How am I going to do this? Should I do this? (2)

[Yail]

Based on that phone call sounds like she is looking to act totally normal and be friendly while we are doing our in-house separation.

Mar, there is an upside to this. I had an "amicable" D with my XW. By that I mean we acted brief, to the point, but normal-ish around each other in our VERY LIMITED interactions. No affection but also no fighting.

You do not need to bend over backwards to be pleasant or nice. I recommend not bending over backwards for anything. However the upside to this approach your W seems to be taking is that if you both play this game you will have fewer scars.

More conversations mean you learn more. See what you learned in this one? It's awful, and I'm so very sorry. But if you simply stop talking you can just part ways without these new pieces of information. Less to haunt you later, less to process and you can spend your energy trying to heal on your own. Fewer chances for her to blow up (and she might blow up if pushed) and say awful, regretful things.

No situation is perfect. But if you decide (and it is your decision) to move-on from your W who is adamant about D and having an OW then this way of being non-confrontational is in my opinion the easiest. It also keeps you from getting in an argument and you saying things you might regret.

I'm not going to lie - my XW was generous in our D. I think part of it was guilt, and honestly I'm not going to get in the way of that. She totally broke my heart and destroyed our life together. BUT I don't think anything I could have said or done once things were in motion would have stopped her. Me quietly accepting it and leaving her alone I think made her feel kindly toward me in a way.

It still hurts like hell, it's still divorce and it's still not what I wanted. But this approach for me was the best path I could have taken. Note that I did not bend to her will in any of this...I just got out of the way.

Something for you to consider, anyway. And this is the reason I still advocate that you spend as little time back in that home as humanly possible for you. Every day is a greater risk for fight, new information or other damage to you. Remove that from your life and I promise you will begin your healing faster and this "active" and soul-punching pain you are in will start to subside a bit. It's still a processes, but you'll be able to catch your breath.

[Mar252]

Hope, CWarrior, Canbird, Yail -

Thank you all for the practical advice!! If I'm being honest with myself, my anxiety levels have definitely been elevated the past couple of days. I have also been incredibly sad. My sadness overrides all other emotions. I still can't believe my marriage is ending like this. We have been totally NC all week since the last call. I have no idea how I am going to react when I walk into my home and see her again. I want to walk in there like Michelle Obama walked into that inauguration yesterday. Like I own the world!! in reality, I know it's going to hit me like a ton of bricks.

Yail, you are totally correct in advising that I get out of there as soon as possible. I still have an internal battle brewing. One day I have myself convinced that this cannot be happening and the other I realize that she stopped loving me years ago. It kills me that I do not want to let this go despite all that she has done to hurt me. I swear I would take her back if she asked. In reality, she doesn't want it and stopped wanting it a long time ago. I need to go home, get all of my affairs in order and get the hell out as soon as possible. I've promised myself that I would find a lawyer ASAP.

For the past 2.5 months, since I left home, I have been GAL'ing as much as possible, working on NC, and trying to detach. Totally afraid that I will revert to crying on a daily basis and overwhelmed with the sadness. DON'T EVER WANT to cry in front of her again.

Please say a few prayers for me, need to stay strong. I arrive tomorrow evening. I already made an appointment with my hairdresser Saturday morning at 11:00 AM and also plan to go get a mani & pedi afterwards. So I will not be in the house most of the day Saturday.

[97Hope]

Hiya ((((Mar)))

I will be lifting you up in prayer. You are doing everything you can do. All of the feelings you are experiencing are normal.

Don't fight them and don't stay there.

You are strong, be strong! (That's my line that keeps me going.)
It's wonderful that you have a plan. Especially some GAL/self-care.

You will make it. You will get though this. You are NOT alone.

[Mar252]

Sitting in the airport reading Sandi’s rules as a reminder when I get home. Except for one call I haven’t heard from my W in 2 weeks. This morning she texts, “Morning, safe travels home, babe”. WTF

I just said thank you and left it at that. I can’t with her pretending that all is good. I really have to adopt a DB frame of mind upon walking in that door.

[97Hope]

If we were on the phone right now I'd be singing to you!! (I'm a terrible singer) - Probably a little CeeLo Green - F you and-a F him too! Just cheering you on reminding you how far you have already come!!!

Excellent reading Sandi's rules. Just stick to them and trust God to give you strength & peace.
Big hugs. Stay strong. Cry in the shower if you need to. ; )

You. Can. Do. This.

Big Hugs, Mar!!!


*it was totally F-ed up that she called you babe. Feel whatever you want to feel about that and let it go.

[97Hope]

Hi Mar! How are you are doing. Thought about you today and prayed.
x

[Mar252]

Hey Hope,

I really wish I could speak to you. Never felt comfortable posting here. Have done so more often since you started responding. Anyway, I am a mess today. W has been extra nice since I arrived. Don’t want to go into all the specifics but today I got definitive proof that she booked that vacation with OW for April. I want a divorce now!!

Sitting at my computer crying, looking for a divorce lawyer that I know I can’t afford. I am so incredibly hurt. On some level I wish I could hate her but in reality I can’t picture my life without her.

[97Hope]

I really wish I could speak to you.

Me, too. Find someone to call - several someones who will just listen and lift you up. I had 3 friends that I cycled through so I wouldn't wear any one person out.

Never felt comfortable posting here. Have done so more often since you started responding.

Keep posting. The more you post, the more people will respond. Don't be afraid to ask questions or talk about where you feel stuck. You are not alone. Also - posting/writing helps you get it out.

Anyway, I am a mess today. W has been extra nice since I arrived. Don’t want to go into all the specifics but today I got definitive proof that she booked that vacation with OW for April. I want a divorce now!!

I don't blame you. You might have several time that you feel angry, sad, want it to work, want to D - it's all just a big mess. You don't have to make any choices right now, do you? Try and slow down and figure out what you MUST decide on. Your heart is broken and your mind spins...not a good time to make a decision about your future. Focus on what must be done, what you have the ability to control, and put the rest in a "box" to deal with later.
GAL activities are essential right now. Even if you don't want to - especially when you don't want to.

Sitting at my computer crying, looking for a divorce lawyer that I know I can’t afford. I am so incredibly hurt. On some level I wish I could hate her but in reality I can’t picture my life without her.

I'm so sorry (((((hugs))))). You just got home, you are processing new and unwanted information. It's all so much. You don't have to picture your life without her - that's fortune telling. Just stay in today and do what you must for your own healing. Walk, read, whatever can bring a little relief.

Keep swimming, sweet girl. You will get through this.

[may22]

Thinking of you, Mar, and hope you're doing okay. Let us know when you have a chance.