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Hello, I've been a regular lurker here since 2016 but only registered for this forum yesterday.

My husband and I are approaching 2 years of no sex as he has no desire for me. He will kiss me hello and goodbye in greeting, hold hands and hug and stuff like that, but he has no desire to have sex with me. We are also approaching 1 year of separate bedrooms. He has the master bedroom, and I sleep with my 3-year-old. Since 2018, my husband and I have had sex 3 times - once at the end of 2018, and twice in the first half of 2019. I am losing my mind over the absence of sex and intimacy. You could say I've already lost my mind.

Last Saturday morning, my toddler was still asleep, and I went into the master bedroom. My husband was in bed watching YouTube videos about tiny houses. He invited me into the bed with him in a friendly manner. I got in the bed and eventually tried to initiate sex by kissing him in a sexual way, and he recoiled. Then he was looking up something on his phone. At first, I tried to play it off casually like it was no big deal. I went out to run an errand and get takeout, and in that time, I was stewing over being rejected. When I got back, he noticed I was upset and asked me why.

That led to a fight where eventually he was talking about divorce and using terms like "co-parenting" and "50/50 custody." That was alarming because he's not really the kind of guy whose vernacular would include such jargon unless he has been researching or talking to someone about it. He said I would have to get a job and my own apartment. I'm a stay-at-home mom (SAHM), and we have one child.

We've been married almost 7 years, and the first time he mentioned divorce was a few months after our wedding. That devastated me, the sheer mention of the word, and I think it had a way of setting the tone for the rest of our marriage. It's just one of those words that, once they're said, can't be unsaid. Yet we're still married.

I can't fathom being apart from my child to the extent that my husband is proposing. Although I have nothing against divorce per se, as something other people pursue, I am completely averse to it as an option for myself. I want to live with my child full-time, and I want my husband to live with us full-time.

I'm 43, and my husband is 52. We were 36 and 46 when we married. I was 40 when I had our child. When we were having sex (before our child came along), it was already infrequent, and there were ED issues. He started seeing endocrinologists, but they didn't have any definitive explanations at that point. When I got pregnant, it was a big surprise. We were not particularly trying to conceive, but we weren't trying to prevent it, and time kept passing without getting pregnant, so it was a surprise when it happened, and we were overjoyed when it did. He may have been taking Cialis or something like that, but he wasn't undergoing any hormone treatment.

Part of my anguish over the sexless state of my marriage, aside from the fact that I like sex and would like to experience it, is that I desperately want another child, and the window of that being possible for me is passing if it hasn't already. Yes, I know this is not an ideal situation for a child. But I'm just throwing it out there that, besides being condemned to celibacy in my marriage, there's an element of grief for me over not having another child.

At the beginning of this year, my husband was still talking about wanting another child, though we were approaching a year of no sex. He has not brought it up since then. I brought it up in the fight we had last weekend that I am grieving over the fact that another child may not be possible, and he said nothing in response.

In the last couple years, testing revealed my husband's sperm count and other numbers to be rather low. Because the usual testosterone treatments have a tendency to cause infertility indefinitely, my husband was prescribed Clomid. Now his numbers are normal, and he is still taking Clomid as far as I know. But he still has no desire for me.

Since the fight last weekend, we've just been trying to be friendly, and we have been. It's not like he's insisting I move out. I'll be signing up for the Divorce Busting telephone coaching. It's not cheap, and I'm just thinking - should I sign up for the package of 3 or 6 or 10? At first, I had it in my mind that my husband would be joining me in these phone sessions. Then it occurred to me that he wouldn't be required to, and it might actually do more harm than good if he did.

Since I'll be signing up for the telephone coaching, I thought I'd finally register for this forum. I've read both Divorce Busting and The Sex-Starved Wife. Needless to say, there's so much more to the story. But this is a start.

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Welcome! I am pasting in Cadet's Welcome posting. Please read all of the links.

Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

Yes first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htm

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.

Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072

Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...ain=57819&Number=2578224#Post2578224

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Read sexless marriage by Michele!

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Originally Posted by 1hedlite
Hello, I've been a regular lurker here since 2016 but only registered for this forum yesterday.

My husband and I are approaching 2 years of no sex as he has no desire for me. He will kiss me hello and goodbye in greeting, hold hands and hug and stuff like that, but he has no desire to have sex with me. We are also approaching 1 year of separate bedrooms. He has the master bedroom, and I sleep with my 3-year-old. Since 2018, my husband and I have had sex 3 times - once at the end of 2018, and twice in the first half of 2019. I am losing my mind over the absence of sex and intimacy. You could say I've already lost my mind.

Last Saturday morning, my toddler was still asleep, and I went into the master bedroom. My husband was in bed watching YouTube videos about tiny houses. He invited me into the bed with him in a friendly manner. I got in the bed and eventually tried to initiate sex by kissing him in a sexual way, and he recoiled. Then he was looking up something on his phone. At first, I tried to play it off casually like it was no big deal. I went out to run an errand and get takeout, and in that time, I was stewing over being rejected. When I got back, he noticed I was upset and asked me why.

That led to a fight where eventually he was talking about divorce and using terms like "co-parenting" and "50/50 custody." That was alarming because he's not really the kind of guy whose vernacular would include such jargon unless he has been researching or talking to someone about it. He said I would have to get a job and my own apartment. I'm a stay-at-home mom (SAHM), and we have one child.

We've been married almost 7 years, and the first time he mentioned divorce was a few months after our wedding. That devastated me, the sheer mention of the word, and I think it had a way of setting the tone for the rest of our marriage. It's just one of those words that, once they're said, can't be unsaid. Yet we're still married.

I can't fathom being apart from my child to the extent that my husband is proposing. Although I have nothing against divorce per se, as something other people pursue, I am completely averse to it as an option for myself. I want to live with my child full-time, and I want my husband to live with us full-time.

I'm 43, and my husband is 52. We were 36 and 46 when we married. I was 40 when I had our child. When we were having sex (before our child came along), it was already infrequent, and there were ED issues. He started seeing endocrinologists, but they didn't have any definitive explanations at that point. When I got pregnant, it was a big surprise. We were not particularly trying to conceive, but we weren't trying to prevent it, and time kept passing without getting pregnant, so it was a surprise when it happened, and we were overjoyed when it did. He may have been taking Cialis or something like that, but he wasn't undergoing any hormone treatment.

Part of my anguish over the sexless state of my marriage, aside from the fact that I like sex and would like to experience it, is that I desperately want another child, and the window of that being possible for me is passing if it hasn't already. Yes, I know this is not an ideal situation for a child. But I'm just throwing it out there that, besides being condemned to celibacy in my marriage, there's an element of grief for me over not having another child.

At the beginning of this year, my husband was still talking about wanting another child, though we were approaching a year of no sex. He has not brought it up since then. I brought it up in the fight we had last weekend that I am grieving over the fact that another child may not be possible, and he said nothing in response.

In the last couple years, testing revealed my husband's sperm count and other numbers to be rather low. Because the usual testosterone treatments have a tendency to cause infertility indefinitely, my husband was prescribed Clomid. Now his numbers are normal, and he is still taking Clomid as far as I know. But he still has no desire for me.

Since the fight last weekend, we've just been trying to be friendly, and we have been. It's not like he's insisting I move out. I'll be signing up for the Divorce Busting telephone coaching. It's not cheap, and I'm just thinking - should I sign up for the package of 3 or 6 or 10? At first, I had it in my mind that my husband would be joining me in these phone sessions. Then it occurred to me that he wouldn't be required to, and it might actually do more harm than good if he did.

Since I'll be signing up for the telephone coaching, I thought I'd finally register for this forum. I've read both Divorce Busting and The Sex-Starved Wife. Needless to say, there's so much more to the story. But this is a start.


1hl, sorry you find yourself in this situation. It has obviously not been easy, and I am sure it has really hurt your self-esteem. However, I would like to point out that this is probably less about you than you think it is. When we are in a SSM we have a tendency to internalize it. I know I did. Was I not desirable? Was I not good at it? Etc. But the truth is that your H, (and at the time my W) were going through things that neither of us could relate to or understand.

I have a feeling the ED played a big role in all of this. Especially considering the low sperm count and other numbers. If ED, and low sperm etc were at play here then he probably had a low T, and that was also affecting his desire. Plus, not being able to perform is very embarrassing for a man so he has shied away from sex with you to prevent his feelings of inadequacy. Even with the treatments to improve things, more than likely he will need to get into IC in order to overcome the psychological effects of his past issues. Now, please do not suggest that to him right now, because......

...right now the best thing you can do is to avoid all pressure and pursuit. He is probably walking around with the weight of the world on his shoulders, and feeling pretty poorly about himself. So give him time and space. You read DB, great, now get DR and read that!

So what can you do? First, go GAL. This thing has been like an anchor around both of your necks. I see you are terrified of 50/50 custody. Most LBSs with children are. But GAL will show you that there is more to life than being your H's sex-starved W, and your child's mother. That you still have a lot of life to live and that you can still go out and enjoy life! (Just avoid other men at this point because you are very vulnerable, whether you want to admit it or not, to being open to having an A.) I'd also be a leader by example and get into IC yourself! 180s and self-improvements over time are the best way to turn your situation around. It doesn't happen overnight (you can't fix in a day what took years to get into), but if you improve and be consistent at it, then it can have a tremendous impact over time.

Finally, detach your emotions and especially your emotional reactions from his words and deeds. It is not easy, but work at it. Concentrate on not outwardly reacting first and overtime your internal emotions will remain even too. Things like stewing on the rejection and then coming home and starting a fight. Obviously that did nothing to improve things!

Also, for now, drop the 2nd baby thing. Seriously, do you really want to bring another child into this marriage? And then risk 50/50 custody with another child? It is illogical with everything going on in your MR to be entertaining a second baby. I know women feel the clock ticking and that causes them to throw logic, reason and caution to the wind. But that is just one more added piece of pressure you are putting on yourself, and him, and is easily lifted. This does not require a conversation with him. It simply means to stop worrying about it. And stop making it a goal.

Eventually we'll talk about other things you can do. Like eventually moving back into the MBR. But I think right now that would just be added pressure to him. So for now concentrate on dropping the desire for a 2nd baby, GAL, 180s and emotional detachment.


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Hello and welcome to the boards. I am also the HD partner in what was a SSM and I know how difficult it can be - especially when so much of the resources around this assume that the HD partner is the man.

I look forward to hearing more from you and getting to know you.

I wanted to pick up on this:

Originally Posted by Steve85
[quote=1hedlite]

Also, for now, drop the 2nd baby thing. Seriously, do you really want to bring another child into this marriage? And then risk 50/50 custody with another child? It is illogical with everything going on in your MR to be entertaining a second baby. I know women feel the clock ticking and that causes them to throw logic, reason and caution to the wind. But that is just one more added piece of pressure you are putting on yourself, and him, and is easily lifted. This does not require a conversation with him. It simply means to stop worrying about it. And stop making it a goal.



I\m sure you already understand that now isn't a logical time for a new baby. I also am sure that if you were able to just stop worrying, then you would have done. This is a real grief. A huge and important grief. And part of GAL - helping you find yourself, your enjoyment, your own interests and friends, is also to respect and process and take care of your own feelings. This feeling of grief will not go away because you want to pretend to be logical and rational and reasonable. It needs careful taking care of. Your H can't do that for you - you have to do it for yourself. And it will be hard. It may even involve a period of counselling. But first, having compassion for yourself in that loss is important.

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Hello.

So you need to read Michelle's book "Sexless Marriage." I would be willing to bet it isn't the fact he doesn't find you attractive.

I'm in my late 20's and sex drive was a big issue for my now ex wife, although it was a couple times a week for us. So age does not always matter. Working through the medical side right now

For a guy drive/performance issues are killers to esteem, so you need to be supportive.

In terms of fertility/testosterone, he can be placed on a combination of testosterone/hcg (keeps/improves testes production). If he is on hormone stuff, don't settle for anything less than an expert!

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Steve,

Yes, I absolutely have internalized it, and I'm going nuts. It colors my whole world. The thing is, my husband tells me outright it's my fault. He says my personality turns him off. I admit, I am angry. You know how someone might say about someone else, "She's always so uptight. She needs to get laid"? Yeah. I'm a married woman, the wife of a handsome and able-bodied man, and I haven't gotten laid in nearly 2 years, and I am angry about it. The more we go without sex, the angrier I get, the more righteous of a position he's in to say it's my fault he can't have sex with me, and the more we go without sex. It's a vicious cycle.

He says he can't have sex with me because he can't get over things I said or did that hurt him. However, he has also said or done things that hurt me that I've never gotten over, but I was obligated to have sex with him when he wanted it, even if it meant painful sex for me.

For a while, we wanted to blame low T. At first, the numbers were a tad low but not definitively so. Then, a couple years later, they were rather low and maybe significantly so. So he went on hormonal treatment, and now the numbers are within normal range. But more or less, he has always had a tendency to characterize the issue as a failure on my part to seduce him.

My husband is in IC. However, I wouldn't be surprised if terms like "divorce" and "co-parenting" and "50/50 custody" get bandied about there. As far as our relationship is concerned, anything unpleasant is always my fault, and I'm sure his experience in IC just serves to drive that home as well as what a terrible wife I am. He does not have the introspection, self-reflection, self-awareness it takes to own up to anything unpleasant with regard to me or our marriage. He would rather blame me. This has always been an issue. I will probably say more about that later.

Yes, he absolutely is walking around with the weight of the world on his shoulders. More about that later.

I know I'm vulnerable to other men. The idea of cheating has always been abhorrent to me. But recently, a man who lives in a different state flirted with me over DMs on Twitter. I don't know his name or what he looks like, but it made me feel good in a way I hadn't felt in a very long time. It was harmless banter overall, but I didn't think it would sit right with his wife. So I told him to tone it down. And I haven't heard from him in a while.

I always thought the DB book was like a "new and improved" version of DR. Are they very different?

The day after our fight, my husband was outside doing yard work all day long. I took our toddler to run an errand and go for a walk in a touristy part of town. Shortly after we got back home, my husband walked in the door. Usually, after a fight, it is awkward between us, and we kind of avoid each other. But for some reason, when he walked in the door, this thought came to my mind out of nowhere along the lines of: What if my son had a wife he didn't want to be with, and what if his wife rather disliked him too? It made me have compassion for my husband in a motherly fashion, and I gave him a kiss, just a peck on the lips. I swear it wasn't pursuit. He seemed to appreciate it. I was on the verge of tears, but I don't think he noticed. We've been getting along overall, but I still get edgy. I'll try harder to not get edgy.

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Alison,

Yes, that particular point is an excruciating pain of mine. I know I should be grateful that we managed to have one child, and I am. Becoming a mother is the best thing that's ever happened to me.

There was a time when having multiple children was one of the few things my husband and I mutually really, really wanted. We would talk about it when we were dating.

Shortly after our wedding, though, he threw me for a loop when he said, "I'm not going to give you a baby [with things being as unhappy as they are]." The way he worded it and his tone made me feel like more of a subordinate than a partner, as if a baby was something for him to withhold from or grant to me. Eventually he started to want a baby again.

Sometimes I get the feeling he is withholding sex (and the prospect of another baby) as a form of leverage or a way to punish me.

Yes, I completely understand it isn't logical to have another child at this time. And I understand that a child should be wanted by both parents before one comes about. I totally get it. But it's like the "Don't think of pink elephants" thing. Trying not to think of having another child makes me think of precisely that. The best I can do is try to think of other things and hope the grief fades with time.

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Mather,

Do you mean The Sex-Starved Marriage? I read The Sex-Starved Wife, and I heard that The Sex-Starved Wife is pretty much the same as The Sex-Starved Marriage. Basically, what I heard was if you replace "he/him/his" with "she/her/hers" in The Sex-Starved Marriage, you get The Sex-Starved Wife.

My husband tells me I am physically attractive but that he has no desire for sex with me due to my personality. I don't know if the effect on me is much better than if he told me he didn't find me attractive. I feel like he's basically telling me he doesn't find me attractive.

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When I say weve been getting along, of course its still nowhere near how Id like us to relate to each other. Its like roommates who cant stand each other, trying to be nice to each other and avoid fighting. Thats what I mean when I say weve been getting along since that fight.

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