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A Message from Michele
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Ginger1 Offline OP
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I tried to edit and of course canít.

And to make this even tougher..... I have witnessed all of this and witness all of this is solitude . It all seems oddly cruel. Maybe life is still teaching me some lesson. I dunno

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Ginger,

If you hit the report button and tell me what you want edited, I will be happy to do so for you.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Girl, youíve done an amazing job. I think of myself as pretty tough but Iím not sure I could have done what you did. And just remember - people who put all that stuff out there in FB are often compensating and presenting things as they WISH they were, not as they really are.

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I'm sorry you had that happen, G. I can't say I know how you feel because I haven't been in that situation, but I do feel terribly for you. Often times, when you talk about your XH and his W, I find myself in her shoes, because I don't have children of my own. But, I have 5 lovely, beautiful, amazing daughters whom I am very proud of and couldn't love anymore even if I had given birth to them. Your posts often make me wonder if their mothers harbor resentment toward me for thinking of their daughters as my daughters too. I know your situation is different from mine in that she was your XH's affair partner. I was never the OW so maybe that is the difference. I so wish I could do something to make it better for you, but I don't know what that would be. Please try and remember what an amazing job you've done with your daughter, on your own. She's a beautiful, intelligent, lovely girl and that is ALL you! ((((((((((((((G)))))))))))))))))

I'm wishing you better luck and all good things in this new year.


Me 51, H52
Bomb drop 9/29/2014
Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships)
7 grandkids
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Ginger1 Offline OP
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Thank you. Sometimes I feel like I am tough as nails, sometimes I think of myself as emotionally weak when it comes to them. I have managed as long as I have in the way that I have from kind of not thinking of the reality of how we got where we are. I used to think I had to give myself exposure therapy to become numb to things. My IC assured me that I do not, why torture myself? This is why I block every ex boyfriend. Donít want to see a thing so that I donít have to feel like pain. But I guess seeing this triggered the pain I manage to avoid .

Dawn, I imagine stepmother if is very difficult . I experienced somewhat of that twice. I do know that loving a kid that has a mom and dad already like a child of your own is rewarding and difficult. I felt and still feel the loss so hard of Mís son.

My pain and the difficult in this certainly is from her being the OW. For her robbing me of the chance to even get to be a family with my ex and my child. For knowingly dating a married man with a baby on the way. We can all say that if it wasnít her, it would have been someone else. But the truth is , it was wrong. Horribly wrong. And even if he was a bad person of cheating, maybe I would have had some more time with family. Not struggling as a new mother completely on my own. Because I know my ex would have never left if someone else was in the picture. Not that would have been healthy. But we didnít even get a chance. What they did affected my life greatly as a mother, as a person, in my career. They seriously rocked my world in a bad way.

Anyways. Luckily, Iím over the feelings I got when I saw what I did. They are fleeting these days and Iím able to feel and move on from it.

Most people get the chance to love again after something like this and be in a relationship and truly get the feeling they knew it all happened for a reason. I never got that. I actually have had to deal with my pain without another relationship. Not many have had to get deep in my pain before someone else came along and lessened it. Itís been all my work. For many many years. I have some added harder layers to my work, but Iím managing. I do hope the future holds good things for me. Iím just trying to make it through each day right now and try to find a little joy. Which I do.

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I'm sorry you saw that .I echo both Kml and Dawn. I'm glad you're moving through it .

Regarding going deep into the pain - it's perversely the only way I've found to truly heal.

xoxoxo


M 20+ T25+
S 15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
H moved out 4/24/15
D Final 12/23/16

"True love travels on a gravel road."
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Originally Posted by Ginger1
They celebrate their 10 th anniversary on April fools. Iíll say, itís one thing to have your husband cheat and leave, but then have to witness the affair and her being a family with your child for the rest of your life, is like a lifelong punishment in many ways. Sometimes I feel like I must be a super horrible person to have to witness this for the rest of my life. And I guess I also feel my anger building because I think there is a chance he is a better person and a better partner now. Even my dad who has wanted to murder him says it. Itís whatís best for D13 for sure. But again, huge pills I have swallow and not choke on.


G, I understand why you would take it personal, but fight that thought!!! Him being a better person in his new R is not an indication of something wrong with you, it just shows his journey may be moving into him growing (maybe). And even then, you know better to look at FB as a way to judge things, FB really only shows the "perfect" parts of a R and rarely shows the true reality. Dating can be a [censored] show at times for everyone and you just don't see that broadcasted on the outside. Trust me on that, never use FB to judge something. Life works in strange ways, and rarely is it fair. I can relate to so many of the struggles you face, some of your stories you posted early on I ended up having very similar ones in same ways. Even the April fools days being your ex's anniversary. I was married to my ex on April 2nd and her fiancť (they will be married this year) divorced his ex-wife on the same day. Watching them "look" like this great family on the outside for the last 6 years can be difficult, but really remember things aren't always as they appear. Look, I get this [censored] [censored] and I know how much you want a healthy relationship, you absolutely deserve it. You will have it, its not going to be in the timing you want, but its out there waiting for you. So keep focusing on you and meeting your own needs until someone else can step in and meet some of them also.


Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
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Ginger

Sorry you have been feeling so down. Itís easy to feel that way when your in an environment and climate that makes it hard to do the things that bring you joy and confidence. Fingers crossed that things will start getting better in spring.

I agree with Fogg - fight that thought. Reframe it. I know itís hard to see it but OW did you a favor. She took a pos out of your life. Your ex has not grown. He was flirting with you several months back and not too long ago you described situations where he was very disrespectful to current wife. I would rather be single and free then with someone treating me the way he does his current wife. Most women and men that are in long term relationships like that end up with cancer or hormonal issues in addition to depression. Weird but true. They become shells of themselves.

Thank her for getting him out of your life.

Look at how popular and warm and interesting you are. People have always been drawn to you because you have something unique and positive about you. You have wisdom and empathy and strength because of what you have been through but also more. Seriously Ginger. Being with him would have destroyed that.

He might have stepped up with daughter. But Iím sure itís because itís easier when the kids are grown up and require less direct supervision. Donít give him that because he doesnít deserve it.

Anyway - just get through these next couple of months. Your in the trenches right now but it will turn around.

Hugs

J


M: 42
H: 43
Twins age 5
WAH in summer
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Ginger1 Offline OP
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Juju, I donít think anyone has ever spoke so highly of me. Thank you. It actually made me cry a little.

I imagine all these years with him would have killed the best parts of me. You both are right, Iím happy to have preserved my gifts as a human, I would hate for someone else to take them away from me. Iíve luckily knocked those thoughts out of me. Just seeing it was rough, but I certainly know that social media doesnít show it all. Usually only the good parts. What is shown is what that person wants the world to see.

My reality is Iím barely getting through most days. But I am getting through. My foot only got worse since surgery and itís my Achilles now and I basically cried to my podiatrist yesterday ( Iíve been seeing him for 5 years and he is considered a colleague now too) and he legit felt bad. I have to imobilize my ankle for a month which means I canít do much and I canít use my brand new spin bike. It is what it is. This needs to heal. I can barely walk to my car. I want to be ready by spring because I want to hike and bike and do all the fun outdoor things you can do solo and during a pandemic. So Iím going to what I have to do.


My dad had this guy he employs for his coop ( my dad is the president) come and put a new ceiling and lights in my living room . A gift from my dad. We all know how those gifts go. He didnít get a price until it was done, then he sent the cost to me in a text ( and he got overcharged but wonít hear it) I had asked him if it was a gift not to send the price. He did it anyways and I called him out on it. Pretty sure he is mad at me. I mean come in, who says ď Iím going to give you a gift, and this is how much it costs?!?Ē

Anyways, it is what it is. I predicted this was going to play out as it did.

Iím off today, finally. I was exhausted and getting cranky. Unfortunately I didnít take my sleeping pill last night and didnít sleep. Oh well.

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Ginger,

Would it help your foot to heal if you had one of those little scooters that you place your knee on and keeps your foot up off the floor? I am so sorry to read that your foot is still giving you a painful fit.

You are a fighter, but your have a heart of gold and you give me the impression that you would do anything for anyone if they asked you for help. Don't be afraid to ask those same people for help. You are not in this world alone and it's time that others come to your aid.

Now about your father, what is wrong with him? He says the remodel is a gift and yet presents you w/the bill. Does he think that you should be kissing his feet because he did this? To me, he is way out in left field. I do not understand him at all. Why even do these things for you and then talk about how much they were? Is he trying to guilt you or make you beholding to him? I just don't understand why and how a father would exhibit this behavior to his child, much less, his only child. I wouldn't worry too much about him being angry. He's the one that needs to get over himself. If he didn't inquire as to how much it would cost, then that is on him....not you.

Hold your head up, back straight and always look in that mirror and know that you are a wonderful person who has and is continuing to work hard, provide a home for your daughter and yourself. You have done all of this on your own. Be proud of what you have accomplished and continue to accomplish.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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