A Divorce Busting® Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.


Save your marriage singlehandedly
with Divorce Busting Telephone Coaching
SPECIAL MARCH OFFER -- SAVE $40
THREE DIVORCE BUSTING TELEPHONE COACHING SESSION FOR ONLY $350
CALL 303-444-7004 and mention this offer
or use code: SAVE_$40 in the Divorce Busting Store

A Message from Michele
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 6 of 11 1 2 4 5 6 7 8 10 11
Re: A Great Life #9 [Re: DnJ] #2912565
01/13/21 06:09 PM
01/13/21 06:09 PM
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 16,723
K
kml Offline
Member
kml  Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 16,723
The key is to LIVE YOUR LIFE! Few WASs come back at this point - some do, but the percentage is small. Some come to their senses 20 years down the line - many do not. You may or may not ant them back at that point if they ever do. The key is to live your life AS IF they are never coming back and make the most of the life that is given to you. You can choose not to date, or you can choose to IF you are fully healed from your marriage. But what you should NOT do is make decisions about your future with them in mind.

Imagine if you were told you only had a year to live. Would you live that year pining and hoping, or would you get out there and live your best life? None of us are guaranteed our future and it's a mistake to let the WAS eat up too much of our present.

Re: A Great Life #9 [Re: DnJ] #2912567
01/13/21 06:23 PM
01/13/21 06:23 PM
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 1,323
G
Gerda Offline
Member
Gerda  Offline
Member
G
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 1,323
DnJ, I owe you a response on my thread, will get to it this weekend, have been crazed and obsessively listening to/weeping over the news. But in a moment of hope, I found this song and have it on repeat. It is what you say in another form but I still recommend that you, along with every LBS here, lie on the floor and listen to it with headphones on at the loudest setting your ears will take.

There is a studio version but I like this version -- Joy Oladokun - look up (Live From Hales Marina)


I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord with courage.
Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
Re: A Great Life #9 [Re: DnJ] #2912634
01/14/21 04:24 PM
01/14/21 04:24 PM
Joined: Sep 2020
Posts: 54
E
Eagle3 Offline
Member
Eagle3  Offline
Member
E
Joined: Sep 2020
Posts: 54
Kml, fully understand, can't agree more and finallly getting there.

Gerda, just listened to the song in the version you described. Beautiful!!

DnJ, a simple "thanks again" for your support.


Me (43) H (42)
M:14 T:18, S16, S13 & S13
4/19 BD1 ILYB & OW1 until 02/20
02/20-08/20 living @ home
08/20 living abroad for W
12/20 BD2 wants divorce, I agree
02/21 I file since no action from H
Re: A Great Life #9 [Re: DnJ] #2912702
01/15/21 03:53 AM
01/15/21 03:53 AM
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 2,751
D
DnJ Offline OP
Member
DnJ  Offline OP
Member
D
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 2,751
kml - You bet! Live your life.

Gerda - Thatís a good song and message. smile I like it. And yeah, the clouds are in our head.

Eagle - My pleasure.

- - - -

Well, will wonders ever cease.

XW called S22 a couple of days ago and asked for the umpteenth time if he wanted her to re-invest his inheritance money until he is 23. Son told her no, he would like his money now as he has debts he could use it on.

XW agreed! So she went right to the bank and transferred the money to his account.

S22 called to tell me, and then paid me back his loan. I thanked him and let him know how proud I am of the man he is - financially responsible, working, university, etc. S22 feels pretty good being debt-free with me, and wanted me to know how much he appreciates me for all Iíve done and do for him and GF.

Pretty good week over here.

D


Current
Me52 XW49 S24 S22 S20 D18

Oct 8/17-BD, Moves in w/OM, Leaves Kids
Me49 W46 S20 S19 S16 D15
M26 T29
Dec 9/17-Legal Separation
Oct 3/18-W Files
Apr 6/19-Divorced

I may give up, but not today.
Re: A Great Life #9 [Re: DnJ] #2912706
01/15/21 06:51 AM
01/15/21 06:51 AM
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,230
V
Vapo Offline
Member
Vapo  Offline
Member
V
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,230
Awesome stuff Dnj. There is really nothing like a father's pride.

Great job. You raised them well.

Re: A Great Life #9 [Re: DnJ] #2912767
01/15/21 10:14 PM
01/15/21 10:14 PM
Joined: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,806
O
OwnIt Offline
Member
OwnIt  Offline
Member
O
Joined: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,806
Dear friend, following along. Great kids, great dad, mixed up ex, doesn't really ever change does it. Same for us to. Moving along at a snail's pace. Have a countdown widget on my phone for freedom day. Can't come early enough.

Re: A Great Life #9 [Re: DnJ] #2912889
01/17/21 04:48 PM
01/17/21 04:48 PM
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 2,751
D
DnJ Offline OP
Member
DnJ  Offline OP
Member
D
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 2,751
Good Morning

Sunday morning, sitting at the kitchen table. Reading and having breakfast.

It snowed again last night. Just a skiff; 1/4Ē now covers the ice from the day of rain we just had. Middle of January and itís +3C in the day and -3C at night. Very abnormal, the temperature is usually around -20C to -30C for this time of year.

Iím not complaining! Thereís not much snow to shovel, and I havenít use the snow blower once, yet.

Hello Vapo. Yes, I do have a lot of pride regarding my kids. They are well adjusted, and doing well in their academic and personal pursuits. Weíve had many open honest conversation about Mom/XW, affairs, adultery, emotions, crisis, morals, vows, etc. I believe, and from what I can see, they are stable strong and not (hopefully) destine to repeat the crisis of their Mom. That chain gets broke with this generation.

OwnIt. Hello my friend. Yes, over three years now and as much as things changed - they didnít. Thatís the great thing of beliefs and convictions - strong stable headings for oneís life. The direction to purposefully move forward.

Iím glad you popped in. Iíve been wondering how youíve been doing. More just confirmation since I knew youíd do great in your life. That slow snail will cross the finish line eventually. Freedom day - itís coming!

- - - -

My kids are growing and getting closer and closer to marriage. Iíve no doubt S23 and S22 will someday pop the question. And as Dad, and someone whoís been around the block, I will pass on my advice. S22 as already ask for some regarding engagement and marriage. I know my suggestions to the kids would be taken with high regard and respect.

The idea of a prenuptial agreement, oddly may not be as proposed from me as one might think I would. With little to no individual assets going into a marriage, the worst case of 50/50 is probably the agreements one would make anyhow. If one has significant pre-marriage assets, then an agreement would protect that.

Utilizing a prenup to somehow strengthen a marriage by if one decides to leave or cheat or whatever, they get nothing; would not work. Fear and financial ruin is not good reason to stay, and turns one (or both) into more slaves than partners.

Still, an agreement, if they were to want one, would be interesting and useful in that they would not be bind-sided as to what they are actually getting into. Iíve consider, what would 27 year married and now divorced DnJ tell his younger self so many years ago. What wisdom would I pass back to myself? That is where Iím coming from regarding passing wisdom forward to my kids.

Iíve passed on plenty of life lessons. Love, emotions, intellect, money, debt management, crisis, grief, responsibility, loyalty, faith, faithfulness, work ethic, personal ethics, beliefs, ego, accountability, and the list goes on.

Marriage. That formal union of two people. The taking of a relationship to the next and highest level. Why get married? That is the question that leads to the wisdom Iíd pass on.

Most people get married for love. They are in love and therefore get married. But why? You already have the love. What does marriage do? Why do you need to get married? You already have the love.

People marry for love. They should and need to marry the person, not the love. Love is the icing on the cake; it is not the cake.

A marriage should be based upon a solid respectful relationship, which both parties want to, and vow to, upon hold and strengthen.

Love is a thing. Marrying for love is no better than marrying for money. Marry the person not the thing. Vow to the person not the feelings you have.

That distinction, I believe, allows people to weather the storms of life. Love ebbs and flow, has its up and down, yet the person remains. Marry the person. (This is some of the reason I am where I am. Have the beliefs I do. Make the choices I do.)

Society is nowadays wired and programmed to expect instant gratification. Everything is promised to be available at the push of a button. Lol. And when it isnít - boom. People have melt downs. Egos are so huge. The sense of entitlement is enormous.

The unrealized programmed expectations and demands of people lead to resentments within their lives. Unrealized resentments. Just look around at society. Are people happy? Full of purpose and joy and contentment and peace? Sadly, the answer is no. True there are individuals and pockets of society that do live that way. However, society is largely wound up pretty tight with most things a sensationalized concern with nary a direct tie to the individual, to themselves. The truly important stuff of their lives they invest the least into. Marriage being near the top of that list. There is a reason divorce is so rampant.

One of my most despised ideas of the current age is ďlife hacksĒ. First itís not a hack - itís cheating! Second, that quick shortcut leads nowhere really. One doesnít learn or acquire the knowledge or skills of said ďhackĒ, and cannot actually perform it. True authentic traits or skills take time and effort. It is within that pursuit, and the personal effort invested, that provide the dividends the hackers are trying to find.

Donít hack your marriage. Itís not love at the push of a button. Itís work. Itís commitment of the highest order. The personal dividends from such a pursuit are incredible. Ensure you realize the correct path to walk. And have the conviction to walk it.

None of my kids or their BF/GF would want their partner to do what Mom/XW did to me. I know this advice/wisdom would be well received, for the foundation has been crafted for many years. Be responsible, reliable, accountable, ethical, honest - do the work, for there are no shortcuts to the true goals you seek.

Donít marry for love. Counterintuitive, until it isnít.

Looking back, I think young DnJ and old DnJ would have a pretty interesting conversation.

I am happy. I live regret-free. I live a great life.

D


Current
Me52 XW49 S24 S22 S20 D18

Oct 8/17-BD, Moves in w/OM, Leaves Kids
Me49 W46 S20 S19 S16 D15
M26 T29
Dec 9/17-Legal Separation
Oct 3/18-W Files
Apr 6/19-Divorced

I may give up, but not today.
Re: A Great Life #9 [Re: DnJ] #2913407
01/24/21 10:43 PM
01/24/21 10:43 PM
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 2,751
D
DnJ Offline OP
Member
DnJ  Offline OP
Member
D
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 2,751
What a glorious day.

The sky is clear and blue. The sun brightly shines upon the white snow. Yes, there is now snow. And winter has found us. I awoke to -28C this morning.

I dressed in a hoody, and my parka, pulled on my insulated snow boots, donned a toque and gloves, and went outside. The air was crisp and cold. My feet toasty warm, my body nicely protected from the biting cold windchill of -38C. The two hoods kept my head warm, but muffled sounds. Oh my legs. smile From the knee up just a single layer of jeans between my skin and the freezing air. Within minutes the cold sensation dimmed, numbed a bit I suppose, and blood flowing from walking.

The dogs and I shovelled the deck. The snow is dry powdery snow. Itís light and easily pushes off the edge to the growing pile on the ground 30 inches below. The task takes around 20 minutes. The dogs patiently watch an wait, eager for a possible treat and walk around the property. They get both.

We saunter down the lane to the road. I saw some discarded beer cans when picking up my Mom for supper last night. I finally got to making Hassleback potatoes. My goodness, those are good! I thinly sliced a roast and pan seared it using the same oil/butter mixture as I used on the potatoes. Mom loved it. Mmmmmm. So good.

The dogs run here and there, sniffing some tracks that come from across the road, through the ditch, under the chain fence, across the grass, and into the bushes. The tracks are not deer, they look more like coyote or fox. The lack of a return trail leads me to think they do not belong to a dog and come from something less domesticated.

I gather the beer cans, the residue inside now frozen. This is sadly a common occurrence. There is a subculture of folk who drink and drive. They donít even hide it. The ugly side of small town mentality. Driving while actually drinking several beers. Littering by throwing the can out the carís window. My property, and ditch, is the last one before entering town, and therefore becomes the landing zone of many a drinkerís trash.

At least these are cans. Bottles are worse. The last batch of bottles landed on my gravel road and smashed into pieces. I was half and hour picking broken glass from the frozen gravel and ice.

Ah, people. It takes all kinds to make a world. There is a segment of the population that feels their entitlement is paramount to law, order, or others rights. In this small town these folks drive on the wrong side of the street, park the wrong way, ride their snow machines or off road vehicles on the road and through town. Behaviour that would be impossible to maintain in a city. Flagrant ignoring of Covid restriction is not a worry for someone who already living such a manner.

The misguided ideology, thatís what makes small town so great - not having to follow all those rules. It makes me shake my head. I watched a volunteer firefighter during a fundraising bbq give the keys of his truck to his son so he could go and get more hamburger buns as they were running out. His son was 14! He hopped in the truck and drove off to the store. Consider what message that instils in that impressionable young lad. Itís sad.

Our wee town has had a deadly car accident. One licensed 16 year old, with thee teens 14 & 15 years of age. Taking turns driving his Momís Jeep. Yes, alcohol was consumed. Yes, they were going far too fast along the gravel road 1/2 mile to the west of me. Yes, the jeep rolled over, ejecting the 15 year old girl, and then crushing her as it tumbled over her.

I know these kids, now adults. And I knew the girl who eventually lost her life after several agonizing minutes in that ditch. The three adults still drink and drive. The driver on that fateful day got away with it. His family rich and one of the founding families from around here.

So much entitlement. So much remembered with the touch of a cold aluminum can.

Iíve confronted people. Reported people. Most are more brawn than brain and utilize their gifts. Over the years Iíve had my power shot out. Property damaged. Vehicles do burn outs in my well kept grass. Had vehicles run through my fence. I donít back down. And I perform the needed repairs. Picking up the beer cans. Sigh.

Such is the truth of life. There is dark and there is light. With beer cans in tow, the dogs and I made our way, winding through the bushes. Tiny branches I miss, slap back and sting my cold face. Over logs and around trees we scamper. The dogs having a wonderful adventure amidst the tracks and smells of the woods.

The tall trees stand against the blue sky. The past few days have been windy and branches litter the yard. Sticks are everywhere! Itís going to be a busy spring. Lol.

The younger dog, brown in colour, takes after the older black dog. She continually entices the other girl to come and run with her. As we were walking the brown dog ran at the older one. She slid on the ice hidden beneath the snow and spayed out and slid across the driveway. She looks so funny, I burst out laughing - her four little legs scrambling to gain purchase with nails scraping across the ice. Continuing walking, I slipped and splayed out on a patch of ice. I swear my dogs were laughing at me too.

I fed the dogs and refill their water. They are happy. Always. Tail wagging greetings and returns to their pen. A few more pets and I close the gate and return to the warmth of my house. Ahhhhh. The 50 degree rise in temperature is so very nice. Glasses immediately fog up. smile I remove them and the pounds of necessary outer clothing.

Itís a beautiful day here. Cold and clear. And full of light.

D


Current
Me52 XW49 S24 S22 S20 D18

Oct 8/17-BD, Moves in w/OM, Leaves Kids
Me49 W46 S20 S19 S16 D15
M26 T29
Dec 9/17-Legal Separation
Oct 3/18-W Files
Apr 6/19-Divorced

I may give up, but not today.
Re: A Great Life #9 [Re: DnJ] #2913408
01/25/21 12:21 AM
01/25/21 12:21 AM
Joined: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,806
O
OwnIt Offline
Member
OwnIt  Offline
Member
O
Joined: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,806
What a contrasting image of both the blessings and the curses of the life you live in your bucolic town. I'm glad you had a glorious day. I did too. I spent time this weekend doing a puzzle with my sweet son, who chose to do that over spending time with his best friend and girlfriend. Those days with him are are short. Soon I'll be doing the puzzles alone and taking walks, and hopefully lounging by the pool while I read a good book. Quiet pleasures in the post-child rearing stage.

Re: A Great Life #9 [Re: DnJ] #2913412
01/25/21 01:17 AM
01/25/21 01:17 AM
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 537
Australia
S
scout12 Offline
Member
scout12  Offline
Member
S
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 537
Australia
Your post on marriage was incredible. Don't marry for love. It sounds wrong, and yet...


W32
X30
S3

June 2019 | Runaway husband
May 2020 | Legal separation
Dec 2020 | Happily divorced
Page 6 of 11 1 2 4 5 6 7 8 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, job, Virginia 

Save Your Marriage! Schedule Online

Schedule a phone consultation with a Divorce Busting® Coach! Call: 800-664-2435 or 303-444-7004