How am I going to do this? Should I do this? (2)

[97Hope]

Glad for you Mar!!!! I know it was hard. I was M for 23 years - I understand. I had to think of that time apart as my freedom. I know it might not feel like it yet, but this is your chance to focus on your healing and growth and if you do that - it will not be wasted time.

The beach sounds lovely!!! The sounds of the waves are like balm to my soul.

Every day you will get stronger. Even during the hard days, you are still moving forward even if it doesn't feel like it.

Try to stay on channel 2 (today) and don't worry about channel 3 (future).

Proud of you! x

[Mar252]

Need advice -

My W has told everyone (her family & friends) that I left to come help care for my father (my father is severely ill and requires 24hr care). Since I am returning home next week, I know people will be asking how he is and how am I doing. There are certain people that I will not feel comfortable lying to, i.e, our god daughter, her brother, her BFF. How should I handle this situation? Should I just pretend that I did come to care for my father or should I tell them the truth. That I left because we are separated and more than likely getting divorced.

Of course, they are then going to ask why? Do I tell them that she is cheating with a co-worker?

My W would blow a gasket if I told any of these people that she is having an affair.

[97Hope]

Sandi's Rule #6 "Do not ask for help from family members or friends. Don't discuss private matters with them that would upset your spouse."

Find your support people. An inner circle that you can trust and who will support you 100%.

I would never lie (why you went away) but you could always say "needed time away" - that way they aren't unnecessarily concerned about your dad.

The rest I would just deflect. That's what I did and I'm glad of it.

When I had convos with family or friends of my X - I always pretended that X was listening. That way I wasn't disparaging him or sharing too much.

Just be your wonderful, loving self to family/friends and lean on your own support group. Don't give W any ammo to use against you later.

[Mar252]

Hope,

Thank you. I needed some leveled headed advice.

[97Hope]

Here for you (((mar))))

Keep Sandi's rules somewhere that you can access them easily!! They help a great deal when flooded.

You can do this! You are doing the hard work on yourself.

[Joe2017]

Need advice -

My W has told everyone (her family & friends) that I left to come help care for my father (my father is severely ill and requires 24hr care). Since I am returning home next week, I know people will be asking how he is and how am I doing. There are certain people that I will not feel comfortable lying to, i.e, our god daughter, her brother, her BFF. How should I handle this situation? Should I just pretend that I did come to care for my father or should I tell them the truth. That I left because we are separated and more than likely getting divorced.

Of course, they are then going to ask why? Do I tell them that she is cheating with a co-worker?

My W would blow a gasket if I told any of these people that she is having an affair.

I would just talk about it like I would talk about things to people at church.

Obviously, we probably ain't gonna lie to the good folks at church but the details also ain't none of their business. Your business is yours, your W's business is hers.

If folks ask how W is doing, you just say "Oh she's fine." I mean, usually people don't really want to get too far into that beyond the simple greeting. Store clerk mentality type stuff.

[Mar252]

Just got a call from the W for the first time in over a week. She called to tell me that she would not be able to pick me up from the airport when I arrive on Friday. She asked me to make other arrangements. I just said ok. Gave me an excuse revolving around work. It was all total BS. She and I never discussed the specifics of my flight. She has no idea what time I will be arriving or to which airport. We never agreed that she would be coming to get me in the first place. I believe, she just wanted to make sure I wasn't expecting her to do so.

She then proceeded to have a totaling normal conversation with me about work, asked about my parents & sister, she talked about the house. We were on the phone for almost an hour and it was primarily a one sided conversation. I answered all of her questions, validated and just listened. She was acting as if everything was totally normal between us. I just kept shaking my head and didn't know what to say to her.

She also mentioned she was definitely going away for the weekend in April. This is a trip she had discussed with me a couple of weeks prior to our separation. I expressed Covid concerns and she told me she wasn't worried as she has already tested positive and will be receiving the vaccine this week (she is a health care worker). This is the kicker, she mentioned that the accommodations were only $700. If my memory serves me correctly, when she first talked about going $695 was for a double occupancy and $850 for single. If I am not mistaken, she booked a double occupancy before we were separated which means she is going with OW and planned to do so prior to BD.

This is absolutely effing crazy. Based on that phone call sounds like she is looking to act totally normal and be friendly while we are doing our in-house separation. I am going to have to read Sandi's rules 100 times a day to remind me to act appropriately. She fired me as her wife and I feel she is totally moving on as if the last 22 years didn't exist.

To all the LBS out there, how long before you filed for divorce?

[97Hope]

Just got a call from the W for the first time in over a week. She called to tell me that she would not be able to pick me up from the airport when I arrive on Friday. She asked me to make other arrangements. I just said ok. Gave me an excuse revolving around work. It was all total BS. She and I never discussed the specifics of my flight. She has no idea what time I will be arriving or to which airport. We never agreed that she would be coming to get me in the first place. I believe, she just wanted to make sure I wasn't expecting her to do so.

Good job on just saying "ok". That was awesome. Incredible restraint!!
Also - great job on seeing through the BS early. I did not have this wisdom in early days!

She then proceeded to have a totaling normal conversation with me about work, asked about my parents & sister, she talked about the house. We were on the phone for almost an hour and it was primarily a one sided conversation. I answered all of her questions, validated and just listened. She was acting as if everything was totally normal between us. I just kept shaking my head and didn't know what to say to her.

I hope more vets comment here, so PLEASE take this with a grain of salt. IMO - you don't have to have "normal" conversations. You will have to decide that to do for yourself.

My advice: Keep convos brief and to the point. It doesn't sound like this 1 hour convo was good for you emotionally. Maybe stick to texting - you are so busy GAL and all - and only respond to texts that are questions.

No matter what is going on - you have the right to do what is best for you.

Again - incredible strength on your part just listening and validating. Hoping more vets jump in.

She also mentioned she was definitely going away for the weekend in April. This is a trip she had discussed with me a couple of weeks prior to our separation. I expressed Covid concerns and she told me she wasn't worried as she has already tested positive and will be receiving the vaccine this week (she is a health care worker). This is the kicker, she mentioned that the accommodations were only $700. If my memory serves me correctly, when she first talked about going $695 was for a double occupancy and $850 for single. If I am not mistaken, she booked a double occupancy before we were separated which means she is going with OW and planned to do so prior to BD.

I'm sorry. (((Mar)))) See a L asap and keep track of what is spent with regards to OW. While courts usually don't care a whole lot re adultery - most times when marital funds are used to sponsor an affair - there is recourse for the LBS.

This is absolutely effing crazy. Based on that phone call sounds like she is looking to act totally normal and be friendly while we are doing our in-house separation. I am going to have to read Sandi's rules 100 times a day to remind me to act appropriately. She fired me as her wife and I feel she is totally moving on as if the last 22 years didn't exist.

She is acting as if. Read more stories here if you are able (but don't spend all your time!) you will see that in a lot of cases not only do they act like it never exist - they either treat the LBS like total garbage or (like in my case) continue on like they aren't blowing our families up in the process and everything is butterflies and unicorns.

To all the LBS out there, how long before you filed for divorce?

This needs to be YOUR boundary.

Mine was OW. I refused to stay married or consider R with OW involved.
If that is not your boundary then you file when you are ready. People will say you will know when.
I filed because I read an email where my X intended to file - I beat him to the punch based on my L's advice. He wanted it in our jurisdiction.

No matter what - see if you can get a consult with an attorney. The sooner the better so you are protected. It concerns me that she is spending marital funds for her vacay with OW and seeing nothing wrong with that. But will be to your advantage because it's one less thing that will make you feel crazy. When they lie and cover it up and pretend there is no one else - it's just a different kind of mind*F*

You did great, Mar. Stay strong and keep up with as many GAL activities that you can. Breathe, drink water and exercise.

You will get through this no matter what.

[Traveler]

It was all total BS. She and I never discussed the specifics of my flight. She has no idea what time I will be arriving or to which airport.

Politeness? People often say "I can't make it" when they mean "I don't want to go". I was surprised you expected her to offer a ride, but glad you were already making plans to get home on your own.

I just kept shaking my head and didn't know what to say to her.

"Got to go, bye!" is good, after a couple of minutes. Be busy GAL'ing. Let her miss you.

I expressed Covid concerns and she told me she wasn't worried as she has already tested positive and will be receiving the vaccine this week

Seems reasonable.

This is the kicker, she mentioned that the accommodations were only $700. If my memory serves me correctly, when she first talked about going $695 was for a double occupancy and $850 for single. If I am not mistaken, she booked a double occupancy before we were separated which means she is going with OW and planned to do so prior to BD.

Ouch! If true and she didn't change her boarding preference, that would be a punch to the gut.

Based on that phone call sounds like she is looking to act totally normal and be friendly while we are doing our in-house separation.

This is where you have power--determining and setting your boundaries. Are you okay being BFFs, FWBs, or would you prefer to be just cordial as with a cashier during the in-house separation?

[CanBird]

Hi Mar252, I just got myself familiar with your situation and I've been on this emotional roller coaster too. It's a tough ride. Thank goodness for this forum! It literally saved me, and it sounds like you're getting some good advice to get you through this wild ride.

Sandi's Rules are great. I printed out my favorite ones, and had them handy to read whenever I needed a boost. And when XH was no longer in the home, I had sticky notes all over, would write on my mirror with erasable marker, words of encouragement. *I need to add more words* My latest is SUCCESS. To me it is the greatest revenge. I wouldn't tell D4 that, but would say it's something we work towards; a goal. Setting personal goals.

GAL... I got on this forum pre-Covid, so a lot has changed as far what activities you can do. But the point is to keep yourself busy. No matter what it is. Make a list and get to it girl! FOCUS on YOU. *I had that on my mirror at one time* I may be telling you things you already know, but I can't stress it enough how important it is to FOCUS on YOUrself more and less on what W is doing. It's hard, I know. Of course you are going to learn things about your W and the OW and make note of whatever details you need to, but treat it as business. Document it, close the file and return as needed. Don't dig any deeper. Don't dwell on them; FOCUS ON YOU.

"The past is history, tomorrow is a mystery, and today is a gift which is why we call it the present".

BE PRESENT when you are taking time for yourself. What things make you happy? Think back to your childhood, or times in the past when you had a hobby or did an activity that brought you joy. Or take up something new. I may be telling you something you already know, but when you're on this roller coaster, you need to remind yourself to take care of you. BE PRESENT in the things you do for yourself.

For me in my situation, I was lucky to find this forum before the first BD, and I handled it calmly. I have never exploded at XH. Sure I might vent about him to people I trust, and I might vent on a piece of paper, but I've always taking the high road of love. I LOVED his person so much that I LET GO. *I'm crying as I type this*... I let him go to take whatever journey he needed to do because in the end, I never what to be with someone that doesn't want to be with me. That's not love. Love is letting go. I did, and I stood by while working on myself. In the end, we divorced. Not what I wanted, but I loved this person enough to let them go. I still love this person; care for their wellbeing, I don't hate, I don't like what they did or like the fact that they've literally disappeared, but I LOVE myself more to let all of their stuff go. Sure I have moments that upset me, but I try not to stay there or GAL (Go And Live... that's my version of gal).

WOW I've said a lot... hope some of this helps in someway. OH, when it comes to what to say to people, one thing that I wish I would have done was confided in my friends and family sooner. Although I had support here, at the time I wasn't ready and was standing for change, that in the end never happened. Now, most know the full story, (but I haven't shared that xh had an affair with my dad.. my only living parent). If you don't want to talk about your situation, simply say I'd rather not talk about it. I wouldn't lie either. Nothing wrong with not sharing details. You've had some personal things to take care of. And quickly change the subject. You don't have to tell anyone anything, but it feels good to have someone to confide in.

Okay... that's all for now.. you got me on my first cup of coffee of the day..lol...

Be Well and Hang in there.

Keep On Keeping ON (( ))