The title of my thread comes from the wording inside of a bracelet that was left on my porch. A friend new I was struggling and got me this anonymous gift . And that what I have to do. Keep f%#king going. It’s not easy though. I seem to get pummeled lately.
I became symptomatic with bad body aches and a small cough. It is not much, but it was enough to make me paranoid to go to work. I called in today and let work know. I can deal with the sickness. I can’t deal with exposing others. I had a test scheduled for Monday, but I took D13 and i to a testing center. The doc has to look at you for a min... and they looked in my throat and said I have lots of post nasal drip and that’s probably where my cough is coming from. There are quite a few positives from the shared office space this came from. I was the only exposed person outside of it. We will get our test on Monday and hopefully everything will be fine. And maybe we can still have thanksgiving. It’s been a little scary, but mostly an inconvenience.
On a different front. The ex wanted to talk about vacation dates for the summer. Apparently he is taking D13 away twice, once for 2 weeks and once for 1 week. The two weeks is to Hawaii. I am happy my daughter will get to experience Hawaii. However, I am upset about it. I am upset my daughter will be gone for 2 weeks so freakin far away. Doesn’t sit well. I guess I’m sad I can’t be the one to give her something like that. Then I’m upset that my daughter is going on a trip of a lifetime with THEM. Just the 3 of them. It crushes me and makes me cry every time I think about. Like right now as I’m typing it. Tears. ExH and I went to Hawaii with his family in 2000. That’s my memory of Hawaii. And now I think of the 3 of them . One big happy family in Hawaii. It’s the one thing after 13 years that still sends me reeling inside. I have more than gracious and accepting. But this feels like a knife in my heart.
I have to just keep f%^king going. But it is just getting harder and harder to do so.
Last edited by job; 11/21/2004:54 PM. Reason: added link to previous thread
why is it always hawaii?? i will never ever go there, by choice. It's forever tarnished for me by the secret second honeymoon exh took with OW on our 21st wedding anniversary --- you know the trip, the one he tried to stick me for 1/2 the bill on, because he was "paying my living expenses" --- in our family home, three months after he left us. Yeah. F hawaii. Doesn't exist in my universe.
Petty? Probably, but that's exactly how I feel, all these years later.
I get it G, I really do -- this isn't what you signed up for when you got married and had your baby girl. Me neither. But it's what we have, so we can either deal or not ... our choice. For me, I allow myself a certain amount of grieving time around these things as they happen, then do as your thread title suggests. You will get through this.
Far more concerning is the symptoms. I'm waiting with you on the results and am praying you are both negative. xoxoxo you know where to find me if you need to talk. ever. xoxoxo
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Thanks, bttfly . I’m trying not to stay there too long. It’s just a trigger for me. I actually told my ex as much. He validated my feelings. Something he had never done when we were together. Someone at work who has just gotten to know me told me “nothing ever shakes me “ and I handle even stressful situations on an even keel. Ha! If people only knew what I was feeling inside sometimes. But there is often two parts of me, one that feels so hard, and another that’s kind of outside of my body where I just handle it . Hard to explain.
I wish I would just have normal covid symptoms. Today I have had god awful vertigo to the point I thought I might vomit. I have never had vertigo before. Aside from being an orthopedic nightmare, I am a very very healthy person. I don’t get sick, I dont have weird symptoms of anything and I am generally in good health aside from my aches and pains. I still have no idea what’s in my head or what’s real. What are the odds of me getting a cold which I never ever get at the same time I’m exposed to COVID? I don’t know.
I was talking to a friend today and I realized I haven’t gone on a. Date or even chatted with a guy since July. Who knows when it will be time again. COVID almost feels like it has sealed my fate. I’m going to be single forever.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I don’t know how I feel today, lol. I woke up feeling good, and now the dizziness is back. I have a little runny nose but I’m not congested to the point I should be so dizzy. I just wish I had an answer. My test will come back tomorrow and I am scheduled for another test which I was going to cancel but I decided to take the test, in case my other was too early. This is really stressful. I just wish I knew. I don’t want to infect anyone. I can deal with it if I have it, and if this is it, I’m fine. But I have a bad feeling I will be all alone on thanksgiving when I have D13 and we had plans. He will take her with a negative test, but even if mine is negative, I don’t know how good I feel about going to my dads.
The worst fear and apprehension right now is infecting someone else. I’m trying to isolate the best I can. I need stuff at the store I can’t even get . I sent D13 in one place since its least likely she’s infected .
Thanks for checking in.‘I hope 2 weeks pass soon and I get all negative tests and I can still get my foot surgery
Good news is D13’s test came back negative. Mine is still pending. I think it’s still Pending because it needs a physician review. I think I have it.
In one way, I hope I do, because I am already isolated, already spending thanksgiving alone, etc. I don’t want to, because then D13’s dad won’t take her. And she is so upset about that. I hate this
