I don't want a divorce II NEW THREAD Pt 27

[MrBrside]

TBH KK,

I'm wondering a lot about what you post. This post is going to come across as very harsh, but i think you need serious help !

In 12 months you have not mentioned any of the abuse your ex husband put you through. Now suddenly, you have painted a very negative picture of him.

The whole ex story reminds me of a couple i knew from school. They got married, had children, he ended it due to her instability - For 12 months she tried to get him back, until he filed - Suddenly she is telling people he was abusive. He was devestated, that she would say such a thing....

I am friends with both of them on FB, and she frequently posts memos about surviving abuse and how she has become stronger...

I have known her for 25 years, and it was obvisous she was a Narcasist years ago - even more so with the rubbish she posts on social media.

I'll be honest - when i read your post a few days ago, the first person i thought of was her.

Then there is the pilot sitch - this isnt normal.

You jumped from wanting EX back to dating / pilot in a matter of posts.

You really need to look into Cluster B discorders. NPD and BPD are very similar. Unfortunetly, people with cluster NPD / BPD rarely admit it or want help.

The fact that your consistenly never ackowledge you need IC speaks for itself...

KK, this post isnt meant to be harsh - i just hope it makes you reflect.. Some of the stuff you write / actions are not healthy..

Best of luck

[KitCat]

I'm kind of scratching my head a bit, Kit.

You came here to save your marriage, one year timeline, it was all your fault etc....

Now you are pining over a FWB that you slept with a few times and no longer care about your H.

What are you hoping to get out of this website and the advice being offered?

IDK...

Yup... wanted to save my M and told myself I'd give it a year, but I gave up. I completely and totally gave up. It was a lot of work. It was a lot of a pain. It was a lot of NO movement towards me. NONE. Not to mention I'm dealing with some real emotional drama that happened during our M. Icing on the cake is even seeing him this weekend and helping out with the puppy... he still chose to lie to me. What's to want back?

Ultimately when I took my ring off 10/4... I think deep down I knew I was throwing in the towel.

Stepping into the dating world was iffy at best and I made the justification to just get out and see and make connections... get out be active... interact...

I played it off as FWB but it was never designed to be that way... I was dating... and I kept dating this guy because I did like him. I was trying to protect my feelings so I was dishonest here. I really did like him. I thought he liked me. He learned I was only separated on the first date... clearly, he feels I'm not getting D because I've chosen to stuff down my feelings and get through this without anger (I'm on another support group). I'm not looking to create drama or to cement reasons why we are getting divorced but rather come from a place where STBXH can be like - wow, she really has class.

So STBXH will bring the dog to me... I will pet sit for him... I will occassionally have lunch with my MIL and I will be involved with my stepkids in whatever capacity they are comfortable with... THEREFORE, pilot assumed I'm not getting D... because he's been through D and I'm not going through D.

Frankly my dad has been through 3 D's... In my family you are still family. I was home alone when I went into labor with my S19 and I had to call my dad's second XW for a ride to the hospital. I still see and talk to her and she brings her pets to my office. She is the mother of my half brothers. As for my dad's 3rd XW - we (STBXH, me and our kids) still spent Christmas Eve with her and her kids every year after my dad left her. When we would have family Christmas with my dad's family (my dad was in FL) my mother, her husband and I would bring my dad's 3rdXW to our family Christmas... THIS is how we roll in my family.

This is the dynamic I was raised in and the dynamic I want going forward with my STBXH. I am NOT carrying the trauma that he did to me going forward. I accepted. I put it to bed. I will not go back to that.

[KitCat]

TBH KK,

I'm wondering a lot about what you post. This post is going to come across as very harsh, but i think you need serious help !

In 12 months you have not mentioned any of the abuse your ex husband put you through. Now suddenly, you have painted a very negative picture of him.

The whole ex story reminds me of a couple i knew from school. They got married, had children, he ended it due to her instability - For 12 months she tried to get him back, until he filed - Suddenly she is telling people he was abusive. He was devestated, that she would say such a thing....

I am friends with both of them on FB, and she frequently posts memos about surviving abuse and how she has become stronger...

I have known her for 25 years, and it was obvisous she was a Narcasist years ago - even more so with the rubbish she posts on social media.

I'll be honest - when i read your post a few days ago, the first person i thought of was her.

Then there is the pilot sitch - this isnt normal.

You jumped from wanting EX back to dating / pilot in a matter of posts.

You really need to look into Cluster B discorders. NPD and BPD are very similar. Unfortunetly, people with cluster NPD / BPD rarely admit it or want help.

The fact that your consistenly never ackowledge you need IC speaks for itself...

KK, this post isnt meant to be harsh - i just hope it makes you reflect.. Some of the stuff you write / actions are not healthy..

Best of luck

I get it. I'm willing to admit and look into BPD.

As for the abuse... I struggled with all the "good" things with these "bad" things... like things could be so "good".

Its documented. My son sees a psychologist and psychiatrist. My son had to listen to him screaming at me and how he was going to hurt me... he called my mother who came with the police. I've had to dial 911 when he was throwing a plate of food and then kicked out the tail light of my vehicle because I did not want to go go-karting... the police arrived that night but he had taken off in a car prior to them getting there. Crazy part??? He came home and we all went go-karting. My kid was so traumatized and so anxious he punched me in the arm so hard I fell to the ground. YUP - I realized I just raised 2 boys to behave this same way. My step son had a similar incident a month later with breaking windows and brawling with his father.

NO one outside my son and my STBXH knows how hard my kid hit me. I couldn't move my left arm for a week.

This is one of MANY episodes. You can pull up police logs to residences... they exist.

My STBXH threw a trash can so hard in the house when SS21 would not do what he was told he put a hole in the wall.

I can keep listing them but I do NOT want to live there anymore.

No I will not claim "victim". I stayed and choose to look past and move on each and every time. But, I will not let anyone treat me that way again.

And, why did it take so long to ever mention any of this??? SHAME. FEAR.

If I tell you then it really happened. If only 3 people know... it didn't happen.

Judge me if you want. I'm no longer hiding behind SHAME.

[scout12]

KK, I want to jump in and defend you after reading along for quite a while. And encourage you to think about some stuff.

I am no expert, but I think suggesting that you have a personality disorder is disingenuous at best with some dangerous undertones of victim-blaming and misogyny. You are clearly struggling despite your brave statements about GAL, moving on, and not being a victim. Dear KK, you can own your victimhood without being victimised. I think your hard work has less to do with owning your part and more to do with acceptance.

Honestly, I think it's quite clear you are suffering from something like C-PTSD after internalising years of abuse from several males figures in your life. Your ex, your son... Your father? You're middle aged, right? I wouldn't be surprised to hear that you'd been exposed to some terrible attitudes of male entitlement, exploitation, or abandonment (which were common but NOT normal) in your youth. This is where you need to focus your attention in counselling.

Here's some healing advice if you want it. Allow your anger to surface. Own your victimhood and direct your anger at your abusers. Use that anger to TRULY power yourself into a brand new life. You've been self-medicating the pain by seeking validation from unavailable men. You are a survivor for sure. You are also a victim of abuse. You did nothing to deserve it and you will continue hurting yourself if you internalise this belief.

I think it's absolutely detrimental to your well-being to continue allowing your STBXH access to your friendship. This man has done nothing to deserve your consideration or your attention. Your acceptance of his abuse excuses his disgusting behaviour. Make no mistake, in the absence of any consequences for his behaviour, his sense of entitlement will continue to grow. Your acceptance enables him to go on and hurt other people, including your kids.

Look, maybe I'm just angry today after waking up to yet another news story about male sexual depravity from women who were afraid to speak up because he is white, wealthy, famous and attractive. I'm sick of it and I don't want to hear about it anymore. Toxic masculinity is a cancer. I don't want women to believe they can love a man enough to make him change. It's not that he doesn't see, it's that he disagrees. He DOES, because he CAN.

Stop enabling it, stop allowing it, live your own life and be FREE.

[Thornton]

I feel for you, Kit. I really do.

I think you are a good person and deserve happiness. I just wish you would get onboard with IC because I think once you process your hurt, you will make some lucky guy very happy, and vice versa!

I know you don’t want to be vulnerable and rehash things with IC, but if you can just dig deep and take that courageous step, I truly think you will experience that freedom you deserve. And ironically, once you deal with your stuff and heal, you will find yourself attracting good men into your life.

Rooting for you!

[OnlyBent]

I second that Thornton. When I was 8 or 9, my Stepmum told my siblings and I that we were no longer welcome in her house (we went every second weekend), whilst my Dad just sat there in silence. I thought I was fine and that this hadn't affected my life in any significant way. It wasn't until BD that I realised how sensitive I was to rejection from anyway and dealt with it in IC, that I realised how much I need/needed to free myself from this event.

After the first session dealing with it, I sobbed uncontrollably for a good 15-20 minutes, like something was being let out of my body.

[KitCat]

Here's some healing advice if you want it. Allow your anger to surface. Own your victimhood and direct your anger at your abusers. Use that anger to TRULY power yourself into a brand new life. You've been self-medicating the pain by seeking validation from unavailable men. You are a survivor for sure. You are also a victim of abuse. You did nothing to deserve it and you will continue hurting yourself if you internalise this belief.

But that's just it. I don't want to be angry. If I'm going through with this D I filed it has to be from a place of peace. I'm not forgiving him to let him off the hook. I made equally poor choices to stay. I have to own that.

Within the first year of our M I told him he needed to go to Dr and get on something. He needed something to help with the stress he was under even if it was for the short term. He was so angry all the time but it was never directed at me or the kids then. He complied and was put on Prozac. Life was amazing.... life was good... everyone was happy. But, he often forgot to take it. And, I agreed it made him very flat... he went to feeling nothing so he stopped taking it. I tried to discuss trying something else but he became convinced it was poison and I was using it for mind control.

I remember being at the psychologist with SS19 back then and just telling her I was trying to get STBXH back on medication but he was truly fighting it. Clearly without meds life was starting to go downhill.

He never went back on medication. A few years ago I tried again... I know that he wanted to quit smoking so I even suggested chantix because its really anti-depressant as well. He took it for awhile but it caused horrible nightmares and caused bed wetting of all things.

I'm sure he is working through is own issues with his behavior. He tells me he completely quit gaming which never bothered me. He played games of strategy... quietly. He did not play any shoot em up fast paced things were you are yelling and cussing. But, if he feels that was an unhealthy outlet -- good for him for letting it go. He's trying to return to a simple life. He goes camping. He doesn't have internet or tv at his house. He hunts or grows his own food as much he can.

He's not a bad man - he has exceptionally poor coping mechanisms. The day he put me in a choke hold scared the crap out of him. I know because he confessed to his bff and there was talk of him having PTSD. I do think he has been getting some support/therapy...

I get that I probably need some type of therapy. But, I don't want to sit and cry on someones couch reliving something that should not be controlling my future.

AND HOW DOES PILOT figure into all of this ----- because I was at his house and got freaking triggered. He was cussing and swearing loudly -- Not at me. About an issue... and I literally almost left without saying a word to him. I tried to remain calm and asked what I could do to help and I left him to take care of what he needed to address but I stood outside nearly naked trying to breathe. Trying to pretend that my fight or flight had not been triggered. Obviously I got sh*t to deal with.

[SamCal]

But that's just it. I don't want to be angry. If I'm going through with this D I filed it has to be from a place of peace. I'm not forgiving him to let him off the hook. I made equally poor choices to stay. I have to own that.

Forgiveness and anger aren't mutually exclusive - you can forgive someone and still have anger. Anger doesn't have to be some outburst at someone. It's OK to be angry. Also, you can be at peace with the resolution of something, and still be mad about how it came about.

He's not a bad man - he has exceptionally poor coping mechanisms. The day he put me in a choke hold scared the crap out of him. I know because he confessed to his bff and there was talk of him having PTSD. I do think he has been getting some support/therapy...

Maybe, but this isn't your issue or problem any more - how HE is dealing with his own feelings. Also, it didn't scare him enough to go back to being medicated.

I get that I probably need some type of therapy. But, I don't want to sit and cry on someones couch reliving something that should not be controlling my future.

It HAS been controlling your future, as seen with the pilot. Sometimes the only way out is through.

Sitting around continuing to analyze him and his behaviors isn't going to change what happened. It comes off a lot of mental gymnastics here for you to be at peace. It can be really frustrating when someone won't take the steps to heal e.g. your XH and prozac and..... you not going to IC . His problems aren't yours to solve, but yours are. Pretending things are ok or they didn't happen =/= solving.

[Traveler]

He did not play any shoot em up fast paced things were you are yelling and cussing.

lol. I feel I must stand up for shoot-em up, fast paced things! Can't say I've heard anyone yelling and cussing. Mostly congratulating each other on a good play or laughing at a bad play. My kids have played everything from Minecraft (online lego-building) to Valorant (shoot-shoot-shoot) with me.

AND HOW DOES PILOT figure into all of this ----- because I was at his house and got freaking triggered. He was cussing and swearing loudly

Ooh.. I was afraid of that, KitCat. Is that two angry men in a row you were attracted to? IC can help. Your "RED FLAG" alarm bells SHOULD go off if a potential partner can't handle their anger.

[Traveler]

I get that I probably need some type of therapy. But, I don't want to sit and cry on someones couch reliving something that should not be controlling my future.

I'm sure you know this, but that's only one type of therapy. Behavioral therapists, for example, don't care why you started smoking--they just focus on getting you to quit the maladaptive behavior.