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Hi Ocean. I could feel the emotion pouring out of you as I read this. I am so sorry you are going through this, but I like the perspective you have on a lot of it! Shows that even through the emotions, you are clear thinking. Very important in situations like these.

As far as being embarrassed about vacillating between wanting to be angry at him and asking him for one more try, Don't be embarrassed, that is very normal. The thing is that when your brain is telling you that what you are going through is not okay, then you lean towards wanting to be angry. But then when your brain starts thinking that things could be better if he'd just recommit to the marriage, the lure of asking for one more try rises up. But the good thing is, that unlike so many LBSs, you do not act on those thoughts! Having them we all did, thinking that is not worthy of 2x4s. But if you were alternatively yelling and exploding at him, and then the next day going and asking for another chance at saving the marriage, that is when you would get feedback here to control your actions. You are already doing that! So rather than being embarrassed you should be congratulating yourself for a job well done.

I also get the whole, better when he is gone, not so good when he is there thing. When he is gone, you can settle down your emotions and move forward with your day. When he is there it is a struggle because the R between the two of you is not what you want to be, and that fact is front and center when he is around. So while I know you are scared about him moving out and all of the things that causes you to face (telling the kids, etc), I think when he does you will be better off for it. This man has made it clear that this is the best he can give, and as you have rightfully ascertained you deserve so much more than he is giving! Friendship. You can get that from anywhere. So I applaud you for not "settling" for his friendship in the hope it would turn into more later. Another indication that you are thinking more clearly than a lot of LBSs.

I also love you standing your ground on the L. Very important that this man doesn't gaslight you and manipulate you, and that is not going to happen with your L present! And yes, he is gaslighting you with the " fine, if you want this to be more expensive than we can do it that way. It's not what I think we should do, but if that's what YOU want." This is emotional abuse in my opinion. And it sounds like he has a long history of doing that kind of thing. So kudos for standing up for yourself and holding your ground on the L.

As far as the gym thing, Ocean I think you can trust your instincts on that one. This man sounds wayward. Wanting his cake (moving forward with D) and eat it too ("Hey, lets go to the gym as one big happy family!"). So do what YOU want. If you want to go to the gym as a family, with zero expectations involved, then do it. If you aren't feeling it, then don't. To me this looks like another manipulation by him. "Hey, I know you don't want to be friends, but if I can show you what a fun, upbeat friend I can be, maybe you will change your mind!"

Anyway, now is the time to double down on your GAL. Are you in IC? If not I highly suggest it. And just keep emotionally detaching from him. His gaslighting and manipulation will lessen as he sees that he cannot get you to emotionally react to what he says and does.

Keep moving forward!


M(52), W(53),D(17)
M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
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Hi OG,

(HUGS) I have thought of you quite a lot through all of this and am glad you're back here. I remember so vividly you saying don't hold your breath when my H broke it off with his AP last February, and thinking, well... this is actually like the seventh time so maybe... but then you were TOTALLY RIGHT. God. These little f$ckers.

I have to say that you are handling this so, so well. I really am impressed and proud of you. You are standing for yourself. You know what you deserve and it isn't this half-@ssed excuse for a partner.

Quote
I told him that I did not want to live the next eight years as roommates with my husband in a sexless (by his choice) marriage. He has this need to look like a good guy to people, and so I think cutting off sex and being a roommate was his way of pushing me to file so he could say it was what I wanted.

FWIW... this is so ridiculous. He can say it is what you wanted... AFTER HE CHEATED ON YOU WITH YOUR FRIEND. Girlfriend, no-one in the world is going to say that this is what you "wanted." You wanted what you signed up for when you got married-- an honest, loyal partner for life. You got the shaft. Svcks. But not your fault... HIS. He is responsible for his own choices, not you. And when he shows himself to be a $hitty H, cheater and liar, and unable to do the work to restore the marriage... you're simply doing what any sane person would do. Cut your losses. He is not the good guy in this story. Sorry. (I keep telling my H-- this is probably not a positive thing from the whole piecing standpoint-- that I didn't "win". I f-ing lost. No matter what happens, I lost this game because I have a truly $hitty H. Maybe won't be that way forever. But he'll always have done this, no matter what happens to us in the future. And he is GD lucky that I'm still here and willing to consider M2.0 with his dumb @ss. I am feeling a little more feisty than usual, I guess!!)

I also agree with Steve-- don't beat yourself up for your feelings. You deserve to feel angry, and sad, and all the rest. I got a punching bag and it really helped with the anger.

On the gym-- also with Steve. If you wanna go, go. Who cares what he thinks, whether it feeds his fantasy of post-D BFFs or not? You do you, OG. The second it stops serving you to do things as a family, stop. Maybe it is okay one day and not another. I think you shouldn't worry about whether that is confusing to him or not... just focus on yourself and the kids and what is best for the three (four?) of you. Don't waste any energy on him.

xoxo M


Me (46) H (42)
M:14 T:18, D9 & D11
4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs
9/20 - present: R and piecing
Joined: May 2020
Posts: 86
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Steve and May -- thanks for your support. That makes sense.

Steve, I am doing so much better than I was a year ago. Oh boy. I am much more clear-headed. I do get angry and I do get depressed, but I can also feel that this is within the "normal" grief zone and I just have to go through the process. I am determined not to be bitter let anyone but me have control over my future. But I'm still mad. And sad. And scared sometimes. I am pushing to tell the kids sooner rather than later. I mean, don't get me wrong, it's something I dread, but it's hanging over me and the weight of it is so heavy. I know his pattern. He wants to wait until he can tell them and then leave. That's how he told me about the A. He can't handle emotions. I mean clearly, if he could, he would still be in this marriage.

May - I like you're feistiness! I have been in those moods. I've told him straight a few times lately. It took me a long time to figure out I deserved better, but now that I finally have, I see everything differently. I think you are totally right above. I've got to cut my losses.

Honestly, the hard times for me (obviously) are when we are together as a family. It's the worst. But other than that, I'm just not wanting to be with someone who would treat me the way he does. He really does live in a fantasy world, where we "struggled and tried and decided we aren't right for each other". Puke. He whistles and all but skips around the house. I think in those moments that I must be on Planet Crazy. There is no other explanation. You would think he would at least PRETEND to be sad. He keeps helping my daughter with college plans which gives me pain as I don't want to lead her on that we can afford it now. He seems to think there will be no problem. ???

I am in IC and it does help tremendously. Also to have a few close people who can helpme see things normally again.

I do think when OW finds out (remember they still work together) that we are divorcing she will s*%t bricks. I think she will realize that she can't manipulate me through him and that her secret is going to get out.

While I shouldn't say I'm glad you guys are here, I'm glad there is a place where there are people who get it.


me: 46 h: 49
m: 24 T: 27
DD1:20 DD2:17 DS:12
BD1: PA for 2 yrs 08/2016
BD2: OW is one of my closest friends 12/2016
BD3: H wants a D 11/2019
Now: He is in the same house, but has filed for divorce.
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