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Hi May,

I'm so pleased to hear that so much positive progress has been happening in your situation! And glad I was able to offer you some advice that has served me well too...and glad to see it's helping! Just keep going with the flow and try to not get stuck in the minutia...things will look so different even in the next few weeks! If it's working, keep doing it, right? smile

And good luck on the job opportunity! You go girl...top three during a pandemic? You are killing it! Even if you don't get it, that's something to be proud of!

(((May22)))

El


Me 52, H 56
T10 M7, 2nd MR for both
2 Step Sons (19 and 21)
BD: Fall 2020
D finalized: July 2022
AP for at least 6 mos prior and still ongoing...



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may22 Offline OP
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Thanks, Elbereth! Yes, one foot in front of the other-- the only way through this situation is through it, no matter which direction you're moving.

And guys... I got the job!!! Don't have an official offer yet but the recruiter called to say the committee had made a unanimous decision. I still need to see (and negotiate) the offer, and then it goes to the Board for approval, so nothing definite yet... but we've already talked generally about what it will look like. smile Now figuring out how to extract myself from my current position and focus on something new!

xx M


Me (46) H (42)
M:14 T:18, D9 & D11
4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs
9/20 - present: R and piecing
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Congratulations!!!!


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

�Happiness equals reality minus expectations�- Magliozzi
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Yay, May! I am so happy for you. You've been talking about whether to change roles for months SO glad your life stabilized enough you felt comfortable trying out and of course you are the best candidate. wink

If they picked you and now are talking salary, I'm sure it'll be competitive.



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Whooo Whoooooooo!!! Congratulations!!


Me 52, H 56
T10 M7, 2nd MR for both
2 Step Sons (19 and 21)
BD: Fall 2020
D finalized: July 2022
AP for at least 6 mos prior and still ongoing...



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I'm happy to hear about all the good news. Motion forward is always good. Even if it's agonizingly slow like with H or moderately slow like taking on a new job. All wonderful things. I'm so happy for you smile

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Ahhh, I was hoping by the time I caught up with your thread I would read that you had gotten the job! Huge congrats, may--this place is so, so lucky to have you, and the people there are too. Yay!


T: 16 M:10
BD 6/2019
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May! So good to hear good news! I feel like you have good things going for you, and that you are more in control of your own life and future!! Such good news about the job.

I am happy to read these victories you are noticing. The time with your in-laws for example and working more as a team, these are good things. He does sound more sincere. One day at a time!


me: 46 h: 49
m: 24 T: 27
DD1:20 DD2:17 DS:12
BD1: PA for 2 yrs 08/2016
BD2: OW is one of my closest friends 12/2016
BD3: H wants a D 11/2019
Now: He is in the same house, but has filed for divorce.
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Hi friends! Thank you all so much! I'm super excited about this new role. The announcement went out yesterday and it has been a bit overwhelming and uplifting at the same time-- so many people reached out to say something nice, congratulate me, etc. It felt really great but by the end of the day I was completely exhausted as I was trying to say something personal in response to everyone. Two more weeks of this position, then a WEEK OFF (woo hoo!!! I don't think I've ever had this as an adult except for a month after college but I'm not sure that counts) and then I start my new job in May.

Things are good with H. I'm realizing that a lot of the issues are in my head and around my difficulties with letting the past go, rather than what I'm actually seeing in front of me. (now, that doesn't mean I can or am doing anything about that. But I can see it.) He's been incredibly supportive and so proud of me for this whole thing. He sent me screen captures of people who had been texting him to say congratulations to me, tells me over and over how proud he is, what a great example I'm setting for the girls, that he knows I'm going to be fantastic in this role. I feel like we used to spend more time talking about his work (mostly because mine felt like basically complaining about all the BS happening, and him getting frustrated on my behalf which wasn't productive so I shut it down) but he's been a terrific sounding board to think through all kinds of things from dealing with the board in my new position to how to gracefully exit my current position while doing what I can to protect and support the people still there. It has been really nice.

I still get triggered by things and I know it frustrates him, though mostly now he will just hug me and apologize rather than get upset at me for dwelling in the past. He did say it felt like he came home with a 98 on his math test and I was focusing on the 2 he got wrong rather than everything he got right. We still haven't had our first MC appointment but have made an agreement to take a break from rehashing things until we can do it in front of a professional. The pain I feel when things are triggered, though, is very different from what it was in the past-- no longer that sharp anguish or rush of anger. Now it is more like-- I recognize, I remember, it [censored] and I wish it didn't happen. It will more like put me from good mood to neutral rather than immediately plunging me into the $hit.

Even though things are positive, I still feel we have a very long ways to go. I feel more optimistic that M2.0 is in our future now, though, and that we'll work through this together. But we are really still like best friends and partners, little flares of romance but I am mostly keeping that door shut for now. Why? I'm not totally sure and it isn't purposeful, really-- I think I'm scared of opening it and getting hurt again and want to have washed the dirt of AP completely out of my brain before I go there. Advice welcomed. It was interesting the other day-- a couple things happened where I realized that he was nervous about me wanting to leave him in the future, which sure felt like a change of pace. Also, there was a day where I was feeling really good about everything and randomly hugged him and told him how I felt happy and positive, and he hugged me back and it was all great. Later that night I got triggered by something and mentioned it and withdrew. He got really quite upset and talked about how amazing he had felt when I'd hugged him and said those things, and how hard and frustrating it was for him to see those feelings and attitude in me disappear because of something that had happened in the past, not anything he was doing today. I told him I can't change the past and neither can he, and there are still consequences to those past actions and choices. I think he thinks I'm choosing to engage in these thoughts, whereas I think it is natural and I should acknowledge and deal with them as they come up rather than push them away. I am betting there is some happy medium here, though, and there probably *is* a point where I could be unhealthily holding onto the past. Am I picking at the scab and delaying healing? Or is it necessary to let the pus drain out? I don't know.

I had dinner with a friend the other night who reached out to say she was getting a D. Big bummer as they were a great couple friend of ours though we haven't seen them at all because of the pandemic. She said the pandemic hadn't helped but that she had gotten to an age (42) where she realized she wanted more, she was BFFs with her husband but nothing beyond that, that they'd been separated seven years ago for four months and she felt they never really worked through their issues after that, that they'd come back together out of convenience more than for their relationship. Turns out she'd had an A back then, left her H, the AP was also married and wouldn't leave his wife, that the A was incredibly intense and going back to her H was just really blah to be with someone she wasn't in love with. It was the weirdest conversation. I really like her H and he clearly isn't on board with this D. I felt so badly for him. I have also spent so much time in my head demonizing the AP that it felt really crazy that the cheating party was MY FRIEND in this case. And then scared that this same thing will happen to us, that we'll never recapture that spark and he'll just get bored and leave in seven years. I came home and we talked all about it and he hugged me and said we aren't them, he isn't my friend, we make our own path, etc. But it was still a difficult evening.

So... that's about all, my friends. Most of my focus on this upcoming new job and trying to stay in the present with my R, grateful for what I have, my children, all my wonderful friends IRL and here.

Hugs to you all!
xoxo May


Me (46) H (42)
M:14 T:18, D9 & D11
4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs
9/20 - present: R and piecing
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Wow your friend sounds amazing. She is divorcing her BF because their relationship isnt as intense as her affair. Makes sense.

May there are no guarantees your H isnt going to get bored and walk again and break your heart all over. Also, if you divorce there are no guarantees a new guy wouldnt do the same.

Unfortunately this is your new reality.


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

�Happiness equals reality minus expectations�- Magliozzi
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