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A Message from Michele
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Re: I don't want a divorce II NEW THREAD Pt 27 [Re: KitCat] #2913276
01/22/21 11:37 PM
01/22/21 11:37 PM
Joined: Jun 2019
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CWarrior Online
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PS - If you're curious about norms, in my experience most women discuss STIs and sexual exclusivity before they get intimate for the first time.


May'19 - Separation... Dec'19 - Breakup #1... Oct'20 - Breakup #2.... Jan'21 - Breakup #3
"We are never, ever, ever getting back together." -- T.Swift
Re: I don't want a divorce II NEW THREAD Pt 27 [Re: KitCat] #2913280
01/23/21 12:26 AM
01/23/21 12:26 AM
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KC,
You know we all obviously think you aren't ready to date. You kind of proved it by saying the pilot was a one night stand and than you caught feelings and latched onto him way to quick, and than wouldn't let go when he tried to shake you! My brother had a match profile about 6 months ago..you didn't like him accidentally, but that is ok.

You know you need therapy, you won't get it. You know you need time to heal, yet you won't allow that time. You know you need to focus on yourself and healing, but you are relying on going on dates/ and other men to heal you.

You are caught in a vicious cycle of self destruction and self harm emotionally. Worse yet you know it and justify it, acknowledging it, and keep doing it anyway.

I'm really glad that you posted and faced the "tough crowd" again if you will.

Still rooting for you to find your own inner peace, hope, and happiness without needing to find it in worthless dates, and self destruction!

Take care of yourself!

Last edited by JosephS; 01/23/21 12:29 AM.

Me: 37
W: 34
Together 17 years
Married 16 years
5 kids, 17,16,13,12,8
Re: I don't want a divorce II NEW THREAD Pt 27 [Re: KitCat] #2913281
01/23/21 12:29 AM
01/23/21 12:29 AM
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Originally Posted by KitCat
Originally Posted by Steve85
Originally Posted by KitCat
Originally Posted by LH19
How many dates did you have with the pilot?


6 in person dates... lots of texting...

It is what it is. We did not really know each other. I just caught feeling when I should not have... it happens. Won't make that mistake again.


I am not sure deciding who to fall for and who not to fall for is "a mistake" or something you can control. I think if you are dating someone and sleeping with them, the chance for falling for them is always there. Heck, Hollywood makes dozens of movies a year based on that.


Thank you for not making me feel like an idiot.

I think it stings more based on his reason for not talking with me anymore.

I 100% get that he feels that "I"m a married woman" and regardless of what the papers say I'm not going through a D because he's been through a D and I'm clearly not. That my STBXH footed my vaca.

^^^That's how he "feels".

Okay - my vaca was footed from joint assets I equally paid into and STBXH insisted I use (out of guilt and he clearly just doesn't want to deal with the timeshare and never did) STBXH is paying off the timeshare because of said guilt and he doesn't want me stuck with his BAD decision about the timeshare.

HOWEVER - when he stated I completely lacked empathy in regards to his dogs which are his "kids" I was floored. REALLY??? He went on about how I was not understanding of his work situation and all his stress at home. SERIOUSLY??? I left him with the impression I was not the least bit interested in getting him to open up about these things.

^^^That is where I hit my head over and over. I was VERY interested in him and knowing more about him.

He looks at me as a waste of his time. That hurts. All I can do is move forward.

Anyway lesson learned.


You are not an idiot. KC, as I said my observation is that you try to make your reality what YOU WANT it to be, and not what it really is. And that is what you are doing with this pilot.

The fact is that he didn't want more with you. Everything he said you quoted above is crap. Excuses not to continue with you. As others have said, he simply wasn't THAT into you. He liked your body. He liked having sex. But that was all it was for him.

Yes he said you didn't talk. That you didn't empathize with his dogs (doesn't even make sense, you are a VET!!). That you didn't understand his stress. GARBAGE ALL OF IT. Just like your WAH, you cannot believe a word this walkaway pilot says! He is saying what is convenient at the moment to get you to leave him alone. I hope that if you learned nothing else from DBing you've learned that you cannot trust the words that come out of person's mouth as they are sprinting for the exit of a R.

Chin up. New day. Live and learn, KC!

Last edited by Steve85; 01/23/21 12:30 AM.

M(51), W(52),D(17)
M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Re: I don't want a divorce II NEW THREAD Pt 27 [Re: CWarrior] #2913501
01/26/21 12:31 AM
01/26/21 12:31 AM
Joined: Jan 2020
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usc Offline
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Originally Posted by CWarrior
PS - If you're curious about norms, in my experience most women discuss STIs and sexual exclusivity before they get intimate for the first time.


This all the way. I know we are all grown and sex may be casual for some but for someone like myself, someone who has respect for a woman, who is looking for a respectable woman to have a relationship with etc., having sex so soon would be a huge turn off for me and there would be no way in heck that I would ever consider being serious with that person. I might go along and get caught up in the moment but once I thought about it all I would be like heck no, heck no! Hence this is why I think he hit you with the player question as well, it is just not a good look, especially with the optics of showing up half naked at his door. I know this is not your normal M.O. but I think this might have been a big reason why it didn't move forward, it's highly possible. And for him to do the same with regards to sexual advances so early with you should raise big red flags about how he is a man, is he a player? The same could be said on both ends. I know if you show yourself immense respect that you will attract guys who will respect and cherish you because you are such a sweetheart.
Be good to yourself ok and the rest will follow naturally.
Take care and good luck.


Been around since Sept 2019. Will post my sitch soon.
Re: I don't want a divorce II NEW THREAD Pt 27 [Re: usc] #2913540
01/26/21 03:32 PM
01/26/21 03:32 PM
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 27,841
Southern Maryland
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usc,

Please start a thread so that our posters can visit with you on your thread and offer support/advice to you.

KC,

Sorry for the hi-jack.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Re: I don't want a divorce II NEW THREAD Pt 27 [Re: KitCat] #2914099
02/01/21 10:31 PM
02/01/21 10:31 PM
Joined: Feb 2018
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KitCat Offline OP
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I saw a new meme today and its soooo me...

I'm shy at first, then BOOM, most annoying person you'll ever met.

^^^^^OMG, perfect analogy of me...

UGH. Its been a hard week.

Re: I don't want a divorce II NEW THREAD Pt 27 [Re: KitCat] #2914103
02/01/21 10:52 PM
02/01/21 10:52 PM
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Originally Posted by KitCat
UGH. Its been a hard week.

Sorry to hear it's been a tough week! Want to talk about it?

PS - I'm not annoyed by you--yet! Maybe the BOOM is one more month away. wink


May'19 - Separation... Dec'19 - Breakup #1... Oct'20 - Breakup #2.... Jan'21 - Breakup #3
"We are never, ever, ever getting back together." -- T.Swift
Re: I don't want a divorce II NEW THREAD Pt 27 [Re: CWarrior] #2914110
02/02/21 01:47 AM
02/02/21 01:47 AM
Joined: Feb 2018
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KitCat Offline OP
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Originally Posted by CWarrior
Originally Posted by KitCat
UGH. Its been a hard week.

Sorry to hear it's been a tough week! Want to talk about it?

PS - I'm not annoyed by you--yet! Maybe the BOOM is one more month away. wink


Its funny BECAUSE I am so freaking shy. But, once someone really invests the walls come down. I remember being in college as a freshman working in the dorm cafeteria... I was quiet and just observing everyone. As a sophomore I knew everyone (except the new freshmen) and I was chatty Cathy. Come to find out my close group of friends all thought I was stuck up because I was so quiet. They couldn't believe that I was just so shy and then how cool I really was.

I don't want to be judged... I'm just honestly having a hard time getting over pilot. I don't know why... I get it on a deeper level but it still just guts me. I'm trying to learn not to act upon it though... that's some serious baby steps. Yup... I'm the girl who went out of her way to be liked by everyone.

Anyway.... I know I know... just get over it. For some reason its hard and taking me longer than it should.

Then there's the whole mess with my STBXH. Do I just smile and wave??? Pretend life is all good OR do I call him out on his BS and all the lying he is doing. Why lie??? We live a no fault state. Whether he lives with someone or not has not bearing on D... so why lie. Why should I even care? Yes, I love seeing the puppy... I love taking care of the puppy... I did a darn good job on his surgery. But, yes its just picking at a scab to see him and have him continue to lie to me. STBXH will randomly send photos of the knives he is making in his forge... he wants to share??? Is this a "bid" for attention? IDK what to make of the days he starts with a business texts and then its 2hr of other texts that are not necessary. I suppose I will be told its to keep me on the string or to see if I'm still on the string as Plan B.

So its all my doing. I stepped in the pile of pig slop.

I'm just trying to put one foot in front of the other and keep moving. I accept each day as it is...

Re: I don't want a divorce II NEW THREAD Pt 27 [Re: KitCat] #2914112
02/02/21 02:03 AM
02/02/21 02:03 AM
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LH19 Online
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KK,

The pilot thing is weird. You should not be that attached after 6 days. Something to to discuss with your IC lol.

As for you STBXH. You shouldn’t let him wean himself off you. You should make him go cold turkey.

I’ve told you before that right now you are not even plan B. You’re somewhere between Q and T. He’s NEVER going to learn to miss you.

Unfortunately being the person you are, you know best. (Insert LH eye roll)


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

“Don't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.”- Will Smith
Re: I don't want a divorce II NEW THREAD Pt 27 [Re: KitCat] #2914113
02/02/21 02:15 AM
02/02/21 02:15 AM
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CWarrior Online
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Originally Posted by KitCat
I'm just honestly having a hard time getting over pilot.

It's understandable. The first new person you're intimate with in 10+ years has an impact on most people. Besides that, your STBXH clearly left a void, and pilot filled it, probably better than STBXH in some ways.

Originally Posted by KitCat
don't want to be judged... I get it on a deeper level but it still just guts me.

Setting aside whether it was wise, it was brave putting your heart out there, showing up naked on his doorstep. We know KitCat is loyal, generous, and compassionate. Commendable traits.

Once you work through your ex baggage, and feel strong on your own, you'll be in high demand.

Originally Posted by KitCat
Why lie??? We live a no fault state. Whether he lives with someone or not has not bearing on D... so why lie. Why should I even care? But, yes its just picking at a scab to see him..

It sounds like your brain knows what to do, and knows "why" he does things no longer matters. I can't wait for the day your brain convinces your heart and you go NC and move forward with your life.


May'19 - Separation... Dec'19 - Breakup #1... Oct'20 - Breakup #2.... Jan'21 - Breakup #3
"We are never, ever, ever getting back together." -- T.Swift
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