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Oh KC,

You are a kind, loving, valued human being. What your exH did was wrong. He could go to jail. JAIL. There is no amount of cooking or massages that makes up for physical or emotional abuse. That does not balance. You did not deserve that treatment and it is not okay.

I'm so glad you are away from him. I hope that by sharing the truth with us here and naming his actions as abusive and wrong helps continue to establish emotional distance and clarity for you.

I know people have said over and over you should seek out counseling and you've been opposed to that, but I want to add my voice to those to encourage you to find help. What you've been through is incredibly traumatic and a professional can really help you. Like others have noted, a lot of therapists are doing phone or Zoom calls if the in-person part is scary. You might consider a group therapy session where you aren't alone with someone. Does your place of employment offer an employee assistance program? Normally those provide for a few free sessions with a professional therapist, totally confidential.


Me (46) H (42)
M:14 T:18, D9 & D11
4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs
9/20 - present: R and piecing
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Originally Posted by AnotherStander



It's really hard to interpret what you're talking about here, it sounds like this text from pilot had some accusations in it? But this is supposed to be a casual FWB relationship, so I don't know why you're laying awake at night trying to figure out how to respond to his accusations, whatever they were. Without knowing the details I'm just guessing, but it sounds to me like he's sort of doing the WAS thing and pushing you away and making excuses that he's doing it because of your actions. Like "how can we be serious when your ex is paying for your vacations" sort of thing. And if so, you don't need to listen, or validate, or explain or anything. You just need to cut him off. Because he's not asking for explanations, he's just telling you why he's done. Just like a WAS.


Yes... [facepalm]... a list of reasons why he is done.
Didn't need a response.
Didn't need validation.
Didn't need me stating my vaca was paid from joint assets... EXCEPT he wasn't done until he felt I was still accepting vacas from STBXH.... So should that be clarified??? UGH, sorry it just makes me angry... like HELLO, I'm not financially dependant on my STBXH

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You forgave it? Or you swept it all under the rug and pretended it never happened and didn't exist? Because forgiveness absolutely does not mean letting him off the hook and it does not mean forgetting it happened.


I used to sweep it under the rug.

I have forgiven.

I'm over it. I want to move on.

I'm not letting him off the hook but I'm not hiding this part of my narrative any longer. Moving on is living my best life and treating him better than he treated me.

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This seems pretty common with victims of abuse. They take the abuse because they are afraid if they don't then it will escalate. It's also common for victims to blame themselves, do you? Because what you are describing above is full blown abuse, and no one "deserves" to be a victim of that. There is nothing you ever could have done to "explain" being treated that way, and if you think you did deserve it on any level then you're still a victim of his abuse.


This was NOT the first episode of road rage. I used to ask him to stop. Begged him to stop. Yelled at him to stop and all it did was ramp him up and then retaliate to me and not just the other jerk on the road. Then he's screaming at me and telling me to STFU. He did these episodes with the kids in the car too....

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Kitty, big hugs to you, I am sorry you had someone treat you this way, it is awful.

You are so well liked on this forum, so please, please, please get the help that has been suggested to you. We all want to see you in a happy and healthy relationship in the future, but you need to be unbroken.


Me: 41 W:42
T: 14 M: 11
S: 6

"What happened happened, and couldn't have happened any other way...because it didn't"
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Originally Posted by KitCat
STEVE 85 --- If I didn't say anything then it never happened. Does that make sense?

I couldn't admit it to myself. Let alone anyone else. Even those that saw - my mother. I still denied.

So yeah... this has been an undercurrent in my M for years... but I used to balance it against the things that were good.


Avoiding it and denying it doesn't make it go away. You owe it to yourself, everyone else in your life, and all the people that will be in your life in the future to take care of this the right way. IC. I believe it more than ever that you are suffering from PTSD.

KC, you're a good, successful, and educated person. You deserve the best life that you can give yourself!


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Originally Posted by Steve85


Avoiding it and denying it doesn't make it go away. You owe it to yourself, everyone else in your life, and all the people that will be in your life in the future to take care of this the right way. IC. I believe it more than ever that you are suffering from PTSD.

KC, you're a good, successful, and educated person. You deserve the best life that you can give yourself!


Its a different ballgame Steve... Its not denying or avoiding. Its like I never gave it a voice because I didn't want it to exist. Not because I was avoiding it because I did not want people to know and judge me and my situation. And, how do I correlate the good parts of my STBXH with the bad parts. HE HAS A LOT OF GOOD PARTS. Its like not being able to wrap your head around it.

I finally confessed yesterday to my male bff that it occurred. He doesn't know the details but I do know that he went through something similar with his wife. She had trouble with alcohol and was very abusive to my friend and their child. They separated a couple of times. They were going through D but still talking to each other. My bff just wanted her to get help. She committed suicide during the D process.

I'll be talking with my bff later this weekend. Because like me he there were a LOT of good parts. Neither of us believe our spouses are bad people... they just have bad coping mechanisms. I believe that.


I'm still nauseous and light headed discussing this. It seems surreal - like it was a dream or a movie.

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KC, I am sorry that you went through all of that. My XH was an abusive alcoholic (which is why I left, eventually). I felt the same way for a long time after I left - like it was a dream or movie. It creates such dissonance when someone you love and you know isn't ALL bad is doing really awful stuff to people they love. A really good book that goes into this is Codependency No More - it's useful whether the behaviors are related to alcohol or not. It is possible to let yourself love the person and condemn their behaviors, and choose to not put up with them. When I shifted my thoughts to "what is it about me that is making him do this" to "what is it about me choosing to remain in this relationship" and realizing I didn't want to, that gave me the courage to leave. The abusive behaviors weren't about ME - they never really are. I agree that they stem from people having bad coping mechanisms - but that isn't anyone's problem to fix but theirs.


Originally Posted by KitCat

Its a different ballgame Steve... Its not denying or avoiding. Its like I never gave it a voice because I didn't want it to exist. Not because I was avoiding it because I did not want people to know and judge me and my situation. And, how do I correlate the good parts of my STBXH with the bad parts. HE HAS A LOT OF GOOD PARTS. Its like not being able to wrap your head around it.


Not giving a voice to something because you don't want it to exist = denying. Denial has different root causes. It's easier to not deal with it - since you already had to live through it once. That's a coping mechanism.

I understand why you didn't want to divulge that, even though I do agree with others that it would have altered a lot of the advice you were given. Ultimately, it's your choice. Hugs to you.

Re: the pilot - did he just text you all of that out of the blue after he hadn't been?

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SAM-CAL - thanks for the understanding and lack of judgement.

My life is whirlwind of a hot mess. What pilot wrote to me - I wanted to come from a place of compassion and empathy which I did at first???... then it was a complete downward mess of defending myself AND COMPLETELY oversharing.

Re: the pilot --- since he had not texted I did send this.

ME:I like how you brought out the fun in me. I've never shown up at anyone's house like that ever!!! Or certainly sending out those pics... I'd like to count on your discretion not to share.

I appreciated your patience with my quietness - I can be pretty shy and reserved at first. I'm ISFJ-T.

But, we are both adults and saying something would have been better than just ghosting.

I know you are dealing with a senior fella at home and I hope he is comfortable and doing well.

PILOT: Well thats the first you ever acknowledged my situation at home.
Not ghosting. Tired of wasting my efforts. You are a married woman. Inspite of what papers you have. Your husband footed your vacation. Among other ongoing interactions. I've been through a divorce. You weren't going through one.
I was tired of lack of communication and no conversation over a meal.
Then no acknowledgement of my burdens between work and home. Thise dogs are my kids and are my passion. We have had an incredible journey together.
Considering your vocation, your lack of empathy or discussion was disappointing to say the least.
I have several other challenges with parents amd work but you had no idea or interest in bringing those out.
Sorry but time is a valuable commodity and it has been. It very short supply. Especially this time if the year.
I don't know or care what those labels are . I see actions or lack there of.


That sort of surprised me because I frequently started our text conversations asking about his older dog. When he texted me at the end of a long day of flight I always validated that his schedule seems exhausting. Now the week I was out of town I did not ask as much about his dog and I probably should have when we were texting Christmas Day and that he had gotten home the night before asked about how his dogs were/parents were. He just always seemed to be distant and cold BUT I get it... text messages are hard to read as you miss nearly 90%of communication - tone and body language.

I have NEVER in my life ever been told I lack empathy. But also given my profession empathy can be a drained commodity - I had multiple end of life consults. One particular bad one was because the patient was his own worst enemy - he kept eating things he shouldn't. The last surgery was particlarly bad and I had to resect 18" of bowel and I told them due to scar tissue from 2 prior surgeries I'd have to send to a boarded surgeon the next time... well the next time came and owners had to make a hard decision of putting a dog down which was young and otherwise healthy but how many times do you do surgery? They kept him locked up nearly all the time because he could not be trusted to eat things. THAT ONE WAS HARD. I can't discuss this with the pilot because its too close to home - he doesn't want to hear it. I get it. But, don't tell me I don't have empathy. Sometimes we just have to cut it off for our own mental health... my profession is among the top with suicide rates.

I simply responded with "I hear you".

And, then I took 24hr to really thing about what he wrote.... I wish I could say I left it there but I did not. I spilled my guts... frown

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And, lets just add more crazy to the list.

I'm at work on Saturday and my STBXH calls my office. I told him I would call him after work - it was about the puppy's tail.

So I've been fielding texts off and on since beginning Oct for this tail. He's been managing the best he from what I text him. When I called him after work he really needed me to look at the tail. We discussed options and ended up agreeing to meet him back at the clinic in 2hr.

I packed up some odds and ends that I had still come across at the house that were his - leather coats, miscellaneous other items.

There was PLENTY of time to talk as I had to sedate the dog... and when done had to wake the dog up. Talked mostly about the kids. He realized I know that SS21 is in some serious trouble but I was able to confirm that he knew this too. I asked if he what it exactly it was - he confirmed he did not. I said all I know is that it happened during deployment and that I let him know I was here for him if he ever wanted to talk. SS21 is dealing with a lot of shame right now and doesn't really want to come home. He is looking at a less than honorable discharge from what I gather and will be discharged. STBXH talked about having him live with him once he comes home and getting him into truck driving here.

I asked about the Alaska vaca which turned out to be canceled. Now he's going to Kona - scuba diving, living/working on a dude ranch, etc. I told him the dude ranch sounds like a blast.

He started showing me pictures of the first knife he is making in his forge - its a hunting knife for his son. It looks really amazing for his first one.

For the first time in a long time he actually asked about me - how was my friend B? Do you still do your women's group thing. That was interesting...

He suddenly said "I have no social life".... wait what??? I was like that's why you moved to X town - to have a social life. You had no social connections here. He was like "I don't like the bar scene". I was like well you moved there to be closer to friends/work people. He stated that he hasn't seen R and L in the last month as they had COVID. HMMMM.. is the grass looking a little less green???

I walked STBXH through every thing he needs to do to keep up with this issue. Got him meds... extra bandage material. Puppy is finally awake --- and YES, I'm all like "how's my big sexy baby feeling???" LOL to the dog. We walk outside and I start collecting his stuff from my vehicle and he's like "wow, I thought I had just misplaced that stuff... and I was looking for that other day". He is still yammering as we load up his truck with the stuff and puppy.

AND... I went for it... "who are going to Kona with?" He immediately said "just me"... oh really? He starts yammering on and asking how much we spent when we went as a family of 5? Told him to make sure he gets a picture of himself on a dude ranch and he goes on about how he doesn't have internet at the house and I reminded him he has a cell phone and data. He tells he no longer games at all - doesn't even open up his gaming laptop. I told him good for him.

I walked away from his truck 3 times... He kept popping back out and saying something or asking something so I'd turn around. At one point he jumped out of his truck and stated he was thinking about island hopping to Oahu for a Dole Whip. I must have given him one amazing smile because we both talked about trying to make them at home and they are not even close to the same. At that I turned around again and told him to let me know if he needed anything... I looked freaking amazing!!! My ass looked great in those jeans and boots!!!

I knew deep down he was lying to me. I know he is not going to Kona alone. I told my friend this and she got online and confirmed he is going with OW. I don't know why he continues to lie? But, I just don't care anymore. I've got no reason to call him out on it... its not worth my energy.

This interaction is what I want left in my memory.

Not all the other garbage stuff with that pain.

He is a good person with bad coping skills... END OF STORY.

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I think physically abusing a woman is more then bad coping skills but maybe that’s just me.

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Hey Kit,

Just a quick question. So many people have pointed you towards IC but you simply don’t acknowledge it or dance around it. I know you had a poor experience in the past but I know there are really good therapists out there that could really help you you grow.

My question is, are you ever going to consider IC or are we wasting our time trying to encourage you to go?

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