we're expats from the US living in another country. We actually can't get divorced in the US right now because neither of us is a resident in any state anymore. To file for divorce in our home state, one of us would have to fly back and live there for 6 months to establish residency first.
We are also registered in the country we're currently living in. The problem for me is that under the laws here, I am not entitled to as much compared to the US.
Wayfarer-
Yes, in our d. agreement we will have everything else split up 50-50. Most of our assets are still in the US. I won't get any spousal support, and I'm basically doomed to getting less child support here.
My L says that my only bargaining chip is that I can refuse to D until he agrees to pay X.
well. I rather be poor than to stay married to this d*ckweed.
I'm imagining how freeing and empowering it will be when you get that job and the steady stream of income, and work out child care, and do it all on your own. You can and you will and it will be fantastic.
In/re child support, if/when you do move back to the US, the child support arrangements can change, right? That is my understanding in my state, at least-- custody and child support can always be readdressed down the line if circumstances change. I'm sure you have probably already gone through these scenarios with your L, but if not, it may make sense to understand what happens if you both move back to the US, which state and/or if you would be allowed to move back to the US if he does not. Would you need his permission? Are you getting primary physical custody? If you move back to your home state, can you petition the court there for an increase in child support at that time? Can you convert any of your shared assets to an income stream or tap into them for cash if you need that now? Would there be any leverage for you there-- for instance if you own a home together, could you force a sale to give you access to funds, and would that bother him enough to consider more child support now? IDK, I'm not an L, just thinking out loud. It seemed to me that your L's stated bargaining chip probably won't go very far with your H anyway, so wondering if there was any other potential leverage.
I've been thinking about the story with your S11 and needing to call dad to get permission to go on the trip. It broke my heart. What a f!$kwit. It feels like your son is in an impossible situation. I'm glad you were able to talk with him and call your H and get it all sorted out for him. It brought up so many questions for me, in addition to when can you tell your kids their dad is an alcoholic... would your son have not gone on the trip rather than risk asking his dad and being told no?
I'm flailing around on this one. If you guys were still together, I'm assuming you and your H would have discussed the trip and permission and decided together about whether or not S could go, and delivered that message to him as a parental unit. (or maybe you would have just signed the permission slip and been done with it.) That is gone, now. Is that something you need to wean your children away from slowly? How do they learn how to navigate this new system? Is your H even capable of functioning as half of a co-parenting unit? I'm sorry if these are hurtful questions and I don't mean them that way... it just really struck me as such a rough place for everyone to be, and wondering how that incident feels now, a week later. Sending hugs.
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
Wooba, I totally understand the need to not be married to someone like your H right now. For so many reasons, this really makes sense. And I know that we don't have the full picture of your current situation, so forgive me pushing some of these hard questions, but I have a few thoughts:
1. At this point, you don't really have a M. Is a piece of paper really worth losing financial security over at the moment? No judgement if the answer is yes.
2. I am in a dual-national M and even thought we currently live in my country, the challenges of what D would look like and citizenship and residency for the children is something I think a lot about. Are you protected if you want to take the children back to the US at anytime? Do you live in a country where parental rights and residency may not be as much in your favor as they are in the US? Could your H use your resident country rights against you if things get ugly?
3. It just feels like in your current country, you are backed up against a wall with not much recourse. Perhaps the terms of your agreement are enough to justify moving forward with D without current spousal support or child support. In which case, ignore all of my questions!
What a lot to deal with, but you sound so clear and strong, Wooba!
To answer everything in short, I will be fine even if I end up D with nothing from H. Will I be living the same way as before? No. But I can make it work. Fortunately H is not fighting me over custody so I don't have to worry about that. Whether I want to be in the US or here, I don't foresee it to be a big issue.
Update: I had my interview. phew!!! It went well and I'm talking to HR next about pay soon. I will be starting at the bottom, but this is a prestigious company that many people would kill to work there. Lots of changes are happening in the next few months!!
I bought a new little xmas tree with my kids few days ago. It's nothing compare to our old tree (H asked to come over and put up the old tree but I said no, so H took the tree to his place) but I'm loving it already. This is the kind of tree H would despise. S10 made a comment yesterday, "I think dad brags too much. He always keep saying that his cooking is the BEST and you can't find it anywhere else, and he also says that his tree is the BEST, there is no other tree like it here in this country" I chuckled and told him, "well your dad does cook pretty well, and the tree is pretty nice." On the inside I was proud of how observant S10 has become.
GAL really is the best thing you can do for yourself. My life is full, and it's good.
S10 came home from lunch with H today and told me, "Dad kept flirting with the waitress at lunch."
Me, laughing, "Flirting? What do you mean?" S10: "Like the waitress had a tattoo, so dad was commenting on her tattoo and saying that it was cute and showing her his tattoo." S10: "And he told us that we need to learn how to flirt too! We said no thanks we do not want to flirt with people who are double our age."
It is pretty common for our MLCer spouse to feel they have it all figured out. They force their smug wisdom upon the world, needing to show (themselves really) how good their new lives are.
My kids had their Mom attempt to give them relationship advice. OMG! LOL. Imagine, a married women having an affair and having throwing away her kids and marriage feeling she could and should dispense such wisdom. She raised four children with better morals than that! And it came right back at her. None of them would want a partner that would treat them as Mom treat me (or them). They do not listen to her counsel, and bluntly told her so.
That went over as well as one would expect. Mom blamed the kids and me. Stating it is the kids’ loss and they will be back. Of course, I was rather unenlightened at the time and told her she was behaving just like her Mom did to her. And it’s been 28 years since her Mom threw her away. Is she really planning to wait three decades until her own grandchildren are grown before she realizes how foolish she is being. (Hmmm, upon reflection maybe that wan’t so unenlightened after all )
Your children know who their role model is.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
wooba, big congrats on the job! This is wonderful news! Did you do something to celebrate? I also love to hear you've got your own Christmas tree this year. (And: it sounds like S10 is becoming very wise. )
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