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#2909303 11/25/20 08:44 PM
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mather Offline OP
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Hi All,

New poster here. Came across DB/DR, and this site, while things were going south. No abuse, no infidelity.

I'm 29, wife was 25. I've been in several relationships, and one very long term one. Her not so much.

Married 1.5 years. No kids (fertility was a challenge, and a recent miscarriage I think a large push towards this).

Wife had a tendency to leave the house when she was upset, and go stay with family. I had a tendency to give her time/space and then request she come home. Eventually family got triangulated into the marriage, and more talking was done with them than me.

I was a recipient of the "list" which lists all the faults/issues I have. I had a tendency to listen, and then defend or refute the points, instead of practicing validating listening which is a known issue of mine. That being said it still hurts to hear that list. I did find it interesting at the time, that I really could not think of many faults/complaints about her.

She initially requested counseling 4 months into our marriage, I just felt it was learning to be married, and gave a typical response for me "that is for sissies". Subsequently things improved and then early fall started to go south. She left the house, requested counseling and I was 100% on board with it. ( as I have thought about it I believe she requested it, because she thought I would say no and would be her justification) I gave it my all, and the counselor seems to think she was already checked out. She went to a few sessions, and then stopped. I've continued the counseling and it is a fantastic tool that I will always use. He suggested we go on a date before our divorce as if we were meeting for the first time. I felt it went good, she said she felt it was a friends date, and I said well that is what the counselor said.

I started to use DB/DR techniques, and she was headed to the door as fast as she could.

She mentioned divorce 3-4 times, and I said I didn't want that that we could fix things, we could figuratively divorce the old marriage and start again with good habits. Finally she mentioned we are getting divorced, and it is happening. Subsequently I had the papers drafted, and took them to her. Again told her I didn't want it, but I was ready to give it to her since it was what she wanted. She later told family that she was surprised I had them.

Week or so later we signed, and the divorce was finalized that day.

I've been radio silent since the end of it more or less, and every 4 days or so she would reach out needing another thing she forgot at the house when she moved out, or whatever else. I'd give her the thing or answer the question she had. She also started to chase me more, and we went on a date after the divorce it was great and she agreed. She cried and said she regretted being immature, treating marriage like a relationship instead of a marriage, leaving the house etc. I didn't allow her to come back to my place, and told her we both need to take time and work on our issues. (This was the 1st time in all of this I heard her mention regret, or she could have done something different.)

Recently she did the same thing using Christmas presents as an excuse (inside joke of how much I love Christmas). I of course got excited, and she tells me that it isn't "what I think" and I told her she doesn't need to make up reasons to talk to me. She basically told me that our marriage was a practice marriage, and her next one will be her forever marriage.

This was about the most painful thing I could hear, since I feel like I tried hard to fix things, or get them on the right track again and didn't want it. I decided to block her from contacting me via text/call. I've remained civil through all of it, but I just can't take her reaching out every 4 days to a week it stops me from healing.

I have learned a lot from this, and I started on a path to improve. But it still feels like I could/should have done more.

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Welcome! I am pasting in Cadet's Welcome posting. Please read all of the links.

Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

Yes first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htm

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.

Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072

Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...ain=57819&Number=2578224#Post2578224

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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mather Offline OP
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Thanks for posting that. I'd seen it on other threads, a great read.

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How can we help you?


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
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mather Offline OP
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Hi Ready2Change,

I guess it strikes me as odd that she reaches out every 4 days to a week following divorce.
Assuming she wants attention/ego stroking, and I haven't interacted much.

My question is for the LBH, how long does it take to rebuild your confidence? I usually don't have much trouble in that regard, but I feel like I've been ran through the ringer and had every bad thing said to me that could be. I was strong at the time, and trying to re-frame things, but it does wear on a guy.


Do both parties in a D usually come up with regrets/mistakes? It [censored] to get blamed for all of it, or told that "we wouldn't be here if it wasn't for you." The way I see it I don't deserve to own 100% of more than 50%, and I've owned my issues since it headed south a few months ago.

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Originally Posted by mather

I started to use DB/DR techniques, and she was headed to the door as fast as she could.



Welcome mather, sorry you are going through this. First, on this quote, are you trying to say that DB/DR techniques hastened her wanting to leave? It is worded in such a way that implies that, but I want to make sure that I am not just inferring something you didn't mean.

Also, going and filing for her is NOT a DB/DR technique. You say you started to use them, and then the next paragraph you talk about going and drawing up the paperwork. We are very clear on this forum that you should never use filing as a "technique". All that does is result in your being D'd, usually before you wanted to be. And we also recommend never doing the WAS's dirty work for them. If she wanted a D then it was on her to go file. All of this is hindsight but I bring it up to point out that it wasn't DBing, and that if there are any readers in a similar situation they should not make the same mistake.

I like that you blocked her on calls and texts. I agree that having the WAS reach out every 4 days or so is difficult. However, what makes it even worse is if you are compelled to respond. So many LBSs feel that when the WAS reaches out they HAVE to respond. This is wrong. We have a saying around here for that and it is the illusion of action. The illusion that you must DO something. When really NOTHING is the right approach.

For no contact, the rules of engagement are easy. Avoid all direct contact (do not answer phone calls, etc). If she reaches out via text (text message, email, etc), do not respond if it is an informational message. If it is a direct question, take your time answering (do not answer right away) and then answer in as few words as possible. Yes or no questions get yes or no answers. Note, when exchanging messages with her drop all formalities. No "Thanks for reaching out." or "Good to hear from you." No salutations or closing statements. STICK TO BUSINESS.

Also, I see you mentioned starting DB techniques, but I see no mention of GAL. You elude to 180s (self-improvements) but I do not see any specific examples. And certainly you have not worked on detachment at all. So what DB/DR techniques did you start using?

Also, I sense a strong case of Nice Guy Syndrome in you. When you had the papers drawn up did you do it because you wanted a D, or did you do it because she wanted a D and you thought it would be a "nice" thing to do. NGS manifests in several ways. Putting others needs above your own. Expecting that being nice will result in you getting what you want. Covert contracts, ie "if I do this, then maybe she will do that!" Etc.

As far as the dates before D and the one after. Wow. Not sure why anyone (you, her, your C) thought any of those were a good idea. WAS love to keep their LBS hanging on. Just in case they change their mind again. Just in case Mr Right #2 doesn't come along. "Well, I always have mather I could go back to." As long as you are her Plan B you have no hope of ever being more than her friend. If you want her as a BFF then those were a good idea. Otherwise, it was a terrible idea. I am not sure what else your C is suggesting, but remember, do not settle for a C that isn't working for you. Nothing wrong with shopping around in order to find a C that is good at what they do.


Originally Posted by mather
Subsequently things improved and then early fall started to go south. She left the house, requested counseling and I was 100% on board with it. ( as I have thought about it I believe she requested it, because she thought I would say no and would be her justification) I gave it my all, and the counselor seems to think she was already checked out. She went to a few sessions, and then stopped.


This is very very common. Most WAS that agree to MC do so to "check it off the list". So later they can say "we tried everything, even MC!" Obviously, you didn't realize this when you agreed. But this is why most anti-D experts in situations like this will say to respond with "At this point I feel MC would be a waste of time. However, I have a lot ot work through so I am going to start IC for myself." This does two things. First, it lets the WAS know that without them being committed to the MR then MC is off the table. And secondly that you are serious about trying to improve yourself.

So mather, right now NC is the right approach, but you need to also be doubling down on DBing. GAL like crazy. Keep IC going and continue to 180 on bad behavior/habits. And work on detaching from her emotionally. R2C likes to say "always be DBing!"

You have a bright future ahead. And you have real life experience now that you can use to make sure your next MR is your forever MR! Either with her (not likely) or someone new (very likely).


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M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
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mather Offline OP
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Hi Steve,

Thanks for the reply, and catching that. Looks like I was thinking quicker than I typed.

I meant to say that at the onset of this I started to read, and found DB/DR, but no matter what, she seemed to be running to the door.

On the paper/filing issue, we filed them together and it was done/finalized the same day.My ex wife moved out/ was living with my family, who I think was quasi trying to help us, and maybe help me on the divorce end. Ex wife's family did not care for me, and I received word that ex/her rich dad were gonna hire a fancy lawyer to handle divorce. I don't have much to get, and am not rich, but divorce can set a guy back forever.
My thought was lets get it done and at the least get the financial part taken care of, so I am not facing that in addition to the difficulty of the relationship portion.She mentioned it 3-4 times, including saying we are getting a divorce.


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