Honestly, I don’t know how to handle my dad anymore . What’s the right thing to do? Do I teach out first? Do I want for him to come to me? I don’t even know. He’s the only family I have. He’s 71 and stubborn as F. And that may never ever change. But I really don’t want to be the one to reach to out. Because I do know what will happen when I do. I’m not in a good place to deal with that right now. Is it ok to protect myself for the time being? Or do I just give in for the sake of peace. That’s usually what I do. But i legit do not want to do that right now. And I feel like a crappy person for that.
As far as that kid. Oy vey. I do believe it’s normal to separate on a level from the parent the person she loves the most to establish an identity . It really truly is brutal. She’s just so mean about it. When I say I do everything for her, I mean take her to do what she wants, let friends come over, vice versa, order in what she wants, blow dry her hair straight when she asks ( 45 min process) that kind of stuff. I do not do her chores. She has been doing her own laundry since atleast 10. And that is unpaid and a part of picking up her rent to live here, lol. To earn money to get her nails done and her job is the dishes. She gets additional jobs to make more money if she chooses. She cleaned her room yesterday and swept and mopped the kitchen because she wanted more money. Getting her to do any of this is like torture, though. But I won’t do it for her. If I go grocery shopping she has to come outside and help me with the bags and put the groceries away. I can’t run this household without her pitching in . And I shouldn’t have to. She is just nasty and says mean snarky condescending things. Example, I was doing a wash and I asked her if she wanted to put her hoodies in them. She did. I put the laundry in at night and switched it over in the morning. She’s looking for said hoodie and says “ ugh, you left everything in the wash forever, are you going to wait forever to dry it?” Um, I did switch it, and I said “who the F do you think you are talking to?!?” Its comments like this constantly. It’s like living with my ex husband quite honestly. Maybe where she learns it from? Just something mean and uncalled for and disrespectful all the time. I explained the proper question was “mom, is my sweatshirt dry yet?”
I just really never hear a kind word at all anymore. I do take things away, but the one thing I don’t take away is time with her friends, because rarely gets it anymore and I think the more she doesn’t have it the worse she will be. However, she did ask to have her friends over next Monday and I said we will have to see.
She did text me at 11pm last night “ love you”
And I know she does. I’ve went through every stage of her life with no one to here to relate to, to discuss with, to support me, to back me up. I’ts really difficult to do alone your whole kids life. And it’s a way different dynamic than having 2 parents in a household. There are 2 adults at her dads house and only one here. And even though no one else would ever father my kid, at least when I had someone to just escape with or give me a little support, compassion, understanding, and love, it’s a little easier.
I was thinking about how my mother made it only to 47 on pain until she took her own life. I am 7 years off that age. It gives me the chills.
Ahhh. Anyways, thanks for the vent and advice. It’s me and the dog tonight, I’m going to cook some dinner and continue with my house projects. Tomorrow is another day
You are not your mom (or your dad, for that matter) thank goodness! So you can stop worrying about becoming either one of them. If you don't feel like contacting your dad right now, don't do it. Either he'll contact you or you will contact him when you're in a better headspace. He's not gonna change at this age so you just need to figure out how best to manage him. And what you're managing now is not giving him an opportunity to welch on his deal. So delaying communication may be a good strategy for now.
I do recommend you track your daughter's moods for a month - I wouldn't be surprised if you see a pattern.
Sounds like you're keeping good boundaries with her. I used to say my kids thought I was really stupid when they were teens until they were about 23, then all of a sudden mom was a genius again!
You might be right, that she's imitating things heard in her father's house. Or she may just be going through some moody teen drama. Don't take it personally.
BTW - is your dad on FB? If so, how about just posting a nice photo of the finished work and saying something publicly about how great your dad is for doing this for you. That way he can feel thanked and you don't have to open the door for a private discussion where he tries to get you to pay part of it.
Honestly - do you think your dad just overpromises - like he WANTS to be the generous dad but then finds himself in over his head? Or is he just stingy and starts to rethink it after the reality of what he's spending hits him? Just so you know, either way, this is not normal dad behavior. But it's what you have so just figure out how best to manage him.
Also - re: your daughter: I think this is just typical teen stuff, but just wonder if there's any possibility she's heard or surmised something at her father's house that is affecting her behavior towards you? For instance, I imagine if she had in any way confronted her father or his wife over the fact that their relationship started as an affair (am I right in remembering that she's figured that out?) then it's possible that one of them defended themselves by somehow putting the blame off on you. Might be worth just listening closely.
(My aforementioned son who said he used to think his father "shat gold" was relating to me how my ex, towards the end of our marriage, would complain to our son that I was "lazy" - which I absolutely was not, I was exhausted due to a medical condition. It took time and son having his own medical problems, which his father was not sympathetic about, for son to see the truth about my ex's behavior towards me.)
Sounds like you're keeping good boundaries with her. I used to say my kids thought I was really stupid when they were teens until they were about 23, then all of a sudden mom was a genius again!
I was going to chime in with this very thing.
As tough as it is - and I know that it is indeed tough - it's pretty much completely normal. I went through this with both of my kids. A "lot" easier to do when there are 2 parents to double-team the kid. Part of what makes it tough is that she was / is such a sweet kid.
I had this up close and personal from my son, especially after he moved home, it was just the 2 of us and there was the extra stress of his mom and I splitting. It was as if he was holding me to a higher standard and not realizing that Dad is "just zis guy, you know". In hindsight undoubtedly part of the problem for me and perhaps for you is that the kid has the perception of options. My son spent pretty much zero time with his Mom but I'm sure things were all sunshine and puppies when he did see her.
As always this is one of those things that the only answer is time. Time for little G to realize that Mom is just a woman doing the best she can in difficult times. That the world doesn't revolve around her and that real life as opposed to the Disney life with her Dad that isn't the norm.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
My sister is living the nightmare with two kids, both of them have that attitude of entitlement. I sure hope kml is right that maybe 23 might be the golden number. I have never seen kids act the way they do. Their father was killed 16 years ago and as a single mother, she's worked jobs she hated to give these kids what they need. She has put them before herself and has paid their college tuition so that they would not have loans. I do not know if it's the people that they are in communication with, but I do know that my nephew has issues concerning my sister selling the home that they lived in for 7 years. She and the kids moved out 6 years after their father died and it had been vacant and became a money pit for about 11 years. Now, the nephew keeps bringing up about her selling off all of his father's stuff. Unfortunately, he doesn't have a clue that his father's stuff in stored at my house and my mother's house. His attitude is just plain down right ugly. My sister has been a saint, but at the age of 23, 4 years of college and waiting to be called to work at the PO, if he were cussing after me, he would be shown the door and told "take a ride and when you have calmed down, then we can have a discussion."
The generations after us are getting more and more entitled. I saw it a lot in the work place.
I know it's frustrating and difficult not to say something, but try to remain calm. As for your father, I think I would leave him be for a while. You tend to be the one that always reach out first. This time, let him do it.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I really appreciate all of the advice. As far as D13, trying to distinguish normal teen behavior and just blatant disrespect has been tough. I definitely know when it’s hormonal, she lets me know. I think I a lot is this entitled generation as job says. They expect maximal return for minimal effort and think they have the right to talk to their parents as if they owe them something . I try really hard to correct that because I hate it. I also try to be reasonable as I know this is a tough time that no one has ever navigated as a parent until now with this pandemic. And some days I’m so worn to the bone, I don’t have the fight in me. I do know her dad and his wife don’t badmouth me, so I’m not concerned about that. Actually, D13 says OW is always talking so nice about me. I guess I’m just going to have to hold firm to my boundaries and hope she learns.
As far as my dad, he did call today. He started in on me for not calling him with a guilt trip, but I managed to stop that one in its tracks before it got bad. We didn’t discuss anything about what happened and I’m fine with that. Thing s are back to normal without having it out, so I’m glad about that that. And KML, my dad thinks social media is the devil!
Second covid vaccine today, hopefully the effects won’t be so bad.
I saw today on our census that my ex’s uncle was admitted with COVID. Not on my floor, but the one below. It’s so weird because I can’t say anything to my ex because of privacy, obviously . I hope they haven’t seen eachother anytime recently. And I also hope he’s ok. Not the healthiest guy, he’s lived rough lifestyle. He’s a really sweet man though. Hopefully he’s ok. I think I’ll go swing by his room tomorrow and wave in the window. He’s always been so nice to me, I saw him a year ago at the grocery store and we chatted for some time. Funny story, and I never knew it until I began dating ex was that the mom of my best friend in 2nd to 6th grade dated him for years, while we were friends. I saw him all the time and never put it together it was him until I began dating ex.
Hey G. I remember when my sweet boy would get annoyed suddenly if I walked into a room. He didnt like the way I breathed. If I said blue, he said red..if i said up, he said down. It drove me crazy for awhile until I realized..all those hormones and all the changes in his life were big to him.
He was thinking about high school and dating and all the challenges of becoming a teenager. It had nothing at all to do with me. I was just the closest person to him so he felt safe to lash out.
I will tell you to pick your battles wisely. It isnt worth it to fight all the time. She wont even realize what you are saying. It will be awhile but one day your girl will be back.
To me, it wasnt necessary or even worth it to constantly correct him. In some ways, he couldnt help it. Other ways, he could. I focused on the really big stuff. The rest...I let slide.
He didnt even remember any of it or his behavior a couple of years later. He thought I was nuts!
I did my thing. Gave him space. Set my boundaries and let it run its course.
Time to dig in.,,its going to be a bumpy ride for awhile.
I guess I’m just going to have to hold firm to my boundaries and hope she learns.
They will fight you on the boundaries but in reality, they find it comforting that they are not allowed to just go out and do anything they want. They actually do appreciate on some level that we keep them from the worst excesses of their impulses.
Can't you ask the uncle if your ex knows and if it's ok with him for you to let ex know?
So my ex did tell me the next day. Little did I know they couldn’t find his uncles contact and he was confused so they did utilize me. It was my exFIL with the old old phone number . So my ex became a contact person and so did my ex’s aunt. He is having a really rough go, is still in high flow and will need rehab. I anticipate a long hospital stay.
Work is fine, I’ve been working a lot and I’m actually calling out of work tomorrow. I have lots of time and I am taking D and her friend to my dads for the weekend so I have no time to catch up on house stuff.
We got our annual performance review at work and my supervisor is fairly knew although we all knew her from working a different position. She gave me exceeds expectations and just praised me to death. That was nice. And it will give me top raise. Im pretty sure everyone got a glowing review, but I’ll take it.
I’m still in lots of pain in my right foot/ankle and will get getting another MRI Saturday. If I could have anything, it’s for this to be fixed so I can resume my activity and have a life.
I was reading on someone else’s thread and it got me thinking. My D will be 14 this year. I will not be trying to blend families or live with another man until she’s off to college. It’s another chapter to mourn in my life. She’s just too old for it to know and those years are too risky to try to Attempt such a big life change. If and when I ever do live with someone else, it will have been over 20 years since I have lived with another adult. I have no idea how you can go from 20 years of adulthood alone to cohabitating. M was my last chance at that. It makes me sad and scared .
I also read a lot on newcomers with these new divorcees about my age who want to enter the dating pool right out of the gate without dealing with their own stuff, and OMG, that’s what’s out there for me now. Men who can’t be alone and are still stuck on their ex wives. God help me.
My love life seems more and more hopeless day by day and that is difficult to deal with. Life has been pretty lonely. Come home, do house work, cook dinner, eat, and eat alone, go to bed. No one to talk about my day woth. No one to give me a shoulder rub, no one to have conversation with. And my friends are so distanced now with this pandemic. It’s literally no one out there.
My work friends/friends/ my expressly physical therapist said I’m invited to their wedding, her fiancé has a boat and she said I am definitely coming on it this summer, and we discussed some trips down the shore ( yes, Jersey talk) that should be fun. But I literally still feel like every day passes and I have nothing to look forward to.
But in good news, D13 has been better. I think she knew I was getting serious. Let’s see how long this lasts.
And my dog, well, I have him. Like I said, he really is my therapy dog . Even D13 said “ I wanted the dog so bad and you weren’t all for it and now he’s the best thing that ever happened to you” she’s right. I don’t even mind when he wakes me up at 2am, lol.
That’s it. I’m still in a lot of pain, still lonely, but atleast my daughter is nicer and my dad is too
