I like to think that I'm a pretty good Dad and I used to think that having a kid around would be nice. I'm nearly 57 and I've raised my kids. I like the idea of grandkids. Have them for a few days and then send them back. But the every day grind of raising a kid - no thanks. Especially a younger one. I'm a fairly healthy middle-aged guy but if someone were to come into my life with for example a 6 year-old that means I would be 70 before they would be launched.
Originally Posted by Ginger1
So a woman who is looking for someone to travel with actually means that they want someone else to foot the bill?
The reality of the world especially in this rural area is that many middle-aged women were stay at home Moms or at the very least baby-tracked their career. They don't have a depth of savings for a comfortable retirement nor the cash flow to afford a lot of extras. There are exceptions of course but the photos in the OLD apps of women waving drinks on beaches and identifying their interests as travel and the beach weren't traveling on their own. Take my own ex for example. We used to go away for a couple of weeks every year to an all-inclusive resort and then a week or so of other travel every year. Her last trip of that sort was 5 years ago when she emptied our joint savings and went off with OM to the Caribbean. Now they occasionally go to a KOA campground. She's a capable person but has diddly retirement savings and if she is working now (doubtful) she's pulling in just over minimum wage part time. She did get down to San Diego at the beginning of the pandemic but would have stayed with our daughter. As a bit of gossip from what I gathered she refused to isolate when she got back and ended up losing her job over it.
Originally Posted by Ginger1
What would you want in a woman? What do you enjoy that you would like to enjoy with them?
Going meow. And watching them sleeping in patches of sunshine or on my lap. 4 legs and fur. Oh - and neutered. And even that I'm not ready for.
For now at least I'm rather jaded. I used to think that finding someone better than my ex-wife was a fairly low bar but now I'm not so sure. And I am rather paranoid about being taken advantage of again. I have a comfortable life and am rather set in my ways and I now have doubts about how much I would be willing to be flexible on. I gave up and lost a "lot" in this most recent relationship and got essentially nothing in return. A bit of booty from time to time is nice but it's not worth the price that I paid. And is something that I know I can do without. I can cook, clean and even fold a fitted sheet so I don't need someone to take care of me. I have a decent income so I don't need another paycheque to cover the mortgage.
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For those who are playing the home game my "haggis" turned out ok. I accidentally used the full amount of spices for the half-batch that I made. Certainly something I will try again though especially since I have another 1/2 lb of ground lamb in the freezer still to use up. I also learned that with this recipe at least that getting all the ingredients prepared ahead of time and staged is important. I had to slow down / speed up various parts of the dinner to get it all out more or less at the same time. S18 didn't have any haggis but he did try the turnip which he said he' never had before. He only had a small nibble of it but though it was ok. He also had a small drizzle of the whisky sauce (the alcohol gets all burned off during the flambé) and thought it was fine.
He's a fan of my meatloaf and said that his prior experience with it plus the stereotype is that meatloaf is horrible and so is happy to know that he can enjoy it. I think that he's ok with the concept of haggis as well even though he probably never will try it. I only subjected him to 4 or 5 verses of poetry for dinner. Not sure he's a fan.
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I do have the kids' Valentines cards ready to mail today. I'm putting in a memory stick with a computer backup in the one to my daughter so that she can update her backups there. It's nice to know that if anything bad were to happen that all of that information plus all the pictures etc are safe.
Should be an "interesting" week.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
For now at least I'm rather jaded. I used to think that finding someone better than my ex-wife was a fairly low bar but now I'm not so sure.
Why because two failed relationships where you jumped the gun?
Originally Posted by AndrewP
And I am rather paranoid about being taken advantage of again.
That will not likely happen again if you take things slow, listen to the board and open your eyes.
Originally Posted by AndrewP
I have a comfortable life and am rather set in my ways and I now have doubts about how much I would be willing to be flexible on.
I think you are bullsh@ting yourself here and the problem is you become too flexible.
Originally Posted by AndrewP
I gave up and lost a "lot" in this most recent relationship and got essentially nothing in return.
That will not likely happen again if you take things slow, listen to the board and open your eyes.
Originally Posted by AndrewP
A bit of booty from time to time is nice but it's not worth the price that I paid.
It would be cheaper to go to the Sundowner. Ask for Angel and tell her you know LH19 personally.
Originally Posted by AndrewP
And is something that I know I can do without. I can cook, clean and even fold a fitted sheet so I don't need someone to take care of me. I have a decent income so I don't need another paycheque to cover the mortgage.
So you are actually in a good place if you are being honest and don't need someone.Date many women and take it really slow.
Last edited by job; 01/25/2104:27 PM. Reason: edited language
EVERYONE has baggage, so if you are looking for someone who doesn't, I would suggest finding a nice nun who has decided she no longer wants to be a nun because that is about the only way you are going to find someone who doesn't have baggage in some form or another. It isn't just women with younger kids who have baggage, older kids can be baggage too. I would certainly not say I'm baggage free, having been divorced and having 3 albeit adult daughters. They still have drama and issues that I still have to help with so their baggage becomes mine and vice versa on occasion. My point here is that kids are not the only baggage one carries and that word gets tossed around with very negative connotations, but the fact of the matter is we are all mature, experienced people, so yes, there is a fair amount of baggage that comes along with each and every person. How a person handles their baggage is the true test. S didn't handle hers at all, but shuffled it to others to handle. You handle yours pretty well, for the most part. I think assuming you will find someone with absolutely no baggage is setting yourself up for failure. Children are NOT the only form of baggage people carry. Just remember that. And, I get it, a young child would be a no-go for you. I feel the same way. But, even if you found a woman with no children at all or only adult children, that would NOT mean that there aren't other issues with that person.
I would just caution you to take things SLOW. Don't be in a rush to go back to dating sites or to dating in general, for that matter. Take some time to heal. I kind of agree with LH in that if you are being honest with yourself about not needing someone then kind of live with that and be in that place for awhile. You are a catch, Andrew! You are self-sufficient, independent, nice looking, make a decent living, own a home, are well read, like to travel, can cook and clean up after yourself. You don't need to rush and take on the first female that seems to have a pulse that beats a little quicker for your good qualities. Take time and let things happen more naturally. If you think you are ready to date or need to date or whatever, then proceed with caution. Let them woo you and prove their worth to you, not the other way around. You say you are set in your ways........honey, I'm a strong, loud, stubborn, redneck, southern woman and I have been set in my ways since I came screaming into this world 50 years and 5 days ago, so I get it, but that isn't a bad thing. You'll know you have found the right one when you find someone who accepts your ways as they are and allows you to fit into her ways and tries to fit into yours as well. Sparky and I are both stubborn people, but we compromise with each other on a lot of things. If there is something I KNOW he is really passionate about, I give in. If there is something he knows I'm really passionate about, he gives in. We aren't perfect and I'm not trying to say we are, but when you find that right person to share your time with, they will be accepting of your set ways and try to find a way to work with you and fit in with them.
As I was typing this, the "tag line" at the bottom of LH's post caught my attention and really stuck out to me: “Don't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.”- Will Smith You are old-fashioned and you want to be the pursuer. You are a rescuer and you want to help those damsels in distress, so this might be hard for you, but really, take some time to sit back and think about what you REALLY want in a partner. She's out there somewhere and I promise she'll have less baggage than S who had several truckloads. and some that I would well imagine you haven't even discovered yet. Be careful, Andrew. Proceed with caution!
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
Her last trip of that sort was 5 years ago when she emptied our joint savings and went off with OM to the Caribbean. Now they occasionally go to a KOA campground.
Karma is a Biatch!
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As a bit of gossip from what I gathered she refused to isolate when she got back and ended up losing her job over it.
She's the queen of poor choices, isn't she?
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The reality of the world especially in this rural area is that many middle-aged women were stay at home Moms or at the very least baby-tracked their career. They don't have a depth of savings for a comfortable retirement nor the cash flow to afford a lot of extras.
Someone widowed, or divorced from someone with a good pension or assets, or perhaps retired from a good state job with a pension like a teacher, and astute enough with her money to have stayed out of debt would be a good fit for you. Really all you need is someone who can live within their means, whatever those means are, and who will be able to pay their bills out of whatever retirement they get. More important than the absolute dollar amount is that they know how to keep their expenditures within their budget.
CMM was a good earner most of his working life, but also a spender. Add in his divorce and a year of disability soon after due to a very bad knee injury, and he's got nothing but his social security. It's enough to pay his bills and living expenses given that he has free rent with me, but he'd be in a world of hurt without that, as rents in our area would eat up 1/2 to 2/3 of his SS check. And honestly, he spends so much on groceries (through Costco, but still - steaks, scallops, wine by the case, etc etc) that even though he pays 2/3 of the grocery bill and I only end up paying about 1/3, I'm sure I would still save on groceries once he's gone, because my tastes are not nearly as expensive.
I know you thought that's what you were getting in S - someone who knew how to stretch a dollar - and were sorely disappointed. I'm not sure how best to figure that out early in the dating game - I'm not sure you can - but looking for the clues is a good idea.
I've been in kind of the same position as you - not needing anybody else's financial contribution, but not in a position to subsidize them except in so far as housing costs me no more to have them here.
And yes, adult children can still be baggage - look at my two still living with me! But overall, less stressful than raising younger kids I think. AND, you don't need to live with anybody! Lots of women your age would be happy to have a date occasionally, an occasional booty call, someone to accompany them to events like concerts, or to travel with, once the world rights itself.
How far is the nearest city? Dating someone an hour away is certainly do-able if the expectations are limited to the above. And maybe you'd have a bigger pool to choose from. For right now, though, you need to take a break I think. Get your house in order (literally!) and focus on your friendships.
(BTW so far not one guy I have dated has had his act together financially. It does seem to be a problem with baby boomers. The guy who ran his own extermination business had been getting paid under the counter for years and owed tons of back taxes - and I suspect his social security check will be minimal because of it. The guy who owned the restaurant and owned the fourplex he and his kids lived in, let his insurance lapse and lost his business lease after a plumbing leak affected the business downstairs. Crazy ex-boyfriend kept losing all he had worked for in manic episodes. Unfortunately, successful men my age are either mostly married, or dating younger. You will be a catch for stable women in their 50's because you are financially stable and won't be a drain on them.)
For now at least I'm rather jaded. I used to think that finding someone better than my ex-wife was a fairly low bar but now I'm not so sure. And I am rather paranoid about being taken advantage of again. I have a comfortable life and am rather set in my ways and I now have doubts about how much I would be willing to be flexible on. I gave up and lost a "lot" in this most recent relationship and got essentially nothing in return. A bit of booty from time to time is nice but it's not worth the price that I paid. And is something that I know I can do without. I can cook, clean and even fold a fitted sheet so I don't need someone to take care of me. I have a decent income so I don't need another paycheque to cover the mortgage.
Some great comments and advice so far, most I would agree with. But I’m actually happy to read this from you. Sure, you’ve likely overcorrected some but at least you’ve taken off those rose colored glasses that got you into this recent mess. Yes, finding someone to replace a former someone is a whole lot harder now than it was 20 or 30 years ago. I know I’m more picky and jaded, not willing to give up more. Many out there are just like your ex W or even worse, otherwise they’d likely still be married. I know that if I’m ever fortunate enough to find a match I’ll do all I can to make it work because they are so far and few between. I think you thinking it would easy was part of the problem. It’s not. It’s extremely difficult. So you’ll come back to center in time. For now an over correction to the other side is good.
As LH said, like five times, listen to those here who try to help you. As Dawn said, slow down. As KML said, they don’t have to move in. They don't have to be an everyday thing. They don’t even need to live 10 minutes away. I think these are all new concepts to you.
First off I think you still need to figure out what YOU want in an R with someone. You’ve never really done that. Make a list and then follow it. No, not everyone will check every box and that’s okay. But did S or B check any of your boxes? Certainly not many. But if you have no boxes to check how could they? Then TAKE YOUR TIME. It’s okay to just date.
It’s hard to teach an old dog new tricks and old habits are hard to break. My fear is you’ll be off to the races with anyone who shows you a little attention or says she likes you. The bar needs to be higher. You’ve been asked I’ll bet a dozen times, what do you want Andrew? What are you looking for. You’ve never been able to answer. I strongly suggest you not go on a single date until you have those answers. If you don’t even know what you want, how can you proceed? Please think about this. Take as much time as you need. Just don’t go on a single date until you know what you want.
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
I still think you could benefit from at minimum half a dozen IC sessions, not stopping at one. The issue isn't the women you attract. The issue is your attraction back to unsuitable mates, and what that does to you long term. This is something that will keep repeating ad infinitum until you thoroughly address it, IMHO.
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
I agree... I'd love to see a list of what you're looking for in a partner. Not your next kitty! I'm sure we all have some ideas of what would be on that list, but it needs to come from you.
Here's some ideas to get you started!
-attraction -financially independent/stable -no kids under 18? 21? living at home? -ability to hold meaningful conversations -willingness to compromise -similar waking hours -enjoys walks around the neighborhood. or even someone who is OK with you going for walks to take care of yourself and she will encourage that rather than discourage it. -no pets... or must take proper care of pets. but definitely needs to be a cat lover/cat tolerant!
I agree... I'd love to see a list of what you're looking for in a partner. Not your next kitty! I'm sure we all have some ideas of what would be on that list, but it needs to come from you.
Here's some ideas to get you started!
-attraction -financially independent/stable -no kids under 18? 21? living at home? -ability to hold meaningful conversations -willingness to compromise -similar waking hours -enjoys walks around the neighborhood. or even someone who is OK with you going for walks to take care of yourself and she will encourage that rather than discourage it. -no pets... or must take proper care of pets. but definitely needs to be a cat lover/cat tolerant!
It's a topic that we've covered a few times on my thread I know. The core thing is a kind heart. But yes - I need to take on board what I "don't" want as well as what I do. job and kml gave me a good list after I split from B. I think that the key take-away is though is that just because a person is interested in me doesn't mean that they would be a good partner for me. They may even have fairly pure motives but have just been over-awed with my charm and savoir faire.
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What a day! I am in a lot of pain right now. I slipped on the ice and landed hard on my keester. My right knee and left shoulder are going to be sore for a while. I can't bend my right leg for stairs so mobility will be lower for a while.
S and S18's dad were supposed to be here at 11. So of course they never showed up until about 12:30. 1 full load with the van and 2 loads with the trailer were required. The second load being essentially just the rabbit hutch. I slipped in between load 1 and 2.
I was weird being there because my ex-wife's house is literally 3 doors down. I could see her car and front porch as we unloaded.
Overall it went smoothly and there was zero drama. Of her own volition, S gave me back her key. Personally I thought it reasonable that she have a key to a place where her son lived. She also was very aware that I now have a security system.
S18's dad - (XH#2 or 3 depending on how you count) is a decent enough chap and one of those skinny people who seem to have boundless energy. He did a lot of the actual carrying.
It turns out that the rabbit hutch doesn't fit in S18's new place so his Dad just bought him a replacement commercial one. Not until after he, S18 and S18's buddy / new room-mate struggled to get it in the house and up the stairs. I made it clear that after it was deposited on the new house's front porch that my job was done and they mucked around with it for a while. It "almost" fit but was about 6" too big to get around one of the corners. One section could be sawn off and perhaps that's what will happen.
I made a point of thanking S for "being decent" about this whole thing which in my mind she has been. There has been no finger pointing to speak of, nor drama. I did let her know that if her son needed someone local that he could call me and that I would probably also be finding stuff left behind that would be sent along although she did a second sweep and there's probably not much.
A couple of "truth darts" / "snarky comments" were made by S which was fair. She asked if 20S had the same deadline as her to get her stuff out of the house. She also mentioned a few times "I hope you enjoy your space". This big ole house certainly looks mighty empty especially I'm sure to a hoarder. And to be honest, it is. I chose to take the comments superficially and not take any sort of offense and said that yes - I was looking forward to the space and quiet. If that supports her personal narrative about men who have lived in their house for a long period of time being inflexible and poor partners then so be it.
In other bits of info, the cat it seems wasn't going with S18 as there were concerns that the dog living where he's moving to might not be understanding. So it's moving in with S. "And" it turns out the multiple dogs that are living with her which can be translated to mean that her daughter, daughter's boyfriend and their dog are living with her, something that was reflected in a recent social media post. That came up because I had a large heavy water dish that I offered to S which she happily accepted because it seems that "the dogs" were going through a lot of water and spilling. I'm not surprised and I know that if we had stayed a couple that her daughter, boyfriend and dog would have found many reasons on why they should be moving in here. I hate to think what the state of the carpets are because it was both dogs who soiled the ones here.
It also appears that S's S13 is staying with his Dad at least now. So he has a "very" strong case for ending support which will be a kick in the cashflow for S as child support was probably 85% of her income.
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So - it's just me now. A single soul in this big ole' house. Not even my "girls" to keep me company.
I have some chaos to sort through in the next number of days - things pulled out while S's S18 packed and S sorted through yet another van-load of stuff. I have old rugs to lift up, floors to carefully damp mop and new rugs to put down. I have decisions to make. None of them urgent about how I'm going to adapt this house to be a more comfortable home for me. I have my own son to reach out to, to let him know that the "noise" that was here is now gone and that he is more than welcome to come here regularly. It bothered me that he avoided this place, not that I blame him at all.
And I have liniment to find and to try to rub on the back of my left shoulder.
And finally - I have a day's worth of work to sort through. There's some juggling to be done - I have a set of customers desperate for product who sent me containers that have passed their expiry. I have 3 custom orders - one of which I'm sort of pushing because it fits into my schedule to sort out. I have to be trained on some tools and reports that manage inventory at one of our refinery partners so that my co-worker can go on vacation.
I do believe though that first, it's beer o'clock and time to fill up the tub. Can't relax for too long as I need to be at my desk for probably 6:30 tomorrow to get all the balls needing to be juggled into the air. So early to bed in a house where the only other movement is my new surveillance camera panning the street. And the barnyard scent of all the critters slowly fades.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
OMG! Peace and quiet at last! I am so very sorry that you fell and hurt yourself. Do take it easy for a while. The clean up can wait a day or so. I'm sure you'll enjoy your home once again when you are feeling a bit better. The "girls" may not be there with you, but at least your son will now come over and visit and who knows...he just might be inclined to help you fix up the place.
As for being on your own, you can always adopt another cat at some point. But for now, you've got to take care of yourself and get that barnyard smell out of your home.
Andrew, you did everything you could to keep things together.
Please take care of yourself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
