeping along. There is movement recently away from litigation and towards a settlement on remaining financial matters which would be incredible. I don't want to jinx it. Some of the recent legal developments have probably pushed things in this direction.

I still lurk from time to time in Newcomers but I'm finding I don't have much to add. I wish everyone the best, but at the same time, I am grateful to be out of my MR. I'm likely to say "Don't put up with lousy treatment" but many of you likely have some chance of R, whereas I think my chances were nil. I can probably give a lot of great legal advice for people but that's not really the purpose of the forum here.

I'm in a new relationship now. In my previous relationships I tethered my emotions to the other person. If she's happy, I'm happy, that sort of thing. Probably due to a combination of NGS and CEN. I don't think about it that much anymore. What an awful way to live. It certainly contributed to my MR falling apart, but there's a lot of other more prominent reasons that things devolved. Other people's emotions and reactions don't impact me the way they used to anymore. I'm not bothered and stressed when someone's upset. If I feel they have been wronged, I apologize. If I don't, I validate. Self-differentiation is an amazing thing.

My GF is D'ed and has kids of her own and we both have busy lives. We enjoy time together and we give each other space for self-care and there's a heavy dose of reality. We both like being active outdoors and she is incredibly easy-going. It's just... really nice. If I feel like doing something, I say "Let's go do XYZ!" instead of "Hey, is it, um, okay, if sometime, maybe, we spend a little time doing XYZ?" I haven't told my kids and don't expect to for quite some time.

Most of what I've learned here I now apply to parenthood and work and friends and this new relationship. I'm always learning and I love that part of my life.

At some point I may jump over to the "Surviving" forum and post. In the meantime, I doubt I'll be updating my own sitch here. Things are great. Not perfect, just great. Things could have turned out much much differently. I could have much less time with my kids. DB helped me immensely in not reacting to the bait and handling my own sh*t.

Re: The light approaches... slowly [Re: unchien] #2917648
04/10/21 07:54 PM
04/10/21 07:54 PM
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 6,403
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LH19 Offline
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LH19  Offline
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Posts: 6,403
Another DB success story! You were a broken man when you came to this board U. Now look at you. A man who is in complete charge of his life.

To me that’s what this site is about. Becoming the person you want to and meant to be on this planet.

Good for you U.


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

“Don't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.”- Will Smith
Re: The light approaches... slowly [Re: unchien] #2917651
04/10/21 11:44 PM
04/10/21 11:44 PM
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 8,632
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SteveLW Online
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SteveLW  Online
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U, love it! I can vouch for the emotional detachment in a R being so much nicer. It isn't that I don't care about her happiness, I do. But mine isn't tied to hers. It means I'm a much better, whole man for her too.

Great update sir! We always tell LBSs that they have this.... You're proof that if they do the work then that is true!!

Last edited by SteveLW; 04/10/21 11:46 PM.

M(51), W(52),D(17)
M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Re: The light approaches... slowly [Re: unchien] #2917934
04/18/21 08:35 PM
04/18/21 08:35 PM
Joined: Apr 2019
Posts: 719
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IronWill Offline
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IronWill  Offline
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Hi U

Glad to hear the update. Our situations have diverged very much from the beginning, but I am happy to hear that you are in a better place.

Stay strong my friend smile

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