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A Message from Michele
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Re: Steve_'s LRT phase 2 [Re: Steve_] #2909253
11/24/20 05:52 PM
11/24/20 05:52 PM
Joined: Feb 2017
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LH19 Offline
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Steve,

Iím not going to comment on your DBing because we all know this problem you have stems way beyond DBing. I canít give you advice to try to save your marriage because it is so broken it shouldnít be saved. You need help from a professional not some random strangers on website. Your W is like heroin to you and you are majorly hook on it and need assistance in getting unhooked for it. You are mistaking love for your unhealthy attachment. Please follow through on getting help from the VA. Please if not for you then your children.


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

ďDon't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.Ē- Will Smith
Re: Steve_'s LRT phase 2 [Re: Steve_] #2909254
11/24/20 06:30 PM
11/24/20 06:30 PM
Joined: Jun 2013
Posts: 607
Illinois
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mtb1981 Offline
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mtb1981  Offline
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You have got to stop talking, pal. It's like picking a scab. It's never gonna heal if you keep picking at it. Stop talking. Let her go. Focus on you. You're broken, dude. The only way this whole situation has a happy ending is if you heal yourself first. It has to start there. Once you work through this and get your head right, everything will make sense. Happiness is closer than you think...


Me: 38
W:31
Kids: S16(mine from previous R), D10, S9, S4
M: 10 years
T:12 years
BD:Jan 3, 2018
W moved out: Apr 13,2018
Filed for D: Jun 2018
D final: Sep 2019

"Surrender to the Flow"...
Re: Steve_'s LRT phase 2 [Re: Steve_] #2909256
11/24/20 06:51 PM
11/24/20 06:51 PM
Joined: Mar 2019
Posts: 340
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Steve_ Offline OP
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Steve_  Offline OP
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Yeah I know I canít talk to her anymore. Itís hurting both of us actually, more so me. Each time I distance myself, find something else to think about she pops in and I meltdown all over again. Worse and worse.

I think about her constantly, im scared to death to see her, I havenít in a couple weeks now and Iím avoiding it. I constantly have thoughts of her with him. How horrible it is that he took my beautiful wife and how my entire life, home and relationship with my children got destroyed. I feel like the pain will never end and the more she moves on and gets happier the more it hurts me. It makes me feel as if I meant nothing, and honestly I probably didnít since she left me for a person I thought was my friend, she already is being mom to his kids when she hated doing it for ours. And she says how he is so good to her, hasnít hurt her and how he takes care of everything she wants. It all sounds like her life is so perfect and mine is destroyed. I know it wonít be this way forever but right now it seems that way. I feel hopeless and depressed. Everything in life is pointless and meaningless now. To be totally honest I still hope she will see something and come back, that he will mess up somehow or she will. But that isnít going to happen anytime soon. And even if it does the more I stay available the higher chance she leaves him for someone else too. Iím scared my wife will marry him and live happily ever after with him. Everything I do comes from fear, loss, pain. The divorce papers just got sent into the court a few weeks ago and sheís already got a whole new life it feels like a cut that just keeps bleeding. That is where I am out right now. And that is why I know and I really do know I cannot talk to her more that is absolutely necessary for the kids. Because I will never ever feel better if I donít.

Last edited by Steve_; 11/24/20 06:53 PM.

T:11
M:10
K: D5, S7
BD: 9/1
She moved out 10/15/20 (sort of)
OM "a friend" confirmed 10/27/20
OM gone 01/20/2021.
She doesnt want to Recon "yet"
Re: Steve_'s LRT phase 2 [Re: Steve_] #2909257
11/24/20 07:09 PM
11/24/20 07:09 PM
Joined: Jun 2013
Posts: 607
Illinois
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mtb1981 Offline
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Originally Posted by Steve_
To be totally honest I still hope she will see something and come back

After all of this? After everything you've been through? Just to do it all over again? I mean this in the nicest way possible, but you're a godd@mn fool, Steve. You are addicted to her and she is TOXIC. What advice would you give your son in the future when his wife cheats on him 6 times? When she constantly disrespects him? Starts taking care of someone else's kids instead of your grandkids? Are you gonna tell him to just keep taking her back? Or are you gonna tell him to have some self respect and cut his losses? Your kids are watching, Steve. Do you want your D to think its normal to treat her spouse the way your W treats you? Do you want your S to think its normal to be treated the way your W treats you?

Your ultimatum had nothing to do with closure. You were just hoping it would scare her back...

Last edited by job; 11/24/20 08:53 PM. Reason: edited language

Me: 38
W:31
Kids: S16(mine from previous R), D10, S9, S4
M: 10 years
T:12 years
BD:Jan 3, 2018
W moved out: Apr 13,2018
Filed for D: Jun 2018
D final: Sep 2019

"Surrender to the Flow"...
Re: Steve_'s LRT phase 2 [Re: Steve_] #2909259
11/24/20 07:17 PM
11/24/20 07:17 PM
Joined: Mar 2019
Posts: 340
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Steve_ Offline OP
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Steve_  Offline OP
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That is true I admit it. I lied to myself saying Iím ready to let go. Iím not even close. Today is the first day I have actually stuck to not communicating with her in any way shape or form for weeks. It will take me a very long time to detach. But I have to begin right now if I ever want to feel better. I just watched a video about letting go and it said something really nice. ďSometimes people are in our lives for less time than we wanted, but the lessons they taught us stay foreverĒ

I know Iíll get there. It will just be a long road because of how I am and how attached I am to her and my delusional vision of what she could be. But I am going to move forward the correct way because I need to stop hurting myself I donít want to feel this way anymore I have to let go. It isnít a choice anymore. I canít let my kids see me this way.

Last edited by Steve_; 11/24/20 07:19 PM.

T:11
M:10
K: D5, S7
BD: 9/1
She moved out 10/15/20 (sort of)
OM "a friend" confirmed 10/27/20
OM gone 01/20/2021.
She doesnt want to Recon "yet"
Re: Steve_'s LRT phase 2 [Re: Steve_] #2909261
11/24/20 07:30 PM
11/24/20 07:30 PM
Joined: Nov 2013
Posts: 2,658
Colorado
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Thornton Offline
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Thornton  Offline
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Originally Posted by Steve_
How horrible it is that he took my beautiful wife


I'm sorry, Steve. She was never yours.

Originally Posted by Steve_
And she says how he is so good to her, hasnít hurt her and how he takes care of everything she wants.


She doesn't sounds selfish at all... what a great gal!

Dude, you are being given a gift right now. The gift of not being cheated on for the 6thand 7th time! Get into therapy and cut your losses! You have a great life ahead of you if you work on yourself.

Re: Steve_'s LRT phase 2 [Re: Steve_] #2909262
11/24/20 07:35 PM
11/24/20 07:35 PM
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 5,487
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Ginger1 Offline
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Your ďbeautifulĒwife is actually very very ugly inside

Re: Steve_'s LRT phase 2 [Re: Steve_] #2909263
11/24/20 07:36 PM
11/24/20 07:36 PM
Joined: Sep 2019
Posts: 1,223
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may22 Offline
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Originally Posted by Steve
Today is the first day I have actually stuck to not communicating with her in any way shape or form for weeks.

That is great, Steve! Baby steps... you did it. Now how can you stick with it?

You're in the hardest place right now. It svcks. But every day you stay NC is a day you are a little healthier, a step closer towards being free from her dysfunctional web.

Can you make a list of ten things you'll do if you get a text or call from her to prevent yourself from responding? Call a friend, watch a show, play the crossword, snuggle your kids if you have them? Can you mute her texts and calls when she doesn't have the children, so she doesn't knock you off balance by texting when you're doing OK?

She'll keep texting you, you know. It will escalate as soon as you stop responding. You'll get more heart emojis and "I'm not sures" and all the rest. You have to figure out how you can stay strong in the face of this. Are there friends IRL that can help you right now? Can you get an appointment with an IC?

You can do this. You're right, you don't want your children to see you like this. Be strong for them if you can't do it for yourself alone. One day at a time.


Me (45) H (41)
M:13 T:17, D8 & D10
4/19 BD #1 ILYB
8/19 BD #2 Long-distance EA
12/19 BD #3 Actually 2 year PA
2-5/20 R attempt #1
6-7/20 limbo again, back in contact with AP
8/20-present R attempt #2
Re: Steve_'s LRT phase 2 [Re: Steve_] #2909264
11/24/20 07:48 PM
11/24/20 07:48 PM
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,543
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sandi2 Offline
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Quote
A shouldnít have but a conversation fired up. At some point I asked her ďwhy did you tell me all that stuff?Ē


Fired up? You mean when you practically begged for a R talk? You made yourself look pitiful, which is not an attractive quality to your WW. Stop chasing a woman who cheats, betrays and disrespects you.

Please listen to me. Relationship talks do not work with WW's who are having an affair with another man. Apparently, you still think of her being the wife you use to know. This is not the girl you married, Steve. This did nothing but enable more disrespect from her. The stuff she says to you....... I've read hundreds of times, from other WW's! It's as if they all read from the same play book. And, trust me, she's much better at manipulating you, than you are her. The more you try to have a heart to heart with her ......the more fire power you are giving her, and she will definitely use it. You can't change how she thinks, but you can certainly change how YOU think. That's where it has to start........with a different mental attitude. Don't confuse it with emotions/feelings. Currently, your emotions are in control of a lot of your decisions, so that's what needs to change.

Quote
She then said ďwhy canít you just say F you and hate me? I betrayed you and you still want me dude? Wtf, just hate me!Ē


Yep! I have read that one, too! Probably sounds rather hopeful to a leg-clinger, but it's only dramatics....that's all.

Quote
The only thing I can do is give her space, let her have the divorce she wanted and just keep my mouth shut.


Really? Do you really believe this, or just repeating what you've heard others say?

Most of the stories I've read about WW's, and in my own personal sitch.......want to be friends with the LBH. However, the LBH cannot be friends with her b/c his definition of friendship is not the same as her definition. The WW will use and abuse you every chance she has. You don't even realize what she's doing. Her mission is to keep you emotionally attached. Now, don't get confused about what that means. It doesn't mean she is having second thoughts about going back to you. It doesn't mean any of the things you wish it would mean. There's a lot of very unattractive attributes in a WW, and this is only one example. Her cheerfulness, chattiness, friendliness, joking around..........mean nothing!!!! She baits you all the time, and you are either too blind to see it for what it is........or just plain too weak to resist the pull. If it's the latter, then you will have no peace in your life until you make up your mind to cut the emotional rope you are clinging to for dear life!

Quote
She put up a boundary because I wouldnít.


Don't worry, she didn't mean it.

Do you even know what we mean by boundaries? What do you plan to do the next time she contacts you by sending you a meme, a photo of the kids, or is just in a chatty mood? Don't think for a second there won't be a next time. She's going to continue playing this game until she learns she can't play with your head and keep you emotionally attached.

You know all that cr@p she was saying about the OM and his kids.......(apparently forgetting what she'd done to her H and kids)? I knew immediately what was happening with her, b/c I had the same crazy mindset. She will think of what's best for OM and his kids before she begins to feel concern for you and her own children. For a while, she may even be a better mom to his kids, b/c she trying to "win" them. Her emotional focus is on OM, and you won't change it by anything you say.

Steve, you need a plan to help you get through this period in your life. I don't think you've dropped the rope enough to put a plan together, b/c you're too focused on WW. When you can get to the place where you don't link every word, thought, and action with her, it will be progress in moving forward with living. Until then, how will you fill the days and nights to come? How will you effectively handle the surprises she has up her sleeve? I say surprises, b/c I'm always reading posts from LBH's who say their WW caught them off guard. smirk


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Re: Steve_'s LRT phase 2 [Re: Steve_] #2909268
11/24/20 08:33 PM
11/24/20 08:33 PM
Joined: Dec 2019
Posts: 78
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Kind18 Offline
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Steve, IMHO you immediately need to go and see a counsellor - for you.

There are lots of red flags here, including that you are unhealthily attached to someone who is blatantly toxic and manipulative.

Every day you try and manage this yourself is a waste of time.

The only way for you to move forward is with professional help.

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Moderated by  Cadet, job, Virginia 

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