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Re: Walk Away Spouse Fits My Ex-Wife to a "T" - Part 3 [Re: tom_l] #2910932
12/18/20 12:19 AM
12/18/20 12:19 AM
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Rose888 Offline
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Originally Posted by tom_h

Originally Posted by tom_h
R-E-S-P-E-C-T

But is all of the above addressing my point, about restoring mutual respect? Doesn't respect go to the personal as well? Couples go 20 years and after awhile they don't respect each other anymore. Doesn't that have more to do with character and accomplishments and core self, and less to do with the above? I'm just canvassing for viewpoints here. Or is fixing the respect problem automatic when everything else is humming?


I'm not completely sure I understand what you mean about respect going to the personal. But I think in many cases, the loss of respect has nothing to do with personal accomplishments. It's all about the wear and erosion of all the annoying little habits we all have, coupled with an empty love tank. Who cares if your spouse is wildly successful in his job, if he's self-centered and only focused on his own wants? And this is about perception, so if your wife feels love through gifts of service, and you are showing love in physical touch, she isn't going to feel as if you care about her needs.

Now, I do think that lack of professional success can play into a lack of respect, but usually because of the effect it has on the man's esteem and the subsequent effect that reduction in self-esteem has on the man's behavior in the relationship rather than because a modern woman inherently can't respect a man who isn't at the top of his profession. (This might be different in a marriage that is entrenched in stereotypical gender roles.)

I think if you focus on being empathetic to your partner and putting their needs ahead of your own (while still being emotionally differentiated!), you are far less likely to face a loss of respect.


Me: 44
H: 44
Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10
Together/Married: 22 years
H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16
H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
Re: Walk Away Spouse Fits My Ex-Wife to a "T" - Part 3 [Re: tom_l] #2910933
12/18/20 12:24 AM
12/18/20 12:24 AM
Joined: Aug 2018
Posts: 291
Midwest
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harvey Offline
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In regard to finding the right person, Steve85 advises to wait a year to start dating again. I'm not set on any rules. I felt ready after 9 months. Other guys probably aren't. However, I think you need to really get to know somebody before proposing. I proposed to my XW after one year of dating (pressured by her). We were married a year later. That will never happen again. I've been dating my girlfriend for 16 months. I will not propose to her until I know deep down that it can work. I will not rush into marriage. Marriage is years down the road for me.

Re: Walk Away Spouse Fits My Ex-Wife to a "T" - Part 3 [Re: Ready2Change] #2910955
12/18/20 07:53 AM
12/18/20 07:53 AM
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Posts: 199
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tom_l Offline OP
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Originally Posted by Ready2Change
From my research, a woman needs to feel loved by her man and a man needs to feel respected by his woman. I am sure there are exceptions , but this in general is the primary and the reverse is secondary.

Well now this is interesting. How do you arrive at this? And what causes respect to wane in this situation?

Re: Walk Away Spouse Fits My Ex-Wife to a "T" - Part 3 [Re: Rose888] #2910956
12/18/20 08:09 AM
12/18/20 08:09 AM
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tom_l Offline OP
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Originally Posted by Rose888
Originally Posted by tom_h

Originally Posted by tom_h
R-E-S-P-E-C-T
But is all of the above addressing my point, about restoring mutual respect? Doesn't respect go to the personal as well? Couples go 20 years and after awhile they don't respect each other anymore. Doesn't that have more to do with character and accomplishments and core self, and less to do with the above? I'm just canvassing for viewpoints here. Or is fixing the respect problem automatic when everything else is humming?

Now, I do think that lack of professional success can play into a lack of respect, but usually because of the effect it has on the man's esteem and the subsequent effect that reduction in self-esteem has on the man's behavior in the relationship rather than because a modern woman inherently can't respect a man who isn't at the top of his profession.

Rose, I think it's far more complicated than that. My gut says that it has something to do with taking each other for granted as the years pass, and being less able to accept imperfections that have been clear from the start of the relationship. Yes, one spouse can lose respect for the other if the other doesn't achieve a career goal, say, Vice President or school principal or top salesperson by age 45. But I think disrespect is pretty rampant in all relationships and it goes both ways, big time. There are many posters here who talk about not becoming MNG; isn't that all about her losing respect for him because he's MNG? And that has nothing to do with his self-esteem, right?

See RTC's comment above, he implies that it's almost inevitable that the woman will lose respect for the man.

I really hope to get a perspective here. Is loss of respect inevitable? How does one avoid it? Is one gender more likely to be on the receiving end than the other?

Last edited by tom_h; 12/18/20 08:11 AM.
Re: Walk Away Spouse Fits My Ex-Wife to a "T" - Part 3 [Re: tom_l] #2910957
12/18/20 11:25 AM
12/18/20 11:25 AM
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I see respect as something that does not dwindle. And no, you do not have to be an over achiever to be respeced. It is all how you handle yourself and how you allow other to treat you and your family. And no, you do not have to be an ass, or an [censored] about it. You have to command respect and command respect from your W as well. She will not respect you if she can walk all over you.

It is also vital that you voice your disagreements early as they appear, and not be a passive aggresive dickeah about it. That goes for your wants and desires as well. If you love hiking and your W does not, it is not love if you give up hiking because of your W, because you will resent your W for taking the hiking away from you and if you make your W go with you, she will resent you for forcing her and you will both be miserable. So if you started and told your W that you love hiking and that you plan to hike sometimes even if she does not like it, she will respect you for having a stand. That of course does not mean that you can go hiking each and every minute of the free time, you have to set aside quality time for her as well.

That being said, you have to respect her as well and not be a passive aggresive dick about it. If she likes reading, it would be very unwise to make fun of her reading by calling her a book worm or something like that. It also helps if you remember her likes and dislikes and that you listen to her.

Women love to be heard. That means that when she talks you listen and not fidget on your phone or follow a game on TV.

Re: Walk Away Spouse Fits My Ex-Wife to a "T" - Part 3 [Re: tom_l] #2910966
12/18/20 02:32 PM
12/18/20 02:32 PM
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Rose888 Offline
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Originally Posted by tom_h
Originally Posted by Rose888
Originally Posted by tom_h

Originally Posted by tom_h
R-E-S-P-E-C-T
But is all of the above addressing my point, about restoring mutual respect? Doesn't respect go to the personal as well? Couples go 20 years and after awhile they don't respect each other anymore. Doesn't that have more to do with character and accomplishments and core self, and less to do with the above? I'm just canvassing for viewpoints here. Or is fixing the respect problem automatic when everything else is humming?

Now, I do think that lack of professional success can play into a lack of respect, but usually because of the effect it has on the man's esteem and the subsequent effect that reduction in self-esteem has on the man's behavior in the relationship rather than because a modern woman inherently can't respect a man who isn't at the top of his profession.

Rose, I think it's far more complicated than that. My gut says that it has something to do with taking each other for granted as the years pass, and being less able to accept imperfections that have been clear from the start of the relationship. Yes, one spouse can lose respect for the other if the other doesn't achieve a career goal, say, Vice President or school principal or top salesperson by age 45. But I think disrespect is pretty rampant in all relationships and it goes both ways, big time. There are many posters here who talk about not becoming MNG; isn't that all about her losing respect for him because he's MNG? And that has nothing to do with his self-esteem, right?

See RTC's comment above, he implies that it's almost inevitable that the woman will lose respect for the man.

I really hope to get a perspective here. Is loss of respect inevitable? How does one avoid it? Is one gender more likely to be on the receiving end than the other?


I agree that it's more complicated than that. In fact, you choose to quote only part of only one of the three paragraphs I wrote, thus making it appear my point was something other than what it was. And right now, that's making me feel like continuing to discuss things with you and trying to help you is not a good use of my time. I might change my mind later, but I'm bowing out for now.


Me: 44
H: 44
Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10
Together/Married: 22 years
H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16
H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
Re: Walk Away Spouse Fits My Ex-Wife to a "T" - Part 3 [Re: Rose888] #2910967
12/18/20 02:34 PM
12/18/20 02:34 PM
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 27,843
Southern Maryland
job Offline

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Last edited by job; 12/18/20 06:43 PM. Reason: added link to new thread

Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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