New Beginnings Pt 2

[CanBird]

Previous Thread

It's still Christmas. The morning was all about D4 opening her presents. All mommy wanted was hugs and D4 delivered said, " You can have the hugs you want, and unwrap them with your heart." She says the sweetest things. Wise beyond her years for sure.

We did a quick video chat with MIL and extended family. And to my surprise, XH and D4 got to video chat. XH tried calling twice, but it was through an APP so I was not alerted to the call. Then he left a 9 sec video message. D4 watched it and did not want to call back or video back. I normally would not care, but because it's Christmas, I encouraged her to send him a thank you video. She did, and I think it was 7 secs. Then, I accidently video called XH. He picked up right away before I could hang up, so he & D4 chatted.

It was hard to listen in & watch XH. I had to hold the phone, as D4 isn't quite capable of doing it, without hanging up. I couldn't help but analyze every little detail. And then, I thought....none of this matters. It really doesn't matter. So what if you hear clinging dishes being cleared or maybe placed on a table. So what if the couch he's sitting on is old, and the shirt he's wearing is fleece. So what if it's daylight. None of these things matter. He's not here. He reached out to D4, that's all that should matter and nothing else. That is the BIG part of the picture, D4 and her dad talked on Christmas.

After D4 talked to her dad, we went to a friends for the rest of the afternoon, and we are just getting home now. It was nice to be out of our house and now we are home and I'm feeling that bit of emptiness I was hoping I wouldn't feel. It's up to me to shake off that feeling. Let it come and let it go. Remember the things that made you smile today.

[DnJ]

Good Morning Can

I am glad you accidentally video called XH. You know what, let’s go with it might have been something more, something else, a little nudge from fate or...

It was hard to listen in & watch XH. I had to hold the phone, as D4 isn't quite capable of doing it, without hanging up. I couldn't help but analyze every little detail. And then, I thought....none of this matters. It really doesn't matter. So what if you hear clinging dishes being cleared or maybe placed on a table. So what if the couch he's sitting on is old, and the shirt he's wearing is fleece. So what if it's daylight. None of these things matter. He's not here. He reached out to D4, that's all that should matter and nothing else. That is the BIG part of the picture, D4 and her dad talked on Christmas.

You are so correct. The BIG picture, D4 and daddy talking on Christmas. A little girl’s unknown and unspoken Christmas wish answered.

I’m sure you’ve prayed for peace and guidance. Fate sometimes intercedes and gives us an opportunity. “And then, I thought...”. You did good, really good Can. So what if he wears a certain shirt, or is clang dishes; he is not here. However, he was there for D4, and that matters.

You are good person Can.

Hearts and thoughts is excellent. And enough (for now) age appropriate explanation for D4. When she asks further, you can explain further.

I totally understand how your friends anger bleeds into you. The forgiving path is such a rarity to those who have never walked this kind of thing before. I too have had many people wonder in amazement at how I could not be mad as h3ll.

I see it like you said, an addiction or not in their right frame of mind. Both of those are rather obvious for a person dragged into the dark from a midlife crisis. It’s a matter of culpability or in this case non-culpability.

The MLCer is guilt and blame-worthy of their choices and actions. However, none of those are do to you. What our MLC spouse does has very little to do with us. They are lashing out and running from long ago emotional torments. No point being mad and angry at them for something that actually doesn’t even include us in the equation except as their target since they cannot look within. Still, a big pill to swallow.

That does not give them a free pass, nor freedom from a future admonishment, nor frees them from restitution. It does free you from feelings/beliefs of retribution and holding a grudge.

Shine your light and bleed your views and your forgiveness into your friends. Find that strength. It is incredible, and so very very worth it.

D

[CanBird]

I need to contact XH asap. I spoke to a Loan Consultant today, and moving forward, getting my ducks in a row.
Have no idea if these ducks will swim or sink, but I need to line them up before they go in the water.


This is what I've drafted up, to send XH....


Hi


Forbearance period is ending.  Without authorization there is no way for me to take any action. 

I want to stay in the house. D4 needs a home. It will be a struggle, but I will try to do whatever I can for D4.

Need to know what to do, how  to bring/make the mortgage payments current. Go back to regular payments.

From there, once the mortgage is no longer in forbearance, we can talk more about plans and moving forward. 



Sound okay? I need XH to make this happen. To make calls to end forbearance on the mortgage.


It's just business.... it's just business.... it's just business....(repeat)

[may22]

Hi CB,

Can you ask him to do what you want him to do specifically? Reading what you've written, it sounds a bit like you don't know what to do and are relying on him to help you figure it out. Don't you just need him to fill out a form or something to give you authorization like you had with your previous lender? Can you say something more like:

Dear XH,

Forbearance period is ending. Without authorization there is no way for me to take any action.

I want to stay in the house. D4 needs a home. It will be a struggle, but I will try to do whatever I can is necessary for D4.

Need to know what to do, how to bring/make the mortgage payments current. Go back to regular payments.

Maybe instead something like: Will you please call (XX) at (XXX_XXXX) and (give authorization or whatever you need him to do) so that I can negotiate with the lender? (Maybe add, I will share our options with you so that we can make a decision together if you think that would be necessary, or also ask him if he has any thoughts about how he'd like to handle the previous payments, or whatever, if it truly needs to be a joint decision.)

From there, once the mortgage is no longer in forbearance, we can talk more about plans and moving forward.

Basically, I'd just recommend asking him for exactly what you want him to do. I think the last thing you want to do is make him feel responsible for helping you figure this out, because that may impact his willingness to let you buy him out of the property. I'd do everything I could right now to communicate how competent and thorough you are, so that when the time comes that you can offer him a payout, either a lump sum or a series of payments, that he's confident you're good for it. If it seems like the house is going to be a PITA from his perspective, my guess is that would push him to just want to sell.

I haven't ever done anything like this myself, so absolutely defer to the advice of others who have walked this path either in buyouts or in communicating with absent MLCers... but that is my two cents!

D4 is so sweet... hope you guys are enjoying the week!

[CanBird]

Hi may22,

I made some adjustments to my email and sent it off. I couldn't wait any longer. I should have taken action on this sooner, however, knowing XH, he wouldn't have gotten around to it until the last minute anyway.

[DnJ]

Hello Can

Giving the urgency - call XH.

Keep it simple and direct. Do not ask for what he thinks you should do. Politely and factually tell him - “The mortgage’s forbearance period is ending. You need to fill out and send in the authorization paperwork for me to make mortgages payments and the required changes.”

If he doesn’t answer, or won’t, send him the same thing.

Do not bring D4 into this, nor tell him how much a struggle it is or will be, nor ask if this ok, nor what he wants to do, and not that we will discuss other plans going forward. Keep it straight forward, as he will get easily off course with extraneous information or problems.

He had his chance. This is business - and you need to protect you and D4. Remember he has the memory and focus of a gnat and his empathy chip is broken.

Hopefully he will complete the paperwork. However, this is a short term solution. Yes, you and he do need to figure out how to split the house asset. Get this settled and get more and more months behind you, get more and more of your own financial history, and get to the point where you can buy him out if that’s what you want.

D

[CanBird]

Duck #1 has to do with the loan consultant. Happy to share my credit score is REALLY good. I had no idea what is was. How could I not know? I've never needed to know. Always paid bills/debts when due. Try to use only 1 card, and use others when necessary (i.e. Online card for online purchases, discount card at that certain store...etc etc)

Any way, good news there. We'll see how the rest of the plan goes. I've got other homework to do in that department.

Duck #2 is XH and getting out of forbearance. I need authorization from him (in the way of a form) to take any action with the forbearance on the mortgage. Neither of us can do any thing until it's made current and regular payments start up. This is not the first attempt at asking XH to take action.

Let us pray.

[CanBird]

Hello Can

Giving the urgency - call XH.

Keep it simple and direct. Do not ask for what he thinks you should do. Politely and factually tell him - “The mortgage’s forbearance period is ending. You need to fill out and send in the authorization paperwork for me to make mortgages payments and the required changes.”

If he doesn’t answer, or won’t, send him the same thing.

Do not bring D4 into this, nor tell him how much a struggle it is or will be, nor ask if this ok, nor what he wants to do, and not that we will discuss other plans going forward. Keep it straight forward, as he will get easily off course with extraneous information or problems.

He had his chance. This is business - and you need to protect you and D4. Remember he has the memory and focus of a gnat and his empathy chip is broken.

Hopefully he will complete the paperwork. However, this is a short term solution. Yes, you and he do need to figure out how to split the house asset. Get this settled and get more and more months behind you, get more and more of your own financial history, and get to the point where you can buy him out if that’s what you want.

D

Hi DnJ,

This is an urgent matter I agree. Usual contact with XH has been via msg APP, email or text. I left a typed msg on each.
We'll see if I get a response. If I don't hear from him by tomorrow afternoon, then I will call.

The email I sent was more to the point (simple & direct keeping it business), and always polite. I did not put any thing about it being a struggle, but I did mention D4 It's her house too. I'm hoping he realizes that is why I mentioned her.

I'm trying to remain in control of what I can. There is power in that. Need to write that & read it more often.

"Remain in control.... There's power in that."

And now for some DEEP BREATHING

BIG DEEP inhale..... "Remain in control....
BIG LONG exhale... "There's power in that"

[DnJ]

Hi Can

Congratulations on the excellent credit score. Duck #1 all lined up.

...but I did mention D4 It's her house too. I'm hoping he realizes that is why I mentioned her.

I understand the idea of attempting to appeal to XH’s compassionate side; she’s his daughter for goodness sake. However, broken empathy chip - he didn’t even know when he would call her. My caution to you, was so not to get your expectations up.

Also, and I’m not being mean, it’s not D4’s house. It is her home. It is your’s and XH’s house. Be business-minded. XH is a tangle of crazy emotions and not reacting rationally. The extra pressure from his realization that this will affect D4 could shoot him off in any direction. By the way, do you really think he forgot that she lives there? He might be trying too (and of course failing). When driven by emotions, it is hard to predict what will happen.

When working to negotiate or get a MLCer to preform or accomplish a certain task, it is usually best to limit the extra stuff. In this case, probably no big deal, and it could very well help. I was only suggesting a more conservative approach, with hopefully less risks. The only thing XH is doing is delays things is all.

You got this Can.

D

[CanBird]

Hi Can

Congratulations on the excellent credit score. Duck #1 all lined up.

Hi DnJ,

Thank you for the credit score congrats & for always being a great cheerleader. I really appreciate hearing from you.

...but I did mention D4 It's her house too. I'm hoping he realizes that is why I mentioned her.

I understand the idea of attempting to appeal to XH’s compassionate side; she’s his daughter for goodness sake. However, broken empathy chip - he didn’t even know when he would call her. My caution to you, was so not to get your expectations up.

When dealing with XH/MLCer, expectations are always at zero. Training my brain to expect nothing from XH has been challenging in the beginning, being that I try to be an optimistic and always try to find the good in everyone. However, XH is not who he was. This is not someone that thinks rationally.

The memory of who someone was, is just that. A memory. It isn't who they are presently.

Also, and I’m not being mean, it’s not D4’s house. It is her home. It is your’s and XH’s house. Be business-minded. XH is a tangle of crazy emotions and not reacting rationally. The extra pressure from his realization that this will affect D4 could shoot him off in any direction. By the way, do you really think he forgot that she lives there? He might be trying too (and of course failing). When driven by emotions, it is hard to predict what will happen.

Oh gosh, I would never take any thing you say as mean. You are any thing but that. ((( )))

Yes, the home is were D4 lives. The house is property, that I & XH own. Keeping it all business is the best way to be. There was a moment, I admit, that I was trying to apply to XH's compassionate side. Now reading the words, it's seems silly to even THINK that an MLCer could be compassionate. And really, D4 is not mentioned in the agreement when it comes to the house, so I should be mindful in the future, and keep it all business.

When working to negotiate or get a MLCer to preform or accomplish a certain task, it is usually best to limit the extra stuff. In this case, probably no big deal, and it could very well help. I was only suggesting a more conservative approach, with hopefully less risks. The only thing XH is doing is delays things is all.

Keep it simple. I appreciate your suggestions DnJ.

You got this Can.

Thank you DnJ. Now I've got to make that phone call to XH. I'm guilty of stalling by stopping by here first, but I wanted to reread what you posted to me previously, on what I might say to XH.

more DEEP BREATHING........

Inhale......... exhale......