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https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2906859#Post2906859


Quick update :


Divorce has been filed for about a month.

NC with STBXW.


Things I need help with and things I'm working through in IC.

1. The rage that comes from some of the memories I have of her and AP.
(Going out on dates while I was still in the house, spending the night away knowing I was home and most likely crushed, graphic emails I saw of her praising their sex.) A big part of my anger here is at myself for not immediately walking away.

2. The mental anguish of trying to reconcile the woman I married and the person who my STBXW has proven herself to be.

3. Feeling extremely emasculated and ashamed. (stems from my wife's affair and the constant thought of feeling like I lost my wife to another man and he was somehow better than I was)

4. Reconciling my idea of love. ( previously : unconditional, selfless, all in.) (now: conditional, balanced, trust).
This is somewhat saddening as I do believe the love I had for my wife was something I will never be able to give again. Which is probably a good thing. Although that love was so filling, natural and easy for me to give. I'm not saying I wont love again or claiming I've given up on love, Just that I don't think I will ever love someone the way I loved my STBXW.

5. Missing my wife, best friend and companion. Mourning and letting go of the dreams and future that went away with my marriage. ( Again see #2. I don't miss what was there, I miss what I thought our relationship and marriage were.)

6. Extreme illogical anxiety, feeling like I'm doing something wrong or feeling like my STBXW knows how much im struggling and sees me as weak. (This is illogical because I am completely NC with my wife and the only person I still talk to about the sitch are my parents.) Even though I know its illogical I cant shake the feeling.

All in all, I feel like I am struggling a lot and although some things are going okay my wife is constantly on my mind and I just want to erase it. I feel okay some days but other days I really struggle and I feel very disappointed in myself for being this broken even 7 months later. I feel so different as a person. I think I'm more driven, more disciplined and more educated in the area of relationships but i feel like I'm missing a part of myself or a part of me is broken and I'm trying to fix it. ( quick edit: I'm more driven and disciplined pertains to all other areas of life, not relationships. A new relationship is the last thing on my mind. )

Some things that are going well:

1. Continued IC.
2. Continued daily gym and steady diet (down to 8% body fat).
3. Received a promotion at work. (I've been working a lot of overtime).
4. Seeing friends and family multiple times a week.
5. Doing really well in school.
6.



I'm looking for some real advice here because I truly believe I am doing some of the right things but its been 7 months and my heart hurts a lot. Daily. I feel like part of me died along with my marriage.

Thanks for any suggestions,
Indy

Last edited by Indy470; 01/02/21 06:26 PM.
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Everything I read and learned in IC said you have to go through the pain. It's part of the healing process. There are no shodtcuts, and trying to get around the pain usually creates more problems (addiction, new toxic relationships, unwanted pregnancies, etc). This board is full of LBSs that tried to shortcut the pain. You're doing the right things Indy, now you just need to give it time.

I've read and heard others talk about D being similar to the death of a spouse. The grieving is very similar. Let yourself grieve this loss, only you will know when you're finished doing that.

You got this Indy!!


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Steve is absolutely right.

Itís gonna sting for a while and then you will start to feel stronger. And then another wave of pain will come. Rinse wash repeat. Feel all those feelings, Indy. Donít run from them because you can deal with them now, or you can deal with them later.

And donít worry about timelines, and beat yourself up for not meeting your internal deadlines. Iíve been 15 months NC with my ex and sometimes I can get caught up ruminating on her again.

Time takes time.

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Man Indy, I feel like i could have written a good bit of your post specifically 4-6. The extreme anxiety is the worst. Iím not sure that itís illogical, there is something unsettling to the mind when your future is disrupted I such a way.

I was talking with a friend of mine who is a great guy and got divorced a year and a half ago; he said that he realizes that he had made his wife the center and purpose of his life. I know I did the same without a doubt. Everything I did for the last twenty years was with her in mind, trying to create the best life and best future for her. I wonder if that resonates with you?

Iím now struggling to come up with my purpose. I think if i can find a way to get focused on that, maybe the anxiety will go away. Some of the stuff Iíve seen in men going through this is interesting, there are a lot of us as women initiate 80% of divorces. Find a brotherhood of good men to hang with if you can. Thatís another idea.

Each day is labor. My IC recommended journaling, not sure if itís helping or not, but every night I answer the question ďWhat was today like?Ē I think the idea is that it gets it out to help me sleep better.

Anyhow, Iíll try to catch up and keep up with you. Good luck brother.

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Wow, Scotty, something you said really stood out to me. Maybe a misuse of words, maybe not.

You said you spent the last 20 years of your life, trying to create the best life and future FOR her. Sheís an adult woman. Her spouse should be building a life WITH her, not FOR her.

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Originally Posted by Scott
4. Reconciling my idea of love. ( previously : unconditional, selfless, all in.) (now: conditional, balanced, trust).
This is somewhat saddening as I do believe the love I had for my wife was something I will never be able to give again. Which is probably a good thing.

5. Mourning and letting go of the dreams and future that went away with my marriage. ( Again see #2. I don't miss what was there, I miss what I thought our relationship and marriage were.)

That's an important distinction--you're mourning fantasies--unconditional love for a non-child, and a future you wanted that didn't align with your partner's goals. Reconciling doesn't bring these back.



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Ginger - I donít think Iím alone. In Michelleís book she talks about how many men make their wife the purpose of their life. Iím going to comment further on my thread.

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Hey Indy Happy New Year I hope you were able to enjoy the holidays!

Originally Posted by Indy470
1. The rage that comes from some of the memories I have of her and AP.
(Going out on dates while I was still in the house, spending the night away knowing I was home and most likely crushed, graphic emails I saw of her praising their sex.) A big part of my anger here is at myself for not immediately walking away.

This you have to cut yourself some slack on. Even the DB book makes you believe that they are in a fog they will snap out of at some point. Which may happen but it is many years down the road.
Originally Posted by Indy470
2. The mental anguish of trying to reconcile the woman I married and the person who my STBXW has proven herself to be.

With time and space you will likely see she has always been this person.
Originally Posted by Indy470
3. Feeling extremely emasculated and ashamed. (stems from my wife's affair and the constant thought of feeling like I lost my wife to another man and he was somehow better than I was)

This feeling is normal. Indy even guys like Brad Pitt get cheated on. It is no reflection on you.
Originally Posted by Indy470
4. Reconciling my idea of love. ( previously : unconditional, selfless, all in.) (now: conditional, balanced, trust). This is somewhat saddening as I do believe the love I had for my wife was something I will never be able to give again. Which is probably a good thing. Although that love was so filling, natural and easy for me to give. I'm not saying I wont love again or claiming I've given up on love, Just that I don't think I will ever love someone the way I loved my STBXW.

You will experience that kind of love again when you have children.
Originally Posted by Indy470
5. Missing my wife, best friend and companion. Mourning and letting go of the dreams and future that went away with my marriage. ( Again see #2. I don't miss what was there, I miss what I thought our relationship and marriage were.)
You miss the life you had. It was comfortable and stable. That is what your brain likes, it doesn't like uncertainty.
Originally Posted by Indy470
6. Extreme illogical anxiety, feeling like I'm doing something wrong or feeling like my STBXW knows how much im struggling and sees me as weak. (This is illogical because I am completely NC with my wife and the only person I still talk to about the sitch are my parents.) Even though I know its illogical I cant shake the feeling.

So she did see you as weak because you were tolerating her bad behavior. This will change in time as/if you continue to show strength by ignoring her future texts and moving on and having an amazing life.
Originally Posted by Indy470
All in all, I feel like I am struggling a lot and although some things are going okay my wife is constantly on my mind and I just want to erase it. I feel okay some days but other days I really struggle and I feel very disappointed in myself for being this broken even 7 months later. I feel so different as a person. I think I'm more driven, more disciplined and more educated in the area of relationships but i feel like I'm missing a part of myself or a part of me is broken and I'm trying to fix it. ( quick edit: I'm more driven and disciplined pertains to all other areas of life, not relationships. A new relationship is the last thing on my mind. )

Be kind to yourself. This will take a really long time for you to completely get over and that's normal.


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Originally Posted by Indy470

3. Feeling extremely emasculated and ashamed. (stems from my wife's affair and the constant thought of feeling like I lost my wife to another man and he was somehow better than I was)


WAW's often "affair down". It's probably because they are seeking the attention they felt was missing in the M, so if they seek out someone below them on the desirability scale then they will find a person that will lavish them with attention. It's not so much a reflection on you as it is what she thinks she needs in a relationship.

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4. Reconciling my idea of love.


I think this is a required part of recovery. A lot of us went into our marriages very naÔve. We thought it was "forever", that we had found our "soulmate", that what God joins together is sacred and a bond that will never be broken. I know I believed those things. And now I don't. Relationships take a lot of constant hard work to maintain. Most of us ended up here because we went on autopilot and thought that was OK. It's not.

We also need to maintain our independence, a lot of us were too codependent in marriage. Some codependency is expected and even healthy for a M, but you've got to maintain your sense of "self" as well. My therapist said once "I really hate that phrase 'you complete me', it implies someone can't be whole without a companion." She made the point that no one can be in a healthy relationship unless they are a "complete" person themselves.

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Mourning and letting go of the dreams and future that went away with my marriage.


After BD I really began to understand that saying "life is what happens while you are making plans for something else." It is so true! Just when we think we have everything worked out, some catastrophic event pops up to remind us that we are really not in control of our destinies. Not completely anyway. So plan, but also learn to accept the speed bumps.

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All in all, I feel like I am struggling a lot


But that's normal! This is a big life-changing event. Of course you will struggle with it. It takes a lot of time before your "new normal" is established. So I am about 10 years post BD. Not only did life hand me that big change, but around the same time one D went to college, and shortly after the other did. It was a lot of changes in a short amount of time. So not only did I struggle with losing my W, but also the kids I had that were suddenly adults. It was overwhelming. You struggle, you grieve, you accept and you move on with your life. Eventually it's your "new normal" and you settle into it. When I came here I was a hot mess. Have never been so despondent in my life. I remember people saying "it will get better" and thinking "no it will never get better! They don't know what I am going through!" But they were right, it did get better. Now my old life seems like distant memories, my "new normal" is so much different than that but very fulfilling in completely different ways. Ironically now that I'm established, if XW were to suddenly want to recon that would be very hard for me to wrap my head around, because THAT would flip my "normal life" upside down.

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and although some things are going okay my wife is constantly on my mind and I just want to erase it.


When you have some time read The Happiness Trap. It'll give you tools to deal with this. Like Steve said, the shortest path to recovery is THROUGH grief not around it. Don't erase or push away or bury your feelings. Acknowledge them, own them, let them happen.

Quote
I feel okay some days but other days I really struggle and I feel very disappointed in myself for being this broken even 7 months later.


There's no timeline on grief recovery. You're not on a schedule, you'll get there when you get there. I've mentioned this before but about a year after BD I thought I was fine again. Then 6 months later I realized I had been far from fine, but I was fine then. And 6 months later.... yeah I realized I STILL had not been back to a healthy place. For most of us it doesn't take months to get well, it takes years. It happens slowly over time. You can't rush it!


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Im sorry you are struggling Indy.

All i can say that its normal to do so. 9 months in here and things are good, as in when i think about 6 months ago or even 2 months ago, i realise how far i have come. How steady i am now and like AS every time i look back i realise that im making progress almost without realising it because life does go on. We have very little say in what happens in our lives in terms of events, sudden changes, what we do have control over is how we respond to them. I did not expect to be in this position 10 months ago, but hey im here and looking back this so needed to happen. Im a different person, still me, just a better version.

Indy when you have kids, you will experience love, the kind of love where the more you put in, the more you love, its will be unconditional, because you will love your kids when they throw tantrums, have meltdowns, they might even tell you they hate you at some point, but you will love them with no conditions. Love for another adult is so so different, it is full of conditions that we set out, full of needs thAt we desire to be met by another person.

When you read this in a couple of months you will see progress, there will still be things that bother you, but there will be less of them. Read your first thread, dont you think you have done so well dealing with all of this? I do!

Dont be too hard on yourself, on the days when i want to cry, i do just that-cry. On the days i want to put my earphones in and go for a walk to clear my head i do just that. Dont suppress your emotions, let them be in a safe place.

Life is pretty amazing you know, i teach my children daily to notice the little things, the sun, the moon, the beautiful sky. I tell them everyday before school that they will have a good day because they can make their day good regardless of what happens.

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