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Re: OB Accepting and Moving Forward [Re: OnlyBent] #2914092
02/01/21 08:54 PM
02/01/21 08:54 PM
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Originally Posted by OnlyBent
Definitely agree that I have hit the anger stage. I feel like I hate STBXW. I know that I won't feel like this forever but its how I feel right now.

It's healthy to feel angry. Use that anger to fuel positive changes. As you say, feelings pass with time.

Quote
Like I said I don't think this will last forever, but I do thinks its progress at least, because correct me if I'm wrong, but on the other side of this hate is indifference?

It's hard to say. I felt anger at my ex-GF a few days ago. As it cleared, I resumed thinking she's a flawed human like me doing her best to be a good person and happy. Love returned. I suspect there are people you don't interact with, don't want to interact with, who you care about. I feel more indifference towards my ex-W. I felt anger when she abused my kids, which shifted into indifference when she stopped.


May'19 - separation. | Dec'19, Oct'20, Jan'21 - painful breakups. | Jan'21 - freedom!
"We the ones who play hard, we live hard, we love hard, we light up the dark." -- Kesha

Re: OB Accepting and Moving Forward [Re: CWarrior] #2914131
02/02/21 08:47 AM
02/02/21 08:47 AM
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Quote
It's healthy to feel angry. Use that anger to fuel positive changes. As you say, feelings pass with time.


I agree with this statement. I know we all have different type personalities, but the one thing that always stood out to me about the majority of LBSs was their lack of anger. Especially when the truth would come out about an affair. To me, it just doesn't seem normal to beg the cheater for another chance. But that's just me.

I used an affair as an example, but why doesn't the LBS get angry at how they've been disrespected? Disrespect comes into the picture before a third party.

I've told this before, but I'm going to say it again. I've been here since 2007 and have not seen many WW's join the board. That's understandable, considering they have no interest in saving their M. The handful of WW's who did join the board and were tore up about their sitch, were those who the H kicked out of his life without looking back. And.....he did it the minute he discovered her secret agenda. The entire dynamic would change and she would be the one begging him to give her another chance. Her heart would be broken over the fact it was her fault she lost him.

Humans are funny creatures.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Re: OB Accepting and Moving Forward [Re: OnlyBent] #2914692
02/08/21 11:12 PM
02/08/21 11:12 PM
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OnlyBent Online OP
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I agree with what you’re saying here Sandi and appreciate the input. Looking back I wish I had just dropped her as soon as I found out everything, but the past is the past. Why can’t the LBS just drop the WS? Like LH is fond of saying, rejection breeds obsession and the LBS can’t handle the loss of control of their lives and their future. You live and you learn I guess...

Haven’t posted for a little while, just been out GAL. Went and visited friends in another city, had a great 4-5 days just eating out and visiting cool bars and meeting all their friends. Single life can be pretty great once we’re ready to accept it.

Financial negotiations are going pretty well with the STBXW and it looks like we’ll be going 50/50. She’s wants to be friends again, I’m not sure whether this was great DBing, but I said I couldn’t be friends with her whilst she was with OM. I worded it very carefully so that it wouldn’t sound controlling and that it was about my choice rather than what I wanted her to do, it probably don’t think I should have said it. She offered for me to meet him so I’d see that he’s not a bad guy. I politely declined and just said I wanted peace going forward. I am well aware of how my actions over the last 8 months might have seemed inconsistent, so that’s something I need to work on.

Just in the Uber to the airport I had a great conversation with the driver, he’s here from Pakistan and his wife and child are still back there. He’s an intelligent guy and has earned two degrees whilst here and just wants the same opportunities everyone else here have. I validated him and tried to understand his frustration, really tried to empathise and he really responded well. The interaction taught me two things, listening and validating really work, and despite how terrible a time I’ve had the last 8 months, it’s not all that bad.


Me: 38 W:40
T: 14 M: 11
S: 4
BD1: IHS Nov 2019
BD2: ILYBNILWY Jun 2020
OM since Jun 2020
W moves out Aug 2020

"What happened happened, and couldn't have happened any other way...because it didn't"
Re: OB Accepting and Moving Forward [Re: OnlyBent] #2914695
02/08/21 11:40 PM
02/08/21 11:40 PM
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Hi OnlyBent,

Originally Posted by OnlyBent
I’m not sure whether this was great DBing, but I said I couldn’t be friends with her whilst she was with OM. I worded it very carefully so that it wouldn’t sound controlling and that it was about my choice rather than what I wanted her to do

If you spent a week visiting friends and realized you enjoy the single life, if your negotiations are going well and at 50/50, if you practiced listening and validation on an Uber driver, and your biggest concern is whether this boundary is and was presented as 100% for you safety and not to control her--I'd say fantastic "A grade" update. Props! Sounds like you're putting in the work and getting to where you want to be.


May'19 - separation. | Dec'19, Oct'20, Jan'21 - painful breakups. | Jan'21 - freedom!
"We the ones who play hard, we live hard, we love hard, we light up the dark." -- Kesha

Re: OB Accepting and Moving Forward [Re: OnlyBent] #2914696
02/08/21 11:49 PM
02/08/21 11:49 PM
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Originally Posted by OnlyBent
I agree with what you’re saying here Sandi and appreciate the input. Looking back I wish I had just dropped her as soon as I found out everything, but the past is the past. Why can’t the LBS just drop the WS? Like LH is fond of saying, rejection breeds obsession and the LBS can’t handle the loss of control of their lives and their future. You live and you learn I guess...

Haven’t posted for a little while, just been out GAL. Went and visited friends in another city, had a great 4-5 days just eating out and visiting cool bars and meeting all their friends. Single life can be pretty great once we’re ready to accept it.

Financial negotiations are going pretty well with the STBXW and it looks like we’ll be going 50/50. She’s wants to be friends again, I’m not sure whether this was great DBing, but I said I couldn’t be friends with her whilst she was with OM. I worded it very carefully so that it wouldn’t sound controlling and that it was about my choice rather than what I wanted her to do, it probably don’t think I should have said it. She offered for me to meet him so I’d see that he’s not a bad guy. I politely declined and just said I wanted peace going forward. I am well aware of how my actions over the last 8 months might have seemed inconsistent, so that’s something I need to work on.

Just in the Uber to the airport I had a great conversation with the driver, he’s here from Pakistan and his wife and child are still back there. He’s an intelligent guy and has earned two degrees whilst here and just wants the same opportunities everyone else here have. I validated him and tried to understand his frustration, really tried to empathise and he really responded well. The interaction taught me two things, listening and validating really work, and despite how terrible a time I’ve had the last 8 months, it’s not all that bad.


Bent,

Great update for the most part. The only thing to point out is I would’ve said “I have no interest being friends with you”. If she breaks up with him tomorrow are you going to be friends with her?

Otherwise good stuff. Be patient and kind to yourself.


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

“Don't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.”- Will Smith
Re: OB Accepting and Moving Forward [Re: LH19] #2914713
02/09/21 11:13 AM
02/09/21 11:13 AM
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OnlyBent Online OP
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Originally Posted by CWarrior
If you spent a week visiting friends and realized you enjoy the single life, if your negotiations are going well and at 50/50, if you practiced listening and validation on an Uber driver, and your biggest concern is whether this boundary is and was presented as 100% for you safety and not to control her--I'd say fantastic "A grade" update. Props! Sounds like you're putting in the work and getting to where you want to be.


CW, when you put it that way, it doesn't sound too bad does it, thanks mate. Getting there, but recognise still a lot more work to go.

Originally Posted by LH19
Great update for the most part. The only thing to point out is I would’ve said “I have no interest being friends with you”. If she breaks up with him tomorrow are you going to be friends with her?


Thanks LH. No, if she broke up with him tomorrow I wouldn't be friends. It wasn't him or their relationship that lied repeatedly to me and treated me with disrespect, it was her. No friends of mine treat me that way.


Me: 38 W:40
T: 14 M: 11
S: 4
BD1: IHS Nov 2019
BD2: ILYBNILWY Jun 2020
OM since Jun 2020
W moves out Aug 2020

"What happened happened, and couldn't have happened any other way...because it didn't"
Re: OB Accepting and Moving Forward [Re: OnlyBent] #2914931
02/12/21 10:17 PM
02/12/21 10:17 PM
Joined: Oct 2020
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After having a great week being back from my mini holiday, I have some not so great news. There has been a mini outbreak in the city I visited and a known infection was working at the airport terminal I was at the day I flew home, so I am considered a close contact and must isolate until the 23rd regardless of test result (which just came back negative).

I am not able to have S4 at my house until then, which will be hard, and it has also really reinforced how on my own I am now. I got angry for a little bit at the STBXW for having done all this, but fortunately this didn't last too long. She has been pretty kind in offering to get my groceries for me, to which I politely declined. She has been good about S4, telling me I can FaceTime every day and that they will come past my balcony whenever I want to swap little presents and whatever else. She made him a calendar to cross off the days until I am allowed out again.

I am grateful for this kindness from her but it does not change the way I feel about her. More and more when I think of her I am getting closer and closer to feeling nothing, which is a good thing. I have had so many offers from friends to drop things by which I am also very grateful for.

I am actually looking at this time as a gift. I am planning to cook some amazing meals every night, will make sure everything around the house is all fixed up and looking amazing, will work on budgeting going forward, do lots of yoga and stretching, have baths, FaceTime friends and read lots of books, self-help and fiction.

Does anyone have any tips for when reading self-help books to make sure it sinks in? Do you take notes? Do you read more than once? I feel like I often read something amazing but then a lot of it falls out of my head eventually. Maybe having a friend read it and then discussing is a good strategy?

I just read Shoe Dog by the founder of Nike, I can't recommend this book enough, not only is it enjoyable but lots of great life lessons as well.

Finally, has IC yesterday (via phone) and she is really pleased with my progress. If I can improve the following three things, my life will be infinitely better:

- Increase social confidence
- Reduce the need to be liked
- Stop caring what others think


Me: 38 W:40
T: 14 M: 11
S: 4
BD1: IHS Nov 2019
BD2: ILYBNILWY Jun 2020
OM since Jun 2020
W moves out Aug 2020

"What happened happened, and couldn't have happened any other way...because it didn't"
Re: OB Accepting and Moving Forward [Re: OnlyBent] #2914935
02/12/21 10:53 PM
02/12/21 10:53 PM
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 2,838
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Originally Posted by SaltyDog
Does anyone have any tips for when reading self-help books to make sure it sinks in? Do you take notes? Do you read more than once? I feel like I often read something amazing but then a lot of it falls out of my head eventually. Maybe having a friend read it and then discussing is a good strategy?

With self-help books, I usually find it easier to learn the facts than to acquire the desired skills or habits. I do best with reading a single chapter, practicing, then moving onto the next. I suspect your best approach depends on how you learn and the sort of material you're learning. Good luck, grasshopper!


May'19 - separation. | Dec'19, Oct'20, Jan'21 - painful breakups. | Jan'21 - freedom!
"We the ones who play hard, we live hard, we love hard, we light up the dark." -- Kesha

Re: OB Accepting and Moving Forward [Re: OnlyBent] #2914997
02/14/21 03:15 PM
02/14/21 03:15 PM
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OB, I haven't posted on your thread before but I just have to drop in and say I'm impressed with your progress. I can tell you will do great not just by reading your posts but also in how well you write to others on their threads.

Regarding self help books - I am a slow reader and can have difficulties concentrating. But I make sure I read every day and then move on to the next book. After combining that and reading threads here where others will repeat things they have learned, eventually it stayed with me. But recently I bought an old book I had read again as an audiobook so I have something to listen to when I work out and remembered so many interesting details. So that could be an idea as well perhaps?

I was tired of listening to podcasts and wanted to take the opportunity to learn something while working out so a win win for me at least.


Me: 38
Stbxw: 35
No kids
Mini bd: February 6, 2019
ONS confirmed Sept 7, 2019
Told her to move out: September 8, 2019
W moved out: September 28, 2019
Divorce filed by me: September 23, 2019
Re: OB Accepting and Moving Forward [Re: OnlyBent] #2915005
02/14/21 05:04 PM
02/14/21 05:04 PM
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I couldn't focus long enough to read and retain anything, so I watched youtube videos in small doses, or audio books but only one chapter at a time, as suggested by CW.

I like the idea of listening while working out!

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