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A Message from Michele
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Originally Posted by CWarrior
Hi SaltyDog, if you're willing to wait a couple of hours before replying to texts, you can wait until she asks a question before figuring out a reply. This gets you out of the realm of fantasy and into the realm of reality. The brainpower we spend worrying about WhatIf is better spent planning and executing GAL.
Makes sense and I'm good with waiting, I'm just wondering what that kind of response should entail. Do you disclose you aren't OK in any way or keep up the front that everything's groovy?

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Originally Posted by SaltyDog
Makes sense and I'm good with waiting, I'm just wondering what that kind of response should entail. Do you disclose you aren't OK in any way or keep up the front that everything's groovy?


I wouldn't. Act like you're having the time of your life. Actually, live that life. That's attractive. Become a man only a fool would leave.

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On my way to jiu-jitsu tonight I was listening to The Four Agreements audiobook and had a bit of an epiphany. I've been so gutted, so torn up about all this. Thinking of her and what she's doing constantly. Almost envying her. Then there was a part in the book, and I don't remember what it was exactly, but the word pity popped into my head. And I realized, I shouldn't be envying her, I should be pitying her. She's so confused, she has no idea what she wants, she thinks she's finding happiness but it's only going to be superficial, and she's going to ruin her family and relationships with friends. What's to envy? And suddenly the pit in my stomach released a little and I realized I'm the one who has it good. I'm the one working to be a better person, who has sons who love him and friends to count on. If things don't work out, I will be 100% fine and I am also 100% she won't be. My only worry about that is we are stuck together in some way, shape, or form for the rest of our lives because of the boys so I want her to be as ok as possible for my own sanity down the road. So instead of moping and crying I need to remember to see this as a gift and to not let it go to waste. If she asks how I'm doing, the answer is sofa king good!!!

p.s. God I love jiu-jitsu and highly recommend it. Nothing like 2 hours of someone trying to choke you or break your arms and legs to get your focus back!

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SD - that is an awesome revelation, and I am glad you had it! I remember that turning point for me - when i realized H was a mess and clearly having a difficult time, and I just felt bad for him instead of angry. Keep going on you! Even if she is later 100% fine, you also will be 100% fine, so it won't matter.

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Originally Posted by SaltyDog
On my way to jiu-jitsu tonight I was listening to The Four Agreements audiobook and had a bit of an epiphany. I've been so gutted, so torn up about all this. Thinking of her and what she's doing constantly. Almost envying her. Then there was a part in the book, and I don't remember what it was exactly, but the word pity popped into my head. And I realized, I shouldn't be envying her, I should be pitying her. She's so confused, she has no idea what she wants, she thinks she's finding happiness but it's only going to be superficial, and she's going to ruin her family and relationships with friends. What's to envy? And suddenly the pit in my stomach released a little and I realized I'm the one who has it good. I'm the one working to be a better person, who has sons who love him and friends to count on. If things don't work out, I will be 100% fine and I am also 100% she won't be. My only worry about that is we are stuck together in some way, shape, or form for the rest of our lives because of the boys so I want her to be as ok as possible for my own sanity down the road. So instead of moping and crying I need to remember to see this as a gift and to not let it go to waste. If she asks how I'm doing, the answer is sofa king good!!!

p.s. God I love jiu-jitsu and highly recommend it. Nothing like 2 hours of someone trying to choke you or break your arms and legs to get your focus back!


I love the part about how great your life will be. Try not to spend any head space worrying about what will happen to her. Odds are things won't work out for her, but maybe they will. Thinking about how she ruined her life will only cause you pain. What if life ends up being awesome for her? Will that send you spinning? I'm two years post-divorce, and it appears my XW has zero regrets.

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Salty,

I agree with Harvey, don't start considering her outcomes. There is every chance she will come out of this just fine. Or maybe she won't but you'll never know it. Either way, if you're hoping for karma or rock bottom or hard times for her as your salvation, you might be very disappointed. And if you truly love this person, wouldn't you want the best outcome for her anyway?

When my STBXW moved out in a few months ago, my Mum was there, and said her and her BF were like two excited teenagers on a big adventure. I've had no indication since that she's regretting her decision, in fact from what I understand she is loving life with the OM, but only she truly knows, so the only solution is to move on and focus on ourselves.


Me: 39 W:41
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BD & OM Jun 2020
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Originally Posted by SaltyDog
On my way to jiu-jitsu tonight I was listening to The Four Agreements audiobook and had a bit of an epiphany. I've been so gutted, so torn up about all this. Thinking of her and what she's doing constantly. Almost envying her. Then there was a part in the book, and I don't remember what it was exactly, but the word pity popped into my head. And I realized, I shouldn't be envying her, I should be pitying her. She's so confused, she has no idea what she wants, she thinks she's finding happiness but it's only going to be superficial, and she's going to ruin her family and relationships with friends. What's to envy? And suddenly the pit in my stomach released a little and I realized I'm the one who has it good. I'm the one working to be a better person, who has sons who love him and friends to count on. If things don't work out, I will be 100% fine and I am also 100% she won't be. My only worry about that is we are stuck together in some way, shape, or form for the rest of our lives because of the boys so I want her to be as ok as possible for my own sanity down the road. So instead of moping and crying I need to remember to see this as a gift and to not let it go to waste. If she asks how I'm doing, the answer is sofa king good!!!

p.s. God I love jiu-jitsu and highly recommend it. Nothing like 2 hours of someone trying to choke you or break your arms and legs to get your focus back!


This reminds me of a story about a family we know. They were the typical American family. They had met at a young age, had 3 kids. After the kids were old enough she went back to work after being a SAHM and raising her 3 kids. She eventually met another guy through work, and had an affair. When it came out of course she claimed that she had been unhappy, and that working and meeting this new guy was making her happy.

Her kids (2 grown adults now, the other mid teenage years) abandoned her. Her husband D'd her (adultery was a deal-breaker for him). She left, married the new guy, and started her new life. Her oldest daughter met a wonderful guy, got engaged. She planned her wedding without her mom. Sent her mom and invitation like you would an acquaintance and made it clear that she was invited but that her new husband was not.

We went to the wedding. We watched as her ex-H and their 3 kids behaved as a family would at a family wedding. She was on the outside looking in. When we left, the 4 of them were on the dance floor having the time of their lives. She sat in a folding chair off the side of the dance floor a complete mess, full out balling, tears streaking down her face. Was she happy? Was she really happy? Or as you point out was she only superficially so? People that turn to other people for happiness are never truly happy. This is why we advice LBSs AGAINST dating until they are truly ready. Thinking someone new can make you happy is superficial happiness. And we've seen that time and time again on this forum.

Your STBXW will wake up one day. She will realize the new guy isn't all that. She will realize what she threw away. She will realize that it cost her so much. Her kids will one day look at her and realize she was the reason for the marriage and the family breaking up. Deep down she will be miserable again, and looking externally for something to "make" her happy. She IS to be pitied just like you said because she has pain, anguish and unhappiness in front of her for a long time.

Originally Posted by SaltyDog


p.s. God I love jiu-jitsu and highly recommend it. Nothing like 2 hours of someone trying to choke you or break your arms and legs to get your focus back!


Yep! I love GAL activities that require full concentration and attention. I am on record here as my #1 GAL activity being going to the gun range. It required my full attention and focus and for that 1-2 hours I completely forgot about my WW and my sitch! So freeing................


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Originally Posted by harvey
I love the part about how great your life will be. Try not to spend any head space worrying about what will happen to her. Odds are things won't work out for her, but maybe they will. Thinking about how she ruined her life will only cause you pain. What if life ends up being awesome for her? Will that send you spinning? I'm two years post-divorce, and it appears my XW has zero regrets.

It isn't that I'm thinking she's going to be miserable down the road, I wouldn't wish that on her at all, and in the best case scenario we're together down the road. I just know right now - she's a mess. She's told me so and I'm seeing it first hand. So I'm only looking at the now, and how I shouldn't be sitting here thinking she's got it so great and moping around. I wouldn't trade places with her.

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Originally Posted by Steve85
Your STBXW will wake up one day. She will realize the new guy isn't all that. She will realize what she threw away. She will realize that it cost her so much. Her kids will one day look at her and realize she was the reason for the marriage and the family breaking up. Deep down she will be miserable again, and looking externally for something to "make" her happy. She IS to be pitied just like you said because she has pain, anguish and unhappiness in front of her for a long time.

LH's response to me earlier along the lines of "if you needed a Tinder date to feel good about yourself, you're in big trouble" is what is sticking in my mind. The fact she's turning to those places to find "happiness" is just sad. I felt sad when I'd go on there out of spite and I felt like an idiot during my date because I knew I wasn't ready or up for that. She's a very intelligent person, and if she's thinking that's where happiness is then it shows she isn't really thinking these days.

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Originally Posted by SaltyDog
She's a very intelligent person, and if she's thinking that's where happiness is then it shows she isn't really thinking these days.

That's because she's thinking with emotions right now. When decisions are made based on emotions there are sure to be consequences.


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“Don't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.”- Will Smith
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