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KC, it takes on average seven attempts to leave an abuser because they control and manipulate their victims to stay under their thumb. Please don't blame yourself for staying.

You have a lifetime of protective coping strategies to deprogram that you're probably not even aware of. Do these sound familiar?

- Rationalisation
- Keeping the peace
- Blaming yourself
- Seeking alternative means of getting needs met
- Denial
- Distraction

Men like your STBXH rarely work on their issues because they don't believe they have a problem. Entitlement, remember?

YOU are a good person with bad coping skills. Your STBXH is just a garden variety abuser. The poor diddums felt scared when he choked you? No, choking is what happens when food gets stuck in your throat. The correct term is 'strangulation'. Your STBXH strangled you. And HE is the one who felt scared? When HE tried to take your life?

A US study found that up to three-quarters of women in domestic violence shelters reported non-fatal strangulation from their previous partner. It’s a gendered crime – most victims are women and most perpetrators are men. Other US studies show that in close to 50 per cent of deaths involving intimate partner violence, women had experienced non-fatal strangulation at least once before they were killed. Similarly, in Australia, domestic violence death reviews have often identified that the homicide was preceded by an incident of non-fatal strangulation. As American strangulation educator Gael Strack says, “strangulation is the last warning shot”.

You are lucky to have escaped with your life. I hope you realise what an incredible stroke of luck it was that STBXH left.

I understand your reluctance to tap into your anger. It's incredibly hard to admit you are a victim. Forgive yourself first and foremost. Your anger should be short-lived and give you purpose - to free yourself from your current circumstances. Prolonged, unreleased anger turns to poison inside you. Bitter, bitter poison. If you believe in psychosomatic illness, it could erupt in the form of cancer or chronic pain. You need to be angry, and you need to release it.


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Originally Posted by KitCat
I see your analogy of WAS. Time and space may work with relationships but we weren't even there yet. We were only dating.


The distance/pursuit dynamic is where the idea of giving time and space comes from, and that dynamic is in strong effect during dating. In fact it's an even stronger dynamic during dating than it is in a WAS situation, because the laws of attraction are still in place whereas in a WAS sitch, the WAS had no attraction to the LBS. The more you pursue pilot or anyone else you date, the less attractive they find you. You were no challenge to pilot, you readily jumped into bed with him and even showed up half naked at his doorstep. You blew up his phone (at least it sounds like you did), poured your heart out to him, were way too available to him. You were doing all the pursuing, and now he is doing all the distancing. And you've been making the classic mistake of pursuing even MORE when he distances, which just drives him farther away. I've been in a relationship like that before and will tell you that from my point of view, all that pursuit towards me looked very clingy and desperate. It really turned me off, and it sounds like that's how pilot feels too.

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In my head I wanted to send a text letting him know that he was doing all the right things with his dog with the older health issues, truly all the right things. That he had a good relationship with his vet who had history and testing results that I didn't have. I didn't feel it was my place to interfere with that or add more.


I doubt he cares about that at all, he probably just wants out.

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^^^IDK... maybe he wasn't looking for that but more of me just telling him he was doing a good job??? That's what clients want to hear in my office. Sure they are looking for advice but they really just want to be told or recognized for what they are doing correctly. "you handled that well", "you were right to be concerned about that", etc. Did I just miss the mark when I was not "in office mode"? But, seriously, he was doing all the right things its just a frustrating condition that will not get better. He thought I did not care? He thought I was not interested?


You've gone from hyper-analyzing everything H said to doing it to pilot! Try to put your brain into neutral. It didn't work out, just accept it and move on. Take a break from men for a while and gather your thoughts.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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Originally Posted by AnotherStander
Originally Posted by KitCat
I see your analogy of WAS. Time and space may work with relationships but we weren't even there yet. We were only dating.


The distance/pursuit dynamic is where the idea of giving time and space comes from, and that dynamic is in strong effect during dating. In fact it's an even stronger dynamic during dating than it is in a WAS situation, because the laws of attraction are still in place whereas in a WAS sitch, the WAS had no attraction to the LBS. The more you pursue pilot or anyone else you date, the less attractive they find you. You were no challenge to pilot, you readily jumped into bed with him and even showed up half naked at his doorstep. You blew up his phone (at least it sounds like you did), poured your heart out to him, were way too available to him. You were doing all the pursuing, and now he is doing all the distancing. And you've been making the classic mistake of pursuing even MORE when he distances, which just drives him farther away. I've been in a relationship like that before and will tell you that from my point of view, all that pursuit towards me looked very clingy and desperate. It really turned me off, and it sounds like that's how pilot feels too.


I never texted like 10times a day... everyday. I texted once every couple of days at the end for about a 10 days period.

Is it possible to turn it around?

Is it possible to wait 2-3 wks and offer to take him out to dinner as I "owe him some conversation over a meal"? Looking back at texts from early dating he hated how quiet I was and felt I hide behind the term introvert... obviously it just takes more time for my wall to come down... the sad part is I was like 98% there... UGH... if he could have just been a little more patient with me.


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You've gone from hyper-analyzing everything H said to doing it to pilot! Try to put your brain into neutral. It didn't work out, just accept it and move on. Take a break from men for a while and gather your thoughts.




I'm hyper-analyzing EVERYTHING. This is true of my work - medical cases. Interacting with clients, co-workers and my boss. Why do you WANT me as your vet??? Because I will lie awake at 2am worrying about your pet and brainstorming on case management and care ---- AND you aren't even billed for those hours. This is just not something I do with personal relationships... its me across the board. This just isn't a veterinary forum so you don't see those things... just things that pertain to my marriage and this person I'd really like to date and know more about.

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Originally Posted by KitCat
[quote=AnotherStander][quote=KitCat]I see your analogy of WAS. Time and space may work with
I never texted like 10times a day... everyday. I texted once every couple of days at the end for about a 10 days period.

Is it possible to turn it around?

Is it possible to wait 2-3 wks and offer to take him out to dinner as I "owe him some conversation over a meal"? Looking back at texts from early dating he hated how quiet I was and felt I hide behind the term introvert... obviously it just takes more time for my wall to come down... the sad part is I was like 98% there... UGH... if he could have just been a little more patient with me.



You need to read LH's signature quote. And live it.

Just in case you don't remember it:

Originally Posted by LH's signature
“Don't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.”- Will Smith

Last edited by Steve85; 01/12/21 07:03 PM.

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KK, back away from the pilot . It’s over. It barely even started. His is a great time to just let things lie and backaway. He isn’t interested not because you were too quite. He can sense that your personal life is in turmoil and there and there clearly a lot that isn’t resolved. And that doesn’t work for him. And it shouldn’t honestly work for him.

Lots more to say, debating whether or not I should . But please, just leave the pilot alone . Learn to move to on

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Originally Posted by KitCat
I was at his house and got freaking triggered. He was cussing and swearing loudly -- Not at me. About an issue... and I literally almost left without saying a word to him. I tried to remain calm and asked what I could do to help and I left him to take care of what he needed to address but I stood outside nearly naked trying to breathe. Trying to pretend that my fight or flight had not been triggered. Obviously I got sh*t to deal with.


Originally Posted by KitCat
Is it possible to turn it around? Is it possible to wait 2-3 wks and offer to take him out to dinner as I "owe him some conversation over a meal"?

KitCat, re-read your text about Pilot yelling and cursing only a few dates in--sounds like anger issues. That's not normal. I suspect most people here have yelled expletives at some point, but it's highly unlikely if you stopped by our house on a random night you'd encounter that, especially if you only visited a few times.

Survivors of abusive relationships have an unfortunate tendency to recreate those situations. That's often due to not getting therapy, and a subconscious desire to prove we've grown and can handle them, but true growth is to avoid such situations. I suspect you will downplay his negatives to us, so just consider this yourself. If this is a pattern for you, you may not be able to stop on your own, but at least start noticing it.

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Ok, putting the pilot aside.

You have raised your son. Sons look to their mothers on how they should treat a woman. They see you treated with respect, they will learn to treat their lady with respect. They see you have no tolerance for disrespect? They know not to treat their woman with disrespect. He watches you chase after a man who abuses you, he’s going to think it’s ok to abuse a woman.

He was in therapy for the things he witnessed ? What do you think it would say to him if you were friends with him. Or took him back if he wanted to reconcile? Think about that long and hard .

I personally think if there is anything in this world that can stop us from tolerating and running back to what repeatedly hurts us, it’s our kids. I know you felt you needed to sweep under the rig for yourself. But look at it from your sons point of view . For that reason alone , it something you should walk away from and never look back on. I don’t care how many nice dinners he cooked for you or the shoulders he rubbed. What he did was not acceptable . I hope one day you see how him walking out probably saved your life

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I am coming to terms that my STBXH was a sh$try person... it's not that I didn't know it's that there were/are some amazing things about him. For every crap storm event there were 10 events that were stellar.

It was easy to see the stress he was under... the long hours.. the drama with his XW and her manipulation of the kids. So you look past the short fuse and the displays of anger that we all experience... and slowly over time continues to evolve.

He was an A Hole to my kid. My kid was in therapy because he just wanted to be liked by his stepdad. Why was my STBXH as arse to my kid? Because he wanted my kid to chose living with his dad so I would know th pain of losing my kid... because his kids were being with held from him. Yup... what a winner...

***Irony*** the last 3yr my STBXH had developed a stronger connection to my son. They chatted about all kinds of stuff. They were sharing a car so they communicated about that. I got on my kid about not doing something in regards to the puppy one night when I was exhausted... and my STBXH went in to S19 room to make sure he was ok and that I was overwhelmed with puppy. I was blown away by the relationship they finally had.

Which was then soured when STBXH left and never followed through with him about Graduation or taking him out to dinner. S19 acts tough but it hurt. He does not want me back with STBXH.

I just want to move forward... I have not slept in 3 days now. This is a lot to openly.admit.

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I’m sorry, kk but from what you describe he was and is a sick sick man. I can’t seem to find any excuses for what he did to your son and you. I’m sorry, but communicating about cars and checking in on him once is is not grounds for a good relationship. Why does this man get so many outs and so many excuses and a crumb like “he checked on my son once when I got on him” make him a good person. It was most likely a gaslighting tactic towards you, actually. No long hours of work, no stress from his first marriage, in which he probably physically abused her too. There is absolutely nothing that excuses this behavior and I can’t imagine any “stellar” events cancelling any of this out and making this monster desirable in any way.

I’m sorry you haven’t been sleeping. You are in desperate need of therapy for this. Anyone would be. You continue to make excuses and put this abuser who was also mean to your son on a pedestal when he does something that isn’t cruel. I sincerely hope you get the help you need to get deal with this and change the dynamics in your life towards healthier ones .

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Originally Posted by KitCat
He was an A Hole to my kid. My kid was in therapy because he just wanted to be liked by his stepdad. Why was my STBXH as arse to my kid? Because he wanted my kid to chose living with his dad so I would know th pain of losing my kid... because his kids were being with held from him. Yup... what a winner...

If this is true it is very sad. Your son has been through a lot living in this toxic situation.

For your son' sake I hope Mr. Briside is right and now that you have exhausted all options of trying to get your STBXH you are now going with the smear campaign.

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