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1stLove Offline OP
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On Saturday I helped her move out to her new apartment.
It was more or less an ok day, not too emotional but sad of course.

We had dinner in the evening and talked a bit about open relationships and seeing what we still have. We both want to keep our connection and said that we try that first before we trigger a nuclear option and don't see each other at all. I also read on another site that if you want your ex back you got to have opportunities to show them that you are changing and becoming a better man.

She also sent me a long message after that evening which was nice and sad at the same time.

"Thank you so so much for today again!! It meant a lot to me that you helped me pack and move everything. I am sorry about the distance or if I said something that hurt you. I also felt that I had to super rush in the end.. so it was not my best goodbye. But I am really happy we took the chance to talk and that we both want to keep this connection for now. I am very happy about that because I have a lot of love for you. I was just very reserved because I don’t want to create false expectations.

Heart
"

Not sure but this feels like a step in a good direction. We have been sending messages and voice messages a few times since then and I'll see her at yoga class today.

Just got the Divorce Remedy so reading that as well.

I feel like I want to give this 6 months and see where it ends. Then I can always pull the trigger and move on to a new life.

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1stLove Offline OP
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Also found her on OKCupid the other day...that was a hard time and not sure what to think about that...

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Oh boy here we go again with the dating websites. At least you are not married. She is trying to replace you and keep you on the hook as plan b in case she doesn’t find anyone else.

She has zero intentions on coming back to you. If you want her back your best chance is go go NC and go out and live an amazing life. All this other $hit you are doing, moving her, messaging her, and yoga is a waste of time and hurting your chances.

Have you read “how to be a 3% man” yet? Are you familiar with masculine and feminine energy?


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

�Happiness equals reality minus expectations�- Magliozzi
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Originally Posted by 1stLove
"Thank you so so much for today again!! It meant a lot to me that you helped me pack and move everything. I am sorry about the distance or if I said something that hurt you. I also felt that I had to super rush in the end.. so it was not my best goodbye. But I am really happy we took the chance to talk and that we both want to keep this connection for now. I am very happy about that because I have a lot of love for you. I was just very reserved because I don’t want to create false expectations.


I'm sorry 1L, but I translates to "blah blah blah friendzone blah blah". It reeks of what women say to a man they have no interest in. Trust me, the men she is interested in would not be getting a message anything close to this.

Last edited by OnlyBent; 01/20/21 10:58 AM.

Me: 40 W:41
T: 14 M: 11
S: 5

BD & OM Jun 2020
W moves out Aug 2020

"What happened happened, and couldn't have happened any other way...because it didn't"
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oh 1st...this post just made me cringe because it reminds me of when my ex moved out. And now you are reading advice from other sites and want to give that a chance. You are basically helping her find a new life without you. You both want to keep that connection? While being in an open relationship?

Another stander once wrote to me something like "she is about to hit rock bottom but you are throwing a mattress under her". That is exactly what you are doing by messaging with her, having dinners etc etc. I know this because I did the same and I deeply regret it today.

My ex fought as hard as she could to have me in her life but all that meant was that she wants to dip her toes in the scary waters out there but she also wants to the comfort of knowing you are there in case she doesn't find the happiness she's searching for. She wants you to be her plan B, nothing else.


Me: 38
Stbxw: 35
No kids
Mini bd: February 6, 2019
ONS confirmed Sept 7, 2019
Told her to move out: September 8, 2019
W moved out: September 28, 2019
Divorce filed by me: September 23, 2019
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Yep you’re plan B, or worse she only wants use as a friend and doesn’t dare to put it that way. Yet.
NC, all focus on you! Listen to LH!


Me: 34
Stbxw: 30
D:5 D:3
Mini bd: May/June 2019
Married: Aug 2019
BD: 6th Dec 2019
OM Confirmed: Feb 2020
March 2020: I filed for D
Waiting for D to be finalized and W to move out end of January 2021
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I will join the chorus here, she loves you like a brother. Which means she wants you in her life, just not as her lover. So if you want to be BFFs and hear about the new Rs in her life then you are doing the right things. If you want to be her lover or nothing then you are making all of the classic mistakes.

Read DR. Read all of Cadet's information in his welcome message. She has moved out now, I would advocate going dark and using the Last Resort Technique.

You also might want to look into Nice Guy Syndrome and the book No More Mr. Nice Guy. Lots of guys have helped their W (in your case GF) move out in an effort to "nice" her back. You cannot. From a woman's perspective she has to respect her lover. Do you think helping someone leave you is worthy of respect?

1stlove, you really should try posting here before making decisions related to your R. The folks here can help you make the wise decision,not the instinctual one.


M(52), W(53),D(17)
M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
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Ok 1st lucky for you I speak Walkawayese and I will translate what she is really saying and also comment on some things you posted. This is not to be mean this is what you are up against.


Originally Posted by 1stLove
On Saturday I helped her move out to her new apartment.

Bad move. Never help some leave you. Pack their $hit to get it out of your house but leave it at that. Displaying low value.
Originally Posted by 1stLove
It was more or less an ok day, not too emotional but sad of course.

I am hoping you didn't cry in front her. Learning to control your emotions should be on your list of things to work on.
Originally Posted by 1stLove
We had dinner in the evening and talked a bit about open relationships and seeing what we still have.
Translation: So this is the long version of "I love you but I am not in love with you". You love to remind her that this is how she feels.
Originally Posted by 1stLove
We both want to keep our connection and said that we try that first before we trigger a nuclear option and don't see each other at all.

Translation: Let's stay friends until I find someone better. Then you will never here from me again.
Originally Posted by 1stLove
I also read on another site that if you want your ex back you got to have opportunities to show them that you are changing and becoming a better man.

What changes? You still seem very desperate and needy.
Originally Posted by 1stLove
also sent me a long message after that evening which was nice and sad at the same time.

Translation: Thanks for helping me move and buy me dinner. Now off to join some dating websites.
Originally Posted by 1stLove
"Thank you so so much for today again!! It meant a lot to me that you helped me pack and move everything.

Translation: I say jump and he says how high.
Originally Posted by 1stLove
I am sorry about the distance or if I said something that hurt you.

Translation: Dude give me some fuching space to breathe
Originally Posted by 1stLove
I also felt that I had to super rush in the end.. so it was not my best goodbye.

Translation: I was afraid you would beg, plead and cry again so I had to get out of there
Originally Posted by 1stLove
But I am really happy we took the chance to talk and that we both want to keep this connection for now.

Translation: If you are ok with it for now you can help me with things and buy me dinner when I don't have a date.
Originally Posted by 1stLove
I am very happy about that because I have a lot of love for you.

Translation: Just not the kind of love a woman feels for a man. More like brother and sister.
Originally Posted by 1stLove
I was just very reserved because I don’t want to create false expectations.

Translation: Don't be surprised that when I find someone new you never hear from me again.
Originally Posted by 1stLove
Not sure but this feels like a step in a good direction.

WTF????? Yeah if you want to just be friends.
Originally Posted by 1stLove
We have been sending messages and voice messages a few times since then and I'll see her at yoga class today.

So she moves out because she feels trapped and needs space and now you are going to go to yoga with her. Dude you are friend zoning yourself.
Originally Posted by 1stLove
Just got the Divorce Remedy so reading that as well.

Good! Read how pursuit is the number one enemy of LBS.
Originally Posted by 1stLove
I feel like I want to give this 6 months and see where it ends.

Uuuum. I can tell you where it is going to end.
Originally Posted by 1stLove
Then I can always pull the trigger and move on to a new life.

Pull the trigger on what? You have zero control here.


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�Happiness equals reality minus expectations�- Magliozzi
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Hello Mr. Nice Guy. A lot of problems formed in your MR came from NGS. You currently resist the DB methods b/c it makes you feel uncomfortable. NGS kills a W's sexual desire, and at best, the only relationship she'll have with you is to be buddies.


Quote
One question I have is that thing about going dark: I was not fully emotional available to her in the last weeks, so I am wondering if showing affection is not actually better?


This is an example of you not feeling comfortable with the advice given on the board. It's an example of your own unhealthy attachment to a woman who no longer wants you as her sexual partner. You, not her, are wanting affection.

Quote
She originally wanted to meet during the first weeks of S, but I said it is better to take a break due to the emotions involved after her moving out. She didn't like that at all, but accepted it.


Note: Don't mistake her not liking it to mean you messed up. If you DB correctly, she won't like it, but she'll accept it and will even begin to feel some respect for you.

Quote
I understand the idea of NC and working on oneself rather than focusing on the other person, just wondering how the 180 view is on such a situation?


The 180 view is to go NC! You are trying to find loopholes and excuses to continue your soft, beta, nice-guy history. Sorry, but it's just unattractive to a wife. Why on earth would you be affectionate with someone who doesn't want to be anymore than a pal?

The biggest jolt she could experience right now is to lose you as a friend. She has to realize you will be no part of her life in any capacity. Frankly, I think this will be harder for you than for your W.

You are eat up with NGS, and are willing to accept living in the friend zone just so you can see her once in a while. frown Your mission has been to avoid upsetting her, which means her feelings have been the center of your focus.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Hi FL. I echo what everyone else here has said. Find another yoga class. Go dark. Do NOT be her Plan B. You want to be someone’s Plan A and you will never be hers if you allow her to friend zone you like this. Reading her message to you reminded me of a few messages I have sent to ex-boyfriends. It is the kind of message you send someone when you want to avoid drama and you are hoping things just naturally fade away while you look at other options. Trust me, when you write something like that, you have NO intention of getting back together with that person. Do NOT doubt this FL. This is a let-him-down-easy message that minimizes her guilt. Do not go along with it. Take back control and go NC. This is your only real hope of saving your marriage but more importantly, of saving yourself. It does get better. Just keep the focus on you and living your best life. (((HUGS)))


Me 53
H 48
B/G Twins 13
SD 21
Legal SA - January 2019
Divorce filed - June 2019
Divorce final - November 2019

Together 14 years
Married 12 years
BD1 - May 2014
BD2 - September 14, 2018

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