I'm new here, but have been reading through the forums. Some background info on my situation:
-Married only 1.5yrs, we have been dealt a number of heavy blows in our first year including multiple illnesses, a major breach of trust on H's part (not infidelity), infertility, in-law issues, and financial stress.
-After the breach of trust last year, it took me a long time to move past it and I made mistakes in being resentful/angry and unappreciative.I fully own this and have apologized many times and sought IC to work on myself, but the damage was done in H's eyes, as I didn't handle it very well. I'm having a hard time not beating myself up about this.
-My part in this is that I became controlling, anxious, angry, and unappreciative after the breach of trust. H has had his fair share of the breakdown as well, but he sees it as completely my fault. I have learned recently to not argue and just validate his feelings.
-Tried MC this summer but H was already checked out, so it was ineffective. MC told us to not come back until he checked back in. H is not willing to go back to MC.
-H asked for legal separation in October. We have been living in the same home (legally separated), but I am moving out in two weeks.
-Up until 2 weeks ago, H was saying no chance of reconciliation. Now he is saying maybe there is a chance but he doesn't know if he can move past his resentment/anger. H says when he is alone then he starts thinking about all the things I did wrong and he gets angrier, however, when we are together he seems to mostly enjoy his time with me.
-H has agreed to remain monogamous for 3 months so we can evaluate at that point if there is any chance / forward progress. H has recently also started to be affectionate again sporadically, but still maintains that he wants to separate and may never forgive me or be able to reconcile. H is very depressed about the separation and says he feels conflicted, but refuses to put the separation on hold.
-I have worked hard on myself to let go of the bad habits I picked up last year and to show more appreciation, own my part, etc. H says he doesn't believe the changes are authentic.
-If it's not obvious, I'm the pursuer and H is the distancer.
How do I increase my chances of saving my marriage once I have moved out? H has agreed that we can stay in touch and maybe meet once in a while depending on how he feels once I'm gone. He has a lot of anger/resentment to process and has put 100% of the blame on me. I am trying to keep interactions positive. I am worried he is going to feel angrier / more resentful once I leave and he has more space to think about it all. At this point, I would do anything to save my marriage and he knows it.
I am feeling extremely anxious and depressed, but trying not to show it to him. I am having a very hard time emotionally detaching and not ruminating. Any tips? We are in lockdown here, so it is hard for me to see people or do activities. I'm barely keeping it together at work. Things I'm already doing: weekly IC, medication, walking my dog, yoga & meditation, gratitude journaling.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Your H or W is giving you a GIFT. THE GIFT OF TIME. USE it wisely.
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Welcome and sorry to hear you are in the sitch you are in.
First question, why are you moving out if he is the one that wants to separate? That doesn't make sense. Unless, of course, you are trying to "nice" him back. You cannot nice him back.
Second, what was the breach of trust? This seems core to your situation and it will make it a lot easier to understand your sitch if we at least know what it was.
Finally, you ask how to increase your chances of saving your marriage? Well what you are asking is how you control another person. You cannot. Marriage requires two people that want it to work. This is why your MC sent you guys away because it is impossible to save a marriage if one person wants to end it. You are like a lot of us that came to this forum. "Tell me what to do or say to fix my marriage!" Unfortunately, there is nothing you can do or say to do that. I know that is not what you want to hear, but it is, unfortunately, the truth.
So what should you be doing? You should be reading DR by MWD. You should be reading all of the links job listed above. You should be backing off and giving him a lot of room and space. You should be focusing on yourself, and not on him. Out GAL. Continuing IC and self-improvements (become a woman only a fool would leave!). And working on detachment. You need to work on getting to a place where your emotions are even and steady no matter what he says or does.
Focus on what you can control (YOU) and not what you cannot (HIM).
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Thank you for the tips. I have read most of these links, but there are a few I haven't read yet and I will read now. I understand what detachment is but I'm having a lot of trouble actually doing it. I would really like to get to a place where my emotions aren't dictated by his feelings towards me anymore.
Steve:
1) I can't legally kick him out and he refuses to leave. I was advised by family & friends that I should move out if he refuses, so we can have space. Maybe this wasn't the best advice, but the lease is signed and deposit down now. He does not want me to stay and told me the best chance at reconciliation is for him to have space.
2) hidden addiction. I helped H get sober and after that, the trauma of the deception & some frightening incidents hit me. I developed some trauma-related anxieties & unhealthy behaviours, which are being addressed in IC. I see my part and I'm willing to work on myself. I want to be the best version of myself. I should mention that our relationship was healthy before the addiction appeared (worked through conflict in a healthy way, equal commitment, no rescuing/controlling behaviour on either part).
Thank you for the tips. I have read most of these links, but there are a few I haven't read yet and I will read now. I understand what detachment is but I'm having a lot of trouble actually doing it. I would really like to get to a place where my emotions aren't dictated by his feelings towards me anymore.
Steve:
1) I can't legally kick him out and he refuses to leave. I was advised by family & friends that I should move out if he refuses, so we can have space. Maybe this wasn't the best advice, but the lease is signed and deposit down now. He does not want me to stay and told me the best chance at reconciliation is for him to have space.
2) hidden addiction. I helped H get sober and after that, the trauma of the deception & some frightening incidents hit me. I developed some trauma-related anxieties & unhealthy behaviours, which are being addressed in IC. I see my part and I'm willing to work on myself. I want to be the best version of myself. I should mention that our relationship was healthy before the addiction appeared (worked through conflict in a healthy way, equal commitment, no rescuing/controlling behaviour on either part).
On #1, you should have consulted a D attorney. Likely would have told you but you move out. Plus you cannot believe anything he says. He likely doesn't even know what he is saying. For instance, he claims when he is alone his anger and resentment towards you grows. Yet thinks you moving out will help. Doesn't add up, does it?
I'm not seeing what the breach of trust was? That he was secretly addicted? Or that you didn't handle it well? I'm confused.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I did consult an attorney. They advised me that because we rent and he was in the apartment first, it would be difficult for me to keep our apartment.
Yes, secretly addicted. There were a lot of lies over several months relating to this. I did handle it well in the beginning in getting him help and helping him through relapses/detoxes, but after that I had very little support for myself and it caught up with me. I don't want to go into too much detail on a public forum.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted by Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
I did consult an attorney. They advised me that because we rent and he was in the apartment first, it would be difficult for me to keep our apartment.
Yes, secretly addicted. There were a lot of lies over several months relating to this. I did handle it well in the beginning in getting him help and helping him through relapses/detoxes, but after that I had very little support for myself and it caught up with me. I don't want to go into too much detail on a public forum.
Ah ok! Great. For some reason I had in my head you owned your home together.
I see, so the breach of trust was that he was hiding using from you? (I get not wanting to be to explicit on a public site, but am just trying to understand where the breach of trust was.)
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Also, read or listen to “Love must be tough”. It even has a part about a spouse with alcoholism/addiction.
Me: 34 Stbxw: 30 D:5 D:3 Mini bd: May/June 2019 Married: Aug 2019 BD: 6th Dec 2019 OM Confirmed: Feb 2020 March 2020: I filed for D Waiting for D to be finalized and W to move out end of January 2021
