I think you are overthinking and overtalking this sitch.
Go "No Contact" unless it is in regard to your child.
The fact that she cheated on her husband before you guys met isn't good, and I think y'all not being together might be good.
Do you know how you figure this out? Give yourself time and space from her. Spend some time thinking and some time not thinking, just having fun doing GAL stuff. Figure out your issues, but simplify them. Armchair psychology is popular right now but unless you have a professional diagnosing you with something, just think of good and bad behaviors IMO. Keep it Simple.
When she talks, you listen and validate. You keep your opinion to yourself unless she directly asks. And even then, I would think twice about answering her questions about Instagram or what have you been up to. You could respond "I didn't catch it I was busy working on something downstairs." And it would be even better if you were downstairs building something, you know?
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
How long of time between her D with first H and when the two of you started dating?
Has she ever said how many relationships she's had?
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4) I almost called her bf to ask if she thought what would be the best course of action - being more open or space? Space feels like that's at the expense of coming off the way our relationship went.
NEVER, EVER talk to her friend (or relative) about the relationship, and especially ask what course of action to take. It makes no difference how much the best friend says they want to see you together. You don't show your cards.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
@sandi - she was married from 23-32. Had issues with a controlling husband - I also thought I was living under his shadow - I brought that up and I don't think she fully realized it.
We met when she was 34.
Sandi, call me crazy but there are many many things I love about her. I always outwardly encouraged her and it came across to hear that she wasn't good enough as she was.
Now I feel like there's so many layers to this separation..... I think the space is really good for her. I don't like the feeling of growing apart right now at all.
The more space I have the more I'm understanding myself, what I want, how I want to feel and how I want to show up in the world. And I see her (or someone like) her by my side.
I get confused and lost because in the past I would respond to her small advances and it would build momentum for us. I'm fumbling as you can see with some of my communication with her and not following up on anything that could be construed as an advancement. I'm also concerned that the "just business about our daughter" will trigger her abandonment that she felt during our relationship (which in part I now can see and own my share of that).
We are currently reconciling taxes and monies owed.
Also, as I may have mentioned, she asked to go to the mediator, I told her a few weeks ago I would call one once I was done training - and I did call one on Sunday. I still haven't heard back. I want to be a man of my word AND I don't know how to handle this one. Do I tell her I called? Do I leave it?
J, I want you to read as much about breaking codependency as you can.
Depending on each other is a normal thing in a healthy marriage, so it is hard to break these old habits and behaviors. But you have to. You have got to learn how to live without her right now.
You have to stop attaching your happiness to her, and discover what makes you happy as an individual.
You have to stop wasting time caring about her feelings, and spend every second of your free time learning to care for yourself.
Save yourself. Nobody is coming! BD:11/2017 Filed:12/2017 Final: 2/2018
Thanks J. I had a big step today and getting help for what I think is at the core of the codependency. I saw a book about codependency at her house a few weeks ago actually - but that's her journey and I'm working on focusing on only my own.
Also - How does validating her play into any of this? I downloaded a list awhile ago and was curious how that (if)played into this?
Also - How does validating her play into any of this? I downloaded a list awhile ago and was curious how that (if)played into this?
OverTheRainbow said it well--
Originally Posted by OverTheRainbow
When she talks, you listen and validate. You keep your opinion to yourself unless she directly asks. And even then, I would think twice about answering..
Do you have any specific questions after reviewing the validation cheat sheet? Active Listening and Validation are skills that get better with practice. They also work on customers, family and acquaintances.
Thanks J. I had a big step today and getting help for what I think is at the core of the codependency. I saw a book about codependency at her house a few weeks ago actually - but that's her journey and I'm working on focusing on only my own.
Also - How does validating her play into any of this? I downloaded a list awhile ago and was curious how that (if)played into this?
Validating is a way of responding to what they say while trying to avoid a negative emotional response. It works both directions. You learn to validate instead of argue a point (and maybe get some insight and reduce conflicts), and they get an answer from you that de-escalates and makes them feel acknowledged.
Save yourself. Nobody is coming! BD:11/2017 Filed:12/2017 Final: 2/2018
@joe2017 is there only one list in the forum? any other references you could suggest? I see how this clearly will help (and was missing) in my relationships and whatever may come of the one with my daughters mother.
Some of these realizations just bring up a lot sadness.....
JHopeful, I noted a few helpful resources above [edit--oops, another thread!]
The 3-minute video by Brenee Brown on Empathy is great for understanding validation.
The validation thread here has good examples--but, of course, don't just repeat those and sound robotic. Some people sound robotic when they first try active listening and validation!
You can share your attempts here and request feedback. Ron's thread today has some examples of that, and a forum search of "Validation" will come up with many more examples.
Lifehacker has an article, "How to Practice Active Listening".
