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Re: Walk Away Spouse Fits My Ex-Wife to a "T" - Part 4 [Re: tom_l] #2911925
01/06/21 02:07 AM
01/06/21 02:07 AM
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OnlyBent Offline
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Tom,

Quick question, why did you change from tom_h to tom_l?


Me: 38 W:40
T: 14 M: 11
S: 4
BD1: IHS Nov 2019
BD2: ILYBNILWY Jun 2020
OM since Jun 2020
W moves out Aug 2020

"If you don't create a beautiful future, your brain will do one for you and it's not good"
Re: Walk Away Spouse Fits My Ex-Wife to a "T" - Part 4 [Re: OnlyBent] #2911928
01/06/21 02:32 AM
01/06/21 02:32 AM
Joined: Aug 2020
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tom_l Offline OP
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Originally Posted by OnlyBent
Tom,

Quick question, why did you change from tom_h to tom_l?

Nice catch! I did it in case my STBXW stumbled onto this page. She knows I used to use tom h a lot. If she discovered what I wrote here it could all be used in court if this divorce ever goes to trial.

It's not much of a dodge, I know. I suppose I could change my name to something like "Trigger" or "Rover," and then if she went to the Newcomers page she would never know. Do you think I should?

Re: Walk Away Spouse Fits My Ex-Wife to a "T" - Part 4 [Re: tom_l] #2911929
01/06/21 03:00 AM
01/06/21 03:00 AM
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OnlyBent Offline
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I think the horse has bolted on that one, but it can't hurt. "trigger" would not be a good choice given how you have clashed with some of the posters on here IMHO.

I asked the question because I was wondering whether you were trying to hide your new relationship from your STBXW or just you presence on here in general from Sally and/or your STBXW.


Me: 38 W:40
T: 14 M: 11
S: 4
BD1: IHS Nov 2019
BD2: ILYBNILWY Jun 2020
OM since Jun 2020
W moves out Aug 2020

"If you don't create a beautiful future, your brain will do one for you and it's not good"
Re: Walk Away Spouse Fits My Ex-Wife to a "T" - Part 4 [Re: OnlyBent] #2911950
01/06/21 12:09 PM
01/06/21 12:09 PM
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tom_l Offline OP
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Originally Posted by OnlyBent
I think the horse has bolted on that one, but it can't hurt. "trigger" would not be a good choice given how you have clashed with some of the posters on here IMHO.

I asked the question because I was wondering whether you were trying to hide your new relationship from your STBXW or just you presence on here in general from Sally and/or your STBXW.

Hahaha ... I was thinking more about Roy Rogers' horse Trigger but I get your point ...

Re: Walk Away Spouse Fits My Ex-Wife to a "T" - Part 4 [Re: tom_l] #2911955
01/06/21 01:19 PM
01/06/21 01:19 PM
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SteveLW Offline
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Originally Posted by tom_l
Originally Posted by OnlyBent
Tom,

Quick question, why did you change from tom_h to tom_l?

Nice catch! I did it in case my STBXW stumbled onto this page. She knows I used to use tom h a lot. If she discovered what I wrote here it could all be used in court if this divorce ever goes to trial.

It's not much of a dodge, I know. I suppose I could change my name to something like "Trigger" or "Rover," and then if she went to the Newcomers page she would never know. Do you think I should?


So what if she did? You moved on from her, right?


M(51), W(52),D(17)
M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Re: Walk Away Spouse Fits My Ex-Wife to a "T" - Part 4 [Re: SteveLW] #2911959
01/06/21 01:43 PM
01/06/21 01:43 PM
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Vapo Offline
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Originally Posted by Steve85
Originally Posted by tom_l
Originally Posted by OnlyBent
Tom,

Quick question, why did you change from tom_h to tom_l?

Nice catch! I did it in case my STBXW stumbled onto this page. She knows I used to use tom h a lot. If she discovered what I wrote here it could all be used in court if this divorce ever goes to trial.

It's not much of a dodge, I know. I suppose I could change my name to something like "Trigger" or "Rover," and then if she went to the Newcomers page she would never know. Do you think I should?


So what if she did? You moved on from her, right?


Exactly

Re: Walk Away Spouse Fits My Ex-Wife to a "T" - Part 4 [Re: SteveLW] #2911988
01/06/21 05:05 PM
01/06/21 05:05 PM
Joined: Aug 2020
Posts: 199
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tom_l Offline OP
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Originally Posted by Steve85
Originally Posted by tom_l
Originally Posted by OnlyBent
Tom,

Quick question, why did you change from tom_h to tom_l?

Nice catch! I did it in case my STBXW stumbled onto this page. She knows I used to use tom h a lot. If she discovered what I wrote here it could all be used in court if this divorce ever goes to trial.

It's not much of a dodge, I know. I suppose I could change my name to something like "Trigger" or "Rover," and then if she went to the Newcomers page she would never know. Do you think I should?


So what if she did? You moved on from her, right?

But the divorce isn't final. I'm still not sure it isn't going to trial. She's been doing some screwy stuff lately, like calling my employer and asking for information she isn't entitled to. I have to be prepared for anything and everything. It seems to me that any lawyer with bad motives can take a look at my candor here on DB, twist the meaning, and use it against me.

That's the funny thing about this, she was always such a level-headed, fair, decent, honest person. But divorce does very nasty things to people, turns them hateful and spiteful. I know she is getting advice from other quarters who urge her to fight-fight-fight and take actions that might be immoral but are still legal. Sigh ...

Re: Walk Away Spouse Fits My Ex-Wife to a "T" - Part 4 [Re: tom_l] #2912838
01/16/21 07:00 PM
01/16/21 07:00 PM
Joined: Aug 2020
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Originally Posted by Steve85
We are telling you that until tom is happy just being tom, he will never be happy being 1/2 of a couple ... if you don't work on Tom in the meantime then you are going to make the same mistakes, fall into the same trap, and end up in D court all over again ...

Here is the thing, it is IMPOSSIBLE....ABSOLUTELY NOT EVEN A POSSIBILITY, to be happy and fulfilled as one half of a couple if you cannot be happy by yourself ...

Unless you take the time to realize that your own happiness is your own responsibility, you will be setting yourself up for another D with a new person in the future ...

Originally Posted by Vapo
Dating is a NONO, because you are looking for a quick fix, not unlike a drug addict. You want to use someone to feel better. That is wrong ... [Dating] will stunt your growth and development, because it might make you think that you do not need to grow and develop further. Trust me, you do. And A LOT! And the sooner you get your a$$ in gear, the better ...

Do not go on a hunt for a wife number 2, you are waaaaay to damaged to think clearly now. Damaged attract damaged and you might attract someone in your life that is just as damaged if not more. You need time to heal and you need time to recover. Prior to 2 years of single life do not even attempt to date, you have to learn to be content and happy to be by yourself. Thinking that some else will bring joy to your life is a receipe for disaster. The only way you can be happy if you find happiness from within. So immerse your self in work, your hobbies and kids. You are in for a looooong haul ...

Originally Posted by Valeska
I personally did not have another relationship until my D was final with my XW (the process took 22 months). When it was over... I knew I upheld my commitment to the marriage until the end. It had NOTHING to do with her and everything to do with the person I wanted to be. It was my commitment to her. When we signed the papers - she thanked me for staying "loving towards her" even in the midst of the D. Sometimes the high road is more painful... that's why it's less traveled.

You are sad, tired, lonely. I am not trying to invalidate those feelings. But please be honest with yourself about them. The decision is ultimately yours to make... and all I'm seeing is that you keep pushing it off as "my w is making me do it" ...

Originally Posted by Steve85
As a follow on, we've seen a lot of posters buck this advice.....only to come back and admit that the forum was right.

These are the comments I received about dating and new relationships in the past several months. They are direct and very pointed.

So I'm reaching out to Steve85, Vapo, Valeska and everyone else. I told my story earlier about my relationship, and how it came about. Can we explore just how much progress I have made toward being happy with myself, toward being ready for a relationship?

Steve85, Vapo and Valeska, you gave me this advice before you all knew about Sally. I take it seriously. Sally and I were already involved, and believe me it stung. So I don't know if your first thoughts will be to rough me up because I'm involved with her, or just work the current situation. Either is fine. I value the advice I get here.

To refresh everyone, BD was 16 months ago. I reconnected with Sally 9 months after BD; I found this forum 11 months after BD; and it's now 16 months after BD.

Re: Walk Away Spouse Fits My Ex-Wife to a "T" - Part 4 [Re: tom_l] #2912846
01/16/21 07:37 PM
01/16/21 07:37 PM
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 6,145
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LH19 Online
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Originally Posted by tom_l

Originally Posted by Steve85
We are telling you that until tom is happy just being tom, he will never be happy being 1/2 of a couple ... if you don't work on Tom in the meantime then you are going to make the same mistakes, fall into the same trap, and end up in D court all over again ...

Here is the thing, it is IMPOSSIBLE....ABSOLUTELY NOT EVEN A POSSIBILITY, to be happy and fulfilled as one half of a couple if you cannot be happy by yourself ...

Unless you take the time to realize that your own happiness is your own responsibility, you will be setting yourself up for another D with a new person in the future ...

Originally Posted by Vapo
Dating is a NONO, because you are looking for a quick fix, not unlike a drug addict. You want to use someone to feel better. That is wrong ... [Dating] will stunt your growth and development, because it might make you think that you do not need to grow and develop further. Trust me, you do. And A LOT! And the sooner you get your a$$ in gear, the better ...

Do not go on a hunt for a wife number 2, you are waaaaay to damaged to think clearly now. Damaged attract damaged and you might attract someone in your life that is just as damaged if not more. You need time to heal and you need time to recover. Prior to 2 years of single life do not even attempt to date, you have to learn to be content and happy to be by yourself. Thinking that some else will bring joy to your life is a receipe for disaster. The only way you can be happy if you find happiness from within. So immerse your self in work, your hobbies and kids. You are in for a looooong haul ...

Originally Posted by Valeska
I personally did not have another relationship until my D was final with my XW (the process took 22 months). When it was over... I knew I upheld my commitment to the marriage until the end. It had NOTHING to do with her and everything to do with the person I wanted to be. It was my commitment to her. When we signed the papers - she thanked me for staying "loving towards her" even in the midst of the D. Sometimes the high road is more painful... that's why it's less traveled.

You are sad, tired, lonely. I am not trying to invalidate those feelings. But please be honest with yourself about them. The decision is ultimately yours to make... and all I'm seeing is that you keep pushing it off as "my w is making me do it" ...

Originally Posted by Steve85
As a follow on, we've seen a lot of posters buck this advice.....only to come back and admit that the forum was right.

These are the comments I received about dating and new relationships in the past several months. They are direct and very pointed.

So I'm reaching out to Steve85, Vapo, Valeska and everyone else. I told my story earlier about my relationship, and how it came about. Can we explore just how much progress I have made toward being happy with myself, toward being ready for a relationship?

Steve85, Vapo and Valeska, you gave me this advice before you all knew about Sally. I take it seriously. Sally and I were already involved, and believe me it stung. So I don't know if your first thoughts will be to rough me up because I'm involved with her, or just work the current situation. Either is fine. I value the advice I get here.

To refresh everyone, BD was 16 months ago. I reconnected with Sally 9 months after BD; I found this forum 11 months after BD; and it's now 16 months after BD.


Tom Im doing a drive by post. Actually you only value advice you agree with.


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

Don't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.- Will Smith
Re: Walk Away Spouse Fits My Ex-Wife to a "T" - Part 4 [Re: LH19] #2912849
01/16/21 07:53 PM
01/16/21 07:53 PM
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tom_l Offline OP
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Originally Posted by LH19
Tom Im doing a drive by post. Actually you only value advice you agree with.
Not true, but by prior arrangement, please loiter somewhere else.

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