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When you tell your story to another human being, sometimes you realize how crazy it sounds.
You said it!!
I just caught up with an old friend from HS who has been D'd since 2012. She was telling me how he would bring these two blue lawn chairs to the kid's bball games and each game his 2nd chair had a new woman in it. (She kicked him out at OW 3) but the bball moms counted 21 new women during the divorce process.
It's good to stay grounded and saying some of this out loud, or typing it out, as it were, helps.
lol Dating in 2021 - Covid vaccine - check!, STI screening check! gah. What a world.
Day 5 - A hard day. I burned the bridges that usually bring us back together, Facebook and texting. Without this finality, I worried I would get roped back into the cycle again for round four. I don't want to end up in one of those situations that spins endlessly.
Message not sent: "I love you--that's why I blocked your calls, texts, and social media. I love you, but Wednesday you got mad out-of-the-blue, told me to leave, told me we were toxic because I abandoned you, then told me you were so scared and gave me only 45 minutes to reply before telling me we were over. I love you, but you keep threatening to break-up and that scars me deeply. As much as I love you, I love me too, so I must love you from afar. I hope your life is happy and rewarding. On cold nights, remember our warm memories, and know you are loved. Farewell, my love."
Hi CW - write a list of why you had to have 3 rounds. All the reasons you didn't work out.
Remember that, the reality - not the end of relationship memories that make us think that we are losing all the great things.
You see it all the time here. We all come shattered from the breakup remembering all the happy times, the best versions of our exes - you know the routine. Don't do that. Remember why.
Good job on not texting that. Great that you came here and wrote it out. I've found it helps me.
I'm very sorry for your suffering, but you truly can't go back to a relationship with a glass bottom. It's not sustainable. In time this will heal, if you go back for another round, it just prolongs the pain.
@97Hope, thank you for your thoughtful replies! I will try that exercise soon. I plan to reply to your thread, once you start a new one--your thread is currently locked due to being on page 11.
Day 6 - Yesterday was anger. Then I told someone about the breakup and I felt--guilt?! Three realizations--
1) My therapy session won't be focused on my ex because we are never getting back together. I will use that time to focus on childhood abuse and abandonment, which are never too far from my mind.
2) The security guard who's been chatty towards me since she saw me do an act of kindness--I found myself engaging with her today and suddenly thought, "She cute." Ick! I ended the conversation. Not going there.
3) I feel guilty. I had already been talking to our therapist about whether I should stay. I was NOT compassionate the night we broke-up, and maybe used her behavior as an excuse to leave. I'll own that.
*** (Start Long Journal) ***
Originally Posted by "Our Breakup"
((Context--Leading up to an important trip, she'd blown up at me unfairly, and we'd had two conversations about what upset her but none about what upset me. I let it slide and helped her prepare for her trip. When she got back, she thanked me for being so understanding. This was our first overnight since her return. It was 7:30pm. She'd cooked a quick dinner and I thanked her. She'd also decided we'd watch news for 30 minutes, then spend a couple of hours doing bedroom things, then go to sleep. She'd ignored my suggestions for the night and wasn't talkative.))
Me (snugging against her after 15min of TV with limited chat): "Tell me what you're thinking, what you're dreaming. I just want to hear the sound of your voice." Her: (Upset) "I'm overwhelmed! Why couldn't you have just continued the conversation?! Why couldn't you just have asked a question?! Everything was going well." (She restarts the TV) Me: (2 min later I shift to the other side of the couch. 3 min. later) "I feel like you want me to behave a certain way or you shutdown." Her: (leaves the room for 3 minutes, then returns) Me: "When you walk away after I speak I don't feel listened to, acknowledged, and understood." Her: "(Angry) I heard you." Me: "I don't feel acknowledged and understood." Her: "I get it. I suck" (1 quiet min later) "Tell me what you wanted to say." Me: "If you interpreted that as I suck, I don't feel safe to right now." Her: (Angry) "Then go." Me: (Start to leave) Her: (Angry) "Tell me or go." (Pleading) "Tell me--"
She texted I abandoned her, then the relationship was toxic, then she felt unsafe, then she was done.
A more compassionate person might have waited until she was not exhausted to bring up their concerns. A more compassionate person might have given her a few minutes, then checked in before driving home. A more compassionate person might have responded to her breakup text in which she expressed feeling very scared and that she would never be abandoned again that I had gone home, not checked out. I wasn't compassionate. I was selfish. Am I worthy of a good, lifelong partner?
Don't get me wrong. I've given this relationship 20 months to stabilize, and three serious tries: 1 without therapy, 1 with promises of therapy, and 1 with therapy. I get she and I are not cut-out to be a stable couple.
Of course, she did wrong, too. She broke her pledge to the therapist which was not to break-up or threaten to breakup without talking to the therapist first. I kept my pledge was not to go 12hrs without responding.
A key issue is that we discussed when I upset her, but not when she upset me, especially if she were in the wrong. She'd say that she had a disease and the person who did wrong wasn't the real her, and it hurt her to hear about what she did when she was out-of-control. The therapist would tell me that deep down she loved me and it wasn't the real her who was harsh and impulsive. It's easy to cheer-lead and say I'm a good person, but I don't honestly know. I'll strive to become a better person.
I'll admit, I have avoided your thread CW. I think one of the thing that stands out at me is that you continued to justify this relationship, despite no end goal for it, because you liked her as a hiking buddy, and because of the sex. That frustrated me because sex is a by-product of a healthy, happy R, not the basis for it. And every relationship I've witnessed where sex was the basis of it had an impending doom point at some point in the future that it finally hit. Sex is just not the reason a relationship works or it doesn't. Mutual love, care and respect are reasons that relationships work.
So yes, I was one of the ones that predicted that this would again cycle to where you are now. It was only a matter of time. I know you are saying you don't think you are compatible now, but as Ginger predicts, she will eventually come back, make more empty promises, throw her body at you, and you will not have the self-respect to say "Nope, not this time." It is sad because your advice to others is usually pretty solid, but you can't seem to apply it in your own life.
Anyway, you can skip those two paragraph and just read that I hope you move forward healthy and happy from this point.
M(51), W(52),D(17) M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I know this isn't fun and I'm sorry you're going through this. (((CW))) You have such a big heart, I know it feels awful even if intellectually you know this is the right path for you.
I'm not one that predicted BD3 and I was hopeful for you, but I do admit that I wasn't a big fan of her generally.
I do think that this time around you were more clear-eyed about her issues and didn't let them affect you emotionally-- you just put yourself and your kids first and went on with your life, which was great. You were much more consistent on delineating and enforcing your boundaries, which was also awesome to see. I think you've absolutely given this relationship its best chance at succeeding and I agree with you that you two are simply not cut out to be a stable couple.
Please don't feel that you fell down on compassion because you couldn't just take in all her crazy and turn it into love inside of you. That will wear you down and use you up. You are worthy of a good, lifelong partner. She was not it.
This might be inappropriate, but I wonder if there is a part of you that is attracted to her neediness and damage? A bit of the rescuer in you? Forgive me if not okay for me to go there. But if that resonates at all, maybe something to dig into with your IC.
I remember last time you had a lot of difficulty being alone. It seems to me like you've actually been able to exercise that ability even in the context of this relationship, as you spent more evenings home focusing on your kids and less forced family time all together, when you felt it wasn't best for your kids to be with hers. Is this something you're thinking of doing? Beyond just staying strong when she comes back around, knowing that isn't best for you-- really taking some time to be on your own without a partner?
Me (45) H (41) M:13 T:17, D8 & D11 4/19 BD #1 ILYB 8/19 BD #2 Long-distance EA 12/19 BD #3 Actually 2 year PA 2-5/20 R attempt #1 6/20 limbo again, back in contact with AP 9/20-present R attempt #2