Leaving it behind.

[LH19]

HA!!! "non sputare nel piatto dove mangi" is Italian for that, LH! I just hate it in English

CanB - The problem is I've been attracting too young and too old - the age-appropriate men that have shown interest were X's 'friends' or total dirtbags. (wanna see a pic of my giant member? ) Truly. A guy I know asked me that. Um. No. Go away. Gah. That was awkward. I did laugh at one of them when he asked me out I said, No. You and X are friends and he said "We aren't that close"
-------------------------------------



There is a guy that lives about an hour away that my friends were telling me about. At the time I wasn't interested in dating yet. My friends say that he is a "good" man.

Spoke with IC about this at last appointment and he said I was def. ready to start dating. Woo hoo!!

Told my friends and they are going to have us both over for a cookout or something. I like that idea and have actually felt pretty good about it. I like that my trusted friends (she and husband have been my rock through this, even went to d court with me) know him well. She is like my 'twisted sister' and her husband has helped me off of more than a few ledges emotionally. Love them dearly - trust them without question. Feels like the perfect set up for where I am.

He worked with friend - they are both jet pilots. That's probably my only concern. A part of me is scared. I know it's from being married to someone who started out as a warehouse clerk and became a very successful, high-profile career guy - there are certain careers that really draw attention and that makes me uneasy. My own stuff to work through. Obs my friend is also a pilot and not at all flirty, unfaithful, etc...

I know, realistically, it was my X that was the cheater - and a job doesn't make you one. But I'm processing this as it comes.

I will meet him and see. I like that I'm just going to meet him and not a date.

Good news is (and discussed with my IC). I'm not the girl I was. I understand red flags. I don't "need" a boyfriend so there is no fear of holding on to an unsafe person for any reason.

It's just another example of how adultery just really fks with the head and heart.

And finally - since he is a pilot, he doesn't have a fk**** beard! X had one since 1995 and I just can't with them. That's probably silly but whatever. I'll own it and I'm not willing to work through that one. LOL

------------------------------------


Anyway....my GAL was cancelled today. Was supposed to hang out with 2 of my grands, but the little was exposed to a friend whose dad has a confirmed case. I think we all had it back in Dec 2010 - the entire school district closed down - 200 kids in one day called in. They closed the school for 2 weeks and haven't had a case since this started.

I'm going to clean my patio furniture. I made a very nice place to sit out there and I've noticed spider webs and gunk - I've been putting it off but it's time I spend more time out there then in here.

I have the most lovely view of the pool here at my complex. It's very much like living in a nice resort. Not fancy - just very pretty and nice.

It felt like God's provision for me as when I started looking at places to live in 2019 all they had were parking lot views and I REALLY didn't want that!! I literally prayed that God would not give me a parking lot view.

My X pulled some things and I had to move Oct 2020 - and wouldn't you know it - this opened up! Even the apt manager was surprised at the timing.

When I'm walking around here with the blinds open I see a beautiful courtyard and the stunning blue water and it's so healing.

Also going to run today. I usually run every other, but I'm not convinced they won't kill me tomorrow. LOL

Hope everyone is having an amazing Sunday!! Find the joy in today!! For me, it's an extra slice of bacon.

Hope,

Take it from someone who has been dating on and off for 2 years. Do not worry about what he does for a living. Do not worry about what your friends say about him. Meet him and see if there is chemistry for a real date. You may have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find Prince Charming.

[97Hope]

I do not frogs. Bleck.

But I hear ya. And I'm not going to stress over it or I'll take out all of the fun! And it's not even scheduled yet. lol
sometimes I wear myself out!

[97Hope]

Today was amazing. Extra slice of bacon, cleaned the patio off. Bought some shelves, assembled them with my boyfriend, YouTube, and then disassembled and reassembled because I did it wrong the first time.

Organized the utility room and guest closet and now I will spend about a week and 1/2 trying to remember where I put everything that I organized.

Went for a run but was winded after a mile so - alt. between run/walk. Weather was perfect.

S19 is here. He spends 3/3 between his D's and here. Said that his dad had made food for me but he didn't think I would want food from "Slutty McSluttington" I laughed

He was reminiscing a lot about key times where it was just the two of us. I think he's processing everything. I let the comment go. He will find his way.

Read a little Gates Of Fire but keep getting distracted.

Crossfit tomorrow and need to find another GAL for the week.

Not sure but I might be turning into a floozy. While at home depot getting shelves I kind of flirted back with a guy.

Hope everyone is having a beautiful evening! x

[OnlyBent]

Hey Hope, your posts usually make me smile, thanks!

Will spend some time going through your history tonight.

[97Hope]

From my journal - 8/4/20


******************************
Every situation is different, which makes it harder to figure out what's best for us. I don't regret standing - I did what I felt was right at the time with the information I had at the time. I have grown so much stronger and I can see the light at the end of the tunnel now, whereas before - I was a shell of the woman I am now.

I took time evaluating what I want in life. I spent all of my energy in therapy, learning about grief, reading true stories from other people in my situation - I'm Christian so there was the whole Biblical angle for me, personally and reading what God says about adultery. (He hates it, BTW and has divorced His people over it).

Early days, I started drinking a lot of water and quit drinking alcohol. Just to help me see clearly. Then I started working out for my physical health. That also helped my mental health. I signed up for a 5k. (I am the opposite of a runner LOL). It's amazing what we believe we can't do until we do it.

My point is, start with what you can do. You can drink adequate water every day, right? It helps to make good choices for ourselves - it empowers us. When something breaks around the house - google a video on how to fix it and do it! If you mess up, call someone to help you.

Those little things helped me get my power back. I had given my spouse all of my power. I didn't even get to decide - as a grown woman - where the money was spent, where/when we went for fun etc. what kind of flowers we planted. Sure, he would ask my opinion, but ultimately - He was big on control and I was so conditioned, it took a long trek out of the fog to realize how much I gave him.

I chose - for MYSELF - what I wanted in life. And it wasn't spending another second with a man who did not respect me and who hurt me, lied to me, and had little to no value for me as a human.

I was the one to file for divorce, but I had to get there on my own. I had to be honest about what I was willing to accept from my partner. It was brutal, painful and most of all - FREEING. I promise that whatever you decide, you will survive. But if you take some time, take care of yourself, focus on your healing - you will THRIVE.

I am convinced that - to the point of this article (why did we stay?) - we stay because we accept what we think we deserve. Secondly, we stay because we accept far less from a spouse than we would ever accept from a potential suitor. I spent a lot of time evaluating my boundaries and realizing that because of a marriage license - I was willing to have zero boundaries. I am interested to know if other LBSs that stay also have no boundaries with other family members.

Once I began my healing journey I started evaluating boundaries with every relationship in my life, I saw where healthy, safe relationships existed, and I let go of the rest.


One last bit of advice I wish I had back then....Your timing, not theirs. They were unfaithful. They do not get to control the timeline on your grief or your recovery. That is why I suggest a divorce. Your marriage is dead. Whether you want to marry this same person again some day is a choice ONLY you can make. You wouldn't be asking around if you truly believed that you are in a safe relationship, because right now, you aren't.

I wish I could hug you from here. I know how painful this is. Find a non-judgmental friend that will hold you accountable and remind you of your worth and value. It does not and must not come from the person who violated and betrayed you.


Yes, it is scary.
Yes, it hurts.
Yes, we worry about our kids, grandkids, extended family.
Financially, it's a blow.
Money can be made. Peace can not be bought.

Would you date a person that cheated in a previous relationship? You might consider it. But in reality, I think we give spouses FAR too much leeway. We don't set high expectations for them and their treatment of us, therefore, they don't treat us how we deserve. Remember - people will treat you with the respect and integrity that you allow.

I have no regrets. I stood - because it was what I wanted. His treatment of me does not diminish me, it diminishes him.

[97Hope]

Anyone want to weigh in? Drafting a letter to X. (names have been changed)

*****************************
Dear Cheater McSluttypants,

It appears you have changed the status on xxxxx to where I am no longer covered through xxxx.

This presents a problem for me as we are supposed to continue to operate under the temporary orders, per the Judge’s ruling. Had I known in advance that you were updating your status to Divorced - I could have applied for Cobra insurance. You would still be responsible for that fee, per the temporary orders, but at least I would have coverage until such time as the divorce is actually, legally, final.

Either way - it was your responsibility to keep the status quo until the final decree has been signed.

I was advised that you have had sex with another or several other persons over the course of the past 3 1/2 years and as you know, I had sex with you on multiple occasions during that same time, the most recent being November 21.

Given that you have put me in a position to be exposed to any manner of sexually transmitted infections, I scheduled an STI screening with my health care provider.

The fee for STI exam/screening is $375.

Please transfer that amount to my account by Thursday, 21 January.

Sincerely,
Hope

[ovrrnbw]

Well that letter doesn't exactly exude detachment...which I get. Am glad you're mad tho instead of sad.

Just stick to heart of the issue which is the health insurance and ask him if he can change it back otherwise he is required to pay the Cobra costs.

[97Hope]

Thanks ovrrnbw : )

Yes, I was pretty angry - but it's more of the same. He stopped paying everything right after our court date with the claim that "the divorce is final". Even though we had temporary orders and the judge wrote in his ruling that we were to remain under them until final decree was signed.

His attorney refused to sign off on final decree, so mine had to send it to judge without his signature and wait for another ruling. (We went to court on July 21 - we received the rendition on September 29 - sent the final decree to his attorney and he's just now saying he won't sign off on it. it's such a long process here. I think his atty is running the tab up knowing he has money. I negotiated a flat rate for mine.

I've let my attorney know, the problem is that I will have to wait for court date and nothing ever really happens when he violates the temp orders. He owes me over a month's salary (for me) - which is about 1/3 of his monthly - he's just entitled and selfish - nothing new.

Just decided to post here instead of sending it. I don't have any direct contact with him anymore aside from the last text exchange and even that left a bad taste in my mouth.

Now I'm rambling a little. Time to let this go and let my L handle it.
Thanks for the advice!!

Looking forward to this D being completely final.

Hope you are well!

[may22]

hi Hope!!

I love the email but think it probably belongs in the write it and not send it category. I agree with over that better to just focus on the health insurance stuff (and/or say nothing and let your attorney handle it).

There is something really sh!tty about having to go get an STI screen for having sex with your own GD husband. I'm really sorry, Hope.

xx May

[97Hope]

(((may))) Yes, it was more therapeutic. About the second I posted it I knew I wasn't going to send it. It was good to get it off my chest.

Have contacted attorney and he can do his thing. Or not. I'm going to have to see if I can get Cobra tomorrow because my insurance doesn't kick in until February 25. X was supposed to keep me on his until then.

There is something really sh!tty about having to go get an STI screen for having sex with your own GD husband. I'm really sorry, Hope.

So much this. Lessons learned. Onward and upward.