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Hello Nick (I was responding on my thread and decided to move it here)

Yes, most bomb drops are more private than mine was. I had seven witnesses to what went down that night.

Originally Posted by NickWing
I don’t know how good that is however because now the kids are looking at me like I’m the one breaking up the family because they don’t know about Mom’s affair.

Plenty of times kids, family, and friends are not privy to what actually went down and what was actually said and by whom.

You have receive some excellent advice over on the newcomers board. Time and space and no pressure is especially important and needed for situations like MLC.

A lot of suggestions and advice will be counterintuitive; at first it will seem wrong, sound wrong, and feel wrong. Have faith in those who have gone before you.

How good or not good witnesses may have been to your BD matters little. It went down as it did. You play the hand you’ve been dealt.

The kids may or may not know about Mom’s affair. And they may know more of who is actually responsible for the current family strife than you realize. Kids are rather perceptive.

Some advice:

Do not demonize W/Mom. Do not spill the beans of her affair. Let this come out as it will. You do not want to manipulate W’s path nor take on the responsibility of it. If you effort towards altering her trajectory, and things go wrong, you will feel remorseful. You do not want responsibility for her path, let her take ownership of her choices.

The girls, D17 and D21, love their parents. They love both you and Mom. You focus on your life and your daughters. Be the best Dad you can be. Leave the relationship between Mom and her daughters to them. It is not your job to facilitate their relationship; it is your job not to destroy it.

Kids need to vent and lash out. Plenty is changing within their lives. You are the strong and stable parent, so they will lash out towards you. They will vent towards you. And yes, at times, it will be unfair. However, they cannot yet risk losing their Mom. So you will get quite a disproportionate amount of their emotional venting. It’s ok. Just roll with it.

The idea that your girls are seeing you to be the cause of the breaking up of the family appears to be conjecture from you. However, you control you. Be the best Dad you can be. Not only in word; mostly in action. Through demonstration the true perpetrator will be revealed.

Take D17 driving to get her up to speed, without any blaming and snide comments regarding W shirking her responsibilities or the unfairness of it all. Make suppers and offer W to eat with all of you. And yes, do not purposefully not make enough garlic bread. Passive aggressiveness is not helpful.

Do not move out of the house. Remain in the master bedroom. You’ve told W many times, if she doesn’t like it here or needs more space she can move out. I would stop saying that. She’s heard you. And you don’t actually want to encourage or plant that idea. It goes along with the manipulation thing. If something you suggest goes wrong she will blame you. Well, she will blame you for everything and anything anyhow, but you don’t need to paint a target upon yourself either.

The LBS seeks to take the high road. To walk a better path, an enlightened path. That starts with focusing on you and your children. That shift in your focus is away from W and the situation she is stirring up. That gives time and space for W to hopefully work through her emotional trauma(s). It also allows you space to work through your’s.

There is nothing you can do to speed up W’s journey. She entered a pain-filled world that she has been suppressing for a long time. The pressures of midlife have uncovered long ago buried demons that now refuse to remain silent.

MLCer’s are driven by feelings. Their emotions are cranked to eleven. They have no empathy for anyone, for they cannot handle their own emotions, never-mind anyone else’s.

Realize, all the advice is for you. Its primary goal is helping you heal and to become whole. It also gives your best chance at outlasting MLC and perhaps a reconciliation. That, however, is a bonus, and not the focus.

You have the gift of time, use it wisely. Do the inner work. Take the higher path.

Stay strong. You’ve got this.

D


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
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Quote

I had a buddy who broke up with a girl because her upper lip didn’t move when she talked,


This sounds like a Seinfeld episode!!!!

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Okay. You convinced me. I'll chime in. After pressing her one night, she finally gave in and gave the following reasons. I'll save the best for last. Three of my sons actually witnessed this and busted out laughing when they heard the last one. Here you go:

* "You wouldn't let me adopt a daughter from China." Hello? That is expensive and although I made decent money in the radio business, we had 4 sons and a mortgage. It's not that I didn't let her, it just wasn't practical. We talked a lot about adopting, but never even took the steps to look into it.

* "You won't let me dress the way that I want." I never once complained about what she was wearing. She dressed the way she wanted and always looked good.

* "You wouldn't get a Vasectomy." The last time I checked, it is my body and it's not that I wouldn't, I just never thought she was that serious about it. We used other forms of birth control.

* "Everything has to be done on your schedule." Well, I was the only one working....

And here it is....the world champion:

* "You never took me to the right grocery store." I'm not even going to justify this with an explanation, but yeah, she actually gave that as the number one reason for walking out of a 25 year marriage. Who knew grocery stores were so important.

kml, have you ever seen the Seinfeld episode where Jerry breaks up with a girl because she ate her peas one at a time? Classic.

Tad


Currently:
M 56 XW 57
Sons 38,33,31,29

The Sitch:
Married 26 years
EA w/ OM 9/10
Bomb 10/10 (5 weeks after 25th anniversary)
Sep 12/10
She wants D 1/11
W files 5/11
D final 10/11
XW marries OM 6/13
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kml, have you ever seen the Seinfeld episode where Jerry breaks up with a girl because she ate her peas one at a time? Classic.


Yes, tad, I have! And the episodes with the girl with the annoying laugh.

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Originally Posted by kml
Quote
kml, have you ever seen the Seinfeld episode where Jerry breaks up with a girl because she ate her peas one at a time? Classic.


Yes, tad, I have! And the episodes with the girl with the annoying laugh.
A former co-worker has one of those "horse laughs". Initially I thought it was annoying but she was such a sweet and charming woman that I decided that it would brighten my day and from then on it did. She eventually moved from Canada to south Florida where she now works as an art conservator.

Illustrating that it's not the habits or other things about a person that matter but rather how we react to them. And on the other hand as I've learned there are some boundaries and standards that holding firm on are important too.

And also showing that some people are as shallow as a damp sponge.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
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geez tad, she didn't know how to get in the dang car and get herself to the *right* grocery store? or know how to open her mouth to ask you to drive her there? these people are unreal. i've been reminded lately of my ex's expectation that i would pay half of his hawaiian vacation (on our 21st anniversary) that he took with his AP ... the reasoning: I pay your living expenses (three months after BD, he's paying the mortgage on our family home ... still shaking my head over that one). Someday I will know I am over this because the word Hawaii or someone mentioning a trip there won't make me twitch.


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
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Mine thought that neither I nor the appraiser understood the market and that our home was really worth DOUBLE the court-ordered appraised value and the mortgage lender's appraised value. He wants to live off that imaginary extra money and never have to work again, doesn't understand that a mortgage has to be paid until a house is actually sold or that a lender will not give you an equity loan based on what you think a house is worth. He tells my daughter every other weekend that I am stealing this money from him, based on this imaginary value of our house. He also believes he will receive this money instantly as soon as he forces us to move out so it can be sold.

This is as stupid as the grocery store idea but appears in court to be somehow more worth listening to because it has to do with home values? I dunno, the whole thing is a mystery.


I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord with courage.
Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
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Tad I forget the one where we only went to restaurants I wanted to go to. (Outback).

Yeah, when my kids are small and always order Mac n cheese, I’m not going to a fancy restaurant. And if you wanted to go somewhere else, you should have said so.

Tad you had a tough journey. Please keep posting because when people see your journey, they get inspired. I saw it, the valleys, (and they were low), and the peaks. You, Taz, DnJ, Job, Joe 2017, Steve85 and others are inspirational to me. Thanks for your help and say hi to PJ for me.


Me 57/W 53, M 23, T 27

D21/D17

BDay 6/29/20, ILYBINILWY

IHS 10/5/2020
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Yeah, MLCers are weird creatures for sure.

I would like to add to my post above that she gave those 5 reasons after I pressed her. She said something like "I have a million reasons to leave." I said: "Okay. Name 5." After a few moments, she came up with the five that I listed. (Took her some serious thought too.) smile

Nick, I did have a tough journey, but you know what? I'm ok. (Not that I didn't have my dark moments. God, I had some REALLY dark moments and lots of them.)

I'm glad I've inspired you. I would post more often, but honestly, sometimes I just don't have much to say or add. I was 16 when I saw my ex for the first time and was still legally married to her until I was almost 44. That's a long time man. Honestly, even though it has been 10 years since bomb drop, it still hurts sometimes to read the pain that others are going through. Seems to bring it all back you know? I guess that's why I don't post much. However, I do come here from time to time and will chime in when I have something to add to someone's thread. As for my sitch, it's pretty much been written. There's never much to add where XW is concerned. She wants to be friends and I don't. Case closed.

As for PJ, he is no longer with us. He was hit by a car a while back. frown However, I rescued two little girl kitty cats in his honor and kept the P and the J. I named one Piper and the other Jazz. They've added a lot of fun to my life. They have become the heart and soul of my little apartment and I love them dearly. smile

It gets better man.

Peace out and take care.

Tad




Last edited by tadpole1025; 12/14/20 01:18 AM.

Currently:
M 56 XW 57
Sons 38,33,31,29

The Sitch:
Married 26 years
EA w/ OM 9/10
Bomb 10/10 (5 weeks after 25th anniversary)
Sep 12/10
She wants D 1/11
W files 5/11
D final 10/11
XW marries OM 6/13
Joined: Sep 2020
Posts: 34
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I dont know if my XW is MLC or WAS/WAW but I got a couple of vague reasons

* you eat too loud
*there’s nothing to look forward too

Those two come to mind ((shrugs shoulders))

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